The Gate

Dear Nina,

Some uncomfortable sensations came up this evening. This triggered a longing to see through the self story so that I no longer need to grasp and endlessly shake away at such uncomfortable sensations. So much easier to allow them to pass away.

Iain feels like a thought that I can push around in the space of my mind, indistinct yet so familiar. That idea of object and movement is itself only a thought though.

Although they feel mixed, in truth there is simply no Iain, separate and experiencing or controlling life. At the moment it feels as though there is an Iain standing alongside life, and to which life is happening. In truth there is only life, and this Iain that seems to stand alongside observing life, with his shape, sounds, smells, thoughts and sensations is simply composed of thought.

There never was an Iain, there was only ever life happening. That life that is flowing through me is probably pretty much the same life-ing that everyone has. Different looking bodies and different sounding names have broken chunks of this life off, and taken ownership.

It's tempting to feel like I've not made much progress towards seeing but there have been moments of lightness and peace, such as when I glimpse at the honesty of life versus the constructed, fakery nature of self. I feel the opportunity in this sensation of speciousness, where before the sensation of Iain joined all the dots and was more impenetrable.

Love, Iain

Dear Nina,

I used to think that my thoughts were intrinsically mine and that they were a defining characteristic of me. I love that lightbulb moment feeling when contemplating that they’re not my thoughts at all. Thoughts they may be, but they don’t belong to me…they don’t belong to anyone.

Initially there was an assumption that of course they’re my thoughts. Now I get to experience thoughts, and simultaneously have that lightbulb experience that there’s something unusual and alien happening with my thinking.

Thoughts are occurring, but there was something fundamentally amiss before which has now been questioned. Before the experience of thoughts ran alongside an assumption that there was a thinker and that thinker was me and I was real.

Now thoughts occur and I am able to feel that alien-ness or unusualness, and see them as thoughts, but not Iain’s thoughts, or thoughts occurring for an Iain.

Now Iain feels a bit like an artificial construction. I can imagine the flow and energy of life, but Iain feels a little like a made up character not required for life to keep flowing, and set aside from it. He’s a little like the plastic light up Santa my mother placed on the window ledge at home. He has a shape and appearance that symbolises a character, but he’s entirely artificial and there to symbolise an idea.

Just as plastic light up Santa is a totem for a cultural concept, Iain has a vaguely thought out shape and colour and is a thought about an enduring person.

These two thoughts: the alien-ness thought I have felt when thinking, and Iain as a made up character set aside from life, help me peer a little more into that space that suggest all may not be as assumed.

Love, Iain

Dear Nina,

Consider how things happen minute by minute. There may be a commentary going on in thought, but how do things happen?

Life is going to happen whether I like it or not. I have no idea what is going to happen. If I can't predict events then how can I be in control of them?

There's an urge to personalise things that are happening: I need to participate in this event, if this happens I will be disadvantaged...I need to act to keep things going. This is just part of the thought commentary running alongside events as they unfold. If I remove the I the experiences still happen, different outcomes unfold, life keeps happening.

Sleeping, waking, washing, moving, working, talking all still happen. I've chosen to personalise these events with the addition of an I. Without the I description everything happens just as it would anyway.

Love, Iain

Hi Iain,

I have really enjoyed our conversation and hoped to return to it after Christmas but suddenly life has become very busy unexpectedly.

Please talk to Kay! She will guide you with a very firm hand and if you follow what she says - rather than the thoughts that show up - you will arrive at the gate.

Lots of love to you

Nina
Xxxx

Hi Iain,

Okay, let's get this party started as they say! :)

This exploration is based on questions and exercises. I ask questions as a means of pointing, but the questions aren’t about finding something unknown. The questions refer to what is already actually known. And what is already known? Sound, smell, taste, thought, sensation and colour. So, questions are not answered through thinking/thoughts (theories) but by LOOKING. The key is that you really have to LOOK. Why? Because it’s the act of actually LOOKING and not finding an “I” that brings about the realisation of there being no separate self.

What is LOOKING? ‘LOOKING’ is just plain looking at what is here right now. It is moving from the conceptual to actual experience (AE). The term “Actual Experience” (AE) is used to refer to experience ‘right now,’ without the thought stories. So, actual experience (AE) is image/colour, sound, smell, sensation, taste and the simple knowing of thought, at face value. What thought says ie, the content of thought is NOT experience. This is evidenced by the fact that you cannot taste the word 'sweet'. So, when looking at actual experience (AE), you are looking at raw experience WITHOUT what thought says ABOUT the raw experience.

