Looking for assistance

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

After what sounds like a strange night for you, the theme of your post seems to be peace. That's great.

The implication that everything "I've" ever known, valued, loved, was not as it seemed. There were thoughts that it needed to be taken further somehow. Like standing on the edge of something, but not knowing the way over.

Yep, nothing is as it seems, is it? But what needs to be taken further? Just relax and look into the peace, the stillness. Remember the gate is gateless. The self cannot go through. Just look. Just be.

Really feel unable to evaluate anything at all right now.

Don't try to reason this thing through. Again, just use your direct experience of what's going on right now.

But that's ok, isn't it

Oh yes, that's more than okay :-)

So have you seen through the illusion? Are there any doubts? Look carefully into the stillness. Has there ever been a separate self?

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David,

Just another little update. Unable to make sense of things at the moment, its all jumbly. Cloudy. Just trying to settle in.

This shift is SO subtle. its easy to miss. Hard to describe or observe. If that's what it is.

Gosh am I grateful.

There's just no words.

Everything is just as it was.
But not a thing is just as it was.

Little revelations have been showing themselves today. Slowly slowly. Or "berlahan-lahan" as my yoga teacher says in Bahasa haha.

It looks like that fear at the heart of everything, that fear and resistance of change may have acted as blinder to seeing that no such thing as change exists. Nothing is still, permanent or god just cant find the words. But there is not a single thing to hold that can change.

As I said this morning. The "I" thought is still prevalent. But yes different. Its watching of that I thought (All thoughts) without connection to personal identity. Just watching, but no one behind it.

Overflowing with gratitude and love.

Throughout the day there have been instances that make me temporarily buy into the "I" story, but not with as near as much potency and still, somehow its kind of detached. Cant explain.

I get the feeling there is still stuff to sort out, cant know.
Very cloudy and disorientated. Its just that nothings clear, but everything is ok. Just here. Or here. Or here. Laughing.

Was just looking out over the city before and the sensation was as if I was too high from the floor, like my body had just dropped away and I was purely this observation hovering 5 foot nine inches above the tiles. Looking out from 8 stories high off the platform. So cool.

Finding a will to sleep a lot. Naps and naps and long sleeps. When awake there is none of that internal struggle of "should be doing this." "Have to do that." no rushing around to get from A to B, even when theres never been any reason to rush to B. Theres been zero point for all this racing and rushing all my life. God! haha. what was that all about?

Smiles. Smiles that flower from somewhere deep.

I don't know what this is. Yeah. Noone to hold it. Noone to claim it. (Though the thought stream keeps trying! lol)

The stories of yesterday, yester year. They aren't real are they? Nor any predictions about beyond. Nor anything I can really say about anything. Hahaha

Perfection.

Am hoping to read through this thread in its entirety as per your suggestion to see what may come up. Have a plane to catch shortly. Maybe once feet touch ground in Sabah.

Now, to answer your questions.

So have you seen through the illusion?

I'm not sure. Maybe. Need a little bit of watching to know. I think so. Maybe. So cloudy.

Are there any doubts?

Doubts have been arising in thought form. They're not sticking.
Not right now.

Look carefully into the stillness. Has there ever been a separate self?

No I don't believe so. :)


Love and humble gratitude for your kind and generous presence here David.

Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Hope you're settling in okay in your new surroundings. I'd imagine you slept for a lot of Saturday. It's been great hearing your experiences of what's arising for you. Just relax into it.

As I told you earlier, what we do now is ask a few questions for confirmation and to check to see if anything needs looking into a little further. Take your time, there's no rush. Reply when you feel ready.

Here are the questions:

1) Is there a separate entity, a me, a self, an I, anywhere , in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of self is, and how it works, from your own experience, Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this.What is different from before you started this process? Please report from the last few days with examples from your own experience.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6) Anything more to add?

As I say, there's no hurry. Get back to me with your answers when you feel ready. And of course, get back to me with any questions or if you just feel the need to chat about this at any time.

