Hi - brief awakening yesterday

[bejahu]

Hi :-) ,

Try this: get up and walk around the house, or look from a window or - even better - go outside and walk in the street.

What is looking? Can you experience an entity, a looker when looking? Or what is happening - here and now! - is just the looking itself, the raw experience of seeing things?

I am doing this sort of thing a lot - I did it with listening to the birds, etc, while I walked the dog this morning. [It's been very helpful to give me space inside (I have some family chaos going on this afternoon / evening, which I feel I am coping with remarkably well).]

There is just a big space experiencing everything. This space seems to have a good feel for how to approach situations, without trying to cling or 'fix' everything. It seems to know how to give other people space far better than Beverley ever did / does.

I am curious about where this will go from here.

Hugs,

Beverley.

[Canfora]

Hi :)

I am doing this sort of thing a lot - I did it with listening to the birds, etc, while I walked the dog this morning.

You didn't answer my question, Beverley. In your experience, is any seer in sight or the only thing experienced is the seeing?

And in the listening to the birds, etc, can you find the listener?

What is happening?

object --> seeing --> seer

or

seeing?

bird --> sound --> listner

or

listening?

You can try this right now. Sense what is happening around you.

Sandra

[bejahu]

Hi,

You didn't answer my question, Beverley

oops...

In your experience, is any seer in sight or the only thing experienced is the seeing?

And in the listening to the birds, etc, can you find the listener?

Most of the time, there is just a big space that experiences the sound and a big space that experiences seeing. Sometimes there is a bit of an 'I', but I am aware of it when it happens and I seek it out until I find it's just a thought. Occasionally, there is what feels like a bit of a backlash - someone in my head starts shouting eg DON'T TOUCH ME!!! and I feel a lot of anger & fear type emotions. Again, I am aware of this happening, although it's less easy to locate it as just a thought. I seem to be able to move back into the looking for *what* is experiencing things and finding the big space again fairly easily.

At the moment, there is a space that is aware of sound and seeing.

:-)

Beverley.

[Canfora]

Hi Beverley,

Most of the time, there is just a big space that experiences

1. Is this space there all the time? When there is no focus in the space are you aware of it's existance?

2. Does this space have an inside and an outside? Can you sense any boundaries, a place where the space begins or ends? Is this space a container of experience?

3. Is this space inside the body or is the body inside this space?

4. Does it have a center, a fixed location?

5. Is this space an experiencer, a you?

Occasionally, there is what feels like a bit of a backlash - someone in my head starts shouting eg DON'T TOUCH ME!!! and I feel a lot of anger & fear type emotions.

6. Is this something that is happening to a you? If your answer is yes - why doesn't this you stop, change, control what is going on or choose to have other kind of experience?

I seem to be able to move back into the looking for *what* is experiencing things and finding the big space again fairly easily.

Wonderful!

7. Is this "moving back into the looking" something that is made and controlled by a you? Can a you choose to do this or is looking just happening?

Sandra

[bejahu]

Hi,

bejahu wrote:
Most of the time, there is just a big space that experiences

1. Is this space there all the time? When there is no focus in the space are you aware of it's existance?

I'm finding that it's there when there's no thinking. If I'm thinking calm things, I can feel it too; if I get into intense thinking / feeling, I'm not aware of it.

2. Does this space have an inside and an outside? Can you sense any boundaries, a place where the space begins or ends? Is this space a container of experience?

I can feel it inside my body and extending 10-20 feet away from me, but I don't feel it *ends* there, I don't sense any boundaries, either to do with my body or the space around it. I don't think it's a container of experience, it's just where I experience experiences - there's all sorts of stuff going on outside this space too, it seems to me.

3. Is this space inside the body or is the body inside this space?

The body's inside this space.

4. Does it have a center, a fixed location?

As I experience it, I suppose it's fixed in being physically near me.

