seeking freedom

[danielak]

Hi Becca,

Getting back to the routine makes it easier to be focused and centered. That makes it easier to see that it's all thoughts. This rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts that makes no sense. Looking back (the past, which I know is not direct experience) the crisis, the confusion, were all fantasy.
The other day, there was also a different perspective on the craving. Allowing the craving to be there, which even hearing this so many times, understanding conceptually that the key is allowing all, including craving and guilt. For some reason there wasn't this ability to surrender to it. And I guess now there was a little opening for it.

[graceabounds]

Is there someone doing ‘allowing’?

What does ‘a little opening’ feel like? How is it known?

[danielak]

Is there someone doing ‘allowing’?

That's a good point. It was something different that happened, but it wasn't me allowing. It just happened.

What does ‘a little opening’ feel like? How is it known?

This goes back to the difficulty of describing physical sensations related to emotional states. I can't recall what I felt exactly, but what I could notice was the difference of thinking patterns. I guess what I meant by a little opening it was a way of seeing the same thing from a different perspective. I could say that I felt more relaxed, but this a general statement, I can't tell if my breathing have changed, if the pressure in my chest was different...
Is it fair to say that what I can notice in direct experience is the change in thinking patterns? because this's something that I can for sure see that changes.

[graceabounds]

Haha nope.

Direct Experience is:
Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (not emotion - emotion is sensation plus thoughts/labels)
Tasting
Smelling
Thoughts Arising (but not their content, what the thought is ABOUT)

We are only interested in Direct Experience, the experience right now and right here.

Bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
Then bring up a thought about a character labeled "stranger".

Compare these thoughts.

Is there a difference in these thoughts?
Is there a true difference or is it just different content?

Now, bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
After that, look at a thought about the character labeled "me”.

Is there a difference?
Is there anything special about thoughts with the content "me-character"?

[danielak]

Hi Becca,

Of course! You're right. Thinking it's a direct experience, but not the content of it. So there is no difference in terms os direct experience if I think about a friend, a stranger and me, they're just thoughts.

Is there anything special about thoughts with the content "me-character"?

It seems they do, because of the identification with it. But again, they're just thoughts.
And again, we have talked about this many times, but It's just intriguing how difficult it's to describe the body sensation caused by a thought, like the exercise you gave me about true thoughts and lies or fearful thoughts and happy thoughts, anyway...
One thing that I have been doing recently is asking "Who am I?", and the mind goes blank. And when I ask "what is real?" immediately I'm just present to what is happening now, the direct experience

[graceabounds]

One thing that I have been doing recently is asking "Who am I?", and the mind goes blank

Can that be enough?

The answer in the non answer…?


What is real?

Or
What is here?

or
What is this?

or
What is?

[danielak]

Those are good questions! And you made a point that was important. I was waiting for an answer.
When you ask

Can that be enough?

maybe I was expecting a clear answer.
However, when it's asked what is real, makes easier to distinguish what is imagination and what is really happening right now.
I just experimented asking what is real, and interestingly besides the direct experience, it crossed my mind that the confusion that I was feeling was real, or the sadness. And at this point I noticed something. First, that it's easy to know the "right" answer, if it's a thought it's not real, but then I don't really look to find out. And second, that some thoughts are easy to say that it's just a thought, and how "automatically" the mind makes others feel very real. My first reaction was to say that yes, the sadness or confusion were real. They're still feeling real right now, but when I really look there are just thoughts passing by and sensations in the body....
Also, I can go as far as "What is here?", but when you ask "what is this? or "what is" it becomes a bit too abstract to me...(or better say, to this mind)

[graceabounds]

Great.

Can you catch the moment when the label 'sadness' or 'confusion' is added to the sensation?

What is here right now, before you decide what any of it means?

[danielak]

Right now I don't feel sad or confused. This morning I could see the old habits of getting busy, finding things to do, but when I stop and and look at right now, thoughts stops for a sec, I'm focused on the experience, in what is happening: hearing, seeing, typing, thinking. When I look to what is happening at this moment, the old habit of being busy stops and I'm just experiencing the present moment.
Many times when I try to catch the emotions and look at them, this also happens. There is a shift of focus, and here and now, there just sensations, it feels very alive (describing what is happening right now) the hearing and body sensations are very vivid, there is noticing of the breathing, noticing of thoughts and typing. that's all. The emotion is vanished. However, the thoughts that comes is : am I bypassing the emotions? because when the focus from the present moment they go away. But at the momento I get lost in my thoughts again all these old patterns and emotions come back, and when I stop to try to look at them, I can't find anything because I experience what I just describe.

[graceabounds]

It isn’t a bypass.
Emotion = Sensation + Thought

When present with sensations in the gap between thoughts there isn’t sufficient story to produce emotion.

Seeing through thought, or non-ownership of the thought, can also break the chain.

Take a look now and see if there is someone to “get lost in my thoughts”?

[danielak]

Hi Becca,

I was reflecting on your question yesterday, and actually the question that came to me was "who is thinking?" and that had a profound impact on me. It was like having a moment of really stopping and questioning who was having the thoughts, where were they coming from, who was deciding what thought to have (all the things that you have been telling me over and over). but now, somehow was revealing. It felt as if I could understand what you were trying to say to me a layer deeper. It was something very subtle. But for a moment I stopped blaming myself for not being able to change my thoughts, or not doing things that I believe I should be doing, or feeling what I didn't want to feel. For a moment I could see that there wasn't anyone choosing to think, to see or feel this or that. The best way to describe what I felt is as if I have found a flaw in the system. It's still running, no big shifts, but now there is opening to questioning it, and somehow softened this power of the mind. I'll keep questioning it and see how it goes today..
Thank you!

[graceabounds]

Very good.
It doesn't need to be some explosive insight to be the key to seeing through the self illusion. This whole 'game' is really very simple.

[danielak]

I hear you, but it's not that it became totally clear that I don't exist, but more like identifying a flaw in the system. Today I was anxious, a few things going on in my personal life, including this process! And there wasn't' this clearness about "there is no-one thinking". it was as used to be, being entangled in the anxiety. To be honest, it wasn't the same, there is something going on that I can't describe, a different anxiety, confusion, I'm a bit lost, sometimes I want to cry and isolate myself. and I believe it can be related to this process of awakening. It's really difficult to describe. I keep doing the same things as usual, just the craving for food and alcohol have increased a bit, definitely more anxious, a more desire to be by myself. Anyway, I guess it's just life happening, right?

[graceabounds]

I’d like you to take a listen to this and see if it resonates for this space that is difficult to describe.

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w

Let me know how this lands.

Is there a someone entangled? Is there a someone lost?

With love,
Becca

[danielak]

Hi Becca,

It did land. It’s confusing and uncomfortable. As I was listening, she talked about this taking weeks or years... and that freaked me out, lol. But it also made me see my hurry to get there. For a moment, I could see that it is all about what is happening, and I could relax and let things unfold naturally. It was a different perspective. Before, I was always trying to control things and make things happen, but for a moment I could step back and just let things be.

Is there a someone entangled? Is there a someone lost?

I still feel that there is someone, even though I mentioned previously that I feel a hurry and that I could step back. But there is more space now, and in some moments I can see clearly that there is nobody.