The Gate

Hi, Vince. Poor choice of words on my part again. Instead of take effort out, remove effort, delete effort, forget effort. Be in effortlessness.

No, I didn't see a PM, but now I can see there is one. I can't figure out how to make it open. All I can see is the title. My time zone is Pacific or Los Angeles time.

Ah! Got it open this time.

Love,
Leela

Good evening Leela,

Instead of take effort out, remove effort, delete effort, forget effort. Be in effortlessness.

Oh good.
Run through these questions to see if we have missed anything.
Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.
Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through the illusion of an inherently independent self.
Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self
Take each of these and find examples in experience for each of them; Decision, intention, free will, choice, control and responsibility.

with love

vince

Good Morning, Vince.

Describe how the illusion of an independent, self came into being by giving examples from actual experience.

I can't say exactly when it came to be, however, there are a few memories: I'm the oldest child, and there seemed to be a lot of misery and crying around the baby brother. Crying to be held, but he got all the holding. Not wanting him to touch me (he would feel my silky underpants and say "moo" and it drove my child self CRAZY, with crying to get him away from me). So, definitely a sense of painful separation. Love and affection were taken away from little me when the baby brother came along. I have no memory of the time before he arrived. The sense of separation seems to have happened before a memory of it was retained.

Then give some experiential examples of how life changed for you after seeing through the illusion of an inherently independent self.

The thought-stream continues to support the sense of a separate self. I can (and do at times) say "stop it!" or just step back from it, disengage with the thoughts. Does being able to lay aside any personal agenda to facilitate a meeting count? Maybe not. Independent self...hmmmm. Everything depends upon everything else--understood. Is this just another mental construct? There has been no big change. Are there small ones? I can still believe some of my thoughts enough to create more misery for myself. And see it afterwards.

Can you remember any specific inquiry that resulted in an epiphany? ..a before and after seeing the actuality of the Self

The recent one about non-acceptance of others = non-acceptance of myself. Small, not big epiphany. Can't remember much about past inquirys. So, I just read all of my past entries looking for epiphanies. Found moments of clarity, but no BIG EPIPHANY. However, I thought we established that grasping for an epiphany was not conducive to awakening. It does seem like my mind is getting messier and messier through all my posts.

Examples in experience for:
Decision: The decision to move here instead of there, to pursue one course of study and not another, to pursue one relationship and not another. They would appear to be decisions, however, a lot of things had to come together to make them happen: everything that ever happened had to come together to make one apparent decision happen.
Intention: Along the lines of a decision. It would be a choice to move in a particular direction, also a product of the influence of everything that ever happened. There is an intention to awaken here, fueled by the accumulated energy of everything that ever happened.
Free will: The i that i think i am is a product of conditioning and has no free will. If I looked at what the conditioning would predict and did something else, that could be free will, unless it was in reaction to the conditioning. If I say what I'm really thinking, I'm in conditioning. If I hold back and do not say it, it is still conditioning.
Choice: Chocolate or vanilla? A preference would be a product of conditioning, which can change over time, as tastes change. Bigger: people are often afraid to quit a job they hate and feel they have no choice because they are afraid of what would happen if they quit. I quit when something really sucks, even if it means stepping into the unknown. Was it a choice to quit? Conditions appeared to drive the choice. And I have also chosen to stay and try to deal with things. Was that a choice? Or is it all a result of everything that ever happened leading to whatever happened?
Control: There is no such thing. However, there is still a desire to control certain outcomes: the climate (indoors or THE CLIMATE), cats in the wildlife areas, cleaning up the house. The desire to control causes suffering. And everything that ever happened leads to what is happening, there is a trajectory heading to one of many possible outcomes.
Responsibility: Responsibility and blame are often used interchangeably, but we are not heading in that direction. When I blame someone/thing else, then I am not taking responsibility. However, can I really take responsibility for anything? I don't have control, I don't have choice or free will. I can set a soft intention to move in a particular direction (can't force movement), and I can't take responsibility for an outcome. Things just happen.
Whew!
love,
Leela

