The Gate

At times I've been able to take a few breaths and tune in to direct experience and at others I've gone off on stories. Then it has taken me a bit of time to be aware of what's happening. There's a big one around my novio which I'm finding more difficult to work with but a good one as its so familiar and I know so well the hole I fall in to.

Great observation there.

Earlier on, I had been trying to avoid asking more about this but it is getting less easy for me to skirt around it when you say; "There's a big one around my novio which I am finding more difficult to work with...". So look, just tell me more about the boyfriend thing without going into any content as that is rarely necessary.
When you say "...a big one..." tell me about that, OK? A big what? (And if you have to go into details, well I can live with that too as it will just be the same old man/women stuff of old after all!). But I know you did not come here for Therapy as you will not get any (!) So just stay as much as you can within the spirit of our enquiry, speaking from your Direct Experience. So I am not actually asking you about your partner per se, I am instead just asking you what the above quote refers to ie spell out the hole you fall into.

OK the big one around the boyfriend is when my sense of self feels threatened, when the " I " is looming large. Certain situations trigger me, eg he is one of the main teachers here and everyone thinks he's fantastic, and he is a very good communicator of the Dharma. And I on the other hand can barely string a sentence together in Spanish and I feel dumb and inadequate. But I want to puff myself up and tell everyone what a great job I did running a vegetarian restaurant in London and that being able to sprout the Dharma with words isn't the only way to communicate it. I want to reinforce the " I" because I think that will make me feel ok and not left out or left behind.

I'm skirming saying this, it puts me in touch with how it feels when its happening which is really unpleasant. And I give myself a hard time for not being able to rejoice in the fact that he's doing a really good job here. So I want to puff myself up and then I beat myself up as well. MG

Heavens is that all it is?!
That stuff is just the usual results of comparison etc and nothing to be concerned about (because of what is coming next below)
Just be with yourself for a few breaths first. Don't be rushing this now or I will put you onto SEVEN breaths rather than just six!

So just savour those few breaths just being there.

OK let's look at this now:

I feel dumb and inadequate.

To what or to whom does the word 'I' refer to in the above sentence in Direct Experience?

But I want to puff myself up

To what or to whom does the word 'I' refer to in the above sentence in Direct Experience?
Are either of those sentences anything more than just thoughts?

I knew you were going to say "is that all it is" !!

No, the sentences are nothing but thoughts. So when I start believing those thoughts as a concrete "I" then I take a few deep breaths, relax and come back to direct experience. MG

I knew you were going to say "is that all it is" !!

Chortle! Chortle!

No, the sentences are nothing but thoughts. So when I start believing those thoughts as a concrete "I" then I take a few deep breaths, relax and come back to direct experience.

Mmm! Lovely. So what effect does that have when you do this? What happens to those thoughts?

I'm aware of the thoughts but they haven't got a hold of me. They are more in the background, coming and going. I'm not strongly identified with them. I'm watching them. MG

I'm aware of the thoughts but they haven't got a hold of me. They are more in the background, coming and going. I'm not strongly identified with them. I'm watching them. MG

So these thoughts which are coming and going, are those actually 'you' or are those just thoughts which come and go?

They are thoughts that just come and go but I usually think of them as me which now sounds a bit ridiculous. MG

They are thoughts that just come and go but I usually think of them as me which now sounds a bit ridiculous. MG

Mmm! This is looking very nice.
I just want to re-visit some stock stuff now:

Just sit there and 'be' with those next few breaths just arriving there in front of the screen steadily aware that we are closing in on the final straight.

OK. Does what you call "you" actually exist?

The “you” that you think you are is JUST that thinking.
Those are mere thoughts. Not real. Not in control. (Just let this one sink in)

Does a “you” do the breathing, or the thinking? Is a “you” really in control of anything? Examine thoughts and actions. What is really here? What is real? There is an experience of aliveness, but does that need to be labeled “me”? This identification with all these thoughts feels normal and familiar, but it is ultimately not real and is the cause of Dukhka. This is what Insight consists of. This is what is meant by: 'it is so simple that it is overlooked'.

Do you exist? Is there in fact a 'you'? Look!

Look at a university. All it is, is a bunch of buildings, with certain types of people, with certain things being thought there. The label “university” is put on this area, and the feel of it being a university becomes very real, almost like an entity in itself. But there is only a bunch of buildings there. Now take your life, your limbs, head, brain, blood, guts, memories, thoughts, and feelings. All this stuff very much exists and is very real, but when all this stuff references itself and uses language like “me,” “myself,” and “I,” over time something that seems real appears, a feeling of ownership over all that a feeling of control, a feeling of “I am my name,” “This is me.” But truthfully, there’s nothing more there than the brain, the blood, the guts, the thoughts, the memories, and so on.

