Clearing doubts and Resistance and directing seeing

[Villosa]

Hi Elad,

Thanks for checking in. I have been meaning to write for a while. I feel like the anxiety has subsided considerably and there is more stability. Recently I have been paying more consistent attention to the enquiry. i have been reluctant/ afraid to write as I feel I have nothing significant to report. A lot of bouncing off the question and mind wandering. Though this week I have noticed the mind going quiet in response to the question, momentarily. I find sensations in my head, a felt sense of location there. That sensation though nebulous has a kind of solidity and quietness to it. The secondary thought that can comment on and change the course of a line of thinking seems to have this sensation of locality as a convincing reference point. The attention moving towards this sense of self after a thought confirms a doer - originator of thought.

[Elad]

Great to hear from you Ben! Sounds like positive development! And it's okay to have repetitive or stuck qualities at this stage of the inquiry. It relates to what Kevin Schenilac calls "the holding pattern", the last stage of inquiry. Whatever feelings come up about that, including relational discomfort and shame and fear, point to a sense of me (successful me, failure me, celebrated me, seen in my failure me) are all good stuff for looking into the residual belief in self.

In your text there is a passage I dont understand: "The attention moving towards this sense of self after a thought confirms a doer - originator of thought." What confirms a doer? Can you write that as simple as possible.

I think this recent text from Christiane Michelberger might be helpful for you also:

Direct Experience is a Trap!

Are you trying to see through the self-illusion and search your sensory 😊 direct) experience for the self?

You are looking in the wrong place.

How is that?

Illusions have a very specific property: They don’t exist on the level of sensory experience. That’s why they are called illusions. Only facts can be found on the experiential level.

Searching your sensory (=direct experience) for the self-illusion will predictively lead to the result that you can’t find it. Though you and other people might think this means you have seen through the self-illusion, you simply haven’t found it because this is not where illusions live.
You can draw the intellectual conclusion that the self doesn’t exist and others might agree, but he self-illusion is usually still alive and kicking.

So how do you see through the self-illusion?

As in every step on the path to awakening, you explore the illusion itself. The self-illusion can be felt as the sense of self.
Whenever it feels like “I” am experiencing this, somebody does this to “me”, “I” am in control of my thoughts or emotions or myself, “I” am seeing the car, “I” am deciding…., explore the sense of self.

Does the sense of self indicate an “I” that can be sensorially experienced?
A flat surface with legs underneath is called “table”
Can you trace down anything tangible that you call “me”?
This is all you have to do.

When it becomes clear that the sense of self doesn’t represent a real self, the penny drops and you’ll experience a shift, in which it becomes positively clear that there is no self and never was. Keep looking until this shift happens.
Without a shift, you will not be able to proceed to the next fetters.

[Villosa]

Thanks very much for this. What you write makes sense and I now see that what Christiane writes also makes sense though I was confused the first time I read it. I have been sitting with this. The felt sense is not sensorially felt unless the mind i viewed as a sense. It is a diffused mental image formation behind the eyes. it is defined by its location its nebulous shape and a sense of solidity. That is a conception of solidity. This solidity has a sense of presence to it. It appears as presence with a solid though nebulous shape and location. If I send my attention to the extremities of my internal experience the presence feels expanded and spacious. A spaciousness that still has some emotional weight to it but less so. That is the sense of me has within it a subtle sense of anxiety and dread. When i meditate for longer periods on this often there is a sense of quieting and resting. There is relative quietness. Still there is a sense of Ownership and doership to the contents of the mind. Not always with a thought that gets thrown up but with the thought about the thought. It seems apparent that having had a thought i can choose to pursue the thought or not. The choosing is done and the claiming of choosing sits in the sense of self or is reflected in it.

[Elad]

Thank you Ben!

Is any of this the experiencer, rather than experiences?

Are you sure?

Try after "the first thought" to pay attention to what decides if to pursue it or not. See it happen several times and look if you can really find the me that makes the decision & if what you are taking to be me (what you described) can really directly be seen to decide to pursue or not?

[Elad]

Hi Ben, I feel like checking in, how is life and the process unfolding?

[Elad]

Dear guidees,

I will be taking a month of vacation, including from guiding, from May 26th to June 27th. You might want to use the time until May 26th to inquire with great wholeheartedness and beginners mind, maybe "the Gateless Gate will be passed". You might also want to update both of us on where you are in the process, and what is experienced as your wishes and needs now, if any - happy to hear from you before I leave. If during my vacation you feel a need to be supported by an LU guide, two of my trusted fellow guides will be available. During that period, contacting them might also be an opportunity to the get a different input - we never know what input, what energy, will suddenly make what is clear clear.

Fellow guides:

Alan: alan.home.mailbox@gmail.com
Becca: becca@supportedawakening.com

🙏