Need guidance and reassurance

[ali]

Having a spiritual awakening. Have felt completly lost. Been through lots of fear.

Settling down.

Wonder where the motivation will come from?

What happens next?

[Chris]

Having a spiritual awakening. Have felt completly lost. Been through lots of fear.

Hello Ali, I'm Chris. Can you please describe this spiritual awakening that you are having?

Wonder where the motivation will come from?

Motivation for what exactly?

[ali]

Motivation for anything? Sometimes I feel I could just sit and look out of the window forever, never do anything.

There is a thickness to the moment. Like forgetting everything.
When everything was collapsing- there was tremendous fear and apprehension.

I felt a profound sense of instability- this is settling now- sort of neutral feeling.

[Chris]

Motivation for anything? Sometimes I feel I could just sit and look out of the window forever, never do anything.

But is that what actually happens? You still take care of your needs, correct?

There is a thickness to the moment. Like forgetting everything.
When everything was collapsing- there was tremendous fear and apprehension.

I felt a profound sense of instability- this is settling now- sort of neutral feeling.

Can you describe the experience/realization that made everything collapse?

[ali]

There was this great disorientation. There was a lot a fear.

You kind of felt like you were falling apart, it felt horrible.

You take one day at a time, and do whats infront of you. You wonder whats happenning.

Things falling away- not quite sure which bits- but there is this loss. And fear of the loss.

For 8 weeks \i was just sort of bewildered caught in a daze.

Not paralzed, I still functioned but greatly slowed down. There is no ground to stand on. You are in free fall.

Its not depression, There's a confusion and fear about what to do next.

I felt lost. Now there's an emptiness- like absolutly nothing is happenning.

There is this sense of not knowing what to do.

Yet the space I'm in is peaceful- very thick and deep.

It's not there all the time. I have wondered if it will stabilize in time.

It's there a lot of the time.

I feel kind of not there- absent.

[ali]

Everything's collapsed.

[Chris]

It sounds like the content of your thoughts has changed. I am assuming that all of your senses are still functioning as usual, it's just the interpretation of what is experienced that is different.

Do you know what triggered this shift? Were you reading or contemplating anything before this shift? Meditating?

Very obviously things are still happening. It's just your thoughts and and your feelings about them that has changed. We'll figure this out together. It would help to know what precisely you feel is wrong or causing fear about this new way of experiencing life.

[ali]

I've been meditating for 20 years- breath meditation. Whilst I've visited this place before- this is a shift to a new place.

The fear I feel is caused by everything collapsing all the structures of mind/ego. The ego is still there. What I feel is happening is that I am being detached from ego.

All the fear and panic is passing. I'm not in the space all the time, less so now. It's less available- but still there.

Some days are warmer other days are cooler.

The difficulty of the process was the fear- the internal collapse.

It's not stabilized.

My question is will it stabilize.

Things are settling I suppose. The internal chaos is settling.

Unsure of what to do next.

I think a large part of it is ego's reaction to it.

Maybe, there is period of adjustment. After all the chaos of it, time is needed to settle things down. Things have been re-configured, changed- not sure how- but it's all different.
I've also been wiped out physically. A few weeks ago, I slept 10/11 hours a night of very deep sleep.

There was this big worry then, of turning into a vegetable. Just staring into space- peaceful but not doing anything.
That hasn't happenned- but doing things are very diferent.

I feel less lost. I feel there is a period of adjustment going on. Maybe energies settling down.

How I've handled it is, to feel whatever comes up. Then take one day at a time, and do whats infront of me.

Sometimes I feel the thickness, presence very thickly- very strong- it's very peaceful. Other times not so strong.

I feel it has been a very difficult experience. But I'm aware of these 2 levels- soul and ego.

I still don't really know what it all means- but thats an ego thing. Thats got better- becasue the ego couldn't control it or get any answers.

So right now, I feel emptied out.

Just neutral..

It's like I've been through an internal earthquake. All very confusing, jarring.

[Chris]

Fear can definitely arise when everything we thought we knew about life and how it works is called into question. I remember feeling like I was dying or that something bad was going to happen if/when I saw through the illusion of self. It was a while back so it's hard to remember the intensity of the experience, but I definitely went through some rough patches as well.

Because you stated that you've been to LU previously, I'd like it if you could answer the confirmation questions so we can gauge where you are with your realization.

1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.

3) How does it feel to see this?

4) How would you describe it to somebody who is very interested, but has never heard about this illusion.

5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

You are doing well. Allowing the feelings that arise and feeling them completely tends to neutralize their intensity. Things will continue to settle down. With these sorts of realizations, motivation for many activities diminishes as the drama of life we are used to is seen for what it is. Contentment comes easier when ego no longer constantly demands to be fed. I look forward to your answers, take care!

[Chris]

Hello Ali,

Hope all is well with you!

I thought you meant you had been to Liberation Unleashed previously when you said, "I have visited this place before" in your previous post. I posted those questions hoping you would describe in more detail the realization that has set off the collapse that you speak of.

I assume you chose to post because you feel what you have experienced is the "no self" realization that is pointed to here. Feel free to ignore the questions and post in whatever way you prefer. I am interested in hearing more details about your experience.

[Chris]

I've been meditating for 20 years- breath meditation. Whilst I've visited this place before- this is a shift to a new place.

I view this sort of thing as a perceptual shift rather than a new place.

The fear I feel is caused by everything collapsing all the structures of mind/ego. The ego is still there. What I feel is happening is that I am being detached from ego.

Ego is not a solid thing. It's no more than a mental construct.

All the fear and panic is passing. I'm not in the space all the time, less so now. It's less available- but still there.

It's not a space, but a different way of perceiving.

My question is will it stabilize.

The new way of perceiving will stabilize as experience is understood in light of the new view.

Unsure of what to do next.

Replying to the posts here would be a start...

I think a large part of it is ego's reaction to it.

Again, ego is not a solid, inherently existent thing. Thoughts about experience have changed.

But I'm aware of these 2 levels- soul and ego.

Soul and ego are not actual things. They are concepts only.

Just neutral..

Is feeling neutral a problem?

[ali]

Thank you for youe reply. Sorry I haven't been on everyday, but it was difficult.

Will try to get on more regurlarly.

When I said I had been here before- I meant this space. It was last year- but it didn't last.

I will consider your questions , and reply soon.

Today is a cool day. I don't feel the space very strongly.

[ali]

I realize the ego is a learned conceptual structure.

What I experienced is that it is still there- even when I'm in, I now know its not real.

I am aware of this other space beyond ego- which is quiet spacious- thick. Often it's very soothing too.

But my experience is I go between the two. It's not stable really.

[Chris]

I realize the ego is a learned conceptual structure.

Is there anything that you know about life and how it works that is not a "learned comceptual structure"?

What I experienced is that it is still there- even when I'm in, I now know its not real.

The point isn't to get rid of the ego or avoid it, but to simply see it for what it is and is not.

I am aware of this other space beyond ego- which is quiet spacious- thick. Often it's very soothing too.

But my experience is I go between the two. It's not stable really.

Is this a space that is experienced or just a lack of egoic thoughts? What do you think has to happen for experience to stabalize? Is experience ever stable, or is there always a flux of ever changing sensations and thoughts from moment to moment?

[ali]

Yes, I see what you are saying is true- when I'm in the space.

I don't mean to be contentious. But I'm not in that space all the time. I fall back. I realize it is ego.

What I can say with certainty is that I know, I am not my ego, as an experience.

I'm tired out. The spiritual awkening deconstructed everything. Now what.

I have a strong sense to keep meditating.

oh , I don't know. Tired.