Look for PM re Sunday meetup

v

check for PM

v

Good Morning, Vince!
It was so lovely to meet you in zoom! Thank you so much!
I had made up a story that I was going to find out at the meeting that it was impossible: I can't awaken. I spent time with the fear, just touching it lovingly, before the meeting and calmed it all down. Good to see that it was a safe, loving space for exploration.
So, I suppose I should try the already awakened experiment again and see if all hell breaks loose?
love and appreciation,
Leela

How's that experiment going Leela?

vince

Hi, Vince!
Don't know what to say. Was pretty irritated at work when the computer set-up was all messed up again and again. I have been thinking that this is a plot by the universe to make me realize I have NO CONTROL over anything. Was thinking that last night, as i prepared for class, and sure enough--another unpleasant surprise awaited. I think I rolled with it better. I must give up any expectation of competence at this organization. It would be nice to give up all expectations in general.

An aside, on Sunday afternoon i attended a presentation by the wife of someone who shows up at groups I attend. She recently wrote a book with exercises. I liked her approach and think I will order the book. She asked us to think of a situation in which there is a regret (something done to us or something we did). I thought of feeling regret about being abandoned by my girlfriends while walking home from school, when bullies beat me up (they just walked away, like it was none of their business, and I walked home alone crying, with a bloody nose) in third grade. Then identify the value that we hold that makes this experience seem worse than another experience: my value was trust, we should be able to trust people we care about. Then identify a situation where this value might not always be right: people can't always be trusted, not even me, kids can't be trusted, they were protecting themselves. I was not happy with this outcome, as trust is an important value, and I expressed that to her. She asked me how my life would be different without that value and I said I would have no or fewer expectations and feel freer. I noted that I could also absolve myself of the need to be trusted to show up for meetings that I may not want to attend. Or take on tasks or serving on teams that I may not want to be on. This left me sort of bowled over. It has been peripherally hanging around in my thought-space. That I don't have to be 'trust-worthy' or expect it of others. Society tends to run well when we can all trust each other and cooperate, and the situation we find ourselves in with the right-wing extremists in this country demonstrates a lack of trust and caring about other humans. And perhaps it is not trading trust that makes us cooperative, but love. So, hovering in this space of questioning the value of trust.

Also questioning my motivations for doing things. There have been some strong shoulds in my community about attending protests lately. Two years ago, I was on it, attending all the protests and doing the 'right thing.' Now, questioning the value of showing up. Is it to be right? To be loved and appreciated for doing the right thing? To be an up-standing citizen? Will it ultimately make any difference at all? I have no control over anything. The 'good-girl' in me would be at the protests. I'm declining to be a 'good-girl.' It feels uncomfortable.

The last few days, I have left my earplugs in until I need to take them out - mid-morning. I need them to sleep at night. They don't really cut out much sound, but they make me more aware of the sound that is always present and has been my whole life, when it is quiet. I think of this sound as always being there in the background, like awareness, when the mind is distracted with whatever shiny object, entertaining thought, or drama is going on. It is here now. I'm trying to use awareness of the sound to remind me that the awareness is always here. Just pausing more and noticing it is here. (Mostly without the earplugs.) Here is the sound, here is the space of awaring.

I cannot express enough gratitude for your guidance and companionship, Vince.
Much love,
Leela

Good evening Leela,

Was pretty irritated at work when the computer set-up was all messed up again and again.

How long after you got sucked into that irritation did you realize that you had been triggered?

I must give up any expectation of competence at this organization. It would be nice to give up all expectations in general.

Yes. Competence implies control. At best we can behave AS IF we can predetermine outcomes. While it is likely that a necessary condition for that happening is the arising of intention, there are many times where other necessary conditions are not present.
Adding a condition of irritation or frustration makes it more likely that the desired outcome won't occur.

perhaps it is not trading trust that makes us cooperative, but love. So, hovering in this space of questioning the value of trust.

