Help Me Please!!

[Brenda]

So WHERE is the I, that is not in the story, but enjoying the story?

I look again for the "I", still no I to be found. When I am looking, I do not see myself in the story.

Here we are looking at what doesn't need any guesses.
So, again, what is the "self," here and now, without any assumption or imagination?

As I look I do not see anybody bothered. You are right, when I did not see anybody bothered, I tried again to answer intellectually. Thank you for pointing this out.

It’s impossible that you are nothing and everything simultaneously. This is just a story.

Since WHERE is the I that could be everything?
Everything is, but where is YOU?

When I look again for where the I is, I do not find the I. I see there are no boundaries as things are happening. Things just are.
I do not see "I" anywhere.

What you are missing is that you don’t question the BELIEF that there must be a looker.

What if there is no looker?

Ah, I like that. What if there is no looker? With that question, as I looked and couldn't find the looker, I saw the thought arise, and it was just that a thought.

What if there is looking happening, but there is nothing doing it?

I look and look for the looker, but none to be found, and I see the looking taking place. I see the idea of the looker is a thought and just that.

Is there a blower of wind?
Does wind need an entity that is blowing it to a certain direction?

No

Does rain need a rainer?
Is there a rainer somewhere hiding making the rain rain?

No

Please look at the trick of thoughts here.

The above sentence assumes that there are 2 entities there:

- the unfindable looker
- and the unfindable ‘I’ that is identifying with the unfindable looker
Can you see this?

This is correct that I am looking at it that way, and I continue to look to see it differently.
I absolutely see this and starting to see it more clearly, though I need to keep looking at this.

Why don’t you question the belief?
What if the belief that there must be a looker is false?

This is great advice. I look and look and as this belief comes up and is questioned, the belief (or thought) just disappears.
Yes, Who is believing the belief?

So turn around! Turn the attention around from the screen (watched) to the watcher! What is there?

If it’s there, it should be very plain and clear.
Watch the watcher! Is this possible?

As I look at the watched and turn around to see the watcher, there is nothing there!! There was a thought that there should be somebody but yet there is nobody.
I see this needs to be seen experimentally and when I need to understand both experimentally and intellectually that is just a thought, only a thought.

I cannot watch the watcher as there is no watcher!!

I will continue more looking at this tomorrow. I am seeing it differently today and need to continue to look.

Thank you!!

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

As I look at the watched and turn around to see the watcher, there is nothing there!! There was a thought that there should be somebody but yet there is nobody.
I see this needs to be seen experimentally and when I need to understand both experimentally and intellectually that is just a thought, only a thought.
I cannot watch the watcher as there is no watcher!!

Yes, exactly. Please continue to watch for the watcher.

Even when it’s clear that there is no watcher, still try to find it.
Do it again and again, until there is no doubt left at all.

Let me know how it goes.

This is great advice. I look and look and as this belief comes up and is questioned, the belief (or thought) just disappears.
Yes, Who is believing the belief?

Do the same with the supposed believer.
Turn around, and find the believer.

Is there an ACTUAL BELIEVER of beliefs?

Vivien

[Brenda]

Yes, exactly. Please continue to watch for the watcher.

Even when it’s clear that there is no watcher, still try to find it.
Do it again and again, until there is no doubt left at all.

Let me know how it goes.

I continue to look for the watcher, and see there is none. I need to continue to look and look as the doubt is lessoning.
I actually did not have as much time to look today as others, so I need to look more tomorrow.

Even when it’s clear that there is no watcher, still try to find it.
Do it again and again, until there is no doubt left at all.

Let me know how it goes.

When I look for the watcher, I see an expectation in thought that there should be somebody there. Now realizing this is just a thought, is allowing me to look again to see more clearly.
I will continue to look and look tomorrow.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

When I look for the watcher, I see an expectation in thought that there should be somebody there. Now realizing this is just a thought, is allowing me to look again to see more clearly.

