What/Who Am I

[ashton]

Hi Lesley,

I'm gonna change direction a little bit here and take a new route.

I am actually waiting on me. My nervous system has been playing havoc this past week which means my attention is taken up with surviving that somehow.

Can you see the chains of events probably more accurately happened in this order:
1. Nervous system felt dysregulated
2. Attention moved towards idea of managing that
3. Thought content arose saying "I need to wait"
4. Buying into that thought occurred
5. Waiting arose

Something like that?
I don't care if it isn't a 100% accurate description, I'm sure it's close enough.

So now to dissect it...
All of those just arose on their own, yeah?
On their own time, yeah?
They never asked you for your consent to occur, did they?

Before those 5 chains of events happened, did you say "Hey, experience! Bring on the sensation of nervous system dysregulation! Then after that, have attention move towards that! Then after that, produce thoughts like "I need to wait!"! Then after that, buy into that thought! Then after that, start waiting (for something)!"

Did that happen?
Or did experience just bring all of those things in that order, all on its own, without anyone ever asking for all of those things to happen... let alone in that order?

It just happened, right?
Kinda like a surprise.
Before it all, you were at chain 0 so to speak
Then boom boom bang click bang.
5 chains happened.

What if
1. You heard me tell you that you're really a pink elephant
2. An image of a pink elephant popped up as a thought
3. You giggled or started shaking your head or the thought arose "omg" or "lol" or "this is so stupid"
4. And all of those got seen as chain of events that just happened on their own, without anyone's doing? All on their own they all arose?

2 different chains. Same thing. Just a chain.
All just happened on their own.

Reflect back.
See clearly what happened.
Tell me if that was the case.
I think I know what happened with the pink elephants...

Ash

[LovingLezle3]

Hi Ash I don't know if you replied to my last post. I am a bit confused by the sequencing. I have been in a funk. So much mind chatter and nervous system regulation, chronic insomnia, hopelessness and worthlessness showing up. A lot of grief arising recently too. I am okay with it all as I feel it is important but I do get lost in it. I am trying to remind myself when it occurs that I am lost in thinking and identifying with thinking. I also try and remind myself it is not all of who I am. Although I say these things to myself I seem to go right back to the thought train and getting lost again. I wonder if the hopelessness is helpful as I can get stuck there too? Any comments guidance would be great. Due to past traumas I can be quite fragmented in my thinking and my responses I lack consistency

[LovingLezle3]

Before those 5 chains of events happened, did you say "Hey, experience! Bring on the sensation of nervous system dysregulation! Then after that, have attention move towards that! Then after that, produce thoughts like "I need to wait!"! Then after that, buy into that thought! Then after that, start waiting (for something)!"

Did that happen?
Or did experience just bring all of those things in that order, all on its own, without anyone ever asking for all of those things to happen... let alone in that order?

It just happened, right?
Kinda like a surprise.
Before it all, you were at chain 0 so to speak
Then boom boom bang click bang.
5 chains happened.

I found your previous reply. Yes you are right all those things just happened. I did nothing they just appeared and of course when you mention the pink elephant it appears but I also feel as though I have to seek the image of a pink elephant if you see what |I mean it isn't there instantly without me doing something? Or so it seems. I have always puzzled over that whenever I have heard the pink elephant thing. But it is useful to highlight that thoughts simply appear without my control and yet something here strongly believes I have creating them?

[ashton]

Hi Lesley,

when you mention the pink elephant it appears but I also feel as though I have to seek the image of a pink elephant if you see what |I mean it isn't there instantly without me doing something? Or so it seems.

Reflect back to how it happened:
1. Reading about pink elephant happened
2. Will/seeking arose to generate image accompanied by sensations that feel "soooo you"
3. Image of pink elephant arose
4. Puzzledness arose accompanied by thoughts of roughly like "hmm, but it felt like i had to will it into experience"

Something like that?

What if after all of those 4 chains, there was a 5th chain that could happen where "ahhh, that was all just a chain of events... even the thought of 'i had to will it into experience'.... even the sensations accompanied with "will" that felt "soo me".... even those just arose on their own"

And maybe even a 6th chain of noticing the 5th chain, that if that 5th chain arose, it too just happened on its own. And same with the 6th, and the 7th, and the 8th...

Even if/when sensations feel "more you", that's a feeling that just arose purely and entirely on its own, yeah?
Look.
Don't tell me from thought.
Actually look.

And look at the opposite.
Some sensations don't feel "you" at all, right?
And that just arises on its own too, yeah?

What if however a sensation feels, however it arrives, is exactly how it arrives?

That isn't to say that you should be indifferent. Not at all. Maybe a chain goes
1. Thought arises of "should I roll my window down"
2. Choice presents itself
3. Noticing of that happens

4. Maybe uncertainty arises
4. Maybe a simple action of rolling down the window happens
4. Maybe thought arises of "no its too hot out"
4. Maybe indifference does indeed arise

5. You notice number 4! However it turns up! (But if it doesn't happen, there's nothing wrong with that either! Cause who said clarity arises 24/7 in experience!?!)

See for yourself... does clarity itself... does meta-awareness arise as an event just like everything else?!

Is sometimes clarity/noticing at 0%?
Other times 50%
Other times 100%?

Look.
Observe.
See.
Notice.
(If noticing is even there! Hahh!)

Report me back your findings on all of that.
Give it all a shot.
Give me a detailed event playthrough where some of this is seen first hand using the chain numbering system.

Ash