5. Is this space an experiencer, a you?

This space is aware of experience. It doesn't feel personal though.

bejahu wrote:
Occasionally, there is what feels like a bit of a backlash - someone in my head starts shouting eg DON'T TOUCH ME!!! and I feel a lot of anger & fear type emotions.

6. Is this something that is happening to a you? If your answer is yes - why doesn't this you stop, change, control what is going on or choose to have other kind of experience?

I'm not sure. It feels like junk coming up. It is happening to a 'me'. There is part of me that wants to go back to where I knew what / where I was! That 'me' likes the familiarity of the junk, even though it's confusing as to why it's happening; I don't think it can control it though. I'm not sure about that.

7. Is this "moving back into the looking" something that is made and controlled by a you? Can a you choose to do this or is looking just happening?

It's like a thought comes up that it would be a good thing to focus on, then sometimes I think a 'me' is involved but other times (like now), it's just that a shift of attention happens and I become more aware of the space - I don't have to choose / or feel that I'm choosing to do this.

:-)

Beverley.

[Canfora]

Hi,

I can feel it inside my body and extending 10-20 feet away from me

How do you know there is a big space inside the body? And how do you know it extends?
Is this experienced? Or are these thoughts?

Look to what is happening here-now:
Is "looking" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of looking?
Is "listening" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of listening?
Is "feeling" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of feeling?
Is experience an unity, seamless or a succession of many separate experiences?
Can you see separation?
Look around, can boundaries be sensed, can separation be experienced?

And... looking to what is here-now, is an "I" experienced, separated from the rest?

As I experience it, I suppose it's fixed in being physically near me.

Can you find this "me" experiencing the space or only the awareness of "space"?
Where is this me? Look for it.

This space is aware of experience.

Is the space what is aware or there is awareness of "space"?

I'm not sure. It feels like junk coming up. It is happening to a 'me'. There is part of me that wants to go back to where I knew what / where I was! That 'me' likes the familiarity of the junk, even though it's confusing as to why it's happening; I don't think it can control it though. I'm not sure about that.

Is junk happening to a me? Can you find this me or just experiences going on?
What can you see, being experienced, that is being labeled as "junk"? Thoughts, sensations, feelings?
If you look around, can you find this junk or the you, the separate entity, that is supposed to be the owner of the junk?

Sandra

[bejahu]

bejahu wrote:
I can feel it inside my body and extending 10-20 feet away from me

How do you know there is a big space inside the body? And how do you know it extends?
Is this experienced? Or are these thoughts?

There is a feeling inside the body, a feeling of expanding warmth (it doesn't feel like space at the moment). A zone extends out from my body which *feels* somehow (it feels able to feel) - there is no definable end to this zone, but I feel it for 10-20 feet - this is the area where I feel awareness of eg birdsong when I'm outside.

Look to what is happening here-now:
Is "looking" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of looking?
Is "listening" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of listening?
Is "feeling" a seamless experience, or a succession of many separate experiences of feeling?
Is experience an unity, seamless or a succession of many separate experiences?
Can you see separation?
Look around, can boundaries be sensed, can separation be experienced?

My experience of looking, listening, feeling and experiencing are all seamless unless / until they are broken up by intense thinking. When I move back out of intense thinking, there is a sensation like waking up and having to reassess what's going on.

I can't sense any boundaries, just the vague limits of my field of awareness - there is no 'cut off point' or wall or force field where awareness stops, it just doesn't keep on going.

bejahu wrote:
As I experience it, I suppose it's fixed in being physically near me.

Can you find this "me" experiencing the space or only the awareness of "space"?
Where is this me? Look for it.

There is no 'me' - sometimes I think I've located it, but closer investigation shows it's just a thought and that there's just space. The me that awareness is focussed around is this body.

Is the space what is aware or there is awareness of "space"?

The space is not aware, it just is; there is awareness of the space.

Is junk happening to a me? Can you find this me or just experiences going on?
What can you see, being experienced, that is being labeled as "junk"? Thoughts, sensations, feelings?
If you look around, can you find this junk or the you, the separate entity, that is supposed to be the owner of the junk?