To begin with, I would just like to know what your expectations are from having this exploration. So, in your own words (not from actual experience, but just honest answers about what expectations you have) could you please answer the 5 following questions:

How will life change?
How will you change?
What will be different?
What is missing?
What would you like to achieve or obtain by this conversation?

Throughout this exploration I would like you to answer all questions that I have in blue text, and to answer them individually as well please...and remember to use the quote function to highlight the question being answered.

Love, Kay

Dear Kay,

How exciting to get to work with you, and how kind of you to devote so much time and effort to guiding. I rejoice in your work, and the graceful dedication of Ilona and Elena.

How will life change?

Freedom. A lot of life will remain the same: there will be experiences, sensations pleasant and unpleasant, thoughts, actions, work, play, ageing and death. But the false deep belief that life is happening to a person who is the thinker, has control, and ownership of experience will have exploded. Some of life will remain the same, and some will be changed forever. I believe there will be a lot more truth and freedom.

How will you change?

I will no longer have the rock solid unquestioning belief in I, Iain, me, mine, that currently sits at the centre of my being. I will see without a fragment of doubt that Iain has never existed in the way that is so consuming and enveloping now. I will see thought as what it is. I will know Iain only ever existed as a thought. This will be a reversal, a turnaround, of the story that has unfolded up until now.

What will be different?

A lot will look the same. A lot will feel the same. But that central core belief of Iain as the thinker, controller and owner will have left the stage. Until I see I will believe events to be happening to a person, to an ever present I. Sensations of fear, longing, loss, distress and confusion currently arise to be obsessively picked over, regurgitated and fueled by the I possessor, by me. While sensations will still arise, they will pass without becoming trapped in a personalised story. Being will become a freedom, not a story.

What is missing?

I feel a ripple of terror at the thought of I being taken away. But that's nonsense. What was never there cannot be taken away. I don't think anything will be missing. I am currently missing the expansive knowing that I never existed. With seeing I will be launched into truth. Such truth is the opposite of missing, doubt, dissatisfaction and incompleteness.

What would you like to achieve or obtain by this conversation?

In honesty, I want a quick method to feel good about myself and no longer feel fear, disappointment, loss, anger, inadequacy and unfulfillment. However, I know that is absolutely not what is on offer here. I want to be guided through the gate. I can't imagine what this will be like. I want to surrender to truth.

I must emphasise that this is only what I believe will take place. I currently believe that I am real, that I exist. If there is any sense in these answers this is only through being guided and reading Ilona's books and listening to the LU media.

Thank you,

Love, Iain

Hey Iain,

How exciting to get to work with you, and how kind of you to devote so much time and effort to guiding. I rejoice in your work, and the graceful dedication of Ilona and Elena.

Thank you Iain :) Perhaps one day soon you can pay it forward and be a guide yourself!

How will life change?

Freedom. A lot of life will remain the same: there will be experiences, sensations pleasant and unpleasant, thoughts, actions, work, play, ageing and death. But the false deep belief that life is happening to a person who is the thinker, has control, and ownership of experience will have exploded. Some of life will remain the same, and some will be changed forever. I believe there will be a lot more truth and freedom.

Aren’t you already free? You are the freedom to show up as everything that is seemingly experienced, including the idea that you are a person. There has never been a separate you and yet the idea of being a person has always been, yes? There was no you yesterday, there is no you now who is reading this and there will be no you tomorrow, and yet the idea of being a person still arises. Just like Santa keeps appearing at Christmas. He certainly didn’t disappear when it was seen that he was just a make believe character.

How will you change?

I will no longer have the rock solid unquestioning belief in I, Iain, me, mine, that currently sits at the centre of my being. I will see without a fragment of doubt that Iain has never existed in the way that is so consuming and enveloping now. I will see thought as what it is. I will know Iain only ever existed as a thought. This will be a reversal, a turnaround, of the story that has unfolded up until now.