Have a great weekend,

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David,

Hope you're doing well. What's news from Old Blighty?

I've been trying to suss things out a bit before answering these questions. Very hazy and not too sure of anything. The time watching hasn't really seemed to make anything clearer. Not sure if I've seen through or not, but I'm going to answer anyway. :)

Here are the questions:

1) Is there a separate entity, a me, a self, an I, anywhere , in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

I don't think so, not right now. But here's the thing. Thoughts about this stuff have become very jumbled and confused. Especially when it comes to ideas of the past. There's no deciphering memories clearly at all. I can't really comment on what the past was. If an entity existed. The likelihood is not, if the lack of a self now is anything to go by.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of self is, and how it works, from your own experience, Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion is simple really. Its thoughts and feelings. Sensations, a body. Tiny individual things occurring with no prompting that all seem to come together to create this idea of a person in control, at the helm. The thoughts are continually forging this idea with sequences such as "I am going to do such and such..." "I think this about this..." and so on. But there is no I thinking, doing anything. Its just happening. Thoughts come, emotions come, actions of the body arise. A sense of watching all of these things is behind it all. But from where/ what is a complete mystery.

The illusion is also based on the elaborate construct of a past that solidly occurred as fact, and a future that is governed upon the choices the "self" makes now. Its possible now to see that the past is not nor ever was, and the future is also the same. Not nor ever will be. Not in that sense. I'm not 100% sure, but there's a feeling that right now and everything that's involved in right now, is appearing right now, and that's all. The memories, thoughts, everything. Its just now, now, now that its come into existence. Maybe. Hah. Feel like a baby, not sure about anything. The difference is its not just uttering words anymore, or quoting texts or mantras. Actually SEEING it. Kind of. Haha :)

3) How does it feel to see this. What is different from before you started this process? Please report from the last few days with examples from your own experience.

Its funny, Nothings different, but everything is. Zoe is just the same. Same reactions, emotional outbursts, attachments, desires, (Actually I think this one may be dropping a bit) the same habits. (Actually in retrospect I think some of these things are changing extremely subtly- Will keep watching) The point is, the personality is going on as it was, with very little alteration. Maybe more than I'm noticing, this is the first time I've actually looked at that.

The difference is, its all ok. There's experiencing it all with happiness, keen interest, uninvolvement. I would use the word detachment but for the negative connotations. (Zoe concept in action!) Things appear the same. The world has not become magical or sparkly, but the things that appear just as before are now much more interesting. The sense of threat and fear is seldom there anymore. Interactionwith strangers and people have gone from becoming scaring, threatening to kind of exciting and fun- For the most part anyway. Now and then I find am pulled into negative Zoe stories when people display negativity but it doesn't seem to last long.

Feelings to do with relationship turmoil are still occurring in the Zoe story.. Rejection, loneliness, dissatisfaction- but they are experienced from somewhere impartial. And are now almost fleeting whereas before would consume attention for days, sometimes weeks and spiral ridiculously into other self perpetuating and negative stories.

More often than not now, things are ok. Sitting is ok. Walking is ok. Riding a bus is ok. Before all of these things were stressful. Having to rush at the thought of getting to the next supposed point. The idea that there are things that must get done. Now the ride is ok. Theres nowhere to get to.

There's still preferences. A preference for solace, the next moment a preference for attention. Deep preference for privacy. I'm not sure what to make of this just yet. Can't understand how there can be preferences, if there's no one to prefer anything. Its not experienced from elsewhere like other stuff. These still seem personal somehow. Will take my time with it. Don't feel any pressure really to have to understand anyway :)

