I am so much more

[maya8383]

On Wikipedia, look at Notable Experiments for Libet.

That's interesting.

It was a busy weekend, time to rest. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

[maya8383]

Hi Stacy, hope you're well.

Nothing much to share here, after a few busy days, I came back to my farm, was happy to come back to my routine, nature and silence so I streched, meditated and just relaxed. To relieve the pressure in head, hips and back. There is heaviness in general, but I keep reminding myself that's just thoughts and lies, I know I cannot force anything so coming back to present moment by noticing sensations throughout the day.

My mind is saying I'm lost and disoriented, I have started my life from the scratch last year, by quitting my whole career and moving to the countryside with my partner, there's a lot of searching for meaning and figuring out how to make money for living. I guess that's the surface cause of fear that's been constant for some time now, fear of not having enough for living. Searching for safety in general. Working hard on my farm, I keep reminding myself that everything will work out because I actually love now what I do, first time in my life, I never loved my corporate 9to5 job and I surely cannot go back again to that.

That's bits of my story I wanted to share, might shed some light to why I feel that constant heaviness and pressure in my head. I understand story is not relevant but it triggers the fear, and that's just where I am at now.

[Anastacia42]

Good morning & good luck,

That's probably just the lie feeling. Remember this?

Lies are usually felt in the heart or solar plexus as a contraction that we may label as tight, heavy or tense.

In contrast, truth is usually expansive. We may call it loose, light or relaxed.

Play around with different thoughts & see if it shifts.

Try "There is no 'self'" for example.

Loving,

[maya8383]

That's probably just the lie feeling. Remember this?

Lies are usually felt in the heart or solar plexus as a contraction that we may label as tight, heavy or tense.

In contrast, truth is usually expansive. We may call it loose, light or relaxed.

Yes, I remember. I am paying attention to it whenever I catch myself in doubtful thoughts, it does feel like I'm contracting and feeling heaviness.

And thoughts like 'there's no self' and similar don't feel like that, feels lighter, it is subtle though so I'm doubting it again then doubt nullifies it, ah.

It's stressful day again so I need to sit with it more when I'll be more relaxed

Thanks Stacy

[Anastacia42]

Good morning.

stressful day

All due respect to your feelings & stories, you may want to take a look here & see what's creating a belief in "stress "

Or not. It's up to you.

Loving,

[maya8383]

I desperately want to look. But how? I was just saying while I was walking 'who is stressed out, Maja?' but whenever I inquire like that it gets me nowhere

Then, I put my attention in the body but nothing to find there, apart from usual heaviness at belly area, throat and/or head. But then I'm not sure what to do with it? I feel that, and then something else happens externally, and attention goes back to head again to yet another task/problem/challenge solving...

I feel like I'm going in circle for quite some time with this pattern, not sure what I should do, or maybe I'm trying to much or who knows what

[Anastacia42]

LOOK with your eyes.

Do you see a "self?" in Direct Experience?


Explore ‘Sense of Self’

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

You don't have to do them again, but LOOK. What do they point to? [/color]

Loving,

[maya8383]

Thanks for the excercise Stacy, I took some time to observe and look last night, I put answers on the paper, I will retype them as soon as I get some sleep.
My dog is in a lot of pain last two days and I'm not getting sleep at all. Just so you know, it might take me a day or two to respond

[Anastacia42]

Sounds good. I hope your doggie is okay.

Loving

[maya8383]

Hey Stacy,

Thank you for caring and warm wishes.. She's slowly getting better. She underwent a rough procedure on Wednesday and needs 24/7 care. My partner and I are taking care of her in shifts.

But I do have moments when she falls asleep and I'm sitting there, observing thoughts and the self. It's challenging because the mind is frantic when I'm physically drained. I heard someone say recently, “What's a bad day for your ego is always a good day for your soul.” And that stuck with me. 😊

Do you see a "self?" in Direct Experience?

I see a body, and my environment. And that someone/something is looking through my eyes, I can't look at it with my eyes as it's not outside. I feel it inside. But then, as you've said - feeling something to be true and seeing it is or is not is different. Great statement, I needed that!