Realising ‘no self’ is just the beginning and not an ending. Doubt and confusion will still persist as the realisation needs to deepen. Beliefs and patterns that are rooted in the idea of being a “me” will still need clearing as not everything gets rewritten in one big hit, The core belief of being a “me” is seen through, however, like a rug that is beginning to unravel, there are still many knots that need undoing. But if you know that the ‘conditioning’ is not something that you own then it is easier to clear. What is seen cannot be unseen, however flip flopping (yo-yoing) does occur from some time after ‘seeing’ due to doubts and confusion that still arise, however continuing to LOOK after the realisation is very much the key.

What will be different?

A lot will look the same. A lot will feel the same. But that central core belief of Iain as the thinker, controller and owner will have left the stage. Until I see I will believe events to be happening to a person, to an ever present I. Sensations of fear, longing, loss, distress and confusion currently arise to be obsessively picked over, regurgitated and fueled by the I possessor, by me. While sensations will still arise, they will pass without becoming trapped in a personalised story. Being will become a freedom, not a story.

As I wrote above, it takes time for the realisation to become a knowing. So if there is an expectation that this will happen overnight, then it is this expectation that will/is hindering you from realising that you may have already had the realisation. Expectations, which are attachments to specific outcomes, of what it should feel like or how you want it to feel when the realisation happens, are a hindrance because unless what is wanted appears then no amount of realisations are going to set you free unless it fits your expectations.

What is missing?

I feel a ripple of terror at the thought of I being taken away. But that's nonsense. What was never there cannot be taken away. I don't think anything will be missing. I am currently missing the expansive knowing that I never existed. With seeing I will be launched into truth. Such truth is the opposite of missing, doubt, dissatisfaction and incompleteness.

Dismissing the terror doesn’t work. If I asked you to swim in a crocodile infested river, would you so easily dismiss the terror? The fear of being annihilated may be nonsense, however it is appearing so it needs to be addressed. When fear, resistance. frustration etc appear during our exploration, please let me know so we can look at it together.

What would you like to achieve or obtain by this conversation?

In honesty, I want a quick method to feel good about myself and no longer feel fear, disappointment, loss, anger, inadequacy and unfulfillment. However, I know that is absolutely not what is on offer here. I want to be guided through the gate. I can't imagine what this will be like. I want to surrender to truth.

Aah yes, the magic wand and the fairy Godmother – wouldn’t that be nice! The desire to escape unpleasant thoughts and feelings. LOOKING is not the same as seeking. Seeking is always towards something that is not present, or trying to get away from something that is present. Looking is investigating what is present; it's for no reason other than itself. It's done for its own sake. If you're expecting something from LOOKING, then you're not LOOKING, you're seeking for what you expect LOOKING will give you

I must emphasise that this is only what I believe will take place. I currently believe that I am real, that I exist. If there is any sense in these answers this is only through being guided and reading Ilona's books and listening to the LU media.

Hmmm…of course you are real and you do exist! If you weren’t real and didn’t exist, then you wouldn’t be aware of this sentence! The only thing that isn’t real is the idea that you are an autonomous separate entity that is independent from everything else and to whom life is happening to!

Love, Kay

Dear Kay,

I love your clear unflinching knowing that looking can be the only way forward. How refreshing to surrender to the truth beyond the limitations of expectation.

Aren’t you already free?

Absolutely, freedom is a defining characteristic of life. My experiences could go anywhere. However, for as long as I experience a story of self mixed with a conviction that it is true, I'm wearing the shackles of living in a fantasy, believing in a dream. Knowing Santa isn't real makes him a fun and playful character to have around. When I see the truth of Iain, he will be a lot lighter, fun, more playful, and inviting. A friend I know who keeps popping up, as opposed to a prison like story. That's where the freedom lies.

There has never been a separate you and yet the idea of being a person has always been, yes?

Yes. I'm told that when I was very young I was in a flood of direct experience and sensation, without a trace of need for an autonomous separate self. Then later the story of I crystallised and has continued unabated since.

if there is an expectation that this will happen overnight, then it is this expectation that will/is hindering you from realising that you may have already had the realisation.

I've no idea how long this realisation will take. I do believe though there will come a point when seeing happens, and then cannot go back or be unseen. This could be accompanied with a rush of excitement and light, or it may be unsettling and scary. It could happen today, or I could spend the rest of my life looking and not see. Who knows? If it's already there beneath the surface, then it's doing a good job of hiding. May whatever comes be far outwith the limited thoughts I currently have, however if it's actually something very simple and familiar, then great, so be it! As long as it's the truth then I'm going in the right direction, and then that rug can just keep unraveling. A journey without end rather than an end to the journey.