Much of this work consists of seeing how we get hooked by “our” thoughts. We examine these sharp, pointy, and sticky places. Just look in your direct experience and thought processes for the answers. Very simply: how do we “own” things? The screen you are reading on, is it a “your” screen or just “a” screen? Which seems more true? And why?

Is there a gap between the perceiver of thoughts thoughts and thinking or is there just one process that we call thinking? Test it with a sound. Stop everything for two minutes and listen intently to all sounds that are present. Is there a hearer of sounds, separate from hearing and the heard? Where does hearing happen? Listen to distant sounds. Where is the hearer then? With closed eyes, check if there is a line between here and there. Can it be defined?

So, quite a number of questions in there Gitana. Please take you time and answer each one.

I am at home all WE so we can work away at it.

Hola, when I'm aware of the aliveness of life all around me, when I sit or stand and become aware of what the senses are taking in then the "me" doesn't have the hold it normally does. I open up to life around me and it feels incredibly rich. I have the sense that there's nothing much to do but appreciate. But I have to make an effort to do that, its not naturally there all the time. No, there isn't a me, but I am strongly and familiarly identified with that most of the time.

The screen I'm looking at is just a screen. I handed over some money for it so somewhere so I think its mine and not
yours. But when I die who does the screen belong to? I feel that if I didn't think things were mine in a certain sense then I wouldn't take care of them, I'd be flaky and irresponsible.. Oh but hey that's just a thought, an idea that "I" have. Why would not seeing the screen as mine make me flaky? Why would not seeing things as mine make me irresponsible?

Listening to sounds in the foreground and background, there is just sound. There were all these different sounds which I often label as nice, annoying or whatever but when I just opened to the sounds coming and going and hearing the variety of sounds and not thinking about the sounds they were just there in experience. Like music but there were no labels of good or bad. MG

Smashing stuff!

No, there isn't a me, but I am strongly and familiarly identified with that most of the time.

That is normal even after seeing through the self view, so don't let that concern you.

I have the sense that there's nothing much to do but appreciate. But I have to make an effort to do that, its not naturally there all the time.

How much effort Gitana?

Just take half a dozen nice breaths and open into that actual Direct Experience you are now having at this moment

Is 'effort' the best term? Might a better term instead be 'just looking'? (This is what folk tend to be referring to when they go on about how incredibly 'obvious' insight is BTW)

when I'm aware of the aliveness of life all around me, when I sit or stand and become aware of what the senses are taking in then the "me" doesn't have the hold it normally does. I open up to life around me and it feels incredibly rich.

Yes, it is great isn't it? But we often wander away from our Direct Experience off into thought. We can then begin to orientate as though thought was somehow real rather than just 'thought'

But how real is thought? Have you ever 'wanted' to get out of bed at 6.30am but were still in bed, wide awake but completely immobile, a lot later than that? Have you ever set out to dedicatedly pursue one particular object of meditation but found that instead the mind wandered away onto something completely different?

I'd be flaky and irresponsible.. Oh but hey that's just a thought, an idea that "I" have. Why would not seeing the screen as mine make me flaky? Why would not seeing things as mine make me irresponsible?

Lovely stuff!!! Is an adult, perhaps especially a long-term Buddhist, going to suddenly start behaving irresponsibly when we know that is bound to get poor outcomes?

Listening to sounds in the foreground and background, there is just sound. There were all these different sounds which I often label as nice, annoying or whatever but when I just opened to the sounds coming and going and hearing the variety of sounds and not thinking about the sounds they were just there in experience. Like music but there were no labels of good or bad.

That's just sweet!
I will be back to you later today, early evening for a bit more.
Mbx

Actually I don't have to make much of an effort to appreciate what's around me. It can just take me a bit of time to climb out of the "me" hole if I've fallen down it. But then I pop my head up and its like wow, so much beauty and incredible aliveness. MGx

Hey thanks for that reply there! I'd forgotton that I'd said I would be back with more early evening!
OK I will be back in the morning> This is great:

[[[Actually I don't have to make much of an effort to appreciate what's around me. It can just take me a bit of time to climb out of the "me" hole if I've fallen down it. But then I pop my head up and its like wow, so much beauty and incredible aliveness.]]]

Brings to mind the parable of the well dwelling frog and the ocean dwelling frog.

Manana por le manana
Mbx

I want to hear from you about decisions.

Just sit there, take some breaths and look at this with Beginners Mind in Direct Experience:

How are decisions made?