The Gate

From my first post:

One thing that is helpful is to come to this forum
& post every day. Sometimes the site goes down. It will be back. Just come back later.


Loving,

Hi Stacy.

Yes that is good advice. It does seem beneficial to write. That being said, often times writing seems difficult. Not that it's difficult to put words down but the process of "choosing" words is exhausting at times. Writing more frequently will help though I'm sure. It seems that very little changes from day to day so often it seems like there's nothing new to say. I could write a lot or a little or nothing at all. It seems the more I write the more philosophical it gets which I'm trying to avoid cause I know it's not rooted in direct experience. I guess instead I could just talk more about direct experience. But that doesn't seem new or interesting either. Maybe that's the problem? Often it seems the more I write the less I like what I've written. Of course there are a lot of references to "I" here which is simply useful for communication. It does seem, in general, that more direct experience is simply being experienced instead of resisted which is good. Though at times there is a wish for something different but even this is starting to be felt more than being resisted. Usually when these things are felt into it's not obvious what the "feeling" is, like no words adequately capture the sensations. Also there are times, especially when I'm walking outside, where an expansiveness is felt and sometimes there's a weird perception that the trail is "stretching out" in front of me as I walk. I'll share more tomorrow. Pardon the ramblings :)

Thanks,
Andrew

Try this:




Sports Exercise

Please note that you will have to check the link when using this exercise, to make sure it is still viable, as sometimes they are removed from Youtube.

The following link is a 7 minute clip of a soccer game. If you prefer another sport…please feel free to find one to do this exercise with.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy5pL-myDzw

1. Watch one minute with the sound turned OFF, watching ‘people’ messing about with a round thing on a field, up and down, up and down. Let it sink in, the whole experience.

2. Once the first minute is completed, now watch another whole minute with the commentary turned ON.

Notice the differences.

Notice how the commentator (thought) offers lots of know-how, even advice. It seems to feel as though they can influence, somehow, what is going on, as though one outcome is much preferred to the opposite outcome. The commentary may seem to heighten any supporter feelings which are there, and call for an identification with one team or other, and with the importance of the game itself.

3. Now turn the volume OFF AGAIN and just watch the action with NO audible commentary, the shapes moving around on the screen etc. Again notice all the differences in what is appearing as experience.

4. Now turn the volume ON again and ignore what you think you know thought is talking about, and just notice it as sound.

What did you find when doing this exercise? Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?

And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

As always, relax & have fun!

Loving,

Hi Stacy

Thank you for sharing this exercise.

What did you find when doing this exercise? Is the commentary on the soccer game a necessity for the play to happen?

It is blatantly obvious that the commentary on the game is not a necessity for the play to happen.

And in the same way, is the inner narration of thought a necessity for the play of life to happen?

In the same way it's becoming more obvious that inner narration is not necessary for life to happen. It's odd that while this is patently obvious there is still some inner resistance that appears when confronted with this obvious fact - but it's also becoming obvious that any resistance is itself just a thought, or a thought mixed with a sensation. There is some feeling like "this can't be true because then I would be unnecessary so I must deny it". There seems to be some underlying fear that life won't work without "me" as well as a kind of reluctance to let "me" go because then life would be boring with no one to enjoy it. These are really weird ideas now that they are written out! There seems to also come a kind of racing mind syndrome when this is seen which feels like energy/attention rapidly flashing around in the head and neck and chest as if looking for something to hold on to.

Thanks,
Andrew

Let go.

Relax.

Surrender

Loving,

There seems to be some underlying fear that life won't work without "me" as well as a kind of reluctance to let "me" go because then life would be boring with no one to enjoy it.

There's ALREADY no *you!"

Loving,

I know there's already no me, I'm just trying to express the experience. If I had to put the experience into words, these are the words I would use (whoever this "I" is). But then here we are again with words writing themselves. But then it seems there is not much to write. Just that it seems progress is being made slowly whatever that means and...? There sometimes is gnawing cynicism. Again, it seems the more that's written, the more absurd it gets.

Let's try again. Talk about the day? That seems silly because it's just thoughts about the past... Talk about right now? That seems silly cause there's just sitting here typing this... Future is just thoughts too.