I am here to experience truth in all its stark, bare, bright, scary, uncompromising realness. It's hard to drop all expectation and hope, but I continue to sweep more away each day. Otherwise there will just be an endless circling of expectation around, rather than directly looking towards, the truth of the situation.

When fear, resistance. frustration etc appear during our exploration, please let me know so we can look at it together.

This terror is big! Sometimes it manifests grossly, at other times, just when I feel my awareness expanding with expansive seeing, it sweeps in there with distracting thoughts and the moment of looking towards the truth of self is gone. Almost as if a physical force rotates my awareness away from where I had been looking. There is a spectrum that reaches from the terror of the loss of self, to the laziness of simply settling for the comfortable status quo of ignorance. It is an ever present trap.

At times of fear I can be gentle with myself. I tell myself that the truth of no self will eventually be embraced and dived into as how it was all along. My fears around looking and knowing sometimes need to be met with care, gentleness and persistence. At other times they need a good shake up so that I can make some progress, especially when they whisper to me that there is no need to look and that I should just stumble onwards in my story.

If you weren’t real and didn’t exist, then you wouldn’t be aware of this sentence!

Absolutely. This body will remain (until it dies), and there will be an experiencer, a life filled with sensations, actions and thoughts. That existence and realness isn't going anywhere.

The problem I have, is that in addition to life, I am filled up with the story of an autonomous separate self. That may be the only thing that is going away, but it's a biggie and until it does, I'm experiencing life through a window coated in dust and muck, through which only the occasional glimpses of light rays can be emerge.

Thanks!

Love, Iain

Hey Iain,

Thank you for your indepth responses. So, let’s look at this idea of being in terror before we do anything else.

This terror is big! Sometimes it manifests grossly, at other times, just when I feel my awareness expanding with expansive seeing, it sweeps in there with distracting thoughts and the moment of looking towards the truth of self is gone.

What does this expansive seeing look like, and what is its purpose?

It is not a necessary part of realising there is no self. Expansive seeing is just an experience that appears and then goes and really has no relevance to ‘waking’ up. The truth of Self already IS and there is no special place, practice etc to ‘get there….that is seeking…not LOOKING.

Are you not ‘aware’ of sound, colour, smell, sensation, taste, sound and the face value of thought.…that is how simple it is…no need to become expansive or have expansive seeing or go anywhere or do anything special for them to be known. What you are aware of in every current moment is what IS ie is actual/direct experience.

Let’s have a LOOK at ‘fear’. I want you to ask the questions of yourself as you are LOOKING.

1. Close the eyes and see the word ‘fear’ in the mind’s eye and ask yourself if the label/word ‘fear’ knows anything about fear. And just be firm with the mind and stay with the word ‘fear’, no matter what other words the mind brings up…and just focus on the word ‘fear’. See the word ‘f e a r’ in your mind’s eye, across the forehead and ask yourself if that word knows anything about fear or are they just letters?

2. With eyes still closed, go to the sensation (wherever it is mainly located in the body) and ask yourself if the sensation itself knows anything about fear? Can a sensation actually know anything about fear?

Have a look within the sensation and behind the sensation to see if you can locate anyone/anything that is in fear or that is creating the fear.

3. As your eyes are closed…a mental image/outline or an idea of a ‘me’ may appear, I want you to ask yourself if that image/outline/idea can know anything about fear?

And have a look around carefully everywher, still with your eyes closed…and have a look if you can find anything that can be in fear.

Then sit there with the sensation. Just notice the sensation and notice all thoughts and images that come up…but don’t follow the thoughts and images…just be with the sensation. Just notice your breathing and breathe normally. And if the sensation intensifies (check your breathing) and do the process all over again...until the sensation begins to subside or dissipates. If it doesn’t dissipate totally, that is okay…you can get up and do stuff but just be aware of the sensation but don’t do anything with it….just notice it and love it. And how do you love it…by letting it be. And if you stop noticing it...that is okay too!

Let me know how you go with looking at 'fear'.

Love, Kay

Dear Kay,

What does this expansive seeing look like, and what is its purpose?

Good call. The seeker in me would love to invent new terms, turn Looking into a story about an altered state of consciousness that can somehow be achieved, or seek other ways to 'escape', anything to avoid Looking.

