Looking for a guide

[Brad]

I have continued to look at thoughts. I haven't been able to find the thinker (I/me), but still wasn't satisfied that it wasn't somewhere.

Then I was looking at my grill outside and noticed the thought grill had the form of the grill behind it. I then looked at the thought I/me and was clearly able to see that there was nothing behind it. This was a more profound failure to find the me than any of my previous attempts and it feels like the grip has been loosened a little. I'm not there yet, but my stubbornness may finally be starting to tire.

[Behzad]

My sense of being has a problem with it. It is a thought, but I am not a thought.

Can you stop thinking for a secound? whats left when thoughts get paused for a secound? Is that wich is left a thought? The sense of being is that a thought? Is that sense of being personal? Where is the owner of the sense of being?

I have continued to look at thoughts. I haven't been able to find the thinker (I/me), but still wasn't satisfied that it wasn't somewhere.

If you belive the thinker is somwhere then keep looking until you are 120% sure if there really is a thinker or not. All that can be seen is thoughts, thinker was maybe a assumption, something we thought were there? But when you really look for the thinker, what do you find? Look exactly at that place where you thought the thinker were, what do you find there?

Try a little experiment:

Think about youre past, go through a scenario from youre past that you remember. Now, look and see if there is a thinker or is there just thoughts happening?

I/you must be the thinker, right. Is I/You part of the thoughts or is I/You thinking the thoughts?
If I/you is part of the thoughts can that I/You thought think thoughts?

Then I was looking at my grill outside and noticed the thought grill had the form of the grill behind it. I then looked at the thought I/me and was clearly able to see that there was nothing behind it. This was a more profound failure to find the me than any of my previous attempts and it feels like the grip has been loosened a little. I'm not there yet, but my stubbornness may finally be starting to tire.

Really good Brad, there is nothing behind I.

Grill points to the grill. I points to?? I thoughts, feelings maybe, the body maybe, the sense of being maybe, maybe memorys, maybe some characteristic manners etc. But where is the actual I?
If the actual I/Me cant be seen, touched, tasted, smelled, heard, felt, can it be real? Can it really exist?

Look into these questions and let me know whats being seen.

And very good Brad that you keep on looking for the I. Keep doing that until all doubts resolves about if there is a I/Me or not. Very good. Keep digging, keep pushing it more. You are on the right track...

[Brad]

Hi Behzad,

I have been travelling and on the go for the past couple of days. Every chance I get, I continue to look for the eye to get to 120% certaintly it's nowhere to be found. I have been struggling with stopping thinking. Every time I try to do it, thoughts seem to appear even more.

I will be spending some quiet time out in nature tomorrow and I think I will have a better chance to look without distractions. I will hopefully get to answer the rest of the questions tomorrow too. I just don't want to rush it by using specultion of what I think my experience would be without thoughts. I want to actually look at it. Will be back with update soon.

Thanks, Brad

[Behzad]

Thats totally fine Brad. No problem.

I just don't want to rush it by using specultion of what I think my experience would be without thoughts. I want to actually look at it. Will be back with update soon.

Appreciate this, this is the key, so keep looking.

Stay with the questions I have asked and this isnt rocket science, its really simple. There is no self, has never been and will never be. Let this sink in, see if this is true?

Lots of love to you, keep digging.
Behzad

[Behzad]

How are things going Brad?

[Brad]

Can you stop thinking for a secound? whats left when thoughts get paused for a secound? Is that wich is left a thought? The sense of being is that a thought? Is that sense of being personal? Where is the owner of the sense of being?

When I am able to stop thinking, only perception is left. No thoughts are left. The sense of being isn't there, but there is no sense of not being either. It seems to only show up when I am looking for it. It's implied all other times. I still can't find an owner of the sense of being and I know I won't find it. Just waiting to finally believe the owner isn't there.

Think about youre past, go through a scenario from youre past that you remember. Now, look and see if there is a thinker or is there just thoughts happening

The thoughts just appear because I can't find the thinker. There was an intention to think of a past memory. I can't find an owner of the intention either.

I/you must be the thinker, right. Is I/You part of the thoughts or is I/You thinking the thoughts?
If I/you is part of the thoughts can that I/You thought think thoughts?

I thoughts are part of other thoughts. I cannot think thoughts because I am a thought.

Grill points to the grill. I points to?? I thoughts, feelings maybe, the body maybe, the sense of being maybe, maybe memorys, maybe some characteristic manners etc. But where is the actual I?
If the actual I/Me cant be seen, touched, tasted, smelled, heard, felt, can it be real? Can it really exist?

When I am looking at it, I points to nothing. In my daily life I points to all the things you mentioned. The I can't be found then either but it is assumed to be there. I'm still trying to get to 120% certainty that I can't find the I.

