Overcoming Doubt

[oconnordon]

Would it be possible if you can't find I, because it simply is not there?

I would say that this morning, there is little sign of an I here. There is some clarity and there are some thoughts and feelings that remind me of the feeling of identification. There is some fear that these thoughts and feelings will become bigger and will take me over. But they haven’t done that so far today.

I am struck, however, by the fact that despite finding little sign of an I here, the majority of the experience is discomfort, anxiety and unhappiness. The presence doesn’t feel bad, but the content of thought and the feelings in the body are still mostly anxious and worried and depressed, and so on.

I keep finding myself short of breath. It is a strange thing that I’ve said before that I’ve noticed over the past year that when I try to stop thinking, my body interprets that as equivalent to stopping breathing. So an attempt to stop thinking results in my body stopping breathing. And I get short of breath and I have to think to breathe in.

It’s interesting, though, as it seems to be happening more automatically this morning - like the mind (or whoever) has decided to stop doing so much distracted thinking, and the body has responded by stopping breathing.

It results in feeling strong contractions in my torso; quite uncomfortable sensations in the body; like anxiety and sadness, and so on. But it feels like the right thing to notice these sensations and allow them - and when I do they get stronger and come to a peak before relaxing, usually with a deep breath or two. An interesting process. It feels more present than usual. But I don’t feel full of peace or bliss, or anything, quite yet!

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

lovely exploration!

What I need to do is surrender to whatever is happening and notice the peace that’s here alongside the thoughts and resistance that habitually try to think of alternatives to this reality and wish for them.

Right.
What's happening when you relax into whatever is happening?

Is there something APART from whatever is happening?


Sending love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Thursday 11th July 2024

On Angelo’s online retreat this week. Have been practicing most of the day since Saturday, apart from a few hours of work on Monday and Tuesday. As often happens, there is some presence here and there, like a recognition that past and future don’t exist, so all the people and activities, and so on, that I’m imagining in the past and future right now don’t exist; all that exists is this moment. And there is a real clarity to that as well as a really intense contraction in the body as if I can’t breathe. And, like I have said before, sometimes the contraction gets more and more intense and then sometimes releases with a few deep breaths. And then I feel more relaxed for a few moments. And then doubts and fears come.

The main doubt is something like: “You can’t stay here in presence; you’re going to get distracted any second; the thought process is more powerful than you; just watch: I bet you’re already identified with these thoughts! See, you already believe that you’re going to get distracted! See, you already believe that. So, clearly you think you’re a person. How else could you believe that thought? Clearly you’re screwed up. You will never be able to remain present for very long. This habitual system in the psyche is too strong.” Stuff like that.

And during the day, the more and more aware I am, moment by moment, the more and more I notice that I criticise myself at every moment. It is like a continuous hum - more like a continuous scream - of wrong, wrong, wrong. See, there is criticism here right now for this description, saying that it’s wrong. That I’m creating my own misery by talking about being wrong. That it’s all my fault. That I’m believing these thoughts, that I’m creating this story, and so on, and so on. Also the thoughts are saying that I can’t even see most of the thoughts: that there is a continuous feeling of wrongness here which must be made of thoughts, but I can’t see them. So I must work harder to see them. Because if I feel bad then it’s because I am believing negative thoughts and I need to work harder to see them and not believe them.

So, I ask: who is believing these negative thoughts. And that helps for a while, sort of creates a space around the thoughts and the feeling that they’re true. But it takes a lot of effort to keep that space open. Because the criticism wants to criticise everything, including my efforts not to believe thoughts, including my efforts to ask who is believing the thoughts. So, I create a space bigger than the thoughts and ask who is believing them. And it is like Kundalini, or something: the amount of energy involved in noticing all of these critical and identifying thoughts. It goes on and on. It takes a lot of energy to stay with it.

And eventually I get distracted from it. And then I notice that I’m criticising myself for getting distracted and identified again. So, it starts again. Even now, looking to go back to it, I feel a strong tug away from it in my head, like you would jerk a dog’s head to one side to stop him going in a certain direction and distract him. And I feel disheartened by the strength of that tug to the side. And there is a feeling of defeat. And I try to allow the feeling of defeat. But it does feel like I’m identified with that. So I try to step back. But often it is hard to find space at this stage.

And I think: oh, my gosh, this is going to go on forever and ever. And that seems possible. So, I try to step back and ask: who is believing that? And so on.

Sometimes there is a little clarity for a while. Usually when I watch a certain teaching it becomes clear for a while. And then the confusion comes in again.

