Running Home

[graceabounds]

Hello!

I can "visualize" the inside, but the body seems to have no divisions such as inside and outside

Yes. This is important. Mental images are also thoughts.

Is there any recurring mental image that comes when I say ‘Erin’? Try ‘me’ and then ‘I’…

Bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
Then bring up a thought about a character labeled "stranger". Compare these thoughts.

Is there a difference in these thoughts?
Is there a true difference or is it just different content?

Now, bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
After that, look at a thought about the character labeled "me”.
Is there a difference?
Is there anything special about thoughts with the content "me-character"?

-Becca

[Emac1122]

Hi Becca,
Happy Tuesday!

Is there any recurring mental image that comes when I say ‘Erin’? Try ‘me’ and then ‘I’…

There are no specific recurring mental images when I think Erin, me, or I. When I think "Erin" I see things in my memory of myself doing things like riding a bike or being at home, but they are all historical visions. They don't seem to be about "me" now. When I think me, then I can feel a heaviness in my body, but don't have mental images per say. When I think "I" I notice more sensations behind my eyes and somewhat my body. It seems to be more sensations than mental images.

Bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
Then bring up a thought about a character labeled "stranger". Compare these thoughts.
Is there a difference in these thoughts?
Is there a true difference or is it just different content?

With friend I have sensations that include warmth, joy, trust, openness. With stranger, I have sensations of care, caution, openness. If I think of a specific friend or stranger than there are more specific thoughts around my friend's personality compared to a stranger for whom I just wouldn't know the details, but it is just different content.

Now, bring up a thought about a character labeled "friend".
After that, look at a thought about the character labeled "me”.
Is there a difference?
Is there anything special about thoughts with the content "me-character"?

No, no difference other than different content of the thoughts. If I think about a friend I can think about their personality, memories of things we've done together or conversations we've had, how they look or act. If I think about me, it is similar content just a different "topic" , my history, physical attributes, personality characteristics and such. But although the content is different, it all the same stuff. There is nothing special about the 'me' content compared to the 'friend' content. it's all just thoughts. hmm. I see that 'me' character now. I can see how elusive it is as it is constantly changing.

Warmly,
Erin

[graceabounds]

When I think me, then I can feel a heaviness in my body, but don't have mental images per say. When I think "I" I notice more sensations behind my eyes and somewhat my body. It seems to be more sensations than mental images.

Great. Fantastic. Leave the sensations exactly as they are.

Can the heaviness itself say, “I am you”?

Can the sensation behind the eyes claim ownership?
Or is the claim “this is me” always arriving as another thought?

When the thought “I” is absent for a moment, what remains? Just the sensations?

You’re not trying to make the sensations disappear. The body can contract. That’s ordinary. The investigation is whether the contraction is a self, or whether thought is simply recruiting an ordinary sensation as evidence for the story “this is me.”

:)

The following exercise is designed to let you ‘feel’ the difference between actual experience and imagined experience.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are holding a spoon. Imagine the spoons form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Look and feel at the imaginary spoon for a while.

Then open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
So how did you see that there is no spoon?
What happened to the spoon?
Did it disappear or did it never exist?

Notice that there was no boom and no bright flashes of light when the imaginary spoon was no longer imagined! Remember this, the shift to seeing through the illusion of a separate self is not going to be any more than this, it is just a dropping of a belief – the belief is the glue that holds the illusion together.

Now go and get a spoon from the kitchen and hold it in the same way that you imagined it. Feel the spoon’s form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Close your eyes and feel the spoon for a while.

Now open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
Are the image of the spoon and the experience of the spoon the same?
How does imagining and experiencing the same thing differ?

Now close your eyes again and bring your attention to the image of “me”, the separate individual entity. Spend some time exploring this, and then answer the following question:
Is it an image or is it an actual entity?

[Emac1122]

Hi Becca,

Can the heaviness itself say, “I am you”?
Can the sensation behind the eyes claim ownership?
Or is the claim “this is me” always arriving as another thought?