Sometimes there is a 'me' feeling, but it doesn't have any reality to it when I look at it closely. Things have calmed down a bit now so I can't look at this. It is thoughts and feelings though - I am finding it hard to confirm there is no me when things start to get a bit hectic; the more that is expected from me, the more likely it is that there will be a feeling that it's a 'me' that it's happening to - until I get a chance to look for / at the me. The junk is mainly feelings, I think (like I said, it's not happening right now) that thoughts try to explain.

Phew! I am all over the place - what used to be me (thoughts and feelings) is breaking up into all sorts of rubble and junk [these are the thoughts that seem most apt in describing these current experiences!]

:-S

Beverley.

[Canfora]

Phew! I am all over the place - what used to be me (thoughts and feelings) is breaking up into all sorts of rubble and junk [these are the thoughts that seem most apt in describing these current experiences!]

Can you talk a little more about this, please? Anything different in the way life is being lived? All the same? What is being experienced?

There is a feeling inside the body, a feeling of expanding warmth (it doesn't feel like space at the moment). A zone extends out from my body which *feels* somehow (it feels able to feel) - there is no definable end to this zone, but I feel it for 10-20 feet - this is the area where I feel awareness of eg birdsong when I'm outside.

Some experiences happen inside and others outside the body? Do you feel this separation between inside and outside? I ask this because I want you to look and see if there is a you experiencing inside the body.

Maybe this will help: look to the body using a mirror.
Can you see a you looking to the body in the mirror - when you look to the body in the mirror?
Can you see an entity inside that body? Where is this you, this separate self? Can you find it?

the more that is expected from me, the more likely it is that there will be a feeling that it's a 'me' that it's happening to - until I get a chance to look for / at the me.

Is this feeling happening to a real you or it just seems to be happening to a you?
Can you see there is no you everytime looking happens? Or sometimes you look and you see a you :) ?

Sandra

[bejahu]

bejahu wrote:
Phew! I am all over the place - what used to be me (thoughts and feelings) is breaking up into all sorts of rubble and junk [these are the thoughts that seem most apt in describing these current experiences!]

Can you talk a little more about this, please? Anything different in the way life is being lived? All the same? What is being experienced?

Life is different (although not different in a really measurable way). A lot of the time, there is a subtle feeling of the space I'm aware of extending outside the body, this tends to be accompanied by a feeling of peace and calm. HOWEVER, other times I wonder if I'm imagining that anything has changed at all and if this is all just some bizarre attempt to brainwash me into something - lol! There is a strong feeling, sometimes, that I should stop doing this... who has this feeling? There is the thought 'I do', but no amount of looking can find more than a thought repeating the words 'I do'. Other times, there is a feeling of panic that there's nothing here and I'm moving into a space where there's going to be even less here and that's just going to keep getting worse, this is what awakening is: just a kind of low-level permanently ongoing depression [I know this is a thought, but it describes a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment]. Who is experiencing this thought? There is nothing here experiencing that thought, just space.

Some experiences happen inside and others outside the body? Do you feel this separation between inside and outside? I ask this because I want you to look and see if there is a you experiencing inside the body.

The experience of the body (its warmth and gurglyness) is different from the experience of what is outside the body. Strong emotions or physical discomfort are centred inside the body. Birdsong can vibrate inside the body (some sound on telly vibrated in my throat somehow the other day - I've not noticed feeling that before), but I am aware of eg birdsong outside the body too. There is not a me experiencing the body, but the body is experienced.

Maybe this will help: look to the body using a mirror.
Can you see a you looking to the body in the mirror - when you look to the body in the mirror?
Can you see an entity inside that body? Where is this you, this separate self? Can you find it?