When Angelo says something like: you can only bring yourself to unbound consciousness and keep noticing the thoughts until they slow down and then there is nothing more you can do - that makes sense to me now: the one who would do, the one who would understand or control or plan, or whatever - that is all mind. The point is to stop.

As soon as I say this, I find that I stop and the body feels like it will suffocate and my breath becomes laboured. So I stay with that for a while.

And the doubt that I’m doing everything wrong is there all the time.

And there’s a sense of presence.

And there’s a doubt that I’m doing everything wrong all the time, and it will never end.

And there’s a sense of presence that contains all this doubt.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

Let's start from the end:

And the doubt that I’m doing everything wrong is there all the time.

And there’s a sense of presence.

And there’s a doubt that I’m doing everything wrong all the time, and it will never end.

And there’s a sense of presence that contains all this doubt.

is there something which can flip flop from the doubt to presence?
Be very vigilant and look closely.

What is this which is seemingly in doubt and than in presence?

Sending love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Is there something which can flip flop from the doubt to presence?
Be very vigilant and look closely.

What is this which is seemingly in doubt and then in presence?

No.

There is presence. But there is distraction from it. It is difficult to describe.

It is probably not appropriate to post now that I’m under the influence of alcohol, but one interesting thought occurred to me.

I was remembering that while we are preparing for our parents’ house to be sold, and were doing all the work the clear it out, bit by bit, sometimes it still surprises me that it’s THIS house that we’re selling - like, such that we won’t be able to come and visit it again, like I won’t be able to see if the grass is cut in the back garden or the hedge is trimmed, and so on. It’s strange. I’ve frequently noticed it over the past few months: we’re doing all of this clearing out work and we’re processing the death of our parents, but we’re still in the house all the time we’re doing it. What strikes me every now and then is that we’re doing all this difficult work together - me and my sister - who comes home from the US for the purpose - but in the end it will be the actual family house in which we’re doing all of this organising that we’ll be selling - and which we’ll never be able to come back to after that.

Somehow feels a bit like my self-inquiry. The last bit of identity - the one who is doing the self-inquiry - has to go. There’s quite a bit of fear and constriction and feeling of suffocation around that at the moment.

I just thought it was an interesting parallel.

I’ll get back to this again tomorrow, asap!

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

Somehow feels a bit like my self-inquiry. The last bit of identity - the one who is doing the self-inquiry - has to go. There’s quite a bit of fear and constriction and feeling of suffocation around that at the moment.

Exactly! The one who is doing all that has to go = has to be seen as what it is - nothing more than a thought, empty of substance.

And showing up the fear is a very good sign
.
Let's look - what is the fear protecting?
Bring the sensation very close and look

What is BEHIND the fear?

Sending love and seeing you later.

Luchana

[oconnordon]

“Exactly! The one who is doing all that has to go = has to be seen as what it is - nothing more than a thought, empty of substance.

And showing up the fear is a very good sign.
Let's look - what is the fear protecting?
Bring the sensation very close and look

What is BEHIND the fear?”

There’s a “small” fear here too. Like a kind of loneliness or sadness, like a child who is afraid on his own on Sunday night before the week of school ahead. Like one who is on their own. Like this process is about letting go of everyone who could help and support or provide love and safety. And it kind of is. And there has never really been anyone who could provide that, anyway. But there is a fear now that the thing that was longed for throughout life - a loving, caring connection with safety and ease - that that has now been recognised as fundamentally unavailable. And there is a feeling that awakening means to throw away all hope of finding safety with others or in the world while already feeling unsafe. There is a feeling of letting go into nothingness from a place with little safety or trust. Like, there is intellectual safety and trust - I can see that things are safe but I don’t feel it - I know that this is the only thing to trust but I don’t feel it. So, it’s a weird feeling of surrendering into the unknown without trust or safety. Which really means it is not “unknown”, as there are assumptions made by thought that it will not be good, whatever it is.

There is nothing to be afraid of in non knowing, is there? It is in assuming that something bad will happen that fear arises. That is a kind of knowing, even thought it is not based on any evidence, just on assumptions from the past.

There’s a fear of letting go of this seeming thought-based hiding place. The thought-based “person” is afraid to die. Or else the thought is that there will be no control, no ability to plan, to predict, to protect against possible threats. It feels like letting go of that is like falling into an abyss, a vacuum, like dissolving into nothingness and yet being aware: having no control over whatsoever: falling. Those are thoughts, I suppose. How can “I” know what it is like? Well, I guess there are times when I’m not so identified, or I am identified with a different part. So, what do I know, really?