[Behzad]

I still can't find an owner of the sense of being and I know I won't find it. Just waiting to finally believe the owner isn't there.

You dont need to believe this. Have a look and see. If I ask you if there is a dinosaur in you room, what do you need to do? Have a look in the room, right? And probabaly you will see there is no Dinosaur in the room. Now, do you need to sit and wait to beleive if there is a Dinosaur in the room? Do you see this Brad, its a yes or no question. The answer is right here, just have a look to verify, confirm whats really here and whats not.

So have a look again, look at that place you really feel/think/belive you/Brad is and say what you see/find? Do you find a owner for this apparatus called Brad?

The thoughts just appear because I can't find the thinker. There was an intention to think of a past memory. I can't find an owner of the intention either.

Beautiful, what does this mean? If there is no thinker, there is no you, right?

I thoughts are part of other thoughts. I cannot think thoughts because I am a thought.

Niceeeee.....

When I am looking at it, I points to nothing. In my daily life I points to all the things you mentioned. The I can't be found then either but it is assumed to be there. I'm still trying to get to 120% certainty that I can't find the I.

Keep checking, keep looking if there is any doubt that there may be a I/Brad here. Keep looking until you are 120% certain.

Its like I ask you, do you have any milk in the fridge, you go and have a look and say no there was no milk in the fridge. A few secounds later you cant belive that there is no milk in the fridge, so strange you may think, you have always had milk in the fridge since long time back. So you start to doubt what has been seen : )

So now I say go and have another look, is there a milk (Self/I) in the fridge (here)? This time take a careful look so it knocks out all the doubts thats left. Take a real proper look this time so if doubts may arise, you can just laugh at them, because now you know whats true and whats not.

[Brad]

You dont need to believe this. Have a look and see. If I ask you if there is a dinosaur in you room, what do you need to do? Have a look in the room, right? And probabaly you will see there is no Dinosaur in the room. Now, do you need to sit and wait to beleive if there is a Dinosaur in the room? Do you see this Brad, its a yes or no question. The answer is right here, just have a look to verify, confirm whats really here and whats not.

So have a look again, look at that place you really feel/think/belive you/Brad is and say what you see/find? Do you find a owner for this apparatus called Brad?

It seems absurd when you put it this way. Of course there's no dinosaur. I don't see me either, but still having trouble accepting it. I am going to keep looking until it sinks in that I'm not the one looking.

One of the things I can't get past is that I am looking for what I am. These are old habbits from things I've read before and I think that if I can see that I AM awareness/consciousness, then I will finally accept that there is no me. I'm trying to drop this expectation and having trouble with it. I notice that everything occurs in awareness. I get the sense that I am the awareness, but still separate from other people's awareness. I know this is off track, but this is where my mind keeps going.

[Behzad]

Its fine, I appreciate youre honesty.

It seems absurd when you put it this way. Of course there's no dinosaur. I don't see me either, but still having trouble accepting it. I am going to keep looking until it sinks in that I'm not the one looking.

Are you expecting to see something? Something drastic that will confirm/verify who you are? Are you expecting to see who you are?

One of the things I can't get past is that I am looking for what I am. These are old habbits from things I've read before and I think that if I can see that I AM awareness/consciousness, then I will finally accept that there is no me.

Yes this is what I felt to, that you are expecting to see who you are. To be really honest, you cant see who you are Brad. Thats not possible. How do you want to see something that has no form, shape, size nothing, NADA? To keep looking for seeing who you are is like a dog chasing its own tail. It will go round and round but never get the tail. Metaphorically speaking there is no tail to see/find.

So try to put aside everything you have heard, read from other teachers. See for youre self whats right and whats not right. This is simple to clarify so answer a few questions and dont expect anything and we will see if this becomes clear.

Look into this question and look carefully and let me know whats seen.

Is there a knowing/seeing of awareness/consciousness? Experientillay is awareness/consciousness appearing in front of you?
Or is awareness/consciousness that wich sees/knows everything? That wich evrything appears in front of?

Answer only from what you experience not what you have heard/read. I dont want any answer from what other teachers have said. Only from what you see, what you experience.

Love
Behzad

[Brad]

Are you expecting to see something? Something drastic that will confirm/verify who you are? Are you expecting to see who you are?

I'm not sure what I was expecting to see, but I was expecting something that would verify what I am (or not). I am letting go of these expectations.

Is there a knowing/seeing of awareness/consciousness? Experientillay is awareness/consciousness appearing in front of you?
Or is awareness/consciousness that wich sees/knows everything? That wich evrything appears in front of?

