good place

[daisyrain]

I like this

[daisyrain]

at this point the best way to put my confusion into "words" is:

?!

Like it's saying: "But what of it?"
hm. Clearly, the not-knowing-part is a bit of a surprise.

asking, "but what expectation was there (for me to be irritated with this)?" yields strong body reaction.
Well, it might be just the body being felt very,... raw-ly.


whew. a lot is clear from here.

story comes: "But what of it?"

Genuine irritation/wondering about that part

[daisyrain]

Something I just noticed is the pattern of
Looking
Seeing
"Liking the result"
And then being hesitant to look again because "upon closer inspection it might be all wrong"

[graceabounds]

who asks ‘but what of it?’

does the skeptic exist?

[daisyrain]

does the skeptic exist?

not really.


Thought: How can I answer so quickly?
Thought: Have I checked this enough?
Thought: How can I be sure?


Feeling the skepticism in the left brow. Left hand. Anger comes up. Sensation in upper legs now.

does the skeptic exist?

there's a movement of "imagining him".

...

i think underlying that might be fear.
there was a little contact with it

[graceabounds]

Can you feel the sensations under fear and anger and shine some light on them?

Emotion = sensation + thought

We know what the thoughts are. Are they actually connected to the sensations? Which comes first?

[daisyrain]

Can you feel the sensations under fear and anger and shine some light on them?

What comes up reading this is just some energetic feeling and relaxation in the legs.
just ongoing coming and going of energy there.
Some other stories come, though.

feeling anger as "upper side of arms".

A lot of aversion does come. It feels a little like blindness (when not acted on).
Like "I'm blind somewhere, can't see something".
Like there "should be something, that I can't see". Okay, what's the sensation here..
Chest, neck and jaw, all felt very lightly. mouth as well. Area below the eyes. Above the nose and bridge of the nose.
intense here.
Sensation labeled "Heart" and pictured to be where the anatomical heart is comes.
felt as legs, lips, cheeks. drowning sensation occurring.

About this heart thing (this is a story, but it might be useful to communicate?).
Half a dozen years ago this was felt like "someone started a lawn mover ripping through the chest" at times, gradually being more felt into and becoming less painful over the years.
so it holds some significance to me. Maybe some significance in general. I wonder about i occasionally.

Back to blindness.
feeling it as the skin on arm.

The image/thought of "someone crying `I don't know what to do`" comes up.
Thought: "I truly don't know what to do".

feeling the blindness and avoidance in the chest.
feeling the desperation in the stomach. Legs.
There is a despair about being utterly forsaken and wasting time beyond repair and hope.
that's something to do with expectation, I'm sure of it. But no image of a "successful usage of this day" can be found.
Relaxing into this happens. All very much.. okay.

There's some intensity, but it's what you might call "unowned".
Or rather, realizing that makes it "just okay, not too much".
Maybe less personal.

[graceabounds]

So, underneath labels of desperation despair what is the raw sensation?

What is the lawnmower guarding against or protecting?

Is it OK to know not what to do? To allow the doing without the knowing (or knower)?

[daisyrain]

underneath labels of desperation despair what is the raw sensation?

Feels like a "shimmering" in the chest, towards left arm.

What is the lawnmower guarding against or protecting?

Assumption do come up about not being able to answer this anyway, together with avoidance patterns.

Though I don't feel anything this is protecting against, some measure of relaxation happens.
Some tension occurs here and there.

The feeling of heart sort of flows down a little. Spreads across the left side of the ribs and body. Into the leg.
And What Is this protecting now?
There's nothing really. And relaxation and sensation follows with that. Now around the back.

Is it OK to know not what to do? To allow the doing without the knowing (or knower)?

Feels like a novel question. Feels like asking it to myself this way for a first time. (Im sure you asked this before)

Feeling it in the forehead. Around the eyes. Forearms.
Feeling relaxation and a sudden drop. Quickly pulled away from.


Not knowing everything doesn't feel bad.
It's a very wide and open sensation.

Not knowing what to do...
Some relaxation occurs around the ribs.
Feeling into what feels like "not knowing what to do".
Desperation felt again, as something tense in the jaw right now. Tension in forehead.
This feels almost dangerous, the kinds of sensations coming up. Even if they are very soft and relaxing. So unexpected and unknown. Not alien though.

Feeling "traumatized" and "insecure" labeled sensations.
Shimmering sensation again.

I think that's what I can do for now. Whew.
That wasn't bad..

[graceabounds]

:)

Keep going.

Follow this down one layer more and take a look for the one who possesses all of it or controls any of it…