The Gate

Aw i completely missed this before I went to class today. Sorry to keep you waiting.

For what its worth, I didn't even know I was suffering before that became clear.

there is still a lot of doubt thoughts and seeking popping up, and doubt about this not being clear, but it is just more of the same. Just about noticing it as it happens. There was a lot of business these last few days, so I didn't spend so much time just noticing the problem, or lack thereof, but it was certainly fruitful whenever I 'did'.

One thing that I noticed was that there was anxiety and suffering about waking up now. Anxiety about need to be be awake NOW or ASAP, and feeling like I wasn't being awake now or still seeing duality/time/believing thoughts was causing suffering. That lowered a bit, still present, but there was just some enjoyment of noticing that I was aware. Not necessarily the same gaps as before, but just noticing it without any of the expected 'effect's so to speak. Just trusting that in time the veils will drop.

Would you still be interested in a zoom session sometime this week? i have an exam tomorrow after classes but thursday in the morning or after 1pm est I'd have time. Also anytime over the weekend. Also would you prefer we message or schedule over text/call?

Thank you for the message and

... will keep you posted!

(is what was supposed to be the ending 😁)

there was just some enjoyment of noticing that I was aware

nice!

I might have some time for a zoom this w/e, but lots of moving parts here so won't know until later.

how much time have you been dedicating each day to just relax open your senses and body awareness to what is happening in the moment?

see if you can be aware of the bodily reaction to those thoughts, the reaction that goes with the sense that those thoughts shouldn't be happening, or wouldn't be happening if you were "awake'.
And then to any reaction that the reaction shouldn’t be happening 😊

how much time have you been dedicating each day to just relax open your senses and body awareness to what is happening in the moment?

not enough. I planned/made a routine to spend 1-2 hours dedicated of sitting/relax open but there is still aversion to actually doing it. Usually just 15-30minutes, which comes from in between classes and walking. Any pointers to dissolve the aversion?

see if you can be aware of the bodily reaction to those thoughts, the reaction that goes with the sense that those thoughts shouldn't be happening, or wouldn't be happening if you were "awake'.
And then to any reaction that the reaction shouldn’t be happening 😊

will do!

I might have some time for a zoom this w/e, but lots of moving parts here so won't know until later.

sure, just let me know if it works for you :) if not, there's always the future.

1-2 hours? Wow.
If you were to set aside time to practice only for at least 20 minutes each time, twice per day using the program I sent, I think you would find noticeable benefit. If it occurs to you to practice while walking to class, standing in line, brushing your teeth or any other time, the benefit would increase.

One of the lovely aspects of being awake is simply that--enjoying the awareness of what is happening in the moment, without resistance to anything, knowing it will pass and you will navigate life better without all the attention to noisy thoughts.

And re resistance to thoughts, feelings, etc., think Chinese finger-trap.

If you were to set aside time to practice only for at least 20 minutes each time, twice per day using the program I sent, I think you would find noticeable benefit. If it occurs to you to practice while walking to class, standing in line, brushing your teeth or any other time, the benefit would increase.

I'll put out the intention to follow this and see how it goes then!

And re resistance to thoughts, feelings, etc., think Chinese finger-trap.

Apt analogy! Sometimes there can be little spirals of negativity or anxiousness but the actual 'spark' of suffering so to speak is actually really transient and brief. Just he 'trying to fix it' that prolongs it out :p

I'll put out the intention to follow this and see how it goes then!

Great!

Just the 'trying to fix it' that prolongs it out

Yep, it gets subtle.

Check out this new story by Vince Shubert, the wise storymaker of nonduality :-)
Naomi noticed it first as a micro-no.

Not a thought. A flinch.

She was lying in bed, afternoon light on the wall, trying to “rest” the way people say they rest—like it’s a task with a correct technique.

A tightness appeared under the ribs.
A small heat behind the eyes.
A pressure in the throat.

And then the familiar move:

This shouldn’t be here.

That was resistance.

She’d gotten good at spotting that one.
So she tried to do the “right thing.”

She softened. She allowed. She breathed.

And immediately—like a comedian stepping onto a stage right on cue—another movement arrived:

I shouldn’t be resisting.

That was resistance to resistance.

It wore a nicer outfit. It sounded wise, but it was still a no.

Naomi caught it and did what she always did when she caught something: she tried to fix it.

