Stepping in

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince!
Yes, I really wanted to be there, and I dragged my hubby out of town for a break, and felt I needed to be there for him.

Being more relaxed, did you feel that it opened up more possibilities

I can't believe how nice everyone is being! It might have something to do with my email to my supervisor, and our talk. I have gotten excuses and no action for a long time, and was looking forward to this new supervisor. He seems to be doing a good job. And people seem open, relaxed, and nicer.

It seems so much easier to just be still, meditative, when not surrounded by the 1000 things to be done at home. This is a beautiful place with water to look at, and places to hike. (We have places to hike at home, we just get bogged down with all the unfinished things at home. So, enjoying the stillness here.
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

I really wanted to be there, and I dragged my hubby out of town for a break, and felt I needed to be there for him.

Of course that's fine.
I'll do another one for you guys this weekend. I'll pm you the details.

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Thank you, Vince!
I'm planning to be back on Saturday, later in the day, so Sunday works best for me.
love,
Leela

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince!
As a result of Sunday, I'm trying to get news out of my life. This is very challenging because my hubby has to have the news on VERY LOUD in the morning while he's fixing breakfast. He appears to be losing his hearing--it is that loud. I'm surprised the neighbors have not complained. I am afraid if he wears a headset he will damage his hearing further. (And, the volume in the kitchen might be doing it, as well.) I tried listening to a nice song on my headset while in the kitchen making breakfast. Could not block out the news, but there was a pleasantness in the background. Mind still drawn into some news stories. I will delete the news app on my computer.
I'll try once again to fix my noise-cancelling headphones (don't know why they quit working), or buy new ones.
I've been hearing for years about the benefit of dropping out of needing to hear/read news. The part of me that still has hope for a turn-around in the political situation and climate is clinging to news that things can change. There is also the part that engages with right/wrong stimulated by news. I'll hear stuff from hubby, anyway.
As of this morning, there is a story brewing for which Leela may be blamed. So there is fear and perseverating over it. Nothing I can do about it. So, I think the practice would be to keep stepping back from the stories I'm telling myself. Probably none of them are true. They are just stories. If it turns out that others blame me, then I will have to deal with my feelings about it. I have a class to teach this evening and I haven't seen the students in a week and a half -- so there is joy and fun and seeing them again. It was like that yesterday in classes. And the goal right now is to enjoy this moment, not think about future fear or future joy. It does help knowing that there may be joy to be had.
And then there is breathing right now. And rolling on the floor. And watering plants.
Love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Hi Leela,

I'm trying to get news out of my life.

Commendable, but really difficult.
It's like trying to stop thoughts. Probably better to simply be aware of the continual presence and not engage it. Let it flow through in the background.
It's helpful to recognize that whatever is being presented is scripted by somebody and with a flavor of the institution that they are working for. Nothing can be known, it's all beliefs and sometimes they are propagated with purpose. No news is benign.

the benefit of dropping out of needing to hear/read news.

Yes, it can be addictive and dropping it can bring on guilt. Interesting, but some say that it is being responsible to keep informed. Perverse really.

there is a story brewing for which Leela may be blamed. So there is fear and perseverating over it. Nothing I can do about it.

Absolutely. A great saying is "that somebodies opinion of me is none of my business."

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years.
One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"Maybe," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.
"Maybe," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
"Maybe," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
"Maybe," said the farmer.

We don't know the consequences of anything, so it is a waste of time and energy (and emotion) to construct a story about possibilities.
However, if it does happen and we recognize that it has... laugh.

And then there is breathing right now. And rolling on the floor. And watering plants.

Lovely. Wonder full...


with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
I had a talk with the guy involved with the situation, and we are good between us. That was calming (as well as teaching classes and doing what I do for self-care). There is a lot less concern about what others think (if any, maybe a tiny niggle?).

I had a couple of dreams this morning, involving a child born without a cerebellum (only a brain stem), that left me with the thought: the intelligence that determines which cells differentiate into brain cells, bones, peripheral muscles, heart muscle, or gut cells does not reside in the brain, the heart, or the gut because it creates them. It resides everywhere? Sitting with that thought.

Unable to shut out news with my flimsy earplugs this morning. Nothing I can do about El Salvador. However, I do have a student (who is not currently in my classes) from Ukraine. When I last emailed, she was very distressed about her parents and sister being unwilling to leave the country. There is a sense of helplessness and a desire to help. I have been pondering a fund-raiser dance to get them out, if they have changed their minds, or help them out if they are intent on staying. They had to leave their homes and travel to the western part of the country. There is also a sense of dread about trying to organize something. And, I have students who are good organizers. Perhaps they could help? I have not reached out to the Ukrainian student with this idea. It would be uncomfortable to try and do such a thing. And I have done lots of uncomfortable things and survived with the lessons. And this person is normally such a sprite, a happy-dancer. It has brought me so much joy to see her dancing. I would like her to feel supported and cared for. So, what would be the pit-falls of rallying folks to do a fundraiser for her family? How could this be done without making crazy for myself?