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It was everything. Everything in life. Everything in that moment that was a memory and that moment in its entirety. You said something, it really felt like around two or three days of really breaking fundamental beliefs. Deep ones. First with your patient guidance, a gentle breaking down of all the things I believed of myself. Seeing through those. And then something you said about memories seem to trigger something. Made the mind go off on a little tangent head trip. Seeing that everything that it thought had ever happened, hadn't happened. Not in the solid way it had held onto for so long. This is bringing tears to my eyes. I could never express the amount of gratitude that's flowing though me right now. For your help David. For you coming here, into this experience. For Pete, (moondog and his gracious help) The flow of it all couldn't have been any different and yet there's such immense thankfulness and love for you.
I guess the searching started a little under two years ago. Many teachers, in the form of books, audio files, satsang meetings, Facebook chats and here. A friend Justin was the first person to pull everything into question. Then Paul Hedderman, Jed McKenna, Adyashanti, Robert Adams, Douglas Harding, Alan Watts. A little Maharshi and Nisargadatta, but could never really get into that. Galen Sharp, A course in Miracles. Local Perth teacher, Vishrant Prem, and Edji Muzika. Pete and you. Absolute adoring love and humble heartfelt gratitude. But its everything. Everything is a teaching. Friends and family. Strangers. Animals (animals a lot!) and every little fleeting moment. :) Feel in love with all of it. Feel there's also still a lot to learn in someway unexplainable, but no push to make it happen. Theres no one to make it happen. Can sit back and watch the show now so to speak.

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

It still FEELS like this somewhat. Perhaps a little work to be done in recognising when the mind is attaching itself and creating the sense of doership. I'm wondering if this may be because its done this for so long. When ever looking at this "I" concept of the mind though, its pretty clear that no one is deciding/ doing/ choosing anything. And the ownership illusion kind of goes up in a puff of smoke. Its all just occurring. That being said, not much time so far has been spent with attention on this. One foot in front of the other. Each moment by moment. Things get done. Places get gotten to. But barely anytime or attention in the last few days has been spent on who is doing it, how it is getting done. More just enjoying the experience of the little things. Should I be looking harder at this? I guess if looking at this stuff is going to happen, it will happen.

6) Anything more to add?

Again just a lot of thank you thank you thank you's. And also would be nice to extend that to Pete also, but am not sure how to contact him.
I don't much know if I've completed this bashing down of illusion, gateless gate. I don't much know if there is one. A gate. The self wasn't there to bash down. Don't much know if anything is anything haha. Gawd. But its Ok. Don't much really mind either way.


Much love and kindness always,
Zoe xxxxx <3 <3 <3

[Hector's ghost]

Thanks for answering the questions, Zoe. I'll show them to the guys at LU and see if they have any questions for you.

David x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

So let's look a little further.

You seem to have had the experience of seeing through the illusion of a separate self, which lasted a few days before it seemed to go, leaving you confused. Let's look more into this.

What's different now? How is what's seen now different to what was seen back when it seemed to be clear? Is it possible that was was experienced was a state of mind? And if there's confusion now, what is the direct experience of that confusion? Is it possible that this clarity was just part of the Zoe story?

Perhaps a little work to be done in recognising when the mind is attaching itself and creating the sense of doership.

Let's look further into that, too. As you go about your day look into your experience of being a doer. Do you actually choose to do anything (as a self) or do things just seem to gape, and then thought says 'I'm doing this'? Look very carefully and let me know what you find.

Speak to you soon,

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hey David,

Great to hear from you again, was a relief when you asked how it was all going on Facebook, because I really did seem to lose that thing. If I ever had that thing. To be honest, I don't know that I did, can't recall if I did. Am aware that if in fact I did at any point, it wasn't "I" that had it. All that was had was a losing of the I. Maybe. If maybe it seems only temporarily. Maybe.

Have been feeling really crest fallen over it actually. Avoiding coming back to look again. The hunger to break through, see what's real is still there, but the mind is saying, you were so sure, and yet no.. Its pointless. There is no end game. There's nothing to find. Its not all that bad, just keep finding distractions to keep me from coming back here. That was a rather long winded way to apologise for it having taken me so long to get a reply back to you. Am sorry.