When I've turned to look at who or what is doing the thinking, or looked towards the thought of Iain and seen it as only a thought like any other, there has been an accompanying sensation of spaciousness, an accompanying "Aha" moment of freshness, truth and freedom. This indicated to me that I was on the right track, and that I should look even closer in such a way, but this could be the seeker in me trying to 'achieve' some 'realisation'. That is of course, not what we're doing here.

ask yourself if that word knows anything about fear or are they just letters?

The label or word fear exists in a different dimension to the sensation it attempts to label. The label or word fear is a thought. The sensation of fear is felt to radiate from by chest. The label fear comes after the sensation and is a thought that is understood through the familiar thought-sound 'fear' or the thought-letters that appear in thought.

Can a sensation actually know anything about fear?

The sensation is an energy. It is like a primal experience of an entirely different nature to thought. Sensation and thought operate in different planes. Thought may work hard to encapsulate the sensation, pigeon hole it, rationalise it, but thought is entirely different.

The sensation simply is. Sometimes it is present, and sometimes it is absent. There is no person underneath it, behind it, creating or triggering it. Any ownership of fear is a product of thought. Any problems or responses to fear exist only in the conceptual world of thought.

ask yourself if that image/outline/idea can know anything about fear?

The thought Iain is a different thought to the thought fear. The thought that Iain should respond to fear is yet another thought. If Iain decides to run from fear, or face it head on,this is simply a train of thoughts. The sensation of fear may be arising at the same time that the thought Iain appears, but the thought Iain cannot know anything about fear. Awareness knows sensation. Thought only knows thought.

have a look if you can find anything that can be in fear.

The ripple of terror felt when looking for the self is a sensation. The concept that the sensation somehow links to the loss of self is a thought story. The thought that the self could somehow be lost could equally trigger any sensation. It was also triggering an 'expansiveness' sensation then making a thought story about that.

Sensation is experienced by awareness. The awareness of breathing happens and helps me avoid being swept away by thought stories. The sensation naturally dissipates when held by awareness.

Love, Iain

Hello Iain,

Now here comes my matter of fact no nonsense responses.
Your responses are full of concepts. Long-winded analytical and/or philosophical answers are best avoided. This is about unlearning everything you think you know and dropping stories that have no relevance at all to anything! I want you to put aside EVERYTHING you think you know and just be here with an open and curious mind. Keep answers to the point without having to add extra’s because those extras are just concepts/beliefs that only create confusion and doubt.

What does this expansive seeing look like, and what is its purpose?

Good call. The seeker in me would love to invent new terms, turn Looking into a story about an altered state of consciousness that can somehow be achieved, or seek other ways to 'escape', anything to avoid Looking.

So, simply stop it. There is no altered state to achieve, everything already simply IS. It is only a thought that says it isn’t and thoughts know nothing. "Shifting" from thinking to noticing actual experience (AE) can be frustrating and require some practice. Try leaving expectations about how it will it be to the side. Expectations are thoughts about how things can be in an imagined future. And thoughts are the "wrong tool" to do this inquiry. This is about noticing what can be found in your immediate experience, noticing what's going on here now and describing what can be found.

"Aha" moment of freshness, truth and freedom. This indicated to me that I was on the right track, and that I should look even closer in such a way, but this could be the seeker in me trying to 'achieve' some 'realisation'. That is of course, not what we're doing here.

There is no “seeker” in you. There is no ‘you’! Aha moments arrive when they arrive and yes, there is a feeling that you are on the right track. However, there is no bringing that about, it happens on its own just like everything else.

ask yourself if that word knows anything about fear or are they just letters?
The label or word fear exists in a different dimension to the sensation it attempts to label.

There is no separation, so what dimension would fear exist in exactly? The question was simply to ask yourself if the word FEAR knows anything about fear or if they were simply letters, which though then calls a word. That has nothing to do with different dimensions to sensation. Please keep it simple and answer the questions asked - it keeps reading to a minimum and you start to drop half the stories that have no relevance at all. Dimensions, planes etc allude to spiritual teachings and there is no place in this exploration for spiritual teachings which are also concepts. LOOKING is the key, because LOOKING doesn't need concepts, it is seeing what actually IS opposed to the ALL the stories about what actually IS.

