I would like to engage with a guide again

[Noro]

Hi Lesley,

Thank you for sharing your last post. There's a lot here to look at and work with in your latest replies.

Hi again. I wanted to add, when I am not in Direct experience there is a sense of, 'Have I done my homework?. Don't want to upset Rowena or she might reject me.'

Lesley, to me this is the signal of an old childhood trauma. Even though it does not actually belong to a "you" (since no "you" can be found) it is part of unconscious material that needs to be fully seen, understood and witnessed with a lot of self-compassion. Seeing that there is no separate self actually makes space for material such as this to arise, so it's a good thing, even if it is uncomfortable.

"I don't want to upset.......... or she might reject me."

Look at this thought/belief.
How old do you feel when you have this thought?
What is going on in your body when you have this thought?
How does it feel to have the thought .... "she might reject me?
Can you be fully present with the emotions/body sensations as an adult to this child part of you.

What is this sense of seeking?

It's a feeling/emotion a way to make me feel better about myself after suffering from thoughts. It is not being in Direct Experience. It's as if I'm averse to Direct experience sometimes.

The exercises of direct experience are simply exercises to help prove that there is no separate, independent, self or do-er or agent that can be found. They are there as a check-in when needed, it is not expected that you spend your time living in Direct Experience. Even though there is no separate self entity, doesn't mean that our every-day reality isn't functioning in the way that it always has, just not for a "someone."

It's as if I'm averse to Direct experience sometimes.

Yes, the "self-construct" wants to both get rid of itself and also to try and remain in control!
This is a perfect pointer to see what's going on in the body, when curiosity will allow! No point forcing when there is a lot of resistance. The words are the pointer:
How does this "aversion" / resistance feel in the body?
Can you stay with the sensations and allow them to move around as they will?

Is there a 'you' seeking?

When I am not in Direct Experience then the answer is yes.

Are you sure about that?
Does it seem like there's a "you"?
Or is there an actual "you" that can be found?


What does the word 'seeking' imply?

Looking to change things/to find a way to make me feel better.

Seeking is a kind of restless activity. Looking around to find a way to feel better. FEEL is the operative word here.
Seeking is a diversion away from feeling what's going on in the body.
The old habits of avoiding feeling that we have all adopted take time to change.


DIRECT EXPERIENCE
Take a moment to sit down and relax and focus on your breath.
Place a hand on your belly and feel the sensation of your hand on your belly.
Feel your feel on the ground.
Feel the chair beneath you as you are sitting.
Take in the full experience of the visual field. Let all labels drop.
Take in the full experience of the sound field. Let all labels drop.
Sit quietly, let thoughts come and go as they will.
Is there anything missing?

There is nothing missing.

How was this exercise for you?

Please keep sharing what's going on for you.

Warmly,
Rowena

PS: I did send you a message, did you get it?

[LesleyBitzy]

I haven't received a message.

[LesleyBitzy]

How old do you feel when you have this thought?

I feel about 3 years old.

What is going on in your body when you have this thought?

There's a funny energy, sort of swirly in my head and chest. It feels sort of dense. I want to hang my head. I feel emotional. Quite sad like I want to cry.

How does it feel to have the thought .... "she might reject me?

It feels very emotional very sad. Like the end of the world.

Can you be fully present with the emotions/body sensations as an adult to this child part of you.

I'm not sure if I'm fully present with the emotions/body sensations. I kind of feel as if I'm wrapped up in a pocket.

How does this "aversion" / resistance feel in the body?

It feels odd. It feels similar to the 3 year old experience. It feels more sort of jagged, angry.

Can you stay with the sensations and allow them to move around as they will?

I tried this and again I'm not sure. I think I need to give it more time. This morning I had it in my head that I needed to clean my bathrooms. I have two and also an extra toilet. I was doing these exercises and I decided to and clean the toilets instead. While doing that I laughed at myself as I had clearly chosen to clean toilets rather than stay with the body sensations. Classic Avoidance!

I need to give these exercises more time and that's is ideal because I tell myself I just answer you within a set amount of time to appear compliant. However it is ideal that I leave it longer so I can experience those body sensations when I am not complying.

Is there a 'you' seeking?
When I am not in Direct Experience then the answer is yes.

Are you sure about that?

No I'm not.

Does it seem like there's a "you"?
Or is there an actual "you" that can be found?

There doesn't really feel like a you or an anything.

DIRECT EXPERIENCE
Take a moment to sit down and relax and focus on your breath.
Place a hand on your belly and feel the sensation of your hand on your belly.
Feel your feel on the ground.
Feel the chair beneath you as you are sitting.
Take in the full experience of the visual field. Let all labels drop.
Take in the full experience of the sound field. Let all labels drop.
Sit quietly, let thoughts come and go as they will.
Is there anything missing?
There is nothing missing.

How was this exercise for you?

When I did this exercise I felt that nothing was missing. There was a sense of wholeness.

Please keep sharing what's going on for you.

I will.

You said you sent me a message. Where would that message appear?
I have not had one.

I wondered if I can wait to respond more to these exercises to give myself a chance to truly experience "not' doing my homework and therefore getting a more realistic response to the questions.
So I would like to have 3 or 4 days before I respond again, if that's ok?
Thank you

Lesley

[Noro]

Hi Lesley,

I was very happy to get your last post.
You are connecting with deeper parts of the psyche that need to be felt and acknowledged with tenderness and compassion.

You said you sent me a message. Where would that message appear?
I have not had one.

I was wondering if you would like to have a one-on-one zoom call to follow up, (at no cost to you).
Feel free to email me: roza.bodytalk@gmail.com if you are interested.

I wondered if I can wait to respond more to these exercises to give myself a chance to truly experience "not' doing my homework and therefore getting a more realistic response to the questions.
So I would like to have 3 or 4 days before I respond again, if that's ok?

YES!

Warmly,
Rowena