Hi Gomi. Another long one, sorry :)
Taking this a little further. Thoughts appear. Can you SEE, that it is the story that one attaches to the thought that actually brings about and intensifies the state?
Well words are tricky here. "the story that one attaches to the thought". The story is the content of thought, or the content of a series of thoughts as far as I can see it. There is no 'one' attaching a story to a thought, because that one is a story, and the story is the thought. So it appears to be the content of thought, the logical view of thought, that intensifies the state, as the content is in some way negative in nature.
It is becoming more clear that content of thought is influenced by level of fear/love within the whole of being. The more fear, the more negative the thought content. However, content appears to intensify that fear by feeding the emotions.
Thoughts appear out of this state that desire for non-existence, for annihilation of logic, a melting away of the mind.
Yes, depending upon how it arises, it could be just thought or thought, yearning and emotion.
Is this coming from Direct Experience or a wishing for a different present moment?
Well, both I think. The thought is there AS a wishing for a different present moment, or no present moment at all. In direct experience the emotion and yearning is there, the emotional yearning can be intense, the thoughts make it painful, without the thoughts it is just intense. It feels like it is pulling, or reaching out for, yet uncomfortable.
What is actually desiring this?
Is there the old conditioning/an identification of Benny appearing? Can you return to Direct Experience?
Yes there is often the identification of Benny appearing.
There is so much frustration and resignation because it cannot be found, and thoughts that question the sense in existing at all if 'it' cannot be found. Thoughts don't know what this 'it' is, although they often suppose that it must be found in the right relationship. i.e. finding the 'one'. This is DEEP conditioning.
Can you find the sweetness of knowing that there is nothing that needs to be done, cuz it already IS, right here and now- IN SPITE of the deep conditioning? In spite of the content of thought that appears as resignation and frustration? :-)
Not very often. Only as another thought.
Can you see that everything is in perfection?
No, there have only been glimpses of this. Existence is generally uncomfortable, and there is a constant hoping for a more 'perfect' moment in the future. This is the conditioning that is always playing out and so life is lived accordingly. These are the thoughts that arising, and often there is identification with these thoughts, whatever identification really is.
Hmmm... a 'relationship' developed thru craving and neediness, vs. Self Completeness expressing itself in fullness with or without a 'relationship'...
Hmmmmmm :-) Sorry, couldn't resist. :-)
:D I know, logically, this is obvious, the craving serves no purpose whatsoever, only to cause suffering where there was none. That doesn't stop the craving from arising.
Can you find that it is DEEP CONDITIONING without it becoming a' mental construct'? This is a biggie. Obviously, the way to know is thru continually returning to SEEing in Direct Experience.
Well I can see that is continually and habitually arising. More importantly, 'I' can be aware whilst it is arising. It is SEEN as being useless in nature, yet that does not stop it from habitually happening.
The higher the level of fear, the more of a pull the story has, one slips into identification which in turn reinforces the conditioning and in a sense feeds it. Metaphorically speaking. It continues, because 'interest' or 'stickiness' is shown in story. That gravitational pull into story. Again, whatever that is.
Does it much matter how one labels a state? Can you see this is just another label-period?
Yes but there appears to be a sort of love/fear scale. A constant push and pull between them, which results in negative or positive states of being.
Are there any other areas that need to be explored?
Not sure to be honest.
Let's rephrase the question.(Inquiry doesn't just stop once you have seen through the illusion of self. Conditioning can reappear in a heart beat. Direct Experience and SEEing work in the here and now. You appear to be returning to this beautifully when you feel suffering occurring. Is this true? Can you answer this as a' yes' ...if you weren't adopting a perfectionist stance about it?)
Have you seen through the illusion of a separate self?
Yes.
'I' return to direct experience, to being in the now, SEEing, often. And much more so when suffering is occuring. conditioning does reappear in a heartbeat, and is there most of each day, unless 'I' put effort in to LOOK. Naturally there is no 'I' putting effort in, but it appears that way, and that way is the way it must play out. So long as there is conditioning, there will be an 'I' putting effort in.
So long as there is conditioning, there is an 'I' trying to LOOK, there is an 'I' trying to act ethically, to practise spiritually and so on. This is the story of 'me' waking up.
None the less, it is all just unfolding and the story is just a story. There is still identification with 'me' a lot of the time. But what else could there be really? This organism is within experience most of the time, and so this organism has a story. The story is unpleasant at times and pleasant at others. But that seems to only be influenced by the love/fear that is arising in the NOW. The story is just a story.
Identification with body is still strong. Again, why wouldn't it be? It has been this way for a long time. Still, when one 'looks', one does not see that there is necessarily any link between feeling and organism, thought and organism and so on.
There is just awareness of these things.
Benny