[oconnordon]

Yesterday I felt even more fear. I asked Lisa Cairns a question yesterday about how I know I’m not just responding to thought-created fears instead of “real” fears in my system. She asked me where I felt the fear. I said in the head and also in the chest. She suggested that if it was existential fear it would be in the gut, but due to the pull up to thought, it can seem like it’s in the heart. Also, if it’s about abandonment or loneliness, it can also feel like it’s in the heart. That kind of makes sense to me. Later, when I did more inquiry and when I used the EMDR sound therapy app a number of times, I was able to go into it for longer. But it really gets quite intense - like I would almost say terrifying and unbearable. And usually with the sound therapy app it resolves and eases out a lot by the end. But now there seems to be more and more of it. It would make sense that there’s a lot of fear in my system. It would make sense as a way of explaining my life. What “in my system” actually means, I don’t know. I think it’s good that I’m here. But it’s a heavy trip as well. I don’t know what’s behind the fear yet. I did try asking the “part” feeling the fear yesterday if it wanted to tell me anything, but nothing yet.

Back I go again now.

[oconnordon]

Tuesday 23rd July 2024

I woke up a bunch of times on Sunday night and all I noticed was my self-inquiry question going on and on in my head, all night long. No clarity. Just the question. I struggled through Monday, though. Couldn’t seem to gain any clarity. Just tired.

Woke up today, Tuesday, feeling generally hopeless - but that’s normal. Had a work meeting / event / presentation to go to. As often happens, it struck me that everyone is generally nice and I get on well with people and I do a good job; I am just very disappointed by my lacklustre career, where people with my ability level and hard work and ambition have two or more promotions more than I do and make twice as much as me. It affects me while I’m there. It’s hard for me to tell myself that it’s all just thoughts.

When I’m back at home again, I remember the amount of fear and anxiety and depression and worthlessness that I have dragged along with me throughout my life, and yet I have still managed to do a job and live a semi-normal life and remain somewhat cheerful. It’s hard to tell which is the reality.

I find myself watching Dark Night of the Soul videos. It seems to me I’ve been in one for thirty years. Like I keep surrendering and dropping all the positive beliefs about myself that made me feel better about myself, but the negative beliefs, feelings, fears, and so on, remain stubbornly behind.

A lot of fear on some days. But then a lot of confusion on other days. And in between I wonder whether it is real fear that I’m feeling or whether thoughts are producing fear for me to stop me going deeper? Whatever that means. Like, for a few days it felt like I had a routine going with self-inquiry and feeling the fear and coming back and back to the present moment and dropping thoughts and identification, etc. And then the fear sort of goes away as if it never existed. But then also the clarity goes away and I’m just confused and distracted the whole day, thinking about everything under the sun. But the fear hasn’t really gone away. It can be accessed if I look for the one who is doing the self-inquiry. But I think my system is just tired from keeping on touching into it. Because it’s kind of exhausting. And I haven’t really settled into it yet. It’s like extreme discomfort and suffocation and fear and it goes on and on, when it’s there. So, yeah, no wonder there’s some confusion and resistance the next day.

Then, of course, there’s the critical / commentary thoughts that kind of make sense, like: you should go for a run; you should do yoga; you shouldn’t sit there for so long in one go; you should focus on your job - meditation is just bypassing; and so on.

I’m very tired now. I want to take a holiday from all of this.

Sometimes there’s a flicker of clarity, but confusion or distraction come in very quickly. It’s very hard to persuade myself to stay undistracted by all kinds of thoughts. Funny because I did well at it on Thursday and Saturday and Sunday. But it did require hours and hours and hours of sitting here until something felt like it clicked for a few minutes, here and there.

It still feels like there is an immense resistance to being present.

I found a relaxing short meditation by Amoda Maa the other day and I sometimes listen to it to calm me down. I listened last evening and then I was so calm that I thought I would listen to Endless Access (the meditation of Angelo’s that I like). As soon as it started, the background music immediately reminded me and I was right there, almost with tears in my eyes from the start. I thought: after days and days of struggle with fear and distractions, can I just follow a pointing and rest in presence for half an hour? And it felt like I was really connecting with it. And Angelo mentioned some belief we have that we don’t have access all the time. And I looked for that belief very briefly. And then the whole thing shut down and I went blank and I was just listening to words and there was no connection with the pointing anymore. Something tiny and subtle cut off the seeing. So I had to stop that for the evening. I don’t even know what it was. I don’t even think there’s any point looking. It would just be me going further into the mind.

[oconnordon]

Tuesday 23rd July 2024 (2)

I had my session with Bettina and we went looking for fear in the body a little bit. And then we looked for safety for quite a while. And safety ended up represented by the fingers of the right hand, and it started to seem to represented right-brain activity, a right-brain space. But also a place where no-one can find me. Like I have to go somewhere almost completely at random so that no-one could ever find me. And then I’d be safe. I could not tell anyone where I’m going. In fact, better that I go at random and unexpectedly. Yeah, so finding safety is about getting away where no-one will find me.