The label or word fear is a thought. The sensation of fear is felt to radiate from by chest. The label fear comes after the sensation and is a thought that is understood through the familiar thought-sound 'fear' or the thought-letters that appear in thought.

I want you to sit quietly, close the eyes and allow the fear to appear in the chest area with whatever story that appears with it. Put the story aside and just pay attention to the sensation and to the word FEAR.

Now look very very carefully, for as long as it is needed, still with the eyes closed and see if you can find an actual link between the word and the sensation. Let me know how you go. Is there an actual link that you can see/find, that links the thought with the sensation? Please keep your answer simple.

Can a sensation actually know anything about fear?

The sensation is an energy. It is like a primal experience of an entirely different nature to thought. Sensation and thought operate in different planes. Thought may work hard to encapsulate the sensation, pigeon hole it, rationalise it, but thought is entirely different.

Sensation is simply sensation and is not an energy. Energy is just another added component that is not necessary and there are no different planes. There is no separation, so how can there be different planes? Thought, sound, smell, colour, sensation and taste are all appearances, in/as Experience and there are no differences between them. They are Experience appearing AS sound, colour, thought etc. It is only a thought that divides Experience into different categories and then further describes them as being different to each other.

The sensation simply is. Sometimes it is present, and sometimes it is absent. There is no person underneath it, behind it, creating or triggering it. Any ownership of fear is a product of thought. Any problems or responses to fear exist only in the conceptual world of thought.

Yes, however because of all the stories you have around it, you are not seeing this. Whenever the idea of fear (or any emotion) appears, it is about breaking it down into AE and then LOOKING.

1) The label ‘fear’ is AE of thought and not the AE of thought?
So then you LOOK at the word ‘fear’ and ask yourself, does the word ‘fear’ know anything about fear? Does the word itself suggest in any way that it is fear or in fear?
If, NO

2) You then move onto the sensation
The sensation labelled as ‘fear’ is AE of sensation and not AE of fear
So you drop into the sensation by paying attention to the sensation and ask yourself if the sensation itself suggests in any way that it is fear. And look everywhere to see if you can find anything within or behind the sensation that is in fear.
If, NO

3)You then move onto the image/body
The image labelled ‘body/I/me’ is AE of colour and not the AE of someone in fear
So then look at the image be it the body itself or a mental image appearing and ask yourself if the image/colour it suggests in any way that it is in fear or knows anything about fear.

4) The thought about what the meaning of fear is and what it feels like, and the thought story that SEEMS to be associated with the idea of fear are AE of thought and not AE of fear.
Ask yourself if thoughts know anything about fear or suggest in any way that they are in fear or a fear.

5) So, you looked at the word ‘fear’, you looked at the sensation and the colour/image and the thoughts themselves. If any other ‘mental’ images appear as you are looking, look to see if that image knows anything about fear. Then have a look around everywhere to see if you can find anyone/anything that is in fear.

6) You do this everytime you feel fear/terror, and I mean everytime, because it is the LOOKING that reinforces the idea that there is no one who is in fear, (because there is no one found when LOOKING) and that it is just a thought story appearing that is overlaying AE of sensation + colour/image and nothing more. And by reinforcing this seeing this is how you start to change perception about what actually IS as opposed to what thought says is happening and this is what brings about the realisation that there is no separate self AT ALL that is or can be in fear, and that fear is simply a concept.

Please let me know how you go. I would like for you to do this for a couple of days, then let me know how it goes.

ask yourself if that image/outline/idea can know anything about fear?
The thought Iain is a different thought to the thought fear.

The actual experience of thought isn't any different just because the content of the thought is different. A thought is a thought! The content of thought is just further thought…thoughts about thought. If thoughts were expressed via the tweeting of birds or an unknown language, how would you know what they meant? What meaning is given to thoughts are only just thoughts about thoughts. Does thought actually know anything about thought content (does thought know thought)?

Actual experience is everything, except the "content" of thought, because thought, in and of itself does not contain any experience. If thought contained experience then you would be able to taste the thought ‘sweet’ and hear the thought ‘thunder’.

Thoughts layer concepts over the actual/direct experience. A thought (concept or label) is never the actual. Some thoughts point to the actual, and some point to other thoughts, but the content of every single thought is just a story.