Its really hard to gauge if anything is in fact different when everything is constantly so drastically different. Am feeling travel weary. Haven't been living in the same room for longer than four nights in quite a while. Am so grateful but yearning to stop for a bit, which is coming upon me forced as funds are nearly gone. But yeah, I'm living the dream. Its amazing. I'm grateful. After a time though just need to stop all this running.

So let's look a little further.

You seem to have had the experience of seeing through the illusion of a separate self, which lasted a few days before it seemed to go, leaving you confused. Let's look more into this.

What's different now?[/quote}
Its not like it was ever really confusion. It was more like a fogginess. But a complete ease and comfort and ok-ness with the fogginess. With not getting anything. This is what I recall, but its a rapidly dissipating memory and I'm not even sure its accurate.

In answer to your question, everything is different now, because everything is different every second. Every fraction of a second. But in terms of outlook, I am still living a life in the belief of Zoe at the core. Zoe in control. Wait. God. I'm not sure that's true. I actually don't believe that, but I don't know otherwise. Don't believe or see otherwise. I think maybe I may have for a day or two there. Could never be sure.



[quote}How is what's seen now different to what was seen back when it seemed to be clear?

It seems for maybe a week or two, whenever the spin stories of future, inadequacies, desires and what not arose, there was looking directly at them and seeing through these things. Sometimes instantly, sometimes after a little investigation, and then calm ascended. But it also feels like maybe there was a slow disintegration of this ability and now am fully immersed once again. Concerning myself with how I am going to make a living after I stop travelling. Concerning myself with how anyone will ever love me as damaged goods. Stuff I never even used to worry about a month or two ago! But again, maybe. Maybe everything I've just said is a story.

Is it possible that was was experienced was a state of mind?

Sure. Have asked myself the same question many times.

And if there's confusion now, what is the direct experience of that confusion?

There's no confusion just a general sense of despondency toward the subject and a little disillusionment. (Don't know how to spell that word) Its not huge, or creating a negative sensation, just numbing.

Is it possible that this clarity was just part of the Zoe story?

Its possible yep. Its probable. Its the only explanation in fact, because its not here now.

You've asked me to do a little looking at doership throughout the day. As such, will take a little time. I'm going to look at this stuff and get back to you on it.

Wanna get this. Wanna get this. So bad. Was so sure before. Was such an overwhelming relief and ease about everything. Though nothing was different, everything was. Apparently. Maybe I'm just feeding off what I can see was written. The memory story. The story of everyone else. All other experiences. A myriad of stories, building belief.


Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Sorry to hear the despondency in your post. I know you really want to see through the self. You're not the only one who thought you had.

I get what you're saying about not staying in one place for more than a few days. It must be tricky seeing looking to see what doesn't change when everything does. I think for now you should take it steady. Don't worry for now about any endpoint, just look for now at your experience. Experiment with just being, see how it feels to be totally present. When you've done that for a while you can gently probe. But don't necessarily worry about no self for the moment, just get a feel for being in the body. I think if you can do this for a while it will get you in the right place for inquiry again.

Let me know how you get on.

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David,

Hope you're doing well. Your anecdotes on fb crack me up. :)

Here's what came up from your a second last post.

Perhaps a little work to be done in recognising when the mind is attaching itself and creating the sense of doership.

Let's look further into that, too. As you go about your day look into your experience of being a doer. Do you actually choose to do anything (as a self) or do things just seem to gape, and then thought says 'I'm doing this'? Look very carefully and let me know what you find.

Such a huge amount of resistance at the idea of looking at this stuff again. (On one hand. On the other, there's a force driving me to do so. "Me")

My attention seemed only capable of staying with this for a couple hours today, try as I might. This is what is on the paper from earlier this arvo.

