The Gate

So it ("depressed") cannot be found in direct experience? How is it known to exist?

physically a heaviness of chest and leg is felt. of ribs/side.

I want to say it is like a flavor of experience, though I'm not sure "where that is found".


At times it seems there is the expectation here, that the feeling of being depressed would just be done and over with, when it's properly seen / I can answer your questions clear enough.

Just noting this down, because that might just be a bit ridiculous.

What is labeled "depressed" is increasingly just a different flavor than I am used to.

I think I’m feeling depressed (instead of just sad), because I‘m living live more ambitious and it feels unsafe and scares me.

What of this remains without an ‘I’ to own it?

feels much more natural (open, easy, direct)

thought: I need to remember that

I mean, yeah. Why don't I just remember, that this framing....
huh, even in that sentence, removing the "I" part feels just neat :)

Are any of these things actually dangerous right now?

Answering easy going first:
non of that is dangerous really. Nothing. Yet, when looking on "all the things i have to do" there comes a desire to just crawl into my apartment and shut myself of.

Does fantasizing about it when it isn’t here now make ‘you’ safe?

no

what comes is a plea / thought / feeling saying "but there needs to be *some* way to keep safe"

Asking "whom?" yields just sensation.

its quite a feeling to sit with.
there's a bit of chatter going on "about how uncomfortable it is"
there's avoidance around it.
a very exhausted sensation comes up.
feeling into that a little :)

Now you are guiding yourself Nils
❤️

I think this safety thread is an important one. keep LOOKING there today…

Feel the exhausted thing.
Then tell me what is the sensation actually doing, right now, when you stop helping it with the story?

Also put a postit up on the mirror…
👋
What is here without I?
What is here, in direct experience, right now?

Try it with “all the things I have to do”

What is here without I?

So, I asked myself that since reading the message, and it's "somewhat clear", that everything's the same.
Still gonna do that post it note stuff :)

Try it with “all the things I have to do”

Today's a real confrontation with that.
it's really a confrontation with the feeling of "I have to do so much".
And that can be sat with, or carried throughout what is actually happening.

Adendum:
It's actually a feeling that I might label, as "unsafe".
And that makes it more "real", more believed.

Right now everything feels rather nice, but so unfamiliar, in a way.

Feel the exhausted thing.
Then tell me what is the sensation actually doing, right now, when you stop helping it with the story?

so, it sort of relaxes in a way that is pleasant and labeled as "I want that", AT THE SAME TIME, it's rather scary actually.

The sensation works through the body, going from location to location in ways, that seem to not be possible (i.e. as if the leg is directly attached to the heart OR as if the heart shines "around the chest")

It feels like a careful / little bit anxious leap of faith is happening when not supplying a story.


...

I feel like I'm noticing an "obsession" with progress.
I think some part of me is always pushing really.

Now you are guiding yourself Nils
❤️

I'm sometimes bad with social queues, is this goodbye?

I think this safety thread is an important one. keep LOOKING there today…

So, today everything feels oddly vulnerable and cautiously safe.

it's close to being overwhelming. The energetic component of it is quite intense at times. some tingling occurs in the body (left foot right now). The face is felt (not as dense as usual. Usually it only feels dense, and less accessible)

‘Scary’, or NEW?

Not goodbye, just wanted you to notice how the questions are asking themselves now.

it's close to being overwhelming. The energetic component of it is quite intense at times.

Yes. Is there actual control of this? Can the hall monitor go on break?

Yes. Is there actual control of this? Can the hall monitor go on break?

This did something. There’s just sensation now.
Sensation seems to be more clear and less personal

Am a bit glad as well the question at times come on their own :)

‘Scary’, or NEW

I think the state at times shifts between being very clean, and between being a bit de-personalized / detached.
It occured that the latter is associated with being (story time) "an 18 year old fuck up high on meds".
There's judgement and shame around that.

Oh, there seem to be so many avenues that are worth investigating.

- That sensation named above.
- That sensation of feeling unsafe, when there's possibility of failure.
- There's a slight sensation of fear of not pursuing / not actively doing "awakening stuff".

To be honest, I think the only thing there is to do, is let the body do it's thing at the moment.
it's really A LOT that goes on there.
Or really let anything do it's thing right now.


OH MY GOD
that was just SUCH an intense movement though the body.
pew.