The heaviness itself doesn't say "I am you." I feel like I'm labeling the sensation me. It seems to be a chicken and egg thing. If I look for "me", I feel the sensation, which I'm then labeling me. Once I identify the sensation even if the label goes I can still find the sensation.

When the thought “I” is absent for a moment, what remains? Just the sensations?

Yes, only the sensations remain.

The following exercise is designed to let you ‘feel’ the difference between actual experience and imagined experience.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are holding a spoon. Imagine the spoons form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Look and feel at the imaginary spoon for a while.

Then open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
So how did you see that there is no spoon?
What happened to the spoon?
Did it disappear or did it never exist?

There is no spoon in real life. I could see that there was no spoon when I opened my eyes. It never existed.

Notice that there was no boom and no bright flashes of light when the imaginary spoon was no longer imagined! Remember this, the shift to seeing through the illusion of a separate self is not going to be any more than this, it is just a dropping of a belief – the belief is the glue that holds the illusion together.

Ok, I can understand this, so this implies that somewhere I still believe in a separate self...

Now go and get a spoon from the kitchen and hold it in the same way that you imagined it. Feel the spoon’s form, its size, its weight, its temperature. Close your eyes and feel the spoon for a while.

Now open your eyes … is there a spoon here, in real life?
Are the image of the spoon and the experience of the spoon the same?
How does imagining and experiencing the same thing differ?

When I'm holding the spoon, it feels more substantial - the weight, temperature and form. When I'm imagining the spoon, I feel a weight and perhaps can imagine the temperature and form, but it is nothing like holding the real spoon.

Is it an image or is it an actual entity?

It is an image not an actual entity. I think I'm going to have to let that sink in.

with gratitude,
Erin

[graceabounds]

The heaviness itself doesn't say "I am you." I feel like I'm labeling the sensation me. It seems to be a chicken and egg thing. If I look for "me", I feel the sensation, which I'm then labeling me. Once I identify the sensation even if the label goes I can still find the sensation.

What binds things and their name together?

Ok, I can understand this, so this implies that somewhere I still believe in a separate self...

Do you? Take a look in direct experience and tell me.

... unless by 'somewhere' you mean in the content of thought which I think has already been established to be unreliable and unowned.

[Emac1122]

What binds things and their name together

A sound, sight, touch, taste, or some other sensation comes into my consciousness then fairly quickly the label of what it is comes up. For example, I hear a bird then the thought bird comes to mind.

Do you? Take a look in direct experience and tell me.

... unless by 'somewhere' you mean in the content of thought which I think has already been established to be unreliable and unowned.

I don’t mean in thought. When I look at direct experience there is no I. Now even more than ever I recognize it is a label a thought. i see the sensations and the thoughts, but no “I” entity.

Warmly,
Erin

[graceabounds]

Very good.

Did Erin ever exist?

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colors, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

[Emac1122]

Did Erin ever exist?

Erin only exists as labels and concepts. There is no separate entity "Erin."

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. If yes, where is the boundary?

There is no line. I am part of the movement. There is constant movement. There is contraction which seems to slow things down, and I feel separate but it is just contraction. There is thought labeling commenting. I can feel "my body", but it still seem to be part of the whole.

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

There is no inside and outside of life. There does not appear to be anything that is not included in the movement of the whole. At this moment there is no witness - it is just experience. Yes, I think witnessing would be part of the movement too. At this moment I don't think that anything can exist separate from the movement. It seems all connected even if at times I feel disconnected.
Erin

[graceabounds]

Your last line reminds me of this:

After these retreats I would often feel a sense of open awareness or feel like the I had dropped away, but it would not be long before it was fully reestablished. Sometimes when this happens I often feel more like I’m dissociated rather than more connected to the world,

I am curious about this word connected. What does it point to?

How is life/the world experienced now? Is there disconnection now or is this a reference to before? How is it known?