Just then my hand wiped my face, then my nose, removing a stray tickling hair. No thought involved in this. (That I was aware of or could account for) No pre- emotive decisions. A man just came over and told me he has put up a new hammock and I would be more comfortable to write in that. So I said thank you and moved there. Actually before that the mind said, "the hammock is behind that little fence. This would make a beautiful photo without the fence, so better take a photo before moving." Took a photo. Moved to the hammock. That LOOKS like a self motivated outcome. Just then I looked at my skin a few moments. Freckles, bumps, minute cracks.
Ah geez this is a headache to rewrite. The just of those actions for that couple hours was that many most things happened without any input. A few things seemed to be prompted by the mind. Theres too much very boring stuff to write, pages and pages, I won't bore you.

A couple of key points. The mind was saying; "Its the big stuff I do. I will decide when to get up. To move. I will decide when the wood of this hammock is digging into my skin to much and I need to change position.

Observing happening. Sensations happening. No one in control.

Then got distracted.

Ive done this all before. I found no one at the helm. I found that. I spoke of that. But it never changed the belief in self. Or even the belief in the things I found.

Its like, for decades I've known, been told, seen on TV that people in different countries led different lives. In developing countries there were people who lived much differently. I saw what that looked like on TV. I said yes I understand this to be real, I feigned a deep sympathy because that's what you're supposed to do. Its not until I've been out here in the world in these different countries for almost 2 months when it suddenly dawned on me. The REAL reality. People like me, with the same brains, the same base motivations, wearing jeans and worrying about having a bad hair day. These people live in huts woven out of bamboo, cane, wood cut from near the hut, or sourced by someone local who cut it. Have to walk and toil for food and water. Live a perpetually dusty and earthy lifestyle. I knew it, but didn't KNOW it, didn't consciously take the step to realise it until a couple of days ago.

That's how I feel about this seeing of the control here. The self. I'm seeing, saying I know, saying yes, I see what's real. But its not SEEN. I say the words, but its not cutting through. Its not REAL. Its like a surface level experience. Numb.

I don't know how to make it cut through. Or even if that's what's going on...

Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Great that you want to pick this up again. It might be best to start by you telling me where you see this process at this current time. How is the self experienced right now? Have you been looking into the self? Have you had any insights?

We can take things from where you see yourself now. Probably best if you report on how this is experienced here and now rather than trying to look back to what was experienced last time we spoke about this.

Speak to you soon,
David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hey David, thanks for the pick up. I'm not too sure what to say. Lately there has been a lack of words, opinions, meaning, objective, everything the same as it always was, without the struggle of an owner at the wheel. Theres nowhere to be at in the process. :) the self is still experienced as it appears and then it's not. And then it is. Haha. It's not a fixed thing and not what i deemed it. There's no urgency appearing. Evwyrything is stunning. All of it.

Insights? No. There's no experience of some overwhelming 'oneness' 'connectedness', no grand realisations or clarity. More like okness. This is it. More like dropping of insight. A letting go. :) when the I story appears it's sometimes grabs hold and
temporarily brings itself back to life, but it seems somehow it's poked and watched and looked at. A meaningless interest. Non personal. Until it is. Until it isn't. Hahahahaha. I don't know if I'm making any sense. . The looking has changed. The intense need to seek has been replaced right now by an impatience for any of it. Can barely make it through a paragraph of teachings. Enjoying the beautiful familiarity with talking to a few people though, who ,have been helping me 'settle in' here, so to speak.

Apologies for scrappy grammar here Dave am rushing this out before my phone battery dies.

Much love,
Zo

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[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

There seems to be a lot more ease in the way you describe how this is seen for you since last time we spoke about the self.

You say that "Lately there has been a lack of words, opinions, meaning, objective, everything the same as it always was, without the struggle of an owner at the wheel." (Sorry, I can't seem to get the quote function to work this morning). This sounds like you are telling me you've seen through the illusion, that there's nowhere to be in the process.

"the self is still experienced as it appears and then it's not. And then it is. Haha. It's not a fixed thing and not what i deemed it."