And the left hand starts to represent the fearful, critical thoughts. The body is full of fear, like anxiety, like fright. It is almost like I can’t feel it at the start because this is how my body always feels. And then I realise that I always feel afraid. And we wondered how we could unravel the feeling of fear. And the thought that there is nowhere that’s safe just hangs here. And there appears to be no way to not believe that thought. And there is self-criticism for believing that. Like the meditator - the seeker - is annoyed with himself for believing these thoughts.

So, we ask the right hand. And it is clear from there that everything is made of emptiness: spontaneity and creativity; it can’t be described. From here, these thoughts of fear and self-criticism are also empty and have no substance. From here, everything is peaceful and dissolves into nothing.

But there is concern that the thoughts of fear and self-criticism will rise again and be believed again. I wonder what is the magical ingredient that will allow me not to believe these thoughts when they come up.

Bettina wonders if we can bring kindness to bear here. I find that I would be able to do that for someone else but not for me. She suggests that I just leave it as an open question. What is the magical ingredient that will allow me not to believe these thoughts of fear and criticism?

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

Such a deep exploration and sharing.. Thank you for being so honest, it is very touching to read you.

So, we ask the right hand. And it is clear from there that everything is made of emptiness: spontaneity and creativity; it can’t be described. From here, these thoughts of fear and self-criticism are also empty and have no substance. From here, everything is peaceful and dissolves into nothing.

Beautiful to see that.

But there is concern that the thoughts of fear and self-criticism will rise again and be believed again. I wonder what is the magical ingredient that will allow me not to believe these thoughts when they come up.

Look curiously:
What is the concern made off?
As WHAT it is experienced?

Bettina wonders if we can bring kindness to bear here. I find that I would be able to do that for someone else but not for me. She suggests that I just leave it as an open question. What is the magical ingredient that will allow me not to believe these thoughts of fear and criticism?

Yea..this is also very common - to feel kindness for someone else first...it is important to acknowledge the kindness in each form it is arising - for someone else, for a kitty, for a sunset ... just acknowledge that.

It will start flowing back to you, for it is not away - it is just not recognised yet.

Sending much love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Wednesday 24th July 2024

Each time I woke up during the night I was just chanting my self-inquiry question over and over. It hardly means anything to me, but I’m still asking it. I woke early with a lot of fear and sadness. (I didn’t take any tablet yesterday, so there is more fear and negativity and more broken sleep.)

After last evening’s session with Bettina, I really feel my attention drawn to the body and how there is a feeling of fear in it all the time. I think I remember feeling relatively calm after the session last evening - as if I was able to clear a lot of what seemed to be felt in the body just by noticing that there is a fear thought being believed. Though I don’t think completely so. I think one of the main discoveries from the session was that I didn’t notice any fear in my body because my body feels just the same as it always does - and then it occurred to me that I actually feel fear all the time, and that’s why I don’t notice it.

Now that I pay attention, I do notice it in the body. So I can keep relatively calm in the head - not so many thoughts - or at least I can prevent my thoughts from going off too far in the direction of stressful scenarios - but I notice that I am really afraid in my body. Maybe it’s more noticeable because I am more determined than usual not to distract from it and I am feeling the sensations in the body more directly without assuming they’re about one or other of the various potentially stressful things that are happening.

I wonder if I can treat how my body feels as just sensations, just with a label of fear? I’m not sure yet. Now that I pay attention to it, it feels quite intense. And quite familiar. But like I would have spent most of my life feeling this but not noticing and instead diverting into thought-based ways of solving it. Which, of course, don’t work, but at least they distract me.

Even with my TRE and my Primal Trust exercises and my breathwork, nothing really makes a dent in how I’m feeling right now. Module 5 of Primal Trust is about somatics. I just started listening to it this morning. It sounds like it could be more helpful than Module 4, which I had struggled to listen to.

A lot of exercise will be needed to deal with this, I guess. Not my favourite thing. But if it works, then why not?

I do wonder whether a lot of this is identity-related and not just “in the body”. I don’t know yet, though. But I do need to tackle it at a body level too. I know that.

[oconnordon]

“But there is concern that the thoughts of fear and self-criticism will rise again and be believed again. I wonder what is the magical ingredient that will allow me not to believe these thoughts when they come up.
“Look curiously:
What is the concern made of?
As WHAT it is experienced?”

