good place

[graceabounds]

It came that there’s an assumption that I have to judge myself at least as hard as the worst judgement anyone around me could muster. As if that’s my expected duty.

Ah, so when you drill down and find the sensation of that…
Can you find the “duty to judge” anywhere in the sensation itself?


Does good enough exist? :)

Do colleagues or those who must be judged exist? Are there ‘others’?

[daisyrain]

I wanna answer your questions, but it feels also like ignoring what’s mainly here. There is a very obvious sensation „front and center“ of something I’d describe as hurt around the heart. It’s also a part where looking gets… uh, it’s seems like looking there is hardly possible really.

I don’t know what to do with it at all.

Asking for borders is fruitful. (Comes with sadness)

Oh, it also seems like seeking is the/a movement of being not okay with what is. That’s a sort of scent to recognize it by.

Ah. I’ll need to come back, busy environment, anxious me

[graceabounds]

Is not looking there possible?

[daisyrain]

Is not looking there possible?

I'm not getting an answer*, but it's felt, right?

*there's this underlying sense of "there are no answers". less clear, but it's there in the background at the moment

[graceabounds]

Is there an underlying sense of there is no one to own answers or non answers in the background as well?

[daisyrain]

Is there an underlying sense of there is no one to own answers or non answers in the background as well?

there is something intriguing about that, and something that can keep looking at this question without finding something that protests that notion.

the sense you describe did pop up. does pop up.

hm. how do i put this?
I'm not sure if this tells me anything.
Which is obviously a thought.
sooo... it is the way it is...

what do i believe what is expected of me here (to be this confused)?
hm, not getting much freetime to answer. but this sense feels valuable

[daisyrain]

its a very fleeting sensej

[daisyrain]

its a very fleeting sense

[graceabounds]

does that make it less legitimate? :)

[daisyrain]

hm.
I'm not even sure if it is here, right now, in direct experience.

Is there an underlying sense of there is no one to own answers or non answers in the background as well?

asking this it just feels like "there is no one to own answers " is clearly true.
Whatever that means.

[daisyrain]

I#m mildly annoyed I even wrote that.

it's fun, there's something here that avoids looking and feeling into it it feels like it weighs 300 pounds

[graceabounds]

it feels like it weighs 300 pounds

what/where is this in direct experience?

[daisyrain]

it feels like it weighs 300 pounds

what/where is this in direct experience?

hm. there is something dense and tense.
Energetically dense in a way. I'm not sure, if that's all it is, but it's a fitting description for some of the sensation.
Running in the (left) leg, up to the rear.
The description of "300 pounds" seems also fitting, though it's not immediately clear, what about this feels like "weight".

it does feel like a contraction throughout the body.
Especially the face/cheeks right now.

an interesting sensation occurs around the heart/ neck. very lightweight and unanchored.
spreading towards the left hand as a jittery prickling.


hm.
besides everything what's most notably is a really depressed, dreadful and edgy feeling/mood.
I know, I know. Direct Experience and labels and it's all kind of neutral in the end. Describing it like this feels more honest in a way. I just don't want to bypass this.
I think explicitly pointless meditation / shikantaza might really help being applied consistently here. Let's see if that happens.

[graceabounds]

Keep me posted :)

And do the dense and light sensations seem to be related?

[daisyrain]

And do the dense and light sensations seem to be related?

The light can be accessed when feeling the density more fully.

Keep me posted :)

Not like any depth is reached. This whole „letting things be as they are, without leading anywhere“ happens more throughout the day, the moment.

It couldn’t be more frustrating. Which is, of course, a thought.

Wouldn’t trade it. It feels like something is running out of options. At times (not now) the relationship with „I“ thoughts can be seen in realtime.

I guess there is unlimited value in welcoming and inviting the uncomfortable sensation whole heartedly. I am thankful it is here.