Hi Nona!
You write
I wasn't feeling confident that I had seen all that there was to see.
You haven't. Seeing through the illusion that one is or has a self that is somehow separate from the movement of Life is just a beginning.
Agreed! I just had to let go of the idea that seeing through self required seeing through anything else!
I have a few questions to ask to tease out anything that we might want to look at more closely:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is not and there never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusory self is a complex web of thoughts. These thoughts are introduced at a young age and reinforced by language and social conditioning. These thoughts can trigger physical/emotional responses in the body, and the reality and intensity of those sensations is often projected onto the thoughts. Without examination these thoughts and feelings can seem to be inextricably bound together. Thoughts of the self reinforce themselves in many ways. As well as emotionally based sensations they reference memory thoughts and time thoughts and create an illusion of continuity. They classify and categorize and invent familiarity with certain experiences, then identify the familiar as part of the self. They take ideas that can only point to a moment in time and use them as fixed labels.
These thoughts rely on acceptance of the subject/object duality, which is ingrained at a young age. Once that assumption is made the thoughts can point to any real experience and "prove" the self by owning the experience. The observer can't deny the experience, so the "experiencer" is accepted as truth too.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It doesn't feel much different. There's a little bit of relief when I recall the strain that accompanied the belief in control. There is more ease in living. I'm more content, less easily stressed. I see more humour and absurdity in life. Thoughts are lighter and more transparent. It's becoming easier to filter out the thoughts that interfere with seeing DE clearly. There is less mental chatter.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
It's hard to say since it was such a gradual process. I found I had great conviction in the idea, and that made me question and dismiss the doubts I had held about whether I had seen it. I looked to see if it was only the idea that I believed in or if it was the experience. Early in the process exercises looking at action and intention were some of the most powerful tools for me. Then it was just a process of eliminating all the little things that seemed like self but couldn't be.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
Not at all. It's like falling asleep - pretty much everybody will admit that they don't control the moment sleep comes. It just does. Upon examination I've seen nothing in life that is any different from falling asleep. Life happens, actions and reactions occur. There was no "I" to look past the illusion, looking just occurred. Thoughts arise, actions may or may not follow. I'm finding it quite entertaining to see that process unfold. Awareness sees "There's a thought... oh look! the body is following up on it!"
6) Anything to add?
I know there's so much more to see but it's nice, there's no pressure on "me" to look. It will all just unfold. I'm really grateful to have seen this much already, and for all the guidance I received.
With love,
S
