Good afternoon Ripper,
So what happened as you considered that you conceptualize your whole waking time?
Not much, noticing that there are colors sounds, feelings and the mind dresses everything up in concepts, i saw that before, but it's not happening naturally, it's on periods when im focusing on my exercises/practices.
Ok, here is something that applies to many areas in this investigation. That is that once something is seen, it no longer needs to be sought out to see it again. If it needs to be revisited then it hasn't been seen clearly the first time.
If we examine this a little deeper, we need to consider what "seen" actually is.
In this case it is firstly recognizing something as actual, then secondly appreciating what this means. What the ramifications of it are, then thirdly responding to it differently.
For example; when we recognize that there is no such thing as an independent, separate self running the show, it means that we give up the delusion that we have control, make choices and decisions and live with the illusion that it appears one way but is actually another.
If we still behave as if we can control the outcome of anything, then we haven't properly integrated that seeing.
In this case it is crazy to keep looking for new and different ways to achieve the same thing.
We need to go back and investigate more fully the thing that we saw but didn't find a new way of being from.
Ok, im still doing it, but when im trying to be more relaxed about it without "forcing" it it happens very rarely, yesterday i had a bad day and it happened only maybe 2-3 times, im not noticing dropping of stress levels from that.
While you focus on the outcome you are unable to focus on NOW.
This happens NOW. Not in the future.
You say that things don't happen when you are relaxed, but a forced outcome is of no value. It misses the point.
We are learning how to be relaxed and flow with what life offers, not push the river.
Those 2 -3 times that it did happen are worth 100 times more than any manipulated outcomes.
I cant help thoughts that this is not working, but as i said i wont stop this time.
This is really good. ..and when those thoughts arrive, if you've appreciated that they are just habitual mind creations, then you will give them no credibility and will dismiss them as a waste of space.
and knowing that this is kind of "programming".
"programming' is right. Just as you have been programmed to think the way that you did. ..but "programming" has a dark implication. i prefer to refer to is as conditioning.
People program. Conditions happen.
Im not doing normal things, my life is not composed of normal activities people doing anyway, but now im in full liberation mission, when im "relaxing away" from it no recognitions, no stillness/silence, no no-doership is noticed or vaery rarely i should say.
i get this. i was pretty obsessive in my seeking, but you're not practising to join a monastery or retreat to a cave in some mountain. You are re-conditioning to live in an insane world in a sane way.
i still dont understand what you mean by this difference of experiencing this.
Do you grok that what you experience is a result of responding to your interpretation of what you think is there?
my thought process was that other practices than laughing may be more beneficial.
Then do them as well as the laughing and see how beneficial that they are. (just write about them here)
frustration arises anyway and its not helping abviously.
Are you laughing when you recognize the stories that bring on the frustration?
Maybe instead of looking for a replacement to the laughing, we need to look more closely at how you are doing it. What do you think?
I started fasting, its my 4th day, you didnt comment on it,
Yes. i didn't comment as i don't see how it fits with what we are doing.
i do a 3 or 4 day fast about once a month, but not for 'spiritual' reasons.
Your intensity is both admirable and frightening.
i worry that your stress levels will cloud your thinking. When emotions lead we often stumble into suffering.
with love & compassion
vince