good place

[daisyrain]

I like this

[daisyrain]

at this point the best way to put my confusion into "words" is:

?!

Like it's saying: "But what of it?"
hm. Clearly, the not-knowing-part is a bit of a surprise.

asking, "but what expectation was there (for me to be irritated with this)?" yields strong body reaction.
Well, it might be just the body being felt very,... raw-ly.


whew. a lot is clear from here.

story comes: "But what of it?"

Genuine irritation/wondering about that part

[daisyrain]

Something I just noticed is the pattern of
Looking
Seeing
"Liking the result"
And then being hesitant to look again because "upon closer inspection it might be all wrong"

[graceabounds]

who asks ‘but what of it?’

does the skeptic exist?

[daisyrain]

does the skeptic exist?

not really.


Thought: How can I answer so quickly?
Thought: Have I checked this enough?
Thought: How can I be sure?


Feeling the skepticism in the left brow. Left hand. Anger comes up. Sensation in upper legs now.

does the skeptic exist?

there's a movement of "imagining him".

...

i think underlying that might be fear.
there was a little contact with it

[graceabounds]

Can you feel the sensations under fear and anger and shine some light on them?

Emotion = sensation + thought

We know what the thoughts are. Are they actually connected to the sensations? Which comes first?

[daisyrain]

Can you feel the sensations under fear and anger and shine some light on them?

What comes up reading this is just some energetic feeling and relaxation in the legs.
just ongoing coming and going of energy there.
Some other stories come, though.

feeling anger as "upper side of arms".

A lot of aversion does come. It feels a little like blindness (when not acted on).
Like "I'm blind somewhere, can't see something".
Like there "should be something, that I can't see". Okay, what's the sensation here..
Chest, neck and jaw, all felt very lightly. mouth as well. Area below the eyes. Above the nose and bridge of the nose.
intense here.
Sensation labeled "Heart" and pictured to be where the anatomical heart is comes.
felt as legs, lips, cheeks. drowning sensation occurring.

About this heart thing (this is a story, but it might be useful to communicate?).
Half a dozen years ago this was felt like "someone started a lawn mover ripping through the chest" at times, gradually being more felt into and becoming less painful over the years.
so it holds some significance to me. Maybe some significance in general. I wonder about i occasionally.

Back to blindness.
feeling it as the skin on arm.

The image/thought of "someone crying `I don't know what to do`" comes up.
Thought: "I truly don't know what to do".

feeling the blindness and avoidance in the chest.
feeling the desperation in the stomach. Legs.
There is a despair about being utterly forsaken and wasting time beyond repair and hope.
that's something to do with expectation, I'm sure of it. But no image of a "successful usage of this day" can be found.
Relaxing into this happens. All very much.. okay.

There's some intensity, but it's what you might call "unowned".
Or rather, realizing that makes it "just okay, not too much".
Maybe less personal.

[graceabounds]

So, underneath labels of desperation despair what is the raw sensation?

What is the lawnmower guarding against or protecting?

Is it OK to know not what to do? To allow the doing without the knowing (or knower)?

[daisyrain]

underneath labels of desperation despair what is the raw sensation?

Feels like a "shimmering" in the chest, towards left arm.

What is the lawnmower guarding against or protecting?

Assumption do come up about not being able to answer this anyway, together with avoidance patterns.

Though I don't feel anything this is protecting against, some measure of relaxation happens.
Some tension occurs here and there.

The feeling of heart sort of flows down a little. Spreads across the left side of the ribs and body. Into the leg.
And What Is this protecting now?
There's nothing really. And relaxation and sensation follows with that. Now around the back.

Is it OK to know not what to do? To allow the doing without the knowing (or knower)?

Feels like a novel question. Feels like asking it to myself this way for a first time. (Im sure you asked this before)

Feeling it in the forehead. Around the eyes. Forearms.
Feeling relaxation and a sudden drop. Quickly pulled away from.


Not knowing everything doesn't feel bad.
It's a very wide and open sensation.

Not knowing what to do...
Some relaxation occurs around the ribs.
Feeling into what feels like "not knowing what to do".
Desperation felt again, as something tense in the jaw right now. Tension in forehead.
This feels almost dangerous, the kinds of sensations coming up. Even if they are very soft and relaxing. So unexpected and unknown. Not alien though.

Feeling "traumatized" and "insecure" labeled sensations.
Shimmering sensation again.

I think that's what I can do for now. Whew.
That wasn't bad..

[graceabounds]

:)

Keep going.

