Looking for a guide

[Jan55]

Today I was just practicing looking throughout the day to see if there is an I there doing anything. Actually, it feels more like a relaxing and dropping the I. I was looking at all the people walking about, and realised that if I I don't have an I, then they don't either. It is amazing that it is all happening, all this movement, everyone busy about their lives with no need for anyone to control it.

I also realise that there is no separation from the natural world. Looking at what’s happening with no one having an I directing them, it is so obvious that we are part of what’s all going on – the same thing that is making the grass grow is what’s making us take this direction or that. I have always thought of humans as separate from the natural environment, but we are connected to it all, even driving around in our cars, or with all our technology we are part of it all. There is also a feeling of acceptance. If no one else has a self, there is no one to take offence at. They are blameless and I am too. I can still feel a connection towards a certain type of personality and avoidance of another, but it’s without making anyone wrong.

[Pallavi]

Yess!

Could you find the boundary of your body again for me?

Can you find a line between here and there?

Is there an inside and outside?

[Jan55]

Hi Pallavi, thanks so much for your encouragement.

I am going to sit with the noticing no I in direct experience for one more day. I feel like I need to settle a bit more to sort of consolidate a bit. I will try the boundary exercise after that. Unless you think I should do otherwise.

[Pallavi]

Sure :) take your time!

[Jan55]

Hi Pallavi,

"Could you find the boundary of your body again for me?"

I can’t find a boundary, except in thoughts. There is just experiencing of body’s sensations, touch pressure, but nothing else. “My” body doesn’t exist in direct experience. There is just this body, whose sensations are felt. I can't feel an outside boundary of my body.

"Can you find a line between here and there?"
I’m not sure what this question means. Do you mean a dividing line? If that’s what you mean, yes, I can feel a separation. Earlier today I realised that the I thought is the cause of separation from life. Without “I” life is directly experienced. So if I feel separation then there is still an I operating here. I also realised that if you aren’t separated from life, then you must be life…that’s only logical. Then I thought that by loosing the “self” I would really loose the individual. That feeling of individuality. I think I could be hanging onto that.

"Is there an inside and outside?"
Do you mean inside and outside of body? I register a feeling I know to be my stomach, but it is experienced the same way that my fingers on the keyboard are experienced. So from direct experience there is no difference to inside and outside of body.

[Pallavi]

Is there an inside and outside of anything?

I mean a line between here and there.

Where can you 'feel' this separation? What is the dividing line for you? Who drew it?

[Jan55]

No, there is no inside or outside of anything. Inside anything is more stuff, and inside that stuff is even more stuff. Outside keeps going in the same way. You can never get to the inside or the outside of anything.

No line between here and there....there is no place where here actually turns into there.

The dividing line I was thinking of was a misunderstanding of your question...I was thinking is there a dividing line between me and things, and I thought, yes, I can notice a space between me and objects. That's the separation I meant.

[Pallavi]

Is that space space, or is it filled with air?

Can 'you' feel 'space'?

[Jan55]

That's true. Nothing is truly empty. So there is an area filled with air between me and objects.

No I can't feel space.

[Pallavi]

But if you find a separation between you and things, then your body has a boundary right?

[Jan55]

It only seems to have a boundary if I regard it as "my" body. If it is just a body it can't exist separately from it's surroundings - so it's not separate in any way.

[Jan55]

Noticing from today: nothing disappears without a self….all is still here. Same life, same circumstances, same personality. Nothing changes, but everything changes.

I am still married but I can’t find being "married". Body isn’t married. Thoughts can’t be married – they are like breath, one after another appearing and disappearing into nothingness. Nothing here to be married, except the experience of being with my husband and I can’t find “married” there, it’s a series of senses, thoughts, experiences – nothing solid that is “married”.

There isn’t a “tree” either in direct experience. There is the shape, feel of bark, but, if you look inside - tear the “tree” open, there is no tree inside, there is wood, sap. I can’t find an “apple”, pick it up, the feel of its skin - that’s not “apple”, bite into it, taste, that’s apple taste, but it’s not “apple”. The core, that’s not “apple”. It’s gone, in my stomach, and it’s not “apple” in there either, now it’s nutrients. “Apple” is a changing experience in my awareness, but no solid “apple” thing through and through to be found.

Can I find a self here? There is body, that can’t be self – it is nothing to do with self – it has it’s own life, breathing, eating, sleeping –it’s busy! Are the senses self? No – there is taste of apple, that’s not self, that’s taste. Is the life that animates the body self? Ah…stuck there. Wait, no that can’t be self, because if it was self, I should be able to control it, but there is a strong feeling there that I identify as self. Can a feeling of “self”be self? Is self just a feeling? Feelings come and go, so there is no solid sense of self in a feeling, but something knows the feelings as they come and go. That’s where I’m confused – I identify as that sense that knows - awareness.

Can’t find “awareness” either, there is seeing, feeling etc. But it’s just there. I shut my eyes – blackness - open them – objects appear and are seen but there isn’t a see-er. The recognition that objects are seen must come through awareness, but I can’t find a place that is awareness of seeing, objects are just seen instantly and are known. Then there is just knowing, no knower.

I just got an image of a little mouse in a maze. I feel like sometimes I go down the wrong path, and get distracted looking down there, then I find my way back and make a little headway, then take a wrong turn again. I feel hopeful that I will get there; I am determined to keep looking and get out of the maze!

[Jan55]

It doesn’t matter how hard I look, all I can find is the direct experience. Is that it?

All there is is experiencing, there isn’t anything else. Can’t find a boundary – there would have to be a place where there was no experiencing for that to happen. There is no inside or outside experience, direct experience is all there is. No self, no apple, no tree, no me, no I. Nothing except direct experience. And experiencing includes the sense of me, I, you, mine and separation.

[Pallavi]

"And experiencing includes the sense of me, I, you, mine and separation."

You just said you found no separation. Where are you experiencing 'me'?

[Jan55]

Yes, I do think there is a boundary between me an objects. I have a feeling of looking out of this body at the world out there.

With my eyes shut, I don’t have an experience of a boundary of my body, in the sense of feeling where my body ends, my skin etc. But with eyes open there are objects in my vision that aren’t a part of my body and I register them as separate from this body.

"Where am I experiencing me?" I can’t point to me, me is not my body, but there is a sense of awareness that seems to be localised to this individual. Only things that this body feels, sees, experiences can be felt here.