Experientially, awareness/consciousness is doing the seeing and is what everything appears in. I see that I have not been looking at my direct experience up to this point. I have been analyzing everything and thinking I was looking at direct experience. For example, my eyes were closed and I had an itch. The hand scratched the itch without anything controlling the hand. While this happened a thought visualized the hand scratching as if it were real and I had been believing this. I realize now that in direct experience, there is no hand and no body. They are just thoughts. There were really only sensations in direct experience that the thoughts attached to. Does this sound correct, or am I analyzing again?

[Behzad]

Experientially, awareness/consciousness is doing the seeing and is what everything appears in

Is there a you that can be awareness and not be awareness sometimes?
Explore awareness a little bit. The label Awareness can give a sense of something substantial. As if there is something there. If you forget the label awareness for a while and have a look at that place you label as awareness. Do you see any Brad there? Do you see a seperate self there? Is it anyone there?

For example, my eyes were closed and I had an itch. The hand scratched the itch without anything controlling the hand. While this happened a thought visualized the hand scratching as if it were real and I had been believing this. I realize now that in direct experience, there is no hand and no body. They are just thoughts. There were really only sensations in direct experience that the thoughts attached to. Does this sound correct, or am I analyzing again?

Yes you are on the right track. Have a look at decisions today. See if you can go out for a walk and see if you are doing the walking or is walking happening and then there is thoughts about you doing the walking. Is that thought/story really doing anything? Or is it happening spontaneously/naturally?

No matter what is happening talking, walking, doing the dishes, being in toilet, brushing the teeth etc. See if there is any doer in anything that is being done? See if you can see how everything happens by itself. And then there is a story/thoughts about I did this, I did that. Can you see that I/me do anything in direct experience? See how everything is happening without you. You are just a story that comes and goes in thought but can you see that you that comes and goes in direct experience? Everytime I thoughts pop up do you see the I in youre experience coming and going?

Let me know how this went : )

[Brad]

Is there a you that can be awareness and not be awareness sometimes?
Explore awareness a little bit. The label Awareness can give a sense of something substantial. As if there is something there. If you forget the label awareness for a while and have a look at that place you label as awareness. Do you see any Brad there? Do you see a seperate self there? Is it anyone there?

In direct experience me cannot be found. Only thoughts of me.

No matter what is happening talking, walking, doing the dishes, being in toilet, brushing the teeth etc. See if there is any doer in anything that is being done? See if you can see how everything happens by itself. And then there is a story/thoughts about I did this, I did that. Can you see that I/me do anything in direct experience? See how everything is happening without you. You are just a story that comes and goes in thought but can you see that you that comes and goes in direct experience? Everytime I thoughts pop up do you see the I in youre experience coming and going?

I have been trying to look at every activity that I do to try to answer this. Most of the time there does seem to be a doer, but there have been several instances where it is happening by itself. I will keep looking at this because I am still adjusting to looking at direct experience properly and it seems to be getting easier as time goes by.

[Behzad]

In direct experience me cannot be found. Only thoughts of me.

Good. But you say that there seem to be a doer most of the time. I want you to look at those moments and localize the doer. Where is the doer? Every situation that you might feel like there is a doer, look in to that situation and see if you can find the doer?

Where is the doer?

Just take one thing you would like to do and do that several times, repeat whatever you might be doing a few times and really have a look if there is any you doing it or is it just happening?

Do you see any one do anything in direct experience or do you just see the doing happening?

Really have a look how actions happens then tell me how actions come about? Put some time on this today so you can find out if there is a doer or not.

[Brad]

Good. But you say that there seem to be a doer most of the time. I want you to look at those moments and localize the doer. Where is the doer? Every situation that you might feel like there is a doer, look in to that situation and see if you can find the doer?

Every time I have been able to catch myself getting caught up as the doer, I cannot find one when I look for it.

Just take one thing you would like to do and do that several times, repeat whatever you might be doing a few times and really have a look if there is any you doing it or is it just happening?

Do you see any one do anything in direct experience or do you just see the doing happening?

I went for a four mile jog. Running was just happening and no doer could be found. To further test this, I kept thinking "stop running" over and over, but running wouldn't stop. I now realize at the time I thought I was the one intentionally making the thought "stop running".

Later on during my jog I had the most direct experience I have had so far. All that was occuring was seeing, hearing, sensations, and thoughts. A thought of something in the past came up and I realized that while the content of the thought was of the past, the thought itself was occuring right now in direct experience. This, of course, was another thought.

[Behzad]

Later on during my jog I had the most direct experience I have had so far. All that was occuring was seeing, hearing, sensations, and thoughts. A thought of something in the past came up and I realized that while the content of the thought was of the past, the thought itself was occuring right now in direct experience. This, of course, was another thought.

Good observation.

Are you doing the seeing?
Hearing?
Feeling?
Smelling?
Tasting?

Are you bringing about all your thoughts?

If there is a you, can you please stop any of these for 1 minute?

Is it becoming clearer that there is no you and have never been?