Follow this down one layer more and take a look for the one who possesses all of it or controls any of it…

[daisyrain]

reading that does quite a bit in the body, yeah. okay.

underneath labels of desperation despair what is the raw sensation?

right now I can't find "desperation", but the underlying sensation is there. Words like "sad" or "exhausted / used up" come along. Or a quite visceral expression /crying out "why?". Okay, that's a mental image.
In the body, "intensity" floods the knees.

felt this since a while, at the moment "disappointment" is... felt.

s it OK to know not what to do? To allow the doing without the knowing (or knower)?

it can be sat with.
it feels like being "dumb".
While that is judgemental, that judgement is noticed, and then I'm not sure if any judgement is left.
It feels honest to ask that question.

Follow this down one layer more and take a look for the one who possesses all of it or controls any of it…

Can this be known? Wait, can this be sought after? or is there only the possibility of listening?
is that all that is?

There is the assumption of a "goal" that "I" want to reach. An assumption of agenda.
"Oh, listening to that is good (and brings me forward)"
"Oh no, lending an ear to that is feeding in the wrong direction" / "I shouldn't think like that, better not listen"

"I have an agenda"

A lot makes that believe ring / resonates with it.

the body really reacts to observing this :)

There's an anxious element to it, this "having an agenda".

Whew.. It's not all that easy to stay here. it's not really difficult, but there is avoidance and there is wanting to choose avoidance.

"but I'm so tired and exhausted" Oh, that's a story right there.

Is there someone here?

Mental images can be found, implying "self"

Label "distressing" comes, even that might be avoidance.

that feels immensely freeing right now. like floating a bit. avoidance still bubbles up.

one thing after another is there, listened to.
---


Oh, by the way. yesterday I met Vince, he has these regular meetings. It was really fun (and I remembered to greet him from you 😄)

[daisyrain]

It's so weird, there are confusions and questions floating around here, maybe it's an irritation. And I think we talked about the underlying mechanism. Let me see if I can put these things together.

So, there's an irritation here, and at least thought says it's about "awakening".
"What is it, what am I missing?"
"What's left to do to awaken?"

I think the sensation underneath is just my body feeling "not the way I'm used to".

"I have to get this, and I have to work really hard to get it"

It's like there's no... Alternative to "getting it" to fill in for that.
What could it mean for this to be dropped without replacement believe?

Huh. Luckily, love goes on. Chirping of insects, tweeting of birds.

Right now, there's real listening to the voice saying "there is something to get..there is something to understand"
It's felt almost like a desperate cry, a plea.

And when listening and observing closely, there comes this "missing step on the staircase" kind of suprise/ feeling.

That voice says "but what is *instead*?"
Pleading

[graceabounds]

Ah, I’m glad. Vince is great.

What if there’s nothing here to get? Nothing that could possibly be understood by the mechanism responsible for understanding…. ???

No right or wrong path? No one responsible for making a choice?

Then it wouldn’t feel the way you are used to, no.

"Oh, listening to that is good (and brings me forward)"
"Oh no, lending an ear to that is feeding in the wrong direction" / "I shouldn't think like that, better not listen"

Get two foods you like, one that is a 'bad' food, like a piece of chocolate and the other a 'good food,' like a piece of apple. Thoughts might come up while looking at them saying stuff about eating one or the other. Eventually one of them will get eaten first.

Look carefully for any evidence in direct experience to see if those thoughts controlled the behavior rather than just guessing and commentating what might happen.

If no chooser then what? No one to get it wrong… no one who could own an agenda.

What then?

[daisyrain]

Get two foods you like, ...

I've chosen the cookies for the tenth time in a row and I can really feel something in the body!

jokes aside, I'll gather the food now.

There's no evidence I can choose which food to look at. Thoughts sometimes come right after the fact.

"I should" and "should I ...?" thoughts arise still. Together with an emotion that might be... "shame" or "anxious". It's subtle.

these become more easy to see right now and can be felt in the body.

Look carefully for any evidence in direct experience to see if those thoughts controlled the behavior rather than just guessing and commentating what might happen.

something opened reading this right now. something "was felt".
there is, in a way, looking for evidence, while thoughts are chatting. Sometimes asserting.

If no chooser then what? No one to get it wrong… no one who could own an agenda.

What then?

I feel that question throughout the body, it is feeling like a bright light.
I hear thoughts like "how can I really ask myself that question?".
Thoughts come implying a doing or capacity to do so, but right now, it's just not bad. Or has power. I don't know.
It feels really mellow here.

maybe... it's just okay, to have these thoughts come, listen. maybe there is nothing to do.

And without giving meaning to "I should have" "I shouldn't" I even find JOY in even distractions.



I still don't have anything like an answer, but this felt immensely pleasant even.

[graceabounds]

It feels really mellow here

Is that what happens when the lie of an agenda isn’t being held in the body?

And without giving meaning to "I should have" "I shouldn't" I even find JOY in even distractions.

❤️

The thoughts will continue until morale improves…
lol j/k

Thoughts don’t need to disappear, thats not possible, but simply be seen through. Then… the peace that passeth understanding.

🙏🏻