Weird feelings. There was my face and I asked 'what is seeing this' and then it was somehow just a body that I was seeing (a subtle, disconcerting feeling). There was awareness seeing. I thought maybe it was confusing to be looking at my face, which I'm so used to, basically, BEING the representation of Beverley. I looked at the rest of my body in the mirror and it occurred to me that the body is a funny thing, there was a feeling of humour and kind of effervescence (slight fizziness) rising through the body.

I will go back to the mirror and try to look for an entity inside the body... It feels kind of disrespectful to see a body and not believe that there's an entity in there. I know this is just a thought and I can't find anyone thinking that thought. I feel like it's all very well for me to say I'm not an entity, but who am I to say whether other people are? (Cautious attempts to discuss this with my husband have ended up in it being very clear that he believes he is an entity and wants to stay an entity - although he's OK with me not being one, "if it works for you" [I'm not sure if it works for me yet, never mind].)

bejahu wrote:
the more that is expected from me, the more likely it is that there will be a feeling that it's a 'me' that it's happening to - until I get a chance to look for / at the me.

Is this feeling happening to a real you or it just seems to be happening to a you?
Can you see there is no you everytime looking happens? Or sometimes you look and you see a you :) ?

I tend to get strong thoughts which repeat words like 'Of course there's a me', but these are just thoughts, there is no substance behind them. I find that having a thought yelling something repetitively at me is quite convincing, if I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed anyway. I will remember that a yelling thought is still just a thought. I think this is what's going on - if a thought yells at me, it scares me into submission (this is obviously ludicrous).

I never find a 'me' when I look for one, just thoughts that are pretending to be me.

:-)

Beverley.

[Canfora]

(Cautious attempts to discuss this with my husband have ended up in it being very clear that he believes he is an entity and wants to stay an entity - although he's OK with me not being one, "if it works for you"

I had the same experience with my husband. He is also very clear that he exists :)

Other times, there is a feeling of panic that there's nothing here and I'm moving into a space where there's going to be even less here and that's just going to keep getting worse, this is what awakening is: just a kind of low-level permanently ongoing depression [I know this is a thought, but it describes a lot of what I'm feeling at the moment]. Who is experiencing this thought? There is nothing here experiencing that thought, just space.

This fear of disappearing, that there is nothing here and you are moving to a space where there is going to be even less and less... What makes you say this? There is aliveness going on, yes? You are Life - like a flower, a fish, a cat, a cloud, a rock, the sky, all that is here. Can you really fall into nothingness? What about all that is here? All these experiences being lived? Do you think This, Reality, Life will end if you look and see there is no you separate from the All? What remains if there is no you? Look around you - what you are experiencing is what remains. Should it be different?

Sending you a hug,
Sandra

[bejahu]

Hi :-) ,

bejahu wrote:
(Cautious attempts to discuss this with my husband have ended up in it being very clear that he believes he is an entity and wants to stay an entity - although he's OK with me not being one, "if it works for you"

I had the same experience with my husband. He is also very clear that he exists :)

I asked my husband if he felt relieved when I told him about this and he said that yes he's glad we're not the only 'half-converted couple' lol.

There is aliveness going on, yes?

Yes, I think there's a feeling *sometimes* that, if thoughts aren't real, what else is going to turn out to not be real? The awareness feels real, but then thoughts felt real a week or so ago. This is not a big concern.

Do you think This, Reality, Life will end if you look and see there is no you separate from the All? What remains if there is no you? Look around you - what you are experiencing is what remains.

The thought of being part of all LIFE is lovely. :-D

I think your last question is a key:

Should it be different?

This question left a kind of gaping sink-hole in my stomach. I think there is a big part of me that has always felt that I should just disappear and everything would be better if I did. (I am going to work on / look at this for a while.)

Thank you :-) ,

Beverley.

[bejahu]

Hi,

I thought I would just report that I looked at that thought / feeling (that I should just disappear) and it has stopped affecting me. There was no one having the thought and there was no one experiencing the feeling.

:-)

Beverley.

[Canfora]

Hi,

I thought I would just report that I looked at that thought / feeling (that I should just disappear) and it has stopped affecting me. There was no one having the thought and there was no one experiencing the feeling.