That story with the lost keys reminded me of a very recent event. Last weekend, I forgot my phone charger at my family home, where I had stayed. I came back home and looked for the charger in my backpack, but it wasn't there. I could swear I had taken it with me. I remembered putting it in my rucksack, looked three times, and I was so frustrated that it wasn't there for at least five minutes. just couldn't accept the fact that the charger wasn't there. I was lost in mad thoughts.

When I came back to my senses after those five minutes, I couldn't believe how angry I'd gotten at myself for forgetting a charger. I've got like five of them at home! That madness was so unnecessary, but it took over. I didn't stand a chance. Crazy!

Control is my huge obstacle. The biggest one. I am aware of that, and I know where it comes from, but unfortunately, that doesn't dissolve it. Forgetting a charger might seem like a minor thing to someone, but that little thingy can activate me just like that. I can now see why it's so difficult for me to drop the sense of self. Who would then be in control if not MYself?! Hmm. Interesting.

My observations on that topic:

Does the sense of self have a location?

I cannot find a location, there's only experience of seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, feeling, thoughts. That experience seems to be how the sense of self expresses itself in this world.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

No, not in conventional sense. Like, it is not an object/form. I cannot grasp how it would have a shape/size. It is not physical for sure. That is, I know intuitively that the sense of self is not my body. That the body is not driving my existence.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

I've never heard a word from it. Seems like it just is, it's the driving force of my existence.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

It's formless, quiet, permanent. I can recall that same sense from when i was a child. The same thing, which is no thing, was staring out through my eyes, I have that same feeling now when looking. It never changed. But that is such a subtle feeling, obscured by a lot of conditioning. In my case - that sense of self had grey lenses all my life. Just 2 years ago, I thought life is like that, dull, heavy and grey. I understand now that's just a filter. It's still here, but it's slowly fading away.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

It's made of all of the above. But it exists without all of those, too. It is bigger/deeper than all of those.

What is found?

While I was observing, looking and answering questions - I realised how strange my answers were. I am obviously not describing (false) sense of self, but something much more mysterious and deeper. Am I mistaking a sense of self for the 'I am' sense or something? :) I'm curious to see your obervations on this.

[Anastacia42]

Am I mistaking a sense of self for the 'I am' sense or something?

"Self" is nothing but the contraction lie feeling plus thoughts, labels, which are lies.

That's why I keep instructing you to LOOK. This means LOOK with your eyes.

It is not difficult. It is not mysterious. In actual fact there is NOTHING THERE.

The *idea* of "self" is a lie feeling of contraction plus the lie thought of a "self." That's it.

What you may be referring to is what we call, "awareness," but only because we want to call it something. Some people call it "consciousness, " but that word gets used a lot. I live in a place where even a brand of coffee is called "Conscious Coffee" So I prefer "awareness. "

Awareness is not a "self."

This will make no sense at all to you until you drop all thinking and actually see it. Until then It is all concepts.


"Enlightenment is an accident. Meditation makes us accident prone."

Sunryu Suzuki

We cannot predict it and we cannot make it happen. We can only practice the conditions in which it is more likely.

This frustrates the mind because it wants everything to be linear and logical and step-by-step, but this is not. It is non linear and unpredictable.

There is no control, only a thought story told after the fact.

The quicker you drop the expectation of linear predictability, the quicker you create the conditions for seeing no self.

Above all, do not *believe* anything. Just LOOK

Much love,

[maya8383]

Great guidance, thanks!

I'll keep looking with my eyes and without the mind!

I will go back to practicing ButChair excercise, too. I never gave it a chance. I will come back to you when I'll have something to share.

[Anastacia42]

Good.

It is better to post regularly even if it's the same. Every day or every other day. Not just when your mind thinks "there's something to share. "

It helps keep momen going

Loving

[maya8383]

Makes sense. Will do so!

[maya8383]

That's why I keep instructing you to LOOK. This means LOOK with your eyes.

It is not difficult. It is not mysterious. In actual fact there is NOTHING THERE.

I am looking everywhere, inside and outside, especially in moments when there's a contraction. I cannot find it. Of course I cannot, since there's nothing to find. Also, there's an opening and relaxation when seeing there's nothing there. But that lasts only a couple of seconds at most before the sense of "I" takes over. It's frustrating. It feels like I'm getting nowhere.