So are you experiencing the self as something that can be viewed, something that can be poked and looked at, as you say. The way you talk about this it sounds like there's no more looking to be done at this time as your intense need to seek has been replaced by a feeling of ease. Is this the case? Did you want another look at the final questions, or do you feel there is more to do here?

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David, things still arise, there's still all of the self associated comings and goings. Nothing has changed except maybe the attempt to hang onto these things. Ups and downs, highs and lows. All flow without the denial of before. Without the perception that they were yeah, I guess a fixed thing attached to a fixed central figure. So weighty.

Yes the mad seeking seems to have abated here. And there is ease despite what may be going on. Ease is a good description.

The self is seen for its bits and pieces. It's assumptions and collective senses and experiences. Nothing behind it all. Who knows what behind it all. It doesn't matter. But it's not me. Haha. Not THAT me.

You asked if I feel there is more to do here. I'm searching for an answer...

Haha, the only thing that comes to mind is what could possibly need doing that's not being done? Doubts arise. And fall away. Maybe a concept surrounding the idea of deconstructing hidden beliefs still lurking, but no urgency. Just fun to look at and discover.

Sure, let's give the finals a go.. :)
Appreciate all of your selflessness Dave (pardon the pun) Youve been very patient and kind.

Zo x

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[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

The questions have changed a little since last time you looked at them. As before answer as honestly as you can from direct experience.

Here are the questions:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from recent experience.

6) Anything to add.

Take your time answering, there's no hurry. We can then see if anything comes up that you'd like addressing.

Looking forward to what you come up with. Speak to you soon.

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Thursday, 12 June 2014
11:07 AM

Hi David,

Here's the answers that came up to the questions.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There is the temporary appearance of a self. Through thought and senses. Sometimes not always. It's a thing in a constant state of flux where thought is concerned. Though not really as the actuality of the change would appear illusory. (Still thought based) Nothing about it is ever fixed and when awareness is focused on it, it can be broken into tiny little pieces until there's nothing. All that's here, does not include an entity. Separate or non. Not one to be found. 

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

Where did it start? It's hard to pin point. It's funny to talk about because it seems now this is the way it's always been. As far as my life story is concerned, and it is just a story, it would seem somewhere in childhood the concern in life, the focus of life, shifts from being just on life and happenings as they happen, to the concerns and worries and control of a being. 

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

It feels lighter. If there was any other way to feel. Everything is the same. Ups and downs flow, senses come and go, everything experienced fully. Occurrences happen where the I story is pulled into the foreground and still has a bite, but its seen as a story. Just a happening. Experienced fully. Allowed to be. (Allowed is not the right word- but I mean to use it in contrast to the way things were run from, escaped from, covered up and seemingly denied before.) This stuff is hard to put into words. Everything just is. No creator. No controller. No summoned. Just life. Happening. Right now. Thinking. This. :) Its good. A description of the past few days.. Is a story of a memory that involves being whisked along from Australia to Bali, to Lembongan Island, back to Bali. Faces, places, feelings, thoughts, sensing. No choice. Ecstatic whirlwind sensations arising and falling, nothing- ness arising and falling. Painful thoughts and feelings arising and falling. Talking, looking, laughing, experiencing. Just a flow of wonderful life. Life living. But life living with maybe a little switch from before. But not really hahaha. Haha.

There's been resistance here to writing these answers. I did two a few days ago and then for a few days could not look at them again. Just another occurring. A road block kind of saying, why or how on Earth would you answer?! Haha. But here I am...

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It's hard to tell. I think this has been a very slow creeping thing and of course its always been here. The "pushing over" isn't gaining something. Its letting go of something. Something that never was! Doubts still arise, but now they tend to pass and are seen through.