Sensation is experienced by awareness. The awareness of breathing happens and helps me avoid being swept away by thought stories. The sensation naturally dissipates when held by awareness.

Describe this awareness to me...what does it look like and how does it HOLD sensation?

Sensation is not experienced by awareness. There is no separation. For something to be experienced it would have to be separate to that which is supposedly experiencing it. That is separation….object/subject split.

Please remember to answer the questions that are in blue text and to answer them individually.


Love, Kay

Dear Kay,

Yes. Thoughts have absolutely got in the way of looking.

Now look very very carefully, for as long as it is needed, still with the eyes closed and see if you can find an actual link between the word and the sensation. Let me know how you go. Is there an actual link that you can see/find, that links the thought with the sensation? Please keep your answer simple.

Please let me know how you go. I would like for you to do this for a couple of days, then let me know how it goes.

When I look, I can’t find any link between the word fear, and the sensation arising.

After I look at the sensation, then look at the thought word fear, the sensation may still remain. However, following looking at the sensation fear, it is possible to contemplate any kind if thought label and imagine the letters. So, no link.

I tried this with a variety of other sensations that are labeled similarly to fear over the last two days: anxiety, un-fulfillment, loss. Each time when I looked at the sensation, the narrative train of thought ceased for as long as I focused on the sensation.

Sensation does not know fear, and there is nothing identifiable as fear within sensation or hiding behind it.

The thought of self is another thought. It does not know anything about fear.

I will keep repeating as sensations arise, to reinforce this seeing.

Describe this awareness to me...what does it look like and how does it HOLD sensation?

When I look at a sensation arising, it feels as though looking is taking place, and a sensation is being experienced, or held in the gaze of looking. This may be a product of thought, artificially separating looking from sensation. This may be another thing to unlearn. As you say, there is no sensation separate from the awareness experiencing it.

Your points regarding AE in the last two posts have brought up questions for me about AE. I’m still unclear on aspects of AE. Is it appropriate to ask these, or perhaps not at all at this time (as it may be an attempt to pursue distraction)? I still have everything to learn about Looking.

Love, Iain

Hey Iain,

Now look very very carefully, for as long as it is needed, still with the eyes closed and see if you can find an actual link between the word and the sensation. Let me know how you go. Is there an actual link that you can see/find, that links the thought with the sensation? Please keep your answer simple.
Please let me know how you go. I would like for you to do this for a couple of days, then let me know how it goes.

When I look, I can’t find any link between the word fear, and the sensation arising.
After I look at the sensation, then look at the thought word fear, the sensation may still remain. However, following looking at the sensation fear, it is possible to contemplate any kind if thought label and imagine the letters. So, no link.

Terrific! Thought and sensation may appear ‘simultaneously’, and thought may say that one is the catalyst for the other, but when LOOKING you see that that is not actually the case.

So, as you have seen there is no link between the thought ‘fear’ and the sensation.

So, to take this one step further.
Go to the sensation at the soles of the feet. Would you label that sensation ‘fear’? Or is it just a neutral, undefined tingling sensation?

Now compare the sensation of the soles of the feet – which is just neutral sensation – and the sensation in your chest (labelled ‘fear’)…what is the difference between them?
A little bit more intense, but apart from that – any difference?

I tried this with a variety of other sensations that are labeled similarly to fear over the last two days: anxiety, un-fulfillment, loss. Each time when I looked at the sensation, the narrative train of thought ceased for as long as I focused on the sensation.

Yes, being grounded in the ‘body’ as opposed to being in the head is a better place to be, if there is a place to be! When you find yourself in terror/fear again, just look around the room you are in and start to name the objects. This is a way to get out of the and back into the body and this always has a calming affect. Also taking in some deep breaths helps to calm as well.

Sensation does not know fear, and there is nothing identifiable as fear within sensation or hiding behind it.
I will keep repeating as sensations arise, to reinforce this seeing.

Great! The more you see this, then this new seeing starts to uproot the old belief about all fear and what it is.

Your points regarding AE in the last two posts have brought up questions for me about AE. I’m still unclear on aspects of AE. Is it appropriate to ask these, or perhaps not at all at this time (as it may be an attempt to pursue distraction)? I still have everything to learn about Looking.

We are going to do AE next. I wanted to address the ‘terror’ you were having, so that you had some way of helping yourself before we moved onto other stuff.



If you have a ‘real’ apple then you can use that for this exercise.