love,
Leela

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince.
Getting ready for class and pondering my question: If it feels like Leela is DOING something, then effort and ego are involved. If I ask a few people, and they are excited and willing to help put wheels in motion, and it doesn't feel like Leela is doing it and wanting attention or anything, then there will be less crazy. I suspect it could feel like not-doing. That would be the goal: helping, sharing the joy of dance (or any other way to raise funds), while not-doing.
Anything missed here?
love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

'evening Leela,

If it feels like Leela is DOING something, then effort and ego are involved

Ha, good thinking. This is the next level investigation/examination.
Of course you will FEEL like you are DOing things.
If you look at them, that is describe/explain them, then they are in the past.
Looking further, was the motivation to produce a certain result?
Was/is there the recognition that they actually just happened? ..which includes the arising of the intent that preceded the behavior that produced the feeling that Leela DID something?

So, I have no control over what happens. (even though I FEEL like it do - sometimes)
Choice seems to happen. (even though examination reveals that it had to happen the way it did)
Intent arises, along with stories of consequences that often change the original intent.
At any point when I examine what just happened, I clearly see that all of the conditions present mean that it had to transpire exactly as it did.
There appears to be an underlying impulse for the best to happen. (do no hurt) There is a recognition that this is contingent on good health and happiness. (anything is possible)

That would be the goal: helping, sharing the joy of dance (or any other way to raise funds), while not-doing.

Recognizing the intent. Action follows... (no doing involved)

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince!
Thank you for your feedback. My insidious ego will find a way to weasle in, and I can, hopefully notice it and let it go.

So, I sent Natalia an email to express my concern and desire to help, and it is in her court to decide if a fund raiser is something she would like. Asking her has been weighing on my mind for a while, so I feel lighter, now. I'm good with whatever she decides.

Other than that, watching stories, or being absorbed in them, then labeling what they're trying to do: wanting connection, amusement, wanting to be right, etc. Sometimes, I just get bored with it.

There has been more tiredness and fatigue after teaching 2 classes in a row. Needing a lot of sleep.

love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good evening Leela,

My insidious ego will find a way

Can you define/explain ego?

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Good morning, Vince.
I think it is the thought (which doesn't really exist) that insists there is a "me" here that must be defended at all costs. It must be more personal than the thought stream. It insists that separation is real. And it got inflamed yesterday in a meet-up when many people started talking about "my shift" or "my transition" -- otherwise, their moving through the gate. It is the thought that something is wrong because I have not had a "shift." I didn't say anything in that meet-up, as it was almost over, but when to another one and talked about feeling irritated by such talk. Hearing everyone talk about their 'shift' seemed to galvanize the "me" vs "not me" feelings/thoughts. And, one person in particular has been showing up at lots of meet-ups for the past year or so, and EVERY SINGLE TIME they show up has to say, "when I had my shift....blah, blah, blah." It just sounds like another story!

Still irritated this morning. But did not wake up irritated, the irritation started later, after those thoughts came. Actually woke up with a song someone turned me onto last week: I Am. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gUY9Qs ... rt_radio=1. Feeling peaceful.

So, yesterday I did not take the time to examine the thoughts. Before I went to that first meet-up, I had been listening to a short video of Angelo Dillilo (simply always awake), who will be speaking at the Sunday morning meet up this week, and he was saying, there is nothing to do. Yes, have heard this over and over, get it. Nothing to do. Was feeling pretty good. And then went to the meet-up and ....blah, blah.

In the midst of writing this, did a short meditation with this new character, Angelo. The style he uses is pretty much what I do: sensing the body, the space, the ambient sounds, not resisting thoughts or anything, nowhere to go, nothing to do. So feeling calm now after examining the thoughts and doing the meditation. When I think about it, I do feel resistance when I anticipate listening to "my shift" stories in the future. I can tell myself: no future, BUT I still believe in one and I've heard those words so many times, I think they will appear again. I will have whatever reaction I do. AND, those thoughts do not have to control how I feel right now. Which is good. OK. Peaceful.
With much love and gratitude,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

Good day Leela,

I think it is the thought (which doesn't really exist) that insists there is a "me" here that must be defended at all costs. It must be more personal than the thought stream. It insists that separation is real.

Oh wow, this really needs unpacking, but before we do can you say it again being more detailed. For example; the thought did happen, so it's real, but what it pointed to, wasn't.

one person in particular has been showing up at lots of meet-ups for the past year or so, and EVERY SINGLE TIME they show up has to say, "when I had my shift....blah, blah, blah." It just sounds like another story!

It is another story. Is it useful for you (or them)?
Do you think that it is spiritual bypassing. That is do you think that they are creating another self (an awakened one) with the motivation to feel superior?

And then went to the meet-up and ....blah, blah.

Do you see a group dynamic happening at these meetings?

I will have whatever reaction I do. AND, those thoughts do not have to control how I feel right now.

