Hi Sarah,
Would you say you have seen through the illusion of self?
I want to take the next couple of days to "verify this myself", and I can give you a clearer answer on Monday.
Anymore questions? Anything you are not clear about?
There are always questions!! But they are starting to resolve themselves. Just a little confused about emotions though. There's nothing wrong with them, but is it okay to still have strong emotions, or at least experience the illusion of strong emotions after seeing through the illusion of self? Lots of strong emotions experienced here!! Is it okay to be pissed off sometimes?
Is seeking or wanting still happening – and if so is it seen through?
Oh, yes. It still happens. But what is happening now is that a lot of that seeking and wanting seems to naturally be falling away. It's like lighting and watching a sparkler burn! The thoughts of seeking and wanting flare up and break off into separate sparks, and then fall away or disappear into smoke. This has not happened before today.
How do you feel?
Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel very strange. Thoughts are sometimes saying things in protest, "Help! I can't control anything!", "I am a prisoner inside this body!" and then other thoughts say, "It's going to be okay!", "Watching want and the illusion of control just fall away like that is pretty amazing!", and then back to thoughts that say, "I'm totally freaked out that I really can't control anything!!" What to do in this situation? Approach thoughts with love? See this randomness of thought as part of what is?
Thoughts that DON'T say things that indicate that they want things to be different, or that they are dissatisfied with Jessica, or that they want to control something have been left untouched. Thank goodness!! Much of this life has been lived up inside this head. And many of those thoughts have been ones of humour or compassion. But does that matter?
Sometimes the thoughts in the head have made Jessica seem like a real jerk, like when "I" am getting into the lift in my apartment building after a long day and someone is just entering the apartment building. And thoughts say something like "I'm tired.", "I don't want to ride the lift up with another person.", "We will have to stop at their floor", and then thoughts even say, "Gosh, Jessica! You are being such a jerk for thinking this." But the body holds the door open for them just the same, because if the door wasn't held open they wouldn't be able to get there in time.
And then sometimes the thoughts have been, "Oh, look! A family with small children is entering the building!", "Gotta hold the door open" and the action of the body is the same as in the first situation. Does it make a difference what happens in thoughts if the body performs the same action? But yet, as typing this I am able to see that there was a judgement made there. It seems to be a different story in thoughts related to if there is a single individual getting onto the lift or if it is a family. The "tiredness" of the individuals can be felt, and they seem to be just as pissed off as I am after a long day. Or at least that's the story!!
Yes, that's right nature is filled with both beauty and craziness, just like what happens in human activity. Never thought about it like this before!!
Have a look when next you are there!
Will be going to the countryside tomorrow if it doesn't rain!! To observe this beauty AND this craziness! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Thanks always and warm wishes, Love - Jessica XXX