This is something important. So you have/had a belief that there must be someone there.
But this is just a belief, which is proven to be untrue.
But nevertheless, it comes up again and again.

So watch out for this belief/thought coming up, and making claims that there SHOULD BE somebody there.
And SEE that this is nothing else than a conditioned thought (like a habit) playing itself out.

I continue to look for the watcher, and see there is none. I need to continue to look and look as the doubt is lessoning.
I actually did not have as much time to look today as others, so I need to look more tomorrow.

Yes, please continue looking as often as you can remember. You can even set an alarm on your phone for every hour, or 30 minutes to remind you to look. You are doing well.

Let me know how it goes.

Vivien

[Brenda]

Hello Vivian,
Thank you for the guidance. Your job must be very hard guiding others especially via writings like this.
I have come very far from where I started, and the frustration is no longer there. I did not understand at first, and couldn't understand what you were doing, and now it is very clear, and I thank you for it. What patience you have.

Anyway, I did a lot of looking today, and I am looking everywhere. When I listen to the thoughts, I see they are narrating my life. They are creating a story. I see there is no control, things are just happening.
So if I am not the “I” in the story, and I am looking, then who is looking at the story? I look for the watcher, and I do not see the watcher. The watcher is not there, yet I see what is happening. Can things happen without anybody doing anything? Rain happens, wind happens, sunsets happen, why do I think I have so much power to make things happen? I can’t find me, I can’t find the watcher, am “I” just like the rain, the wind, the sunset, the tree, etc? Am I just here as well just doing. I am not even here, there is just doing. I can see this when I remember and look at it. Things are just happening. I see I am not looking, not watching, not being, I am not here. I do not exist. I see this, it makes me laugh. I see that I am just part of the flow. Not me per se, but it just is. As I see this there is a feeling of relief, or freedom, of, I can’t explain it, a feeling of just being, like really no feeling at all. I am not sure how to write how it feels. It is a feeling, a change in the feeling around me. I clearly can see I am not watching, it is just happening. I can see the thoughts appearing, but I am not part of them. I see sensations come and go, but they also just come and go. I really don’t know how to write about this feeling. As I look , the room is very still. I cannot say I have not felt this before, but I would fill my mind with things so I wouldn’t feel this. It is such a feeling of peace, I am not seeing that in a thought but a feeling.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

When I listen to the thoughts, I see they are narrating my life. They are creating a story. I see there is no control, things are just happening.

Now please put the focus on the listener, to the one that is listening to thoughts.
WHAT is it that is listening to thoughts?
WHERE is this listener?

So if I am not the “I” in the story, and I am looking, then who is looking at the story? I look for the watcher, and I do not see the watcher. The watcher is not there, yet I see what is happening.

So you say that there is no watcher, yet YOU see what is happening.
WHAT and WHERE is this you that SEES what is happening?

Can things happen without anybody doing anything? Rain happens, wind happens, sunsets happen, why do I think I have so much power to make things happen?

Don’t ask me :) Look for yourself :)

So, can it be that things happen without ANYBODY DOING anything?

I can’t find me, I can’t find the watcher, am “I” just like the rain, the wind, the sunset, the tree, etc?

Please look at the trick of thoughts here.

So there is a seeing that the me/watcher cannot be found, and then thoughts make a conclusion that I AM like a rain or the wind. How could that be that ‘I am like the rain’ if the I cannot be found?

Is there invisible I/entity somewhere hiding and making things happen?

How do you know that the I/ME is like the wind?
How do you know that there is an I/ME AT ALL?

Which is the truer statement?
- the I, the watcher cannot be found
or
- the I/watcher doesn’t exist. It’s just a fiction, a fantasy.

Vivien

[Brenda]

Hi Vivian,

Now please put the focus on the listener, to the one that is listening to thoughts.
WHAT is it that is listening to thoughts?

I do not see anybody listening to thoughts though thoughts can be looked at. Thoughts continue to arise though nobody specifically is listening or looking at them. They are just happening.