Hmm, trust is a really interesting one. If we analyse it, we see that it is a personal feeling about a story.
If we look in our experiencing there is no such thing. We have to think about a situation to come to a conclusion that trust exists. Not trusting, or being suspicious, on the other hand exists in our experiencing as a state of stress or fear. It's a contraction.
If I think about a story (of trust) about a story (a future happening) then I can have experiencing of a feeling of confidence. or ease. That same feeling can exist if I intend to accept whatever outcome happens. Here it isn't trust because the outcome is open. Does this mean that trust relies on a predictable, satisfactory outcome?

with love

vince

Hi, Vince!
I wrote a reply on Sunday, and did not send it. Then could not get the website to work yesterday. Now the original post seems old. So, will start over.
H

ow long after you got sucked into that irritation did you realize that you had been triggered?

I start getting triggered as soon as I can't solve the problem. Maybe a little before. I have anxiety about starting class late with students waiting. It feels awful. I arrive 15 min early to make sure things work and it is not too filthy (they do not clean the floors). I will not arrive a half hour early. So the feelings I want to avoid are: disappointing students (fear of not being loved?), then the tech people treat me like an idiot sometimes for not being able to figure out the problem (fear of being stupid?), I also have the expectation that things should work, and it is their job to see that stuff works (disappointment that my needs are being poorly met? I do get to teach the class, it is just frustrating when things do not work), frustration at their expectation that I should be able to fix computer issues at the last minute. Being triggered causes me to be mentally decompensated and less likely to be able to figure out what the problem is. I recognize that at the time. I also approach the front desk in a state of anxiety that causes the staff to be upset. I'm aware of it when it is happening. I can't stop it.

So, last night I sent the supervisor an email letting him know that 3 out of 4 days last week the computer did not work and I could not fix it, and it happened again yesterday. I'm requesting that the person who sets the computer up in the room turn it on and make sure my class shows up on the menu. (make sure it works before I arrive.) Tech skills are not a part of my education. I might have come off as terse. He might be offended. He might decide not to comply with my wishes. Oh, well... I'll deal with the consequences.

I'm aware that getting frustrated over all the screw-ups does not help. I have no control over the situation, or my emotional reaction to it. I'm training someone to take over 2 of the classes at that location, but she is not ready. I'm ready to let a couple of classes go, and want to give my student a chance to teach them, it would be a dream come true for her. I also do not want to let my students down.

I'm aware that by focusing on all the screw-ups I'm making them seem bigger and more out of control. Class usually goes really well. There is just the initial frustration, and I do carry some of it into class and do my best to drop it as I move, tune into the body, and cue sensations and movements. Pre-pandemic and zoom, I would just show up, sweep the floor, and teach class with ease. None of the tech problems and the anxiety that accompanies them. I'm not embracing what is.

Love,
Leela

Good evening Leela,

could not get the website to work yesterday.

Yes, it's been really shitty of late.

I start getting triggered as soon as I can't solve the problem.

Yes, but my question is how long before you recognize that you have been triggered?

I also have the expectation that things should work

Do you realize that you are telling yourself stories about these expectations?
If you do, how soon after they start do you recognize that it is happening?

I'm aware of it when it is happening. I can't stop it.

Ok, if you are aware of it and that doesn't change it, then you are discounting the value of the awareness. That is you are dismissing the awareness and relapsing into the stories instead of the story that the awareness is enough to interrupt it.

I might have come off as terse. He might be offended. He might decide not to comply with my wishes. Oh, well... I'll deal with the consequences.

Yes, it's possible that the stress that you were feeling led to you being less than skillful in negotiating a fix. We will have to wait and see the outcome of that.
Sometimes that terseness is a good way to get the required response. (often it's not)

I'm not embracing what is.

..and so missing the opportunities that is offered.
Of course that is all in the past now and new opportunities will arise.
There is an intention to attend both the zoom meetings this weekend. Maybe I'll see you there.
Third weekend of every month
Saturday 19th March 6 pm-8 pm British time,
Sunday, 20th March 10 am-12 am British time
You can join both days or one depending your time zone.
The meetings will be led by Liberation Unleashed guides.
No agenda, no promises or expectations, just being and sharing together.
Here is a link to join
Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/3718929853...
Meeting ID: 371 892 9853
Passcode: HmbSF4

with love

vince

Good morning, Vince!

Yes, but my question is how long before you recognize that you have been triggered?