To be honest, I think the looking and falling away has been a constant progressions fop the last two years, like a constant thing. Theres no pin point, but theres memorable moments where certain feelings arose, like shock or a pang or laugh. There was dropping away of firmly held beliefs in body and the objective world and thinking of thoughts with Pete. (Moondog, my first guide on LU) Could be there were kind of several moments in which things "clicked." Lots opened up in conversations with you Dave. Especially that memory and story exploration in Borneo, after answering the questions the first time around, before the admins could even come back with an answer, a lot of doubt seemed to creep back over like a blanket. And resurrected the illusion so to speak. Recently Ive been having conversations with a friend Bill. (Also a guide on here.) Whilst helping me with some sobriety stuff, it seemed it finally clicked. The ideas of seeking went away. A relaxing into just being happened.

Yeah its really hard for me to find a particular point. I hope this will suffice. There was no "Ah hah!" moment for me. Actually that's not quite true. There was several small ones. But the ah hah moments were just states. Not to be held onto. Does that make sense? Its all a fluidity. And not, because fluidity implies a before and after.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from recent experience.

Ok. These words- I'm assuming you want them in context to self not the thought based dictionary definitions...

Decision, (which ties closely in with choice and intention, and free will and control) is the appearance of a choice of options and one of them being decided upon by an individual entity. Whereby in truth, there is no choice being made, no decisions being made and no entity to make it. Though it may appear that way in a thought based idea, its not happening in actuality. The outcome and appearance of a choice just is. Coming out of nowhere/ nothing. It just is. Hah, lack of ability to explain. Smiles arising.

Intention is similar to above, the difference being intention implies a desire to do something in the future.

Free will is the idea that every thing that is going on is governed and determined, chosen and planned out by me. The idea that a self has the option of making life/ events/ things go on a chosen course or in a direction of choosing... Its seen here not to be the case. These words are just written on this page. The scene before me is just appearing and there is the experiencing. There is no free will, other than the occasional appearance of free will based thoughts... "Should I, shouldn't I?.. Which way should I turn" etc. They don't negate what will happen. In truth it appears as though theres no choice in anything. Even in whether or not there is the appearance of free will or choice.

That's covered the word "choice" also. Kind of also covered control too. Who is there to control anything? What is there to control? How could you possibly control this?

Hmm how does it work. Gawd. To me that question seems unanswerable. Stuff just is. Haahah. Right here. Just is. There is no before and after. Many thought based arisings in the "isness" about a before and after, but really none to be found. The thoughts construct it in its entirety. Its all just happening. Quite amazing really. Theres nothing to be found at source to "Makes things happen" as the question asks. Thoughts roll on to perpetuate stories of a long life gone and a self, but that's not here. Those thoughts come out of nowhere uncontrolled. Theres no indication of where it all comes from, and no desire to know as its unknowable. The experiencing is just experiencing.

What am I responsible for?

Sheesh let me think. Beliefs arise that associate this personas being with a duty to be good. (This is seen for what it is. Thoughts.) a responsibility to be kind. Its weird. This is seen as a thought and a belief structure from a story arising in an effort to perpetuate the story of Zoe. Its not concrete and its just showing up. There's still the rising and falling of beliefs, seen in a different light. I guess this is as close as I can find to responsibility. Really though, there is none. This is a hard thing to say. In recent experience, many others have been trying to reinforce the personal responsibility belief. A duty in life to "make something of yourself" , "Do something worthwhile", "Become something to be proud of" "Decide what your purpose is." All of these goals assume the presence of a me. Not only that, but a me that needs fixing. I can't find either of those things. The experience here is no feeling, need or desire for any of these things. Those beliefs have been dropped. On the flip side, when it arises that someone is seemingly putting the pressure on in this regard, a feeling of guilt can show up, that maybe theres something wrong here that I'm feeling no sense of personal responsibility or motivation. But it passes. I don't know. I'm not sure how to answer this question succinctly. I can't find any responsibility. There's not hitting people when riding the scooter and such, but there's not a person making a decision not to hit people. There's just the appearance of an idea that hitting people would be awful. And not hitting people. Hahhahahha. Gawd.

6) Anything to add.

Just a massive thanks for your time in all of this David (Appearance of hah) and the same to Pete and Bill.

Muchas Gracias,

Zoe xXx