WHERE is this listener?

There is no listener, only listening.

So you say that there is no watcher, yet YOU see what is happening.
WHAT and WHERE is this you that SEES what is happening?

I do not see the "I" watching yet watching is taking place.

Don’t ask me :) Look for yourself :)

So, can it be that things happen without ANYBODY DOING anything?

Yesterday's write up was really me just writing to my self. I didn't mean to ask you those questions. By me asking these questions to myself challenge my beliefs and help me to see things differently.
I realize now that this was not clear.

So there is a seeing that the me/watcher cannot be found, and then thoughts make a conclusion that I AM like a rain or the wind. How could that be that ‘I am like the rain’ if the I cannot be found?

This is a good point. I was intellectually breaking down my belief of how things can be done with out anybody doing them and realizing I had a belief that i held all this power to make things happen, and i now see that is not true, it is just another thought story, and it makes me laugh that we believe in such power.
Breaking down this belief has allowed me to see that there is no watcher, no looker, only looking is happening.

Is there invisible I/entity somewhere hiding and making things happen?

As i look again, there is no entity anywhere making things happen, things are just happening.

How do you know that the I/ME is like the wind?
How do you know that there is an I/ME AT ALL?

I look again for the I/ME but do not see any. I see that there is nothing there, no power over anything, no control, no me.
I do not know there is a I/ME as i do not see this anywhere. I continue to look again, but it cannot be found.

Which is the truer statement?
- the I, the watcher cannot be found
or
- the I/watcher doesn’t exist. It’s just a fiction, a fantasy.

I like this change on the words. By saying the watcher cannot be found, implies there still is a watcher.
As i look again, I see the watcher, the "I", the "me" does not exist. I do not see it anywhere, therefore it must not exist.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

I look again for the I/ME but do not see any. I see that there is nothing there, no power over anything, no control, no me.
I do not know there is a I/ME as i do not see this anywhere. I continue to look again, but it cannot be found.

It’s crucial to see that there is no self anywhere. So please continue to look.
Is there a me/I AT ALL?

I like this change on the words. By saying the watcher cannot be found, implies there still is a watcher.
As i look again, I see the watcher, the "I", the "me" does not exist. I do not see it anywhere, therefore it must not exist.

Let’s look at this differently.

The I/me cannot be found. And since it cannot be found, it can ONLY be THOUGHT OF.
So there is no me/I because it has just ALWAYS been IMAGINED (in thoughts).
So the self/me cannot be found, since it has ALWAYS BEEN just an IMAGINATION / FANTASY.

Do the above sentences feel true on an experiential level?

Vivien

[Brenda]

Is there a me/I AT ALL?

I continue to look and look and understand that I need to continue to look, so thank you for the continual reminder.
As I look today, and see that I don't exist there are thoughts of anger that arise. The thoughts are saying how angry I should be that I have lied to myself all these years. I see this feeling is just a thought, and then it disappears. I continue to look for "me" and I see the "me" exists in my thoughts, and only in my thoughts. So again, the thought disappears.
Up until now, I have looked for "me" everywhere else, but not inside my thoughts, where I see that is where "I" lives, within a thought. I see that thoughts are imaginary and unreal, and as I see this they disappear.

The I/me cannot be found. And since it cannot be found, it can ONLY be THOUGHT OF.
So there is no me/I because it has just ALWAYS been IMAGINED (in thoughts).
So the self/me cannot be found, since it has ALWAYS BEEN just an IMAGINATION / FANTASY.

Do the above sentences feel true on an experiential level?

Actually this perception makes things a little clearer. When I look, I see the "I" has just been a fantasy all this time.

As I have been looking today, I notice thoughts holding on to the "I" arising again. I see these are just beliefs inside a thought and I see the thought is not real so it disappears, but other thoughts of frustration and anger continue to arise.
I see these thoughts are unreal, they are fantasy, ego holding on to what is left, but I know this is all unreal, just more thoughts.

