good place

[daisyrain]

keep noticing the reaching beyond what is here

that feels powerful and simple

How does “What should I do?” exist before it becomes a sentence?

wow, there really is something...
like a state of being one might label as "shocked".
it's of course a story, but it feels graspable/visceral that this state was "once encountered" and the conclusion was reached... something has to be done.. about.. this. I should do something about this.
Wet eyes here, I tell you.

and some avoidance. Oh well :)


Coming back, this feeling/sensation might be a bit daunting, but not bad.

So that story (that you are required for experience) can rest now. It is seen through.

Okay, deal. 🤝

Does the self ease? Or is it kind of the reverse??… No self as the default, native state.

In other words is carrying the mirage carrying a great weight of fiction in the body?

I don't think I could tell one from the other


PS:

I think I feel like I'm betraying or cheating you by seeing vinces meetings and he made this chatbot, playing with that.
Especially feeling a bit conflicted because it does really help. I don't understand why I feel mean about that, but it feels like the right thing to mention that. It is honest.

Hm. Sidenote. I think what helps about the chat bot is not making much effort in getting the answer "right".
I think there's a bit of "wanting perfection of my answers" when we chat (sometimes takes four hours of just staring at the screen until I have an answer)

[graceabounds]

Keep going to the meetings. And Vince's chatbot is a great tool. Just don't use it to answer the questions here, deal? :)

Are there right answers?

All I ask is to answer with honesty, with what is right now. :)

[daisyrain]

Just don't use it to answer the questions here, deal? :)

Oh god, yes of course 😄 deal :)

Are there right answers?

so, it's the experience right now, that that doesn't matter so much. There's already such a flood of experience with "what is" and that's ahm... that's already plenty to be occupied with.
In a way it doesn't even leave much space for certainty or answers to really fit into the whole thing, at least right now.

Actually. that's a huge surprise to me. Who would have thought that, where did that came from?


oh, oh wow. A really even painful pulsating originates from the right leg now.
More explanations come, sort of guarding from the actual experience. puuuuh. wow. Now Feeling much more raw and un-anchored. Without a rulebook for this. Not having a need for one, but distinctly without that "preveiously unreflected piece of certainty"

sparingly occuring in the forehead (i remember this sensation from the context of some qi going introduction labeled as "qi being activated")

hui.

there's also a strong movement of "away from this, back to dull everyday life, "when does this end""

[graceabounds]

Is right leg responsible for anchoring?

What does untethered life look like?

Go for a walk raw and untethered. Is it dull?

(Head pressure or forehead tingling also normal)

[daisyrain]

What does untethered life look like?

I don't know, but there is a sort of flow to things, that is very much not a world of people, persons, entities, things.

This is more felt than known. i.e. right now I can sort of feel into this, to find the right words (and rejects other ones), and that's it. No knowing of it otherwise.

Is right leg responsible for anchoring?

oh, that was a koan right now, wasn't it? Mind made space for "just this".

Hm. feels like processing.
---

Man; I feel so hurt and beaten up and tired. And I'm so sad about it. i think a bit of that is pain processing.
Thought description: "I feel so sore and ajar"

Go for a walk raw and untethered. Is it dull?

Immediate thought: "I'm afraid of that"
Just listening to that thought, sitting with it for a minute now.
What feels like a much younger personality comes up.
Desperation in that sentence is heard.
Processing the body does is felt.
Jaw jitters.
Voice: "I can't do that anymore"
Just hearing it with love, just being there for it.
Thought: "I'm afraid of ripping myself apart with this (practice)"
Just hearing that.
It touches the heart, that sentence. Staying "soft" here. Sinking.....
Can't say stuff about this space. Body processing.
Encompassing inviting is here. It's very inviting.

"I am inviting this sensation" is the very same phenomenon as "I am being invited"

noticing that it "draws you in" and that there is resistance /hesistance to "being drawn in"

[graceabounds]

Encompassing inviting is here. It's very inviting.

"I am inviting this sensation" is the very same phenomenon as "I am being invited"

Yes. Invitation is happening. Then thought tries to decide whether “I am inviting,”
or
“I am being invited.”

But the invitation itself is already here. :)


So go for that raw walk. And just hear what is here.

[daisyrain]

Hi Becc

I feel like I'm frying my nervous system a little, can I take the rest of the week of?

Lots of love
Nils

[graceabounds]

Of course dear!

[daisyrain]

Man Becc, I wanna tell you about so much.
Perception changes so much, day to day. Allowing what is deepens day to day.
Or rather not reacting, not looking away, noticing. I see we're close to a thousand messages, and yet I couldn't imagine this going even faster. Things change so fast.
Also wanted to share that my girlfriend and I visited a wedding and she caught the bouquet 💐, which i feel giddy about 😄

I observe the mind coooonstantly trying to establish a viewpoint, a solid ground. And what happens in between these actions, when no viewpoint is felt so strongly.

[daisyrain]

Also at times very firm suffering in these viewports becomes clear.
there's the usual nagging annoyed personality, though there's enjoyment without person found at the same time even in being annoyed (for example).

And I find raw and honest annoyance and chatter coming up, and raw and pure egoistical things, that I wasn't really honest about before. Or couldn't be honest about.

