good place

[daisyrain]

That pointing is a mental image as well, alright. where does that leave me? ...

[graceabounds]

Subject—> the pointer
Object—> the one being pointed at

Exactly. Where does this leave ‘you’?

[daisyrain]

It feels like this point is ripe to be tackled.

I don't have an answer, but I notice that a voice that I always just took as "oh, this is just me narrating", is just a voice.
"Well, I start noticing" says voice. Good voice, you get a treat.

A movement of "having things be complete" becomes more recogniseable.


Right now the wind rustled the leaves without me.
Without saying too much, it feels like what we're doing here is ripe now.

[graceabounds]

❤️

For the voice, if it supports, I’ll offer this exercise which I think I posted a while back.

Throughout the day, when a thought about "I" comes up, replace the letter!

"I want to have this" -> "O want to have this"
Can "O" want to have anything?
No.
How then could "I" want to have anything?

"I don't like that" -> "A don't like that"
Can "A" dislike anything?
No.
How come there is an idea that "I" can dislike anything?

Observe this throughout the day and report what comes up

[daisyrain]

yesss, O think that works!
all beside, today it seems there's the "mud" of shadow work back here with... O dont know.
(huh, that exercise is doing something... fascinating)

it's the same stuff as always, it's just soooo unavoidable (not ideal word, not wrong either) and not reacted on.

[graceabounds]

Is anything avoidable?

[daisyrain]

right now i have a very hard time answering without intellectualizing.

I'm trying to answer, but I feel it might make sense to talk about something very different from what you asked me. it presents itself, sort of.

There's an assumption (and memories) telling that today I feel like I really failed at your re-labeling ("I" into "O") exercise or doing shadow work.
Now, I have a hard time actually describing *what* failed. What went wrong, etc.
I feel like in this I notice I'm seeking something, and can't make up, what it is.


sorry for not answering your recent questions about

- Is anything avoidable?
- when a thought about "I" comes up, replace the letter!

At the moment I am so unsure *how*

[graceabounds]

Are YOU seeking something?

Is there anything to do?

[daisyrain]

Hello Becc.

I tried to answer, but something else feels like the right thing "to do right now".

I think these days, shadow work is putting itself front and center, and I feel like I should probably take a couple days of break, instead of pushing further into this immediately.

Different things are going on simultaneously.


Like sitting in a room and distinctly feeling that there is only this room. A sensation of how small this is, in a way. I distinctly remember that experience from childhood even. It took a while to notice I labeled this "knowing nothing of the world around" as "loser". It's a bit funny, writing this, a bit.😄

This sensation deepens, and I viscerally feel like the nervous system is accommodating that slowly, which is also to say it feels like there is a lot of processing going on in the body.



Hm. There's also coming into contact with different "part of me", that were very rejected, which is not yet as clear to me.



It really feels like the entire body is at capacity.


Lots of love
Nils


and please don't hesitate to tell me, if my approach is not respectful. I visited a local zen temple, and I feel like they would have kicked me out for this 😄 but I don't think you would :)
sorry, this amendment is too funny to write 😄

[graceabounds]

There is no ‘right’ way in this. That said, I am a fan always of letting the body lead. It is wise. :)

[daisyrain]

There is so much of a sel-fimprovement-program going on.
So much needing things to turn into something

[daisyrain]

I think I notice a lot of obsessing over details / perfectionism in my behaviour.
And today I found myself in a state that was mentally unhealthy in an intensity I might have not had in the last ten years.

There is a movement of intellectualization here, that frankly doesn't want to admit to these things (and it's true I don't really know why I write that).
There's also the movement here again of inventing meaning in these things and how these experiences are part of "progress", instead of just letting things be as they are (whatever that is).

A strange thought occurs here that says that "I am not as wise, as I what I am writing here, because I don't understand it"
And another thought comes upon that and makes into a story about me being a fraud, or at least just "pretending to be 'successful' with this".

[graceabounds]

And today I found myself in a state that was mentally unhealthy in an intensity I might have not had in the last ten years

Thanks for sharing that.
How did it shift 10 years ago? What worked?
It is not in any way an interruption to handle this on a conventional psychological level. A lot has been stirred up…

[daisyrain]

How did it shift 10 years ago? What worked?

Nothing really worked "in the moment", other than withdrawing from others (as to not make things worse).

More generally speaking, after High School I suddenly had a lot of free time without responsibility. I had a heavy addiction to medicine.
That stopped through inquiry really ("What is it that I hope to gain by this, really..?").
And other than that, I moved to my dads, that helped a lot. And later then having my own place.

But I was very much a mess back then.

Actually, I noticed somewhat of a voice here, that seemed to be from that time.
One so exhausted that it would rather die than having to expand the energy to "fix this".

[daisyrain]

the "spiritual work" (I just need a word for it) I do these days is almost exclusively psychological or emotional rather.
(I'm even a bit ashamed of having given up on privacy, and telling an Microsoft LLM about intimate feelings, but) it's where I found that Chatbot from Vince so helpful. (I can ask questions that are so dumb and so... small, that asking them here I'd maybe feel I would be stalling the conversation / avoiding to answer)
(ah, google, amazon and co are scraping these conversations anyway)

Now, what I find again and again are mechanisms going:
"I am so utterly, crazy exhausted, I can't to this anymore, but I can't imagine resting, it's too much responsibility"

AND it's so often tension in the leg left, that's so weirdly specific.

But yeah, asking that what it wants, I can feel a flood of the movement described above coming.

I feel some parts of me are so unable to rest, and so tired, they just hope for some form of death to solve that.

I'm just grateful to hear these voices now. I think I'm not trying to fix them anymore