I will continue to look and look. Sometimes it is so clear that there is no "I" and other times it is like I am starting this process over.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

You did a nice looking :)

As I have been looking today, I notice thoughts holding on to the "I" arising again.

Look carefully. Is there any sort of entity or agency that is holding onto the ‘I’ arising?

but other thoughts of frustration and anger continue to arise

Even when there's frustration, is there a person/me being frustrated?
And when anger is happening, is there ANYthing that this emotion and sensations are belonging TO?
Or anger and frustration just free floating without being attached or hooked to anything?

ego holding on to what is left,

Now, could you observe what you call ‘ego’ here and now?
What is ego in this very moment?

Can the ego be observed while it’s holding onto what is left?
What is it, right here, now?

Vivien

[Brenda]

Is there any sort of entity or agency that is holding onto the ‘I’ arising?

Sometimes there feels as if there is, I look and cannot find this entity anywhere, except in my thoughts. As I look, I see this doesn't exist in direct experience, only in thought
I notice that I am starting to "pay attention" to the thoughts. As I do, I also see that they are not real and they disappear.
I see that thoughts are constantly telling me that "I" doesn't exist, but that is not direct experience. I see that more resistance has come up about the "I". I see that the resistance is a thought, and it disappears, and this takes me from direct experience.
There is more looking at direct experience needed.

Even when there's frustration, is there a person/me being frustrated?

I do not see a person frustrated, I see this emotion inside a thought. The emotion also creates a sensation.
Intellectually, I feel I took a step back. I thought this was clear, and not it is muddied I will continue to look.

And when anger is happening, is there ANYthing that this emotion and sensations are belonging TO?

As I look, I do not see anything that these emotions belong to, there are just part of the thought. I feel the sensation and then a thought appears.
As I am looking at anger, the sensations of the emotion intensified, and I just looked and looked. Thoughts appeared one after another labelling this sensation. I just watched, and the thoughts and the sensation disappeared. A feeling of peace appeared, and the thoughts stopped appearing.

Or anger and frustration just free floating without being attached or hooked to anything?

This is an interesting question, sometimes as I look at this anger and frustration, I see it appeared in a thought, other times, I feel the sensation of anger, and then the thought appears. When the sensation of an emotion appears, if "I" don't look at the thought, the sensation disappears.
I see the emotion comes with a thought. The emotion can come from direct experience. For example, somebody says something you don't like, the feeling arises in the body, and then the thoughts arises labelling the feeling.

Now, could you observe what you call ‘ego’ here and now?
What is ego in this very moment?

Haha. as I look for "ego" I see it is another word for the "I". I look for this "ego" this "I" and it does not exist. I find it in the thought and I see the thought is unreal, a fantasy, a story. I look and see the "Ego" is just another thought story that appears, but just that a story, a fantasy. The ego does not exist just as the "I" does not exist. I see the "I" is no where.

Can the ego be observed while it’s holding onto what is left?
What is it, right here, now?

I look and see the ego only in a thought. The ego cannot be observed because the ego does not exist.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

I see that thoughts are constantly telling me that "I" doesn't exist, but that is not direct experience.

All right. So it SEEMS that thoughts are talking to you and telling that the ‘I’ doesn’t exist.

So now, please turn your attention away from these thoughts, and turn around in 180 degree.
Turn around and find the one that thoughts are talking to.

This turning around is similar to doing a selfie on your phone. When you turn on the camera, the camera is focused on the object in front of you. So the focus is away from you. But then you press a button, and the camera makes a 180 degree turn, and now it’s facing you, so you can take a selfie.

So there are the thoughts that are telling that “I don’t exist”.
Now make a 180 degree turn, and have a look what thoughts are talking TO.
What do you find there?

I do not see a person frustrated, I see this emotion inside a thought. The emotion also creates a sensation.
Intellectually, I feel I took a step back. I thought this was clear, and not it is muddied I will continue to look.