I know I'm triggered when I'm irritable/anxious. At the time. I just can't do anything about it. (I did have a talk with the supervisor, related to my email, explaining how things not working at the last minute creates a lot of anxiety for me. He got it. He was very understanding.)

Do you realize that you are telling yourself stories about these expectations?
If you do, how soon after they start do you recognize that it is happening?

I have not noticed that I tell myself that I'm telling the story that things should work. I have not done that.

Ok, if you are aware of it and that doesn't change it, then you are discounting the value of the awareness. That is you are dismissing the awareness and relapsing into the stories instead of the story that the awareness is enough to interrupt it.

The sense of urgency of needing to start class on time seems to make "stopping" very difficult, but not impossible. "Something must be done NOW," does not facilitate peace. Some time and space would be helpful.
The supervisor did agree to having the set-up turned on and tuned to my class. If they can't get it up and running, then it can be fixed before I arrive. This should eliminate the most recent challenges. I do feel heard, and that helps calm the turmoil for me.
Most challenges in my life do not come with that sense of urgency. Urgency is generally a red-flag to slow down. Unfortunately, my class is time-bound. Excuses!
Yes, opportunities for suffering, here. Hopefully something else....
I will be out of town this weekend, so most likely won't make the Saturday morning meeting. (Not getting up for a 2am meeting on Sunday). Thank you so much for the reminder. I plan to be there next time.
Love,
Leela

Good morning Leela, (the website wasn't cooperating last night)

I know I'm triggered when I'm irritable/anxious. At the time. I just can't do anything about it. (I did have a talk with the supervisor,

Ok, doing something about it either happens or not. For us the focus is on the recognition that we have been triggered. The RECOGNITION that we have been triggered.
It's this recognition that changes the response. ..or to be more pedantic it's what happens when the recognition happens. This is why we want the intent to laugh to occur.
Even a fake laugh will do it. A smile will do it. The image of a smile will do it. ..but best of all is a rolf. A guffaw.
You can imagine how doing this will banish the irritability. It floods the body with feel good hormones which override the stress hormones. It frustrates the completion satisfaction of the old habit (of irritability)

I have not noticed that I tell myself that I'm telling the story that things should work. I have not done that.

It's even better to recognize what story is running, but not absolutely necessary. It is safe to assume that there are stories when any negative emotion arises, but seeing what the story is before laughing has a greater impact.

The sense of urgency of needing to start class on time seems to make "stopping" very difficult, but not impossible. "Something must be done NOW," does not facilitate peace.

Yes, this is the story along with the background stories of what might happen if it doesn't get fixed.
In actual fact, they might or might not occur. ..and things will be done to facilitate the best outcome even without the anxiety. Actually, without the narrowing of focus that the anxiety induces, better possibilities will probably occur.

most likely won't make the Saturday morning meeting. (Not getting up for a 2am meeting on Sunday).

Bummer. The Saturday one is 5am here, so no sleep in for me.

with love

vince

Good morning, Vince!

This is why we want the intent to laugh to occur.

I forgot all about the intent to laugh.
Well, after speaking with the supervisor and getting part of the set-up done before I arrive, another screw-up happened. One person could not figure out the problem, person #2 was working on it while I apologized for starting late, but I did not feel irritated or bad. Just talking to the zoom folks and the folks in the room. I need to learn some good jokes for when this happens, as it happens so often. I suppose I can lead an 'eye exercise' of using the eyes to look at 12:3:6:9: and reverse.
OK: intent to laugh when triggered. That would neutralize the stories.

Hubby is not feeling all that well, so if possible, I will come Saturday. Depends on how things are going where we will be.
love,
Leela

'morning Leela,

I will come Saturday. Depends on how things are going where we will be.

Missed you this morning.

OK: intent to laugh when triggered. That would neutralize the stories.

Excellent. ..but like any new behavior, it takes a bit of practice to condition it as an automatic response. ..and by the time that you do, it won't be needed (much) anymore.

I did not feel irritated or bad.

Great. It's happening. Being more relaxed, did you feel that it opened up more possibilities? (I guess that it did when the idea of jokes came to you)

with love

vince