It occured that the latter is associated with being (story time) "an 18 year old fuck up high on meds".
There's judgement and shame around that.

Is this person here now? Really, where does this exist here now beyond the thought?

If there is a sensation called ‘shame’ somewhere lets look right there, and feel it fully, but thinking about it is going to perpetuate the fiction spiral.

Close your eyes and imagine a glass of cool fresh water in your hands.
Feel the weight of the glass, its texture, the temperature. Does the water sparkle? Have a sip. Feel the coolness in the mouth running down to the stomach, the refreshing feeling.
Now open your eyes.
Drink the water you just imagined…

Is this person here now? Really, where does this exist here now beyond the thought?

Immediately some voice/resistance comes up proclaiming this would be "using this to spiritually bypass problems that need to be confronted".
Next thought: "But where would I look?"

there's not much going on right now.

Thought: "where did I get that answer from?" (implied: I need to look there again and i doubt it was there)

Hah!

Body responds to all that (but body responds to everything recently, all the time)

If there is a sensation called ‘shame’ somewhere lets look right there, and feel it fully, but thinking about it is going to perpetuate the fiction spiral.

Oh. Nice one.

Have a sip.

It's crazy how almost almost almost the water is there. this exercise bears repeating.

It's a zoo of experiences that get relabeled.
"Thirsty" labeled sensation => proof of Water
feeling of air rushing in mouth => proof of water in mouth

not to revel in a cliché, but it all does feel like a massive psychedelic trip at times. Especially that withering of the sense of time.
I don't think it has been seen through properly, not really.(I don't think I know what "properly seen through" means, but I hope it communicates enough)

There is a movement here that says something like "I'm scared, Becc". very tiny voice really.
I think I feel quite tiny right now, in a way.
And old. And beaten.

I feel far too old to be this young since such a long time, by this point my age seems to have caught up a bit.

And that sentence was written mostly, because I liked how it sounded (that was egoic).
It's still honest.
(I just don't know how it's supposed to relate to the rest of the message)

I feel too burned out for this entire "life" thing, and it really scares me.

It might be that's what's underneath this whole "feeling scared of living live more adventurously" thing.

> what is here without "I"?

There's a assumption that properly seeing means everything would be okay and not perceiving everything as neutral and okay means not properly seeing.

thoughts come on their own.

> What's here in direct experience?

> Is direct experience the only thing that is?

thought: What about the past?... obviously it doesn't fit in there.
that seems like a good question.
some wonky stuff is going on.

Sense of time does not need to be seen through for the self illusion to be seen through. It is kind of a side quest.

Who wants to reference the past? Does it exist now outside of thought?

There's a assumption that properly seeing means everything would be okay and not perceiving everything as neutral and okay means not properly seeing.

The gate is not a personality shift, it’s a perception shift.

So, seeing through this assumption, can everything be just as it is? because it is…

I feel too burned out

Thought or direct experience? Describe direct experience.

Does it (the past) exist now outside of thought?

no real answer, no past either.


Id... have to think about it (for it to "be there")

This still feels more like an riddle than an answer.

Who wants to reference the past?

> can no answer be taken as an answer?

sitting with this.

A voice came saying "me" to answer this question.
That felt interesting definitely.

It's like an answer to this self-conundrum is at the tip of my tongue.

> whose tongue? is there an owner to the sensation labeled "tongue"?
GRRRRRRR

THIS IS LEADING NOWHERE. AAAAH. It's hitting the head against a wall, I'm telling you.

So, seeing through this assumption, can everything be just as it is? because it is…

I have no idea what is.

I notice that, today at least, I'm deeply invested in stories, that have little to do with raw perception.

I feel too burned out

Thought or direct experience? Describe direct experience.

tension in body, labeled "stuck". Sensation of "face" / "skin".
Movement of fear.
slow movements labeled "tired". (at the moment, distinctly not tired)

telling a bit from memory, there was QUITE a confrontation today with exhaustedness.
And I mainly noticed that there's virtually no difference between exhaustedness and rest.

Just writing this out I wonder, can this be even true?
Not wanting to make a general statement, but today that was the case.

it seems that every occurence of "future hope" can ("should"..?) be set with, instead of acted upon.

i.e. "Oh, a coffee would be wonderful now" => "what is it I am feeling?"

The first one is kind of describing an fix for an itch, that seems to have been overlooked

there really is resistance to what is here