It's like the tendency to please and say yes isn't here (at the moment, throughout this weekend).


Even in all that stuff that is unenlightened-as-fuck there's enjoyment which I want to describe as "not addictive".

It's so fun. And then it's not even fun at the same time. It's; bwaaaaah, this is so much, somatically (that means bodily, right? Lol, gonna make myself an idiot here) it's killing me.

There's not the usual, strong escapism around that.
There's no giving-meaning to thoughts, concepts about alternatives (as in, there's just no alternative),
At the same time I feel like a cat puking on the carpet, which I imagine isn't very pleasant for the cat

[daisyrain]

And then things like shame are absolutely not solved or something like that, but are just fun.
It's like when you're biting your own lip and while it hurts a little, it's ridiculously fun to notice that for some reason?

Hm, it's this " no alternative" stuff, that is so fun.
That feeling of being at the tip of a roller coaster, feeling you'd very much would like to change your mind now, emotionally patting yourself on the back going "you're in for this now, Buddy".
Aaaah. I'm laughing my ass of here a little. How do I explain that "I very much don't want this" and "I could even IMAGINE anything funnier than that? 😂
That smiley really doesn't do justice to the feeling of just how annoying that is 😂😂😂😂😂

[graceabounds]

Yes, it couldn’t go any other than this, because this is it! :)

Tell me more about what is going on somatically.

I don’t hold many theories or expectations about this awakening process, but I do see that what goes down must come up. Kind of like the theory of equal and opposite reaction. So the force with which there is repression or we could even say dishonesty of what is there is an energetic release on the other side. For some this happens before/in conjunction with seeing through self, for others after, when there is no longer a ‘me’ to contain all of the lets unlabel it from an emotional tone by calling it electricity in the body. At any rate, it always happens at some point, and for you I believe it has been happening ongoing.

I’ve not shared this before with any of my clients but was and is still central to my own process, and as I say it is based on much observation. Curious how that lands.

There have been quite a few hints throughout this conversation of things that have been white knuckled in the body. The body knows of course that all of this is unnecessary, and is ready to be free of the imposed fiction of the self and all the associated traumas. It also knows that a release all at once would be too much. :)

[daisyrain]

Tell me more about what is going on somatically.

Not direct experience right now, but it at times feels like I have to ... puke. That comes at times, it came today.
Now; for actual experience right now.

it's a little like there's a big bubble stuck in the leg and the release comes as... somewhat intense, like a very strong wind perhaps. Or like when you open you're eyes in the morning and everything is tooo bright at first, it's intense like that. But not at all in a pleasant way. It's so obviously right.
And right now my left legs laying horizontally and it's a bit like there's around a gallon of water just moving from side to side, from below the knee to the foot.
IT'S SO WEIRD TO ME, that it's SO OFTEN the left leg.

I also can imagine crazy amounts of dishonesty being stuck here. I was unbelievably dishonest for years. a decade ago I was an addict.

Wondering about that. I have a note on my desktop from some weeks ago, when I found a reference to a "branch" of LU on this website. It says:

• LU Straight Talk (members only) - This is a recovery-based group for people who have gone
thru the Gate. If you have now, or have had in the past a problem with substances of any kind,
or if you have been affected deeply by someone else's use, this is another place to be able to
discuss things.

I wonder a bit what that means, why they have elected to create a special place.
Maybe something comes up for you reading this. If not, it's likely nothing to wonder about, at least yet.



I think it needs to happen slowly here, yeah.
I encounter the thought "whew, any more might be enough to kill me" occasionally.
thank you for sharing from your own experience :)

energetically it's really quite a bit. it all feels so stuck or slowly working at least.
I found a qi gong intro course near me starting in a month and am optimistic about that.
Energetically I feel like a Sponge, to the point where it's has been incapacitating me at work at times.

thinking about this, I notice that I have searched A LOT really for ways to live with that.
I think at work it often was about "I really want to tell something or that something feels off, but I have no idea what it is anyway" and it devolved into excruciatingly asking myself "what the fuck is wrong??"

[daisyrain]

continuing about that last part, wondering what the hell is wrong.
I feel SO SO SO BLIND in these situations.Like the only answer I get is "a blank white wall", and it makes me sad and I wanna hug myself, because it's so frustrating and it's so hard to take. I wanna do something, want to do good work, and I find myself incapacitated and blind instead.
ah, it hurts to just write this

[graceabounds]

What does left leg want?

Take some time to meditate right there and ask. Look with a background energy of a hug. Not mind or judgement. See what comes. Perhaps won’t be in words, could be an image or a memory. Could be a knowing. Whatever you get write it down before doubt creeps in

Qi Gong will be good. Anything physical really will be supportive but that is particularly good. And especially so because it comes with a body yes and enthusiasm.

Energetically I feel like a Sponge, to the point where it's has been incapacitating me at work at times.

thinking about this, I notice that I have searched A LOT really for ways to live with that.
I think at work it often was about "I really want to tell something or that something feels off, but I have no idea what it is anyway"

Tell me more about the sponge feeling. Is energy being taken in and not let out? What is incapacitated in these times?

What does the body have to say?
Ask directly. No middle-man-mini-me welcome in that conversation.

And instead of asking what is wrong, ask body what it wants to say…