The Gate

I’m getting some clarity on the doubt . I’ll update you tomorrow

🙏

The doubt in the body is something in the body that I have always avoided. I didn't know what it was or how to access it. I also had an aversion to it. It has been a numbness that holds me back in all areas of my life.
I have felt into the uncomfortable feelings and there has been some releasing. In retrospect I started this about a year ago with sitting with the feelings that woke me up in the night. Being with the feelings for often two hours. From the rate of time this unravelling or whatever is taking, I get the impression it could take a long time. Especially when I hear it took Todd eight months or more. From Pernille I understand that I need to spend time creating calm and being with the body sensations. How then to navigate doing enquiry? Would that be create clam and enquire and move to body sensations whenever they become dominate or distracting ? I am concerned that I quite a difficult resistant case for you and wonder if I should go and do some somatic work and come back to this at another time ?

The other night I was doing the direct seeing exercise and everything that I thought was direct seeing was recognized as a thought, a thought of direct seeing. like noting the thoughts the noting or recognition itself being a thought. This gave rise to frustration.

No frustration here and there is no need to get anywhere in a hurry on my side. I think it is fair to stay open to what is most helpful and flexible as we have done before. For now for starters, feel deeply into the sensation of doubt/uncertainty/fear. No trying to make it go away or change. Now does that sensation say anything bad or untrue? Does it say there is a separate self or that you are wrong/confused/not seeing? Is there anything inherently untrue or uncaring about it? Really make sure to separate what the feeling really says from habitual beliefs.

No frustration here and there is no need to get anywhere in a hurry on my side. I think it is fair to stay open to what is most helpful and flexible as we have done before. For now for starters, feel deeply into the sensation of doubt/uncertainty/fear. No trying to make it go away or change. Now does that sensation say anything bad or untrue? Does it say there is a separate self or that you are wrong/confused/not seeing? Is there anything inherently untrue or uncaring about it? Really make sure to separate what the feeling really says from habitual beliefs.


Thanks, I'm finding my way with a more gentle approach. i have tended to feel under pressure. i notice when I enquire into thoughts and the doer there is a tendency to be wanting something to go away and also wanting to hold on to it, rather than just noticing.

When I feel deeply into the sensation of doubt the thoughts do stick to it but as I stay with the sensation the thoughts loosen and the sensation changes, becomes less so and fades. The doubt does come back again. The doubt and a general icky feeling are mixed together. The sensation doesn't say anything bad and untrue itself but it is associated with the thoughts that say those things. I will do more of this. The doubt in the intense form only appears now and then. Though I could say there is often there in the background.

All right Ben! Is there anything you want my help with at this point or you wanna just gently continue as you do and reach out to me when you feel it is time?

Hi Elad, Thanks this seems like a good way to go. I have plenty to work with right now. I really appreciate your support , commitment and skillful guidance. I will carry on with this gentle work for now and come back to you when I feel it is time.
many thanks

Hi Elad, Thanks this seems like a good way to go. I have plenty to work with right now. I really appreciate your support , commitment and skillful guidance. I will carry on with this gentle work for now and come back to you when I feel it is time.
many thanks

With love. Any questions or challenges, weather pertaining to seeing self illusion (LU focus) or shadow work and integration (broader), feel free to talk to me. Until next time!

Hi Ben, a little check in, how are things for you? :)

Hi Elad, thanks for the check in. I've been in a bit of a dark place. It may have been triggered by the direct enquiry. after spending a month with family through December and January. Where I had a complete break from enquiry, on coming back and doing more enquiry I found myself unearthing the sense that the base of my identity is shame and that everything I have done and the way I am in the world stems from this sense of shame and has such i find no authenticity in myself... This has been unsettling and I have been on the waiting list to see a trauma therapist and hoping to start EMDR and IFs with her this week. I have also been shedding things in my life and trying to sort out my finances but more importantly setting boundaries. This includes stopping seeing a frenemy who I have been spending time with over the years. I am seeing also now that I need to set internal boundaries and stop gaslighting myself too. I've been doing a bit of a dive into cptsd. This has been very useful to help me to understand my past in a clearer way. More recently over the last week or so I have been able to practice mediation again and have been favouring the relaxation self compassion type of meditation. I feel like I may be ready for more direct enquiry soon. This week I feel lighter and more spacious. While a month ago I felt like i was not at all on the continuum of awakeness. I now feel I am. That I see through the self, in a small way perhaps.
My take at the moment is that I don't allow myself to fully see through the self due to the shame base. that I don't trust, don't trust myself.
I see that you are doing session with POK. Cool, that sounds really interesting but I understand its for practitioners so not for me.

appreciate your support

many thanks

Ben

Hi Ben, good to hear from you.

Sounds like important positive developments - and rough, of course.

Maybe say more about what makes you consider take up "direct inquiry" again and what could make you hesitate?

Hi Elad,

I'd say that I buy into the idea that direct enquiry is possibly the best way into Liberation. However when i do it I seem to lack concentration and my mind wanders. Though there are times when I seem to get in the zone. Mostly when it seems to work, ie that I can start to see things in direct experience, I seem to bounce off the enquiry and get lost in thought. As if I have a protection mechanism that prevents me going further with it. I have taken the view that it is trauma that is preventing me. Especially as the recognition of being shame based came into view. My hesitation in continuing enquiry for now is based on me seemingly getting stuck in difficult places. I'm thinking that working on my trauma and resistance might be more useful for now.

Hi Ben, that all sounds really understandable here...

How about you just keep looking gently whenever it feels right:

1) what is being taken to be a self or something that is in my control?

2) is it?

Don't aim for awakening, just to look and see whatever is readily available.

Write me when you feel like it.

How would it sound to keep a light connection going like that?

Thanks Elad,

This sounds good to me. I have written the questions on a card which I will keep in my pocket and refer to.
I will report back on how things are going.

in appreciation

Ben

🌻

Hi Ben, checking in, how are you, how is the process?