See. You are awake...

with much love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince.
I wrote a long email that disappeared. I don't want to do it again! ARGH!!!
Short version:
I think ego is a messy ball of sticky thoughts that maintain a sense of separation. It contains lots of unhelpful, repetitive thoughts. It is a thought-form. You say a thought is a thing that points to something that is not real. And, thoughts are ephemeral, constantly changing and coming and going.

It is another story. Is it useful for you (or them)?
Do you think that it is spiritual bypassing. That is do you think that they are creating another self (an awakened one) with the motivation to feel superior?

The person is sweet and probably needs attention. It does appear to be a story. I don't think the person is trying to be superior. I've been feeling peeved listening to it so much.

Group Dynamic:
There is a lot of silliness and comradery among a group of folks who have been meeting for much longer than I have been in the group, so I still feel new, even though I have been attending for several years. Also, they discuss their amazing "shifts" that I have not had, so I feel left out. They try to be supportive of folks on the "slow path." In this group, awakening is seen as being on a "continuum" and the first "location" on the continuum is that you are always OK, when you stop and look. I'm always OK when I stop and look (have been for years). The recent talk on Friday when folks were talking about their "awakening experiences" left me feeling a sense of lack, because I don't have those experiences. That is what drove me to LU. So, while writing the lost post, I looked at the feeling of lack. The guy who spoke this weekend made the point that uncomfortable or repressed feelings arise to be witnessed and held, and so I held my child who feels lacking, supported by the feeling of a universal mother.

I have heard that people with trauma have a difficult time awakening. I have done so much to heal my trauma. It seems like it should be done by now. When I was a child, I was beaten up and called names by bullies, and I never understood why. I suspect that the lurking sense of lack lies in that experience. I was a tall, skinny kid with glasses and more intelligent than the bullies, that is probably why they chose to make me their victim.

Anyway, after doing all of this, I no longer feel peeved. I feel OK.
much love,
Leela

[vinceschubert]

'evening Leela,

I wrote a long email that disappeared. I don't want to do it again! ARGH!!!

This is a perfect example of suffering. When you realized that it was gone, acceptance didn't arise. Instead the story of loss and effort created frustration. i know that you can see this, but I want to make sure that you don't get into other stories (suffering) by thinking that I am pointing to an inadequacy.
i am pointing to an opportunity that was missed. An opportunity that might present in future that you are more likely to see because of these words.
This is happened to me a few times. When it happens I have discovered that if i use the back button on the browser (on a PC or laptop) it can bring back what was lost.

I think ego is a messy ball of sticky thoughts

Yes. ..but more specifically, thoughts that are identifies with. Thoughts that define a self.

The person is sweet and probably needs attention. It does appear to be a story. I don't think the person is trying to be superior. I've been feeling peeved listening to it so much.

If you can imagine that their stories are motivated to help others (without implying superiority) then it's probably not ego or spiritual bypassing.

everal years. Also, they discuss their amazing "shifts" that I have not had, so I feel left out. They try to be supportive of folks on the "slow path." In this group, awakening is seen as being on a "continuum" and the first "location" on the continuum is that you are always OK, when you stop and look

This sound good to me. i would say that the "always ok" bit is more the second 'location'. The first being the ability to look, even if you're not seeing that you're ok. That will soon follow. (the seeing that you're ok) - anyway moot point as you do see that everything's fine when you look.

left me feeling a sense of lack, because I don't have those experiences.

Communication is a funny thing. When we describe something it is a narrow focus. We omit lots of stuff, so it seems to the listener that something pure and clear was happening when in fact it was way more complex.
My 'shift' isn't relevant to you. Yours will be unique. Nothing like anyone else's. The things that seem to be in common will definitely turn out to be unique when looked at closely.
You can't compare yourself to others.
Don't listen to their stories of their shift. Ask them to describe how things are now. How it is in their daily life. The things that remind them that they are awake and the things that show them that they are on a continuum

I have heard that people with trauma have a difficult time awakening.

Surviving past trauma is a gift. i too was bullied at school for using 'big' words and liking to read instead of playing football. Not so. Of the hundred or so people that I have travelled with through the gate, many of them, no most of them have past trauma. Possibly, people without trauma don't travel the spiritual path...

with love

vince

[Birdie]

Hi, Vince!

This is a perfect example of suffering. When you realized that it was gone, acceptance didn't arise. Instead the story of loss and effort created frustration.

Yes. Thank you for pointing it out.

Don't listen to their stories of their shift. Ask them to describe how things are now. How it is in their daily life. The things that remind them that they are awake and the things that show them that they are on a continuum

Yes! There is one individual who always communicates from where she is now and it is wonderful. Probably others, too. One person really stands out.

Surviving past trauma is a gift.

Yes! I would not have been seeking as a teenager without my trauma. I always thought it helped develop compassion. And I celebrate my friends and students for surviving cancer, or whatever we survive. Next time I hear this, I will challenge it. One therapist in the group tends to repeat this thought a lot.
love,
Leela