good place

[daisyrain]

theres wondering and some small astonishment,
about reliance on thought.
Confrontation with the believe, that, "at the end of the day",
thought holds the right way, the truth.

this exploration feels small and immense, actually neither.#

why would I ever forget direct experience?


I'm not sure "I" even care about who's in control.
Thoughts aside, there's dissolving.
Appearing of thought.
Of sight. Of body.
"Where's control in that"
"I don't think i understood that"
At the end of the day things happen without the thought of control.


There is an interest, there is observing, there is dissolving.

[daisyrain]

There's fear

[daisyrain]

This feels like microdosing death. It feels hard to persist

[graceabounds]

Come back to the body. Ground into the sensations in the feet and hands. Anchor for a while. Let the racing thoughts pass.

Then look again, softly, from stability.

Who is dying?
Look around… ground back into direct experience. Sensations, seeing light and shadow, hearing something…

And among it this sensation in the face and around the eyes…

Press a finger down onto the top of the ‘head’. Notice what is actually present.
Is it a head, or is it just a sensation labelled ‘pressure’ and a story ABOUT a head?

Do the same with a finger on each side of the head.
Is a head actually found, or are there just sensations again?

And is there anything between the pressure points, or is it just a thought that says there must be something between them?

[daisyrain]

It's really just one pressure point.

[daisyrain]

I'm a bit afraid and sad.
Going to bed for now, so probably it's okay.
But there is aloneness in this. Maybe it's the ego, and I'm just dramatical. I don't know.

[daisyrain]

Applying pressure to the head, the sensation isn't really 2 Points.
It's the same sensation, everywhere I look.

[daisyrain]

Repeatedly I find that attitude of believing what feels like truth in a thought over sensation.
Then explanation comes, and again, the attitude is found

[daisyrain]

Feeling a powerful tug somewhere above my stomach, in the center of my torso.

[graceabounds]

Good. You’re staying with what’s actually here, not escaping into explanation. No need to fix or resolve. Just stay here with it. Bravely.

Can you find a self in the sensation, or only the pressure itself?

Is there anyone afraid, or just the arising of fear? How is fear recognized in the body? What is labeled as fear?

WHO is alone?

Maybe it's the ego, and I'm just dramatical. I don't know.

Nothing to know here… that is all story.
What is here before any of that?

[daisyrain]

Through the practice came a question.
I get an answer when asking "what is believed here, who I am?", and sure enough, safe for a little doubt, that feels like self. me. It's pleasant even.
Like a warm, soft mist, a light feeling in the face, in the lips, the chest, jaw, neck.

asking "how is it known, this is me?"

[graceabounds]

Yes, how is it known.

Also look closely:
What makes this feeling “me”?
Is there any evidence, outside of thought and sensation, that this is a “self”?
Does the warmth say it belongs to “you,” or is that a habit, a thought-label arriving after the fact?

[daisyrain]

Sorry for not writing much these days
There's really continuous integration of inquiery (Why am I believing my thoughts over my experience / Who am I / What is believed here, who I am), but not much worth typing comes up.

Tonight lying awake it came, that I believe I am my thoughts. That was surprising to be honest. And then again, it wasn't.
It came, that I am believing my thoughts, because I choose to.

The warm fuzzy feeling can be described as numbness as well.
In that numbness was also rigidity and discomfort, if it's felt for extended time.

this isn't direct experience, but it's important for me to show my engagement with this, even if I write little.

> Does the warmth say it belongs to “you,”

New angle, will investigate!

[daisyrain]

There's a thought that feels true
there's a questioning, if the feeling means truth
and this is going on and on

[daisyrain]

There's some expectation that something should have happened by now or be happening.
Not sure, what to do with that.