Hello John,
Let's see what we have here:
1) Is there a 'me', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever? how about self, is there anything that is separate from everything else?
"Me, a name I call myself" -Do-Re-Mi
Me is a label for Self and Self a label for thoughts pointing to experience. Self is a construct of the mind. It consists entirely of thoughts. There is no being or entity behind the sense of self. There is no separate self. The illusion of self happens when thoughts of self are perceived as a real entity.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
The automated process of the mind constantly labels everything that is experienced by the body (the mind/body relationship). When there is pain the mind labels it as "I hurt", joy = 'I'm happy", anger = "I'm mad". Even thoughts are given ownership to the centralized experience as in "I think...". Eventually this story is believed. Experience is experienced from the perspective of the imaginary self; much like the narrator of a story. I suspect this illusion begins with the use of, and is entirely dependent on, language.
3) How does it feel to see this? describe in detail.
Relief that the seeking is over. If there is no seeker there can be no one seeking. Contentment. The feeling there is nothing to search for, no secret to expose. I believe there is still a great deal yet to experience but it will come by itself. There is no self who has to make those experiences happen.
4) How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
I might first discuss the philosophy, logic and science behind it. I might explain how it has been pointed to throughout the ages in every school of art, thought and religion. I would lastly direct them to look for themselves and explain how utterly simple it is.
5) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
Looking back it was that moment when I deeply entertained the idea there was no self and was struck with that "I'm about to die" level of fear. Up until then I believed I had no fear of liberation. I had so often contemplated the idea of losing myself, of dying as the price to pay for seeing the truth, I was convinced there was absolutely no fear left in me. I thought I was willing to give up everything for the truth; career, family, security. And then with that one moment of fear it became clear it was all a story; a big fat lie I told myself to hide me from the truth. Afterwords is when I think no-self became a reality and not just another concept. It was even further solidified by the sadness experienced at the loss of "self control".
6) When you say "I", what are you referring to?
"I" refers to the story of Robert. It is a label to the memories and processes that seem to revolve around this central experience. It's an organizational tool much like naming a folder on your computer so you can later find the files you store. Without the use of the label "I" things would get rather confusing in a hurry.
7) Is there an experiencer experiencing, or is there only experience?
With no self there can be no experiencer. There is only the illusion of experiencer because experience appears to be centralized to the body. When a car is seen it is from the perspective of the eyes. If a bird chirps it is experienced from the perspective of the ears. Experience or awareness is complex in that it requires both subject and object to be present. If there is no one in the forest to hear the tree fall then there is no sound. Conversely, if no tree falls when there is someone there to hear it there also is no sound.
8) Actually look. Does experience belong to the body, or does the body belong to experience?
Neither, experience belongs to itself.
9) What did you experience at the moment you awoke?
Oddly worded question... one that would imply there was someone to awake. Now if we are referring to the moment the illusion of self was seen thru then there wasn't one. No aha moment here. I wish there was. It would make for a much more interesting story.
10) Describe your experience in the hours and days following awakening.
There is a lightness to life that previously wasn't there. The most noticeable change in experience is during "zen practice". I was never a big fan of formal sitting meditation so a few years ago I decided to try meditating all the time - while walking, sitting, driving, whenever. The main focus was in trying to stop the thinking process. I actually got pretty good at stilling the mind for minutes at a time. Yet it always required effort, great effort in fact. Enough effort it would make the head hurt. Since seeing through the illusion there has been a noticeable shift in the experience of this exercise. It comes with ease now. No more headaches. Yesterday in particular there was an almost bliss like feeling while doing the exercise. I can remember saying it was the closest I've come to the eye opening experience of 8 years ago. I was walking around feeling electrified, goosebumps covering my body.
So there it is. I will be happy to elaborate further if there are any questions. I look forward to working on anything you feel I may have missed.
Warm Regards,
Robert
