If you are ready, come in..

[MerlinC]

my sence of self would like to think its the command center but I have no control over body nor mind or life in general. I get the sence my beliefs about me are only floating in my minds eye but theys ideas are scattered and some get along and others are conflicted always trying to grab my attention so Im always in a state of ups and downs emotionally never really at rest with myself. when I look for a me I dont find anything but the beliefs about me but the tricky thing is how am I aware of myself thinking? that concludes that I am not thought but something is aware in me but its without thought. my minds scrambling to label it but it has no suchness or image so it cant be measured.

[Ilona]

nice, good work.

how am I aware of myself thinking

take a look at this close up. is it you thinking? is it you aware? is there a you in this sentence that is more than a thought?

getting there nicely. :))

[MerlinC]

its an awareness thats well covered by thought noise and a me that believes in its beliefs but when I ask the question to myself the volume turns down on my thoughts long enoufe for me to be just aware that Im aware but then the me comes back.

[Ilona]

ok, so what happens when this me comes back? is it not part of what is? is it wrong in any way? should it be different?

[MerlinC]

it has its place I suppose socially and its always been just Im not at peace with it. problem is taking it so serious that I fear of losing it at times just like life Im always taking steps to perserve life it feels like I have to be the driver in life or everything is going to crash. but it often does anyways.

[Ilona]

the funny thing is you are not a driver.
because there is no you. at all. the urge to drive and control comes from a belief, that there is a you that can control. take a good look and tell me, can you control anything? if so, what? what is not on automatic? even your desire to control and drive..

are you a manager, controller, director of life?

[MerlinC]

their is no control no matter how much you dice it. so then bags the question how am I to help myself to awake if the I believes in its control and in its own self? but the sence off self is a belief that also beliefs there is nothing after the I unless its death. so naturly its going to defend its self with more justifing beliefs of its exsistance.

[Ilona]

how am I to help myself to awake if the I believes in its control and in its own self?

Look at this question and tell me the answer.

Can I wake up?
Is there an I that believes anything?

Look righ here.

[MerlinC]

There is nobody but a me and some beliefs. one of them being Im apart and in control of life. ther is an inside and an outside and its me striving for life in life. For me awakining is the I sees the truth, not some trancended being being trancendent. so can I wake up? no because aparently my sence of self is illusion so thats where I get lost and even suspicious that this whole enlightenment thing is true or not because if were already this free being then why hasn't more people claim that they found it withen themselves. it becomes something of a dream to me thats to good to be true. Its actualy insanity for me to keep looking into myself to expect an ah ha I got to see oneness. yet I come back to reading books, searching it up, meditate all for more questions then answers. Its absolute madness which makes me insane because I believe in something that has no proof of egsistance. When I look for the core of me I find everything that I been through; my thoughts, memorys, feelings, hopes and fears and this monkey on my back called enlightenment.

[Ilona]

There is no enlightement. As there is no one to get enlightened.
All there is is this...
Feelings, thoughts, sensations, perception.

That's all. Here, now, this.

All the search goes on in a head, because there is confusion there. Some beliefs say one thing, others something opposite.
It's a matter of clearing the beliefs. One by one. The core of all beliefs is that there is a me, I, self that is in control of life and has to try to survive.
Life goes on and there is no need to try to survive, it's not so easy to die. Stop trying and see- nothing changes. You try or not- surviving is irrelevant. You are alive until the end when body runs its course.

Sense of self is not illusion. It is real. Only it is not sense of 'self'. It's sense of being ( verb) amness, aliveness, awareness. It is not I. I is a thought, a label, not an entity.
Close your eyes and find that which is always here. Is it personal? Has it got a beginning or the end? Is there a line between here and there? Is that sensations there with and without labels? Does labelling it self make self real?

Investigate and dig deeper.
Ask for the truth. Call for it. Keep your eyes open and see what is already obvious.

[MerlinC]

whats obvious is their is only the now and a present awareness that is and always have been but thinking mind covered it up alot sence I was a kid. what ever I do to put it into a label I get a gut feeling of sepretness. it feels like expresion that is what it is without fail. whole apart from minds chatter about it. I keep getting a vision of green and a sence of giddyness but that to could be just mind playing tricks.

[Ilona]

Yes, ythere is always present moment awareness and cloud cover of thoughts. But present moment includes thoughts. It's part of it.

Now lOok at the mind as a labelling machine- it labels everything that is experienced through the senses. It's it's job. That's what mind does. Narrates the story of what is going on in the present moment. Watch how it happens as it happens. Look slowly around the room, how long can mind be stil? If your eyes stop on objects, mind names them, plus brings memories about the object and talks about that.
Sound is heard- mind labels that.
Smell is felt- mind labels that.

Play with it through the day and tell me what you learned from this noticing exercise.

Sending love.

[MerlinC]

I learned that the mind doesnt stop labeling things and all the labels are held beliefs on info that maybe right or wrong but assumed to be true anyways because these held ideas are so commen and quick to go if not checked into they pass by without awareness being brought to them. And so I find myself being emosional about somethings without a real reason why its happening. I know beliefs are the reason for sepret view but Are all beliefs even ones that make you feel good are to be discarded to?

[Ilona]

Not discarded, denied or ignored, but examined with curiocity for the love of truth.
Suffering rises as thoughts about what should be different come up. These thoughts come as result of deep rooted beliefs. Some of them are from childhood.
All that has been accepted without proof is belief. And once you really look deeply, you can find them beliefs. Ask if it's true. Only what is true survives this fire of questioning. What is no true- is exposed and falls away. It may take some effort.

So next time you feel bad about something, just follow the resistance and find that one belief that is screaming - no! This should not be happening!! Ask if it's true. Ask if the opposite is true, see what happens. This is where honesty is most important. Total honesty with yourself.

It does not matter if belief is making you feel good or bad. Belief is belief, and truth is truth, they are exclusive.

Let's say you like to sing and friends flatter you how well you sing. It makes you feel so good. You go on x factor and get told that you are the worst singer ever. What does that belief is worth now? you don't need to believe in order to feel at peace with what is.

What is your experience about beliefs?

[MerlinC]

I am confused because I learned I needed my believes to help me through in achiving my dreams but believing in believes are the reasons why we suffer. I couldnt be more lost.