Hi Ellie,
"Anger is not an emotion but a reaction."
Thanks for this, I have been pondering over this since yesterday! This makes you think about emotions a little differently. When you think of any emotion as a reaction there is less resistance to it. It is a natural phenomena over which there is no control.
Yes, I suppose that could include any emotion, an unexpected outpouring of grief or sadness or even happiness, but anger is a kind of secondary 'emotion' that is pushing away the primary emotion or sensation. Like the sadness you experienced. It is more like that. Anger is always worth investigating as it is pushing back at something, so the question is what is it pushing back at?
This is what I found - my mum popped in unexpectedly. I wasn't feeling too well and just wanted to go and sit on the sofa. I didn't say anything but irritation began to arise. I then thought I shouldn't be feeling irritated, she has just popped in for a coffee. There was a tightening in the throat. I traced this back to several of my core beliefs which I identified when I had CBT.
Wow, what a treasure trove you have found!
First of all, "I thought I shouldn't be feeling irritated!"
Look at that thought! Can you see the dualistic mind at work here.... An "I" that cannot be found to exist as a separate entity but only as a thought, thinking that "it" (2nd "I" that cannot be found to exist separately) should be behaving differently!!!
If irritated is a reaction (like anger)
could you control that reaction? AND more importantly, what was irritated pointing in the body? It always starts there in the body, the "I" movement begins as a contraction in the body.
My worth comes from being productive, organised, and seen to be trying hard.
I should not need help, and if I do, I should earn it without asking.
If I show too much of how I really feel, I might be rejected or left.
If people around me are unsettled, I need to fix it or I am not safe.
It is so great that you are already aware of these core beliefs. And, you are not alone with these kind of beliefs.
And, remember, what's in the way IS the way!
Perhaps you already looked into this patterns below, but here are some suggestions for working with these beliefs. Looking at the worst case scenario and then feeling it in the body. Only take one at a time so as not to overwhelm your nervous system.
1. How does trying hard FEEL in the body? Fill in first thought best thought
"If I dont try hard then ............................."
"And that will mean that ............................."
"And then I will be ...................................."
How does that FEEL in the body?
I would like to share this with you as I had the same mechanism running and I found that 'trying' was a huge and useless sensation of efforting that was actually restricting the movements of what I was 'trying' to do. In other words, it was totally counter productive!! Like pushing against a brick wall and expecting some result!
2. "If I ask for help that would mean I ................."
And the I will be ..........................................."
How does that FEEL in the body?
3. "If I am rejected or left then I will be ................."
And that will mean ..........................................."
How does that FEEL in the body?
4. "What would happen if I didn't try to fix it?
How does not being safe FEEL in the body?
But looking at all of this right now through the inquiry, I can see how completely automatically these beliefs and physical sensations fired off. There was no 'me' choosing to feel irritated or choosing to activate those old rules—the whole reaction just ran on autopilot.
This is really great Ellie!
And how is it now to have these beliefs and physical sensations running while all the while knowing that there is no separate "me" that is involved in any way, that it is all old patterns running on autopilot?
Do any of those beliefs relate to an actual independent, separate self, "I" , Ellie?
Is it okay for those beliefs to be there and offer the opportunity for deeper inquiry?
Who, what, or where is Ellie in your direct experience?.
Warmly,
Rowena
