The Gate

Dear Cheryl,

I don't know how you manage to find the right words...I took courage today by repeating this oxygen mask thing to myself.
It's true that if I don't think about being well myself first, I can't help anyone and in fact I become a problem.
So far, I have always been concerned about making others feel good even when I should have said "no," while avoiding arguments and fights, because I am unable to sustain conflict, much less break off relationships.
Tomorrow we will see what happens...he usually calls me on Saturday morning.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lucia

Dear Lucia,

What did "putting on your own oxygen mask first" look like during your conversation with your brother?

Love,
Cheryl

There wasn’t any conversation. He didn’t call me for the first time in 17 years.
I feel so much pain, I spent all yesterday morning crying and then I was exhausted for the rest of my day.
This morning I still feel bad, I am scared of having been a bad person. I see that this feeling of guilt doesn’t take me anywhere but in a nerve exhaustion but I feel so weak and helpless. My mind doesn’t help: I see that all this mess is my mind point of view, yet I am not able to switch the program to a different and more healthy one.
The only positive thing I see in this situation is that I realized what the mind does, the tremendous power it has.
I'm trying to figure out what keeps me from letting go of this malaise and focusing on the present, and I think it's the fear of experiencing more pain. I can see that there is a thought that if I am sick I am less likely to have other unpleasant things happen to me, whereas if I am well it is almost certain that something bad will happen to me. I also see that this is a thought related to my past, where every time it seemed like things were starting to get better something bad happened.
In my mind there is this and there is also guilt for losing patience instead of putting up with and indulging to avoid the quarrel.
As you can see, I'm pretty confused.
And all this happens in the only two weeks of vacation I have this year.

Love,
Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Wow. What a tangle of thoughts! And yet you have the distance to know that thoughts are the culprit. Some thoughts give rise to emotions. Ai-yi-yi!

You might consider attending Vince Schubert's meet-ups. He's been an LU guide for 12 years.
I'll send you the link directly.


Now, let's take one of these thoughts apart.

I am scared of having been a bad person.

What does this look like in Direct Experience?


Maybe something like this (I'm making a lot of guesses, so you will have to correct this.)

thought--i am a bad person
thought--i am a bad person because (the church says so).
thought--i am a bad person because (women are supposed to take care of.....)
thought--i am a bad person because (it's part of my Italian culture....)

You get the idea. List all the thoughts that say "Lucia is a bad person." Maybe you'll come up with 5 or 10 or more?

There's another thought hiding in here. Something like "If i'm a bad person, i'm scared that...." What?
thought--If i'm a bad person, (i will go to hell).
thought--If i'm a bad person, (my friends will judge me).
thought--If i'm a bad person, (what would my mother say?)
thought--Since i'm a bad person, (i can never wake up.)

List all the thoughts that say "I'm scared because...."

Love,
Cheryl

Hi dear Cheryl.
Yesterday I did the thoughts exercise and I have to say that your guesses are quite accurate ;)
I am a bad person because I lost my patience,
I am a bad person because I wasn’t loving enough
I am a bad person because sisters has to take care of brothers in need
I am a bad person because I have this kind of brother
I am a bad person because I can’t stand it anymore
I noticed that these thoughts are swinging: I think I am a bad person because....but when I reason about it I also see that I am NOT a bad person for another set of reasons. But still they are all thoughts, there is nothing real about them.
The worst thoughts are:
“I am a bad person since my life is full of suffering.
Evidently I have heavy karma, my life will always be difficult, I will have to face problem after problem, sorrow and pain, and I will not be allowed to awaken because I have to suffer”
A variation of these thoughts is that if it is true that life mirrors who we are, evidently I am a hopeless mess and can only expect to continue to suffer. These days for a good part of the day I am filled with anxiety that something negative will happen to me again, I feel some rest around 5 pm when the day is almost at the end.
Turtles and turtles as you said some weeks ago, unfortunately all negative.
❤️
Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I noticed that these thoughts are swinging

Hooray! You've noticed the civil war of the mind.

thought--I'm a bad person because i lost my patience.
thought--I'm not a bad person (I'm actually good) because i've been putting up with this man for 17 years. In fact, i have 17 years of patience.