There seems to be some underlying hope and expectation that "awakening" will improve things, like an "aha" moment but this hope seems to be slowly eroding. But then it's not obvious what's left. Just "this". Without anything to say about it (which somehow seems very depressing). It seems the underlying hope is for "liberation unleashed"... but it's not clear what this is. Just this? Is "this" liberation? Wtf? Confusion ad nauseam? Just an abiding recognition that the "self" is an illusion? But then who is recognizing this? Reality recognizing itself? God finding him/her/itself in its hide and seek game? This "awakening" to this? Words words words, labels labels labels, "it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" which brings about feelings and sensations, if I were to label them, of melancholy and nostalgia for something just out of memory. Again, I apologize for the philosophical pontifications but I don't know what else to write.

Thanks,
Andrew

Hi Andrew,,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. That does happen sometimes.

llike no words adequately capture the sensations.

That's true. They can't. We just do our best.

Also there are times, especially when I'm walking outside, where an expansiveness is felt and sometimes there's a weird perception that the trail is "stretching out" in front of me as I walk.

How does it FEEL with you see this way? Say more about that Direct Experience, please. .
That could be the shift in perception we're looking for.

We have a pointer like that. Try this:

Nature Exercise

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

If yes, where is the boundary?

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

Loving,

Thank you for the nature exercise pointer. I am planning on taking a nature walk with a friend tomorrow, actually, so I will focus on the movement as instructed and post more after that. I definitely know what you're talking about cause I've experienced it before, or something like it.

Thanks,
Andrew

Excellent.

Loving,

How does it FEEL with you see this way? Say more about that Direct Experience, please.

It feels nice I suppose. When this is seen there is usually some inclination that comes up to "preserve" the perception, but then the inclination seems only to distort it.

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

If yes, where is the boundary?

No there's no boundary.

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

No, no inside and outside.

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

No I suppose not. One can conceptualize something dark and solid and unmovable but that imagination is still part of the whole.

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

No, no witness. Everything is just happening of itself.

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Well kind of. It seems witnessing is inherent to reality - like witnessing the computer is the same thing as the computer - like it's made out of consciousness or something. Though this is often forgotten. Though forgetting this doesn't make it not so.

Is there anything which is not just happening?

No, everything is just happening.

Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

On the walk itself I was somewhat distracted by the conversation I was having with my friend. Though now writing this it's all easier to see.

How did it FEEL to see all of that?


Loving,

It feels good to see this but also bittersweet because I'm anticipating not seeing it soon, or forgetting it. So then whenever this is seen there's some discouragement in the experience. Like I'm trying to capture it but I can't.

Good morning,

Sorry about the bitter sweetness but it is a pendulum that swings back and forth between seeing and not seeing for quite a while.


Can you expand on "good" and say more than that about the direct experience?

Can you say 100% that there is no separate self? Even when you're not actually seeing it at the moment?

Are you still doubting that you have seen that there is no self?

Loving,

Can you expand on "good" and say more than that about the direct experience?

Well when the truth is seen there are sometimes accompanying pleasant sensations, like those I mentioned a few weeks ago. When I'm still and feel into my body there often arise pleasant sensations of aliveness or something, like warm, soothing, good feelings (which are difficult to capture in words). Maybe pure energy? It seems like a process of letting go, and the more I let go of the more of this good energy is felt and experienced. But often I find myself still searching for something as if it's not already all right here now. It's becoming more clear that this searching can simply be let go of.

Can you say 100% that there is no separate self? Even when you're not actually seeing it at the moment?

Yes

Are you still doubting that you have seen that there is no self?

Yes, it would seem so. The pendulum analogy is very relatable to experience here. Being on the pendulum can be discouraging because I've heard accounts from others (in the Gateless Gatecrashers book and other sources) having some type of irreversible shift in perception where, going forward, they never regress to their "old" state. Then it's assumed that if no self were truly seen there would be no regressions in personal experience which implies it hasn't been truly seen, at least not in a "strong enough" manner. But then, who is assuming this? Who is believing this? Who has heard accounts from others? It's becoming more clear that these questions and ideas can simply be let go of.

There is a slow learning to stay with "truth" more consistently and to more clearly see through the doubts that always accompany any seeing. The doubts say/think things like "you're not really awake, if you were awake would you be doubting?" or "If you stay with just experiencing you'll be unable to carry out your responsibilities to work and family" or "look at this deep darkness inside, if you were awake wouldn't you be able to see through this darkness?" and stuff like that. It's becoming more clear that these doubts can simply be let go of.

Thank you for the penetrating questions. Wrestling with these questions is very beneficial.

Thanks,
Andrew