Re: Locustafiera requesting guide
Posted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 9:42 am
It's not easy to separate distinctions about control from distinctions about self. The illusion of control follows from the illusion of self. So what follows is just more detail about the spontaneity referenced above.
It's like the 'self' has got out of the way. There is spontaneity particularly in verbal communication, that comes from understanding that there is nothing orchestrating things. It is all just happening the way it does.
When there appears to be a problem that previously would have generated endless worry and 'self' recrimination, there is now no need for all that. For example, my boss sent me a message on the last day of my holiday to advise me that the absence calendar had been predicting my imminent return for several days - I was on unauthorised leave. This would normally have generated feelings of guilt and fear over the apparent failure on my part, and inordinate stressing about what lies and excuses could be fabricated to save my sorry ass. This time however an appropriately apologetic response immediately flew back without so much as a 'by your leave'. Fear did arise later, but it was recognised and the omission understood as uncontrollable forgetting. Shortly after that the same situation was recalled with no fear whatsoever. It was almost as if there was fear hanging around waiting for some way to express itself - thoughts arose that the fear had really been about the flight back.
I have found thinking about memory in general a good way to explore the subject of control, i.e. who or what decides what things will be forgotten and what things will be remembered and when?
Another example: in a conversation with an in-law a suggestion of mine about what kind of English things he might enjoy was dismissed with apparent arrogance - my response was unusually direct and honest. The experience is that it just flows, there's no censor getting in the way trying to achieve an outcome. This might sound a bit dangerous but I have found that it's all just a lot more natural and authentic now.
Communication with my young daughter has been easier recently. Directing her to what is appropriate behaviour is more spontaneous and she responds better.
It's like the 'self' has got out of the way. There is spontaneity particularly in verbal communication, that comes from understanding that there is nothing orchestrating things. It is all just happening the way it does.
When there appears to be a problem that previously would have generated endless worry and 'self' recrimination, there is now no need for all that. For example, my boss sent me a message on the last day of my holiday to advise me that the absence calendar had been predicting my imminent return for several days - I was on unauthorised leave. This would normally have generated feelings of guilt and fear over the apparent failure on my part, and inordinate stressing about what lies and excuses could be fabricated to save my sorry ass. This time however an appropriately apologetic response immediately flew back without so much as a 'by your leave'. Fear did arise later, but it was recognised and the omission understood as uncontrollable forgetting. Shortly after that the same situation was recalled with no fear whatsoever. It was almost as if there was fear hanging around waiting for some way to express itself - thoughts arose that the fear had really been about the flight back.
I have found thinking about memory in general a good way to explore the subject of control, i.e. who or what decides what things will be forgotten and what things will be remembered and when?
Another example: in a conversation with an in-law a suggestion of mine about what kind of English things he might enjoy was dismissed with apparent arrogance - my response was unusually direct and honest. The experience is that it just flows, there's no censor getting in the way trying to achieve an outcome. This might sound a bit dangerous but I have found that it's all just a lot more natural and authentic now.
Communication with my young daughter has been easier recently. Directing her to what is appropriate behaviour is more spontaneous and she responds better.