It’s hard to see exactly what it’s made of because there’s a lot of what I’ll call fear in the body. And that seems to trigger or fuel fearful thoughts. Or it makes every little small thing that happens seem potentially overwhelming.

But, once again, I can have a look and see if the sensations in the body really are fear. And I can have a look and see what the thoughts seem to be doing.

Observing the sensations in the body, it’s possible to say that the body contains a bunch of uncomfortable sensations that I’m used to associating with fear or anxiety. I don’t know if that is bypassing or not. Well, I can’t see the labels clearly yet. It still feels like fear and anxiety. Even thought there’s nothing going on right now to justify it.

Sitting with it like this is a bit like what I’ve always done - apart from all the distracting thinking, that is - because I’ve largely controlled my behaviour with the ego / thought, and so not responded or reacted naturally or spontaneously to life. Sitting here quietly observing my sensations is a bit like a freeze response. I am intentionally holding my body still and keeping my face and voice and responses calm, even though I want to run away from here and not have to deal with people or stressful situations anymore.

I don’t have much time for a run today, but I’ll aim to fit one in tomorrow and see what that does.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

Now that I pay attention, I do notice it in the body. So I can keep relatively calm in the head - not so many thoughts - or at least I can prevent my thoughts from going off too far in the direction of stressful scenarios - but I notice that I am really afraid in my body. Maybe it’s more noticeable because I am more determined than usual not to distract from it and I am feeling the sensations in the body more directly without assuming they’re about one or other of the various potentially stressful things that are happening.

Yes, like we touch on that yesterday on our meeting - there are different sensations including fear within the system and it takes time to release them ... but this is the way - more and more attention into the sensations/body - without paying to any story why they are there.

Observing the sensations in the body, it’s possible to say that the body contains a bunch of uncomfortable sensations that I’m used to associating with fear or anxiety. I don’t know if that is bypassing or not. Well, I can’t see the labels clearly yet. It still feels like fear and anxiety. Even thought there’s nothing going on right now to justify it.

It is so good to see that. And yes - we tend to go into story/thoughts or to distract ourselves with anything but to look at the uncomfortable sensations.

And you are doing really great, no bypassing here at all.


When you notice some sensation arising (fear let's say) watch like a hawk the raw sensation, only that, Try to localize it, to feel it closer, to sink in it.. This may happen for few seconds only, before thoughts to come and start explaining why this is here and so on...

But it doesn't matter, gently bring back the attention into sensation.

Sending much love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Friday 26th July 2024

I’m trying to use the question “What am I that is not a thought?” I have been trying for the past hour, or more. It’s as if I spent ten seconds doing it for all the clarity I’ve achieved. There is so much distraction that I can’t keep my attention on it; I keep forgetting that I’m doing it at all; I keep getting persuaded by most of the thoughts; I can’t tell what is a thought and what isn’t; sometimes I see what seems like a real “identity” thought and then I get intense fear / discomfort in the chest; but the fear is too intense to stay with; or, at least, I intend to stay with it but find myself knocked back and dazed and then I’m thinking: I think I got distracted by that, I’m not even sure. And then I’m distracted again and I forget what I’m doing. And then I go back to it. And then every kind enticing distraction: why don’t you watch that video; why don’t you go for a run; you should check your work emails; you should do some TRE; how about getting distracted by this memory, that memory; why not think about this person that you like. And then I come back. And then it’s self-recrimination that I got distracted. And then it’s like: who got distracted? And then I look quite hard for that and some intense fear comes up and knocks me back. And then I ask: is that real fear or just a thought of fear? Why does presence sometimes feel peaceful but when I intentionally search for the last shreds of identity, I get terrified? What is it that is going to die, anyway? It’s just a thought, right? Am I just making up all of this drama?

It’s like I keep seeing that I who am doing the self-inquiry is just a thought and I don’t want that to be the answer. I don’t know how to go on if that’s the answer. It feels like I will have to die in order to progress with the practice. But I don’t know how to make myself die. It’s just a bunch of thoughts, I guess. When I am able to relax back into presence, things seem to go okay - or they can go okay, anyway. When I try to focus on the thoughts, I get very distracted and then this heavy trip of fear happens and my chest tightens and I can’t breathe and I think I have to die to complete the inquiry and I start to think that I can’t do it and I will always fail at this, and so on. So, it all feels very complicated and confusing and I ask myself whether I’ve got caught up in the mind again. But when I relax back into presence - which, like I say, I can only do sometimes and for short periods - it feels okay, but I have this doubt that there must be something I’m missing, as otherwise I wouldn’t be believing these thoughts, would I? But when I look for that, it gets all confusing and scary again. I feel like I’m “doing it wrong”, in some sense. Like I haven’t found the right balance.