Yay! In my experience, looking does the contrary of brainwashing (you used this word in a post, I'm still thinking about it...), it brings clarity. You look and the story loses its grip ---> don't take my word for it :) can you see this happening in your experience?

What about choices and decisions? Is a you making them?
If yes, tell me some examples of choices and decisions you make, that we can look at, please.
If no, justify why not, also with examples taken from experience - not thinking!

Look at simple things, to what is happening at the moment:
Coffee or tea? Turning left or turning right? Cook dinner or eat frozen pizza? Getting up or staying in bed?

Have fun,
Sandra

[bejahu]

Yay! In my experience, looking does the contrary of brainwashing (you used this word in a post, I'm still thinking about it...), it brings clarity. You look and the story loses its grip ---> don't take my word for it :) can you see this happening in your experience?

Absolutely - I'm also finding it's getting much easier to reach that clarity, with less need to go through *intense* emotional baggage (although I am open to going through intense emotional baggage in future if this is necessary ;-) ).

What about choices and decisions? Is a you making them?
If yes, tell me some examples of choices and decisions you make, that we can look at, please.
If no, justify why not, also with examples taken from experience - not thinking!

This is what's been happening yesterday evening / this morning! I feel I am being drawn to resume learning Welsh. Inside (inside my awareness) there is a warm, comfortable, relaxed feeling that this would be a good & valuable thing to do. There are a bunch of other feelings, some of which I've already realised are ego-related. Anyway, I am kind of wondering [I realise on one level that this whole bunch of wondering is very silly, by the way, just so you understand that!!! ;-) ] if this is a 'real' kind of inner calling to step into the flow of life OR if it's just me looking for something to do to pass the time / be able to impress people(!) - and does it matter anyway? [Is this the sort of thing you mean?]

Look at simple things, to what is happening at the moment:
Coffee or tea? Turning left or turning right? Cook dinner or eat frozen pizza? Getting up or staying in bed?

I already feel that things like simple movements are not decisions I make, I have looked a little bit at how the decision about what to cook for tea comes about. I will look at this some more today.

:-)

Beverley.

[Canfora]

This is what's been happening yesterday evening / this morning! I feel I am being drawn to resume learning Welsh. Inside (inside my awareness) there is a warm, comfortable, relaxed feeling that this would be a good & valuable thing to do. There are a bunch of other feelings, some of which I've already realised are ego-related. Anyway, I am kind of wondering [I realise on one level that this whole bunch of wondering is very silly, by the way, just so you understand that!!! ;-) ] if this is a 'real' kind of inner calling to step into the flow of life OR if it's just me looking for something to do to pass the time / be able to impress people(!) - and does it matter anyway? [Is this the sort of thing you mean?]

Can you see a you that can step in to the flow of life or remove itself from it? Is this experienced, this movement in and out of the flow or is this only possible in thoughts - a story about what is happening?

I feel I am being drawn to resume learning Welsh.

Where does this feeling come from? What is at its origin?
Is a you in control of the wants and don't wants? The doing or not doing?

This is what's been happening yesterday evening / this morning! I feel I am being drawn to resume learning Welsh. Inside (inside my awareness) there is a warm, comfortable, relaxed feeling that this would be a good & valuable thing to do. There are a bunch of other feelings, some of which I've already realised are ego-related. Anyway, I am kind of wondering [I realise on one level that this whole bunch of wondering is very silly, by the way, just so you understand that!!! ;-) ] if this is a 'real' kind of inner calling to step into the flow of life OR if it's just me looking for something to do to pass the time / be able to impress people(!) - and does it matter anyway? [Is this the sort of thing you mean?]

No, I mean do choices and decisions just happen, as the result of many factors or does a you choose and decide? What can you see when you look at the experience of choosing and deciding?
Is a you there, is this you experienced?
If there is no you how do choices and decisions happen?

Looking forward to your answers,
Sandra