Hi Rowena,
FINAL (CHECKING-OUT) QUESTIONS
Here are the questions. Your answers will be shared with other guides who may have questions.
Please relate your answers as much as possible to your direct experience.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It starts as young children and realising we are separate from our mothers as we explore the world. We begin being taught labels and how to ask for things. We are taught what is mine and what is yours. The separate self is a biological phenomena intended to keep the body safe from harm and so we can navigate the world. It can feel like it is behind the eyes or in the head as this is where the main senses enter the body - seeing, hearing, tasting and smelling. I now see it as an illusion. The mind adds more and more labels onto objects & emotions to protect us, but this can make us become prisoners of our own minds, not able to truly see life as it really is, one continuous movement.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels freeing, there is a feeling of openness and expansion. At the beginning I had an idea of what no separate self was, but through direct looking I was able to see that the self is an illusion. There is no little me inside my head pulling the strings. Everything is just happening - thoughts, feelings and emotions come and go, over which there is no control. Reactions still occur but this is part of life. There is more empathy towards others as they also have no control.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
Looking directly at thoughts and seeing they had no substance, when I looked at what thoughts were there was no-thing there, just space, a beingness, the vibration of life.
Also when looking at my core beliefs and seeing how they just run automatically and that there was no control over emotions and reactions.
5) Describe decision and give examples from experience.
Decisions are made automatically by the bodymind. After a decision is made a thought may occur that “I” made that decision but this happens after it has been made so there may be an illusion of decision. For example, “I” decided to give up my career and start my own business. It may seem that was a decision made but it was the result of so many things some of which there may have been awareness of and some of which there wasn't.
Describe intention and give examples from experience.
Again an intention to do something occurs in the bodymind and a thought may occur after that “I” intended to do that. For example, “I” intended to go shopping yesterday but then I didn't go. I don't know why I didn't go, there were just lots of things that occurred that meant it didn't happen in the end.
Describe free will and give examples from experience.
There is no free will. Decisions, intentions, choices and reactions occur automatically in response to a million things that came before and over which there is no control. There may be a feeling of free will but when looked at closely it can be seen that it doesn't exist. The brain just labels it is such. For example, I am free to work or not work, I am free to have children or not. I “choose” to work and have children but I have no control over the circumstances which lead to those things happening.
Describe choice and give examples from experience.
As with the previous answers there is no choice by a self, by a me. When doing the drinks investigation it was clearly seen that although “I” thought there was choice there was in fact none.
Describe control and give examples from experience.
There is no control, just like the weather can't be controlled, there can be no control over what is going to happen next. For example, thoughts pop up, sometimes they are “nice” and sometimes they aren't but I don't have any control over which ones come up.
6) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your experience.
As there is no free will, choice or control there can't be any responsibility for anything. Thoughts pop up, emotions play out and reactions occur but as there is no control over them, there can't be any responsibility either. This has been seen time and time again. For example, I'm not responsible for the mood I wake up in in the morning. The mood I'm in can then affect the rest of the “choices” that are made that day but there is no responsibility there. And in the same way, there is no control over other people and how their reactions may map out how the day goes. There is just no way of knowing what is going to happen.
7) What makes things happen? How does it work?
Nothing and everything makes things happen, life is a mystery. There is no understanding it or how it works. Life just flows as one continuous movement.
8) Anything to add?
Thank you to Rowena for being a wonderful, patient guide, directing me to look and staying with me to look deeper when it was needed. There has been fear, there has been tears, there has been joy, thank you so much for going on this rollercoaster of a journey with me!
Warm wishes,
Ellie