All right. Do the same 180 degree turn with this one too.

So frustration comes in a form of thoughts and sensations. Now stop, and turn the focus around to what these thoughts and sensations are happening TO. What do you find there?

Sometimes there feels as if there is, I look and cannot find this entity anywhere, except in my thoughts. As I look, I see this doesn't exist in direct experience, only in thought
I notice that I am starting to "pay attention" to the thoughts.

“I notice that I am starting to "pay attention" to the thoughts.” – now turn the focus around to the one that is paying attention to thoughts. What is it?

Vivien

[Brenda]

Now make a 180 degree turn, and have a look what thoughts are talking TO.
What do you find there?

I see that thoughts are not talking to anybody, they just tell a story.

So frustration comes in a form of thoughts and sensations. Now stop, and turn the focus around to what these thoughts and sensations are happening TO. What do you find there?

Same thing here. I see the thoughts are just talking about the frustration. It is not happening to anybody or anything.

“I notice that I am starting to "pay attention" to the thoughts.” – now turn the focus around to the one that is paying attention to thoughts. What is it?

I look for what it is that's "paying attention" and see nothing there.


I had a great day of looking today. I looked for 2 hours non stop, and have to laugh when I see that there is really nobody there.
I just watched everything that happened and was happening. I saw that I did things differently today. For example to get to work, i just watched and saw I didn't go the same way.
I watched my body do things I was not controlling and I just experienced what was happening at the moment.
I saw there was no future or past, there was only the now that I was experiencing.
I looked and really saw that there was no "I". It is just not there. I watched myself walk to work and just experienced what was.

My one concern with this was: At one point I was starting to cross the street. I looked at the light and saw that it was red. A thought arose saying it didn't know what the color meant, and as I watched I started to walk across the street. I saw myself get half way across when I heard a horn, looked up and saw a bus coming right at me. I felt fear and then had the thought to get out of the street, which I did.
I watched this happen. I was looking and saw I had no control, and no understanding of what the red light meant.
As I look at this memory, I had the thought "what does that red light mean?" "what color means go" and then I just started walking. I don't remember a thought that said go or not go.
When I heard the horn, I didn't have a thought, I immediately looked up and got out of the street. As I was getting out of the street, a thought arose saying you could have died, and I saw am image of being hit by the bus, but continued to walk without any more emotion than the initial fear when I saw the bus.

I continued in the experience until I got to work and people started talking to me, then forgot to "look", until later in the day until I was again alone.

I see that there is no "I" anywhere, no mind, no memories, they cannot be found.
I look and look and see that there is no "I", no watcher.
I saw the watching with no watcher. I saw things were happening with nobody making it happen, things were just happening.

[Vivien]

Hi Brenda,

At one point I was starting to cross the street. I looked at the light and saw that it was red. A thought arose saying it didn't know what the color meant, and as I watched I started to walk across the street.

After seeing through the illusion of the self, for some, there is an adjustment period. So please be careful while this lasts.

I see that there is no "I" anywhere, no mind, no memories, they cannot be found.
I look and look and see that there is no "I", no watcher.
I saw the watching with no watcher. I saw things were happening with nobody making it happen, things were just happening.

Beautiful :)

Is there any doubt? Or can you say with a big fat YES that it’s clear the I, as a separate self is an illusion?

Vivien

[Brenda]

Hi Vivian,

Is there any doubt? Or can you say with a big fat YES that it’s clear the I, as a separate self is an illusion?

I look and look and see this. It is very obvious, but when I am not looking, I do not see it.
I am looking more with out intention though.
I know this must be an expectation but I thought once I saw, it would only be that way.
For example, once I knew about Santa, I never questioned it again.
I see that I does not exist, I see very clearly, but then questions still arise.

I find I forget to keep looking during conversations.
I also see when I am looking and clearly see that I does not exist, I do not see thoughts arise. Just see direct experience.

I need to keep looking and looking.