Have a look at an apple. When ‘looking at an apple’, there's colour; a thought saying ‘apple’; and maybe a thought saying, "I'm looking at an apple."
What is known for sure? Colour is known and thoughts are known.

What about the content of thoughts, what they describe?
Actual experience does not refer to thoughts ABOUT something…because that is only just more thought. Actual experience is sound, thought, colour, smell, taste, sensation.

Is there really an ‘apple’ here, or only colour and a thought ABOUT ‘apple’?
Can ‘apple’ be found in actual experience?

While these thoughts are known, what they talk ABOUT can't be found in actual experience.

This is what is meant by ‘looking in actual experience ‘. What you know for sure, and, is always here.

Taste labelled ‘apple’ is known
Colour labelled ‘apple’ is known
Sensation labelled ‘apple’ is known (when apple is touched)
Smell labelled ‘apple’ is known
Thought about/of an ‘apple’ is known
However, is an apple actually known?

Love, Kay

Dear Kay,

Now compare the sensation of the soles of the feet – which is just neutral sensation – and the sensation in your chest (labelled ‘fear’)…what is the difference between them?
A little bit more intense, but apart from that – any difference?

There is little difference between the neutral, undefined tingling of the soles of the feet, and sensations that are felt to arise in the space of my chest and radiate outwards. There may be zero difference between them, other than intensity. I know these sensations for sure. It is thought that takes sensation and it labels it feet, or fear.

Is there really an ‘apple’ here, or only colour and a thought ABOUT ‘apple’?
Can ‘apple’ be found in actual experience?

What there is when looking at an apple is AE of the red or green colour. The apple is experienced as a coloured thing distinct from the space around it. Held in my hand there is a sensation of a thing held. After the colour and sensation is experienced, the thought of apple is known.

However, is an apple actually known?

All that is known is colour, sensation and taste, and thought of apple. All else regarding apple is a thought story: good apple, bad apple, Iain’s apple, eat apple, don’t eat apple.

Love, Iain

Hi Iain,

Now compare the sensation of the soles of the feet – which is just neutral sensation – and the sensation in your chest (labelled ‘fear’)…what is the difference between them?
A little bit more intense, but apart from that – any difference?

There is little difference between the neutral, undefined tingling of the soles of the feet, and sensations that are felt to arise in the space of my chest and radiate outwards. There may be zero difference between them, other than intensity. I know these sensations for sure. It is thought that takes sensation and it labels it feet, or fear.

Wonderful! So the key is to keep LOOKING. Whenever the sensation in the ‘chest’ appears, look to see if you can find anyone/anything that is there who is in ‘fear’ and then LOOK everywhere in actual experience and see if you can locate an "I" anywhere. The more you look the more you will see that it is simply a sensation and that is how perception changes.

Oh…and how is it known that the tingling sensation is located at the ‘soles of the feet’ and the other sensation is located in a ‘chest’?

Is there really an ‘apple’ here, or only colour and a thought ABOUT ‘apple’?
Can ‘apple’ be found in actual experience?

What there is when looking at an apple is AE of the red or green colour. The apple is experienced as a coloured thing distinct from the space around it. Held in my hand there is a sensation of a thing held. After the colour and sensation is experienced, the thought of apple is known.

Yes, so colour, sensation and thought are known, but an apple is not known. Just observe throughout your day, how thought automatically labels everything. Just watch very carefully, otherwise you can miss it.

However, is an apple actually known?

All that is known is colour, sensation and taste, and thought of apple. All else regarding apple is a thought story: good apple, bad apple, Iain’s apple, eat apple, don’t eat apple.

Yes…exactly. Everything that pertains to an apple, how it is grown, the vitamins it has, etc are all part of the thought story about colour that thought labels ‘apple’.

Here's an exercise that I would like you to try as many times throughout the day as you can. Label daily activities simply colour/image, sound, smell, taste, sensation, thought.

So for example, when having breakfast, become aware of:

Seeing a cup, simply= image/colour
Smelling coffee, simply = smell,
Feeling the warmth of the coffee cup, simply = sensation.
Tasting the coffee, simply = taste
Hearing the spoon stirring the coffee, simply = sound
Thought about drinking the coffee, simply = thought.

Just break down daily activities into these categories (which are all actual experience) and report back how you go.

Love, Kay