Okay… don’t resist the resistance to resistance.

And there it was again, even faster:

This is ridiculous. I’m doing it wrong. I should be beyond this.

That was resistance to the resistance to resistance.

A third layer.

It had judgement in it. A faint disgust. A tiny self-attack that felt like “motivation.”

She could feel each layer physically.

The first resistance: a hard clamp in the belly.

The second resistance: a tightening in the chest, like the body trying to manage itself.

The third: a prickling in the face and scalp, like a heat-map of embarrassment.

She lay there, watching it build like a stack of transparent plastic sheets.
Every sheet said “no,” but each one pretended it was “help.”

A thought came:

If I could just stop resisting, I’d be peaceful.

And then another:

If I could just be peaceful, I’d be awake.

And then another:

If I’m not peaceful, I’m failing.

Each thought felt like a little post-it note slapped onto raw sensation.

Post-its on reality.

Naomi had used that phrase before with the group.
Now she could see the entire wall papered with them.

She tried again: allow everything.

Instantly the mind produced its next innovation:

Fine. I allow… but I don’t like that I allow.
I don’t like that I don’t like that I allow.
I don’t like that I don’t like that I don’t like—

It was so fast it became almost musical.

And then something strange happened.

For a moment, the stack was seen as a stack.

Not as a problem.
Not as a spiritual test.
Not as “her.”

Just a self-replicating pattern: no-no-no-no-no, wearing different masks.

Her shoulders dropped half a centimeter.

A laugh started in the chest—small, involuntary.

Not because she’d succeeded.

Because she’d finally noticed the joke:

Even the attempt to be free from resistance was… resistance.

The nervous system trying to edit itself.
Control dressing up as acceptance.
A loop trying to outrun its own shadow.

The laugh got bigger when she felt the last move trying to happen:

Don’t laugh. Take this seriously. This is important.

She laughed again—louder this time—because even that was another sheet.

And the laughter wasn’t some enlightened bliss.

It was simple relief at seeing the mechanics.

Not “I’m better.”

Just: Oh. This is what’s happening.

And in that, the whole stack loosened—not permanently, not forever—just enough that the body could breathe without negotiating with itself.

Lucas, if you have been practicing sensory awareness, now try this for your next few practice sessions:
After your senses are pretty open (please don't strive for perfect!) start watching vigilantly for thoughts to appear in this wide field of awareness.
Don't try to make them happen or keep them from happening, and if you realize you've been caught up in one that's a great realization, and you will just naturally open back up to your senses and vigilance.

Please let me know in a couple days how this went for you.

Cheers,
/p

Hey paz, just finished up my exams/university responsibility for this semester. There was a lot of noticing the feelings and where they are in the body. Still plenty of resistance too.

Lucas, if you have been practicing sensory awareness, now try this for your next few practice sessions:
After your senses are pretty open (please don't strive for perfect!) start watching vigilantly for thoughts to appear in this wide field of awareness.
Don't try to make them happen or keep them from happening, and if you realize you've been caught up in one that's a great realization, and you will just naturally open back up to your senses and vigilance.

I will put this into practice and let you know!

also, I thought i sent out a reply earlier but I checked and turns out I never clicked submit, but I really appreciate the story you attached. Definitely see myself plenty in Naomi. Somewhat related, have you seen the movie 'Revolver', w/ Jason Statham? Not sure how intended it was but I view it as an entertaining non-duality movie :)

Thanks Lucas, and for the movie recommendation as well--I'll check it out.

Yes, I remember wrapping up semesters.... and the sense of freedom that followed!

Glad you appreciated the story. You are often on my mind, and here is an update to your question about how it is happening for me:

I am most awake when thoughts, feelings, senses of inner and outer happenings are all in the same flowing field of experience. That is when everything happening in the ever flowing Now is all one thing with so many aspects. That is when there is simple love of just the one thing, which is the whole thing, which is only Now. It is so lovely, and it is like suddenly seeing the picture in one of those magic-eye pictures. There is no doubt that it is true, and it fits with everything everybody else says about it. It still fragile, though, as a desire for it to last still occurs pretty quickly.
Then there is a slight feeling of disappointment with that, but very shortly after appears a memory that it is all happening on it's own, and there is the knowing that this neurology is learning from every experience, and it's all good and a smile happens!!!

cheers,
/p