Thought upon thought upon thought--turtles all the way down.

We could go a couple of different directions (at least):

Who is the I who is a person?
Who says what a bad person is?
Is it possible for an "I" to lose patience?


Another set of questions relates to suffering.

my life is full of suffering.

Well, that is exactly the First Noble Truth of Buddhism.
Everyone's life is full of suffering--whether they recognize it or not.

So, how can you be a bad person because your life is full of suffering?
Does this mean that everyone is a bad person because everyone suffers?

Is it true that "My brother suffers, therefore he is a bad person"?

"Bad person" sounds like a judgment. It sounds like self-hatred (which is epidemic in Western culture).
Who is judging?

If God is Love, i have a hunch, He/She is not judging.

Love,
Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Who is the I who is a person?

The “I” which I refer to is this body-mind, I do not refero to an abstract entity. In this sense there is no “I” but there is this body and this mind and this behavior.

Who says what a bad person is?

In this case it is my judgement, and surely it comes from my catholic background.

Is it possible for an "I" to lose patience?

The meaning I give to “I lost my patience” is that this body mind reacted with rage and not with compassion to an abusive behavior.

So, how can you be a bad person because your life is full of suffering?
Does this mean that everyone is a bad person because everyone suffers?
Is it true that "My brother suffers, therefore he is a bad person"?

Ok, I see that this is a series of thoughts that generalize and therefore are not always true.

"

Bad person" sounds like a judgment. It sounds like self-hatred (which is epidemic in Western culture).
Who is judging?

Who is judging…there is this thought in this mind linked to this body and I call all this situation “I am judging myself”….
I cannot see myself other than this body and its mental and behavioral processes 😩

Thank you ❤️
Lucia

Dear Lucia,

this body mind reacted with rage

Well, of course, it did.
1) "this body mind" is trying to protect itself.
It might be saying/thinking/feeling something like "Get away from me." or "I'm not safe here with you." or "I need to protect myself." or "I need to protect my family." You tell me if this feels accurate. Or not.

2) by this time, rage is most likely a habit. Neither good nor bad, just a habit. Buddhists would call it unskillful, but perhaps in this instance, it is not "bad". Is it "tough love"?

P.S. Someone else in this relationship has a very bad habit of abuse.

3) Maybe the rage of this body/mind is saying "Listen to me." for the thousandth time in 17 years. "Listen to me." "Listen to me."

4) Maybe this body/mind is saying "Hey Lucia: Just listen to yourself. Your "self" is trying to tell you something." What might that be?

this body mind reacted with rage and not with compassion to an abusive behavior.

There is such a thing as "idiot compassion." For instance, toward an abuser.

We can practice compassion when we are safe. First, we need to save ourselves. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Dear, dear Lucia. I am not a therapist. You are in an abusive relationship. We are off the LU track, but until this issue of abuse has some resolution, it's very difficult to proceed.

The alarm bells are ringing, and the fire alarm needs to be dealt with before we can proceed on the LU track.

You can see the glimmers of not-self. I have complete confidence that you can walk through the gateless gate.
But that will not solve this outer situation with the abusive relationship.

Much love to you, Lucia,
Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

The rage I reacted with was saying something like “ How dare you behave so insolently after all the patience we had with you and all the times we had to help you or when we gave up our lives to be with you???”

We are off the LU track, but until this issue of abuse has some resolution, it's very difficult to proceed.

I understand. I am very grateful to you for the words you wrote about this situation, you opened my eyes. Thanks to you I took an appointment with a therapist for next Monday.

I have complete confidence that you can walk through the gateless gate.

I hope so, both for myself and to be able to help others on this path.
I thank you with all my heart for the guidance you gave me all these months and for the love with which you wrote me in this situation.
I understand that there is someone more ready than me waiting for your guidance, but I ask if I can still write to you in some time if I am better, to resume the guidance.
❤️
Lucia