H&H (Hello and Help) :)

[Eloratea]

You're welcome :) but it seems that I can't help you much at this moment.
Keep in touch and let me know if something comes up.

[Zmay]

Thank you for all, I will let you know if something comes up.

[Zmay]

There is I in there, something desperate wanting to be...great, entlightened, dear, whatever...something almost touchable...something jumping on whatever comes along...and then chew on it, something telling me it is real...something very relaxed when looking is not there and very nervous when looked at. It tells ... yes...this is it, the peace, the bliss when cirkumstances are calm....and no, you are a failure, you never make it when cirkumstances are not good and anger or something comes up....I'm running in circles...or better to say with waves up and down...

[Eloratea]

Dear Zmay,
those are just thoughts. Do they happen to anyone? Or there is no center around which they circle?

http://eloratea.blogspot.com/2012/06/th ... rates.html

Best wishes.

[Zmay]

This morning my body has done something for a while when "I" realised that life is functioning without me...first time it was seen, the I as it grabbed the control again, but it was clear...life lived for some time on it's own.

Later thoughts seemed not so strong any more...like loosen up a little, like they are not so important...

[Eloratea]

Great.
When waking up in the morning, dream doesn't feel important any more. Unconditional belief in thoughts is a kind of dream state.
Get in touch with direct experience, feel the sensations, feel how it all happens effortlesly. How the attention, focus of awareness, moves effortlesly, without you.

[Zmay]

Thought come and go...but then some of them like a glue or magnet pull the awarnes and I embarke on a journey in thought, sense of awarenes is lost, just sense of I spining thoughts (mostley past, future or mixture of both). Then awakening...like coming out of a dream. It is recognised. By whome, is this also a form of illusion of I?

[Eloratea]

By whom is just another thought, another assumption. Not part of the natural clarity of the mind.

[Zmay]

Hello,

this morning I saw that I can not remember my first years as there was no I then...I was born few years later.

I can not go through the gate, it can not go nowhere as it lives in imagination only...

Still, why can the trough be seen permanentlly, obviouslly the fruit is not ripe...

[Eloratea]

Good morning :)

Good insight!

Still, why can the trough be seen permanently,

What does that mean to be seen permanently?
Once you see that „I“ is just a thought it doesn't mean it will not arise anymore. But it can be dismissed more and more easily.
Once you see through the illusion it doesn't mean it disappears immediately, but belief in it dissolves. And heaviness caused by that belief transforms more or less gradually into lightness.

obviously the fruit is not ripe...

See that this is just another thought in form of doubt? Why there is doubt? Where it comes from?
And is there anyone to whom it appears? Or it just appears?
Have a gentle look. It is very close now :)

[Zmay]

Yes...the gentle look...and we are so used to fight, to strive for maximum :-)

Yesterday in the morning, while reading, I suddenlly saw that I is not so much continuouse thinking, but somehow connecting of the thinking, story out of connecting what is...like when we have some events and then try to connect it, find a reason, aldough there is none. That is the I. And then a strange silence came upon me, but not really a silence, everything was there but so much more, like a vaste field, a universe, and wind is blowing through without any obstacles. Every bit of heavyness disappeared, it felt like no thought. some strange relaxation....it was just there for some time, and then I began to think and assase and thought...now I'm thinking again, now I will slowly lose it..and so was it, it slowly backed up through few minutes and I was back.

Later in the afternoon, while walking same thing happened, unsearched, somehow not by trying, suddenlly just a silence, vastnes and total freedom. It somehow comes through hearing first. A humming, then silence, but not absence of sound. When it was recognised that something strange happens the thought came...is this it...and bum, I was back.

It can't be forced, the gentle look :-), maybe no look at all, a look has I in the background. But this all is so not important, the search I mean. Evrything I do is too much. Thank you so much.

:-) have a nice day

[Eloratea]

Hi,

Enjoyed reading about your experience.

Yes...the gentle look...and we are so used to fight, to strive for maximum :-)

But in the end kindness prevails and „meek inherit the earth“... :)

Yesterday in the morning, while reading, I suddenlly saw that I is not so much continuouse thinking, but somehow connecting of the thinking, story out of connecting what is...like when we have some events and then try to connect it, find a reason, aldough there is none. That is the I. And then a strange silence came upon me, but not really a silence, everything was there but so much more, like a vaste field, a universe, and wind is blowing through without any obstacles. Every bit of heavyness disappeared, it felt like no thought. some strange relaxation....it was just there for some time, and then I began to think and assase and thought...now I'm thinking again, now I will slowly lose it..and so was it, it slowly backed up through few minutes and I was back.

Can you catch it, that which came back and you call it „I“? What it is exactly, describe it.
Let's not assume either that there is some kind of self or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is truth and clear seeing.

Later in the afternoon, while walking same thing happened, unsearched, somehow not by trying, suddenlly just a silence, vastnes and total freedom. It somehow comes through hearing first. A humming, then silence, but not absence of sound. When it was recognised that something strange happens the thought came...is this it...and bum, I was back.

What if those those two kinds of the experiences are just two faces, two aspects, two different appearances in this one indivisible awareness. But due to habit more attention is given to the second aspect, to the thought of „me“ separating it from the rest and identifying only with it?

It can't be forced, the gentle look :-), maybe no look at all, a look has I in the background. But this all is so not important, the search I mean. Everything I do is too much. Thank you so much.

No gentle-ness definitely can't be forced. It is the very opposite from forcing. It belongs to the family of acceptance, surrender and letting go.

Lots of Love.

[Zmay]

Can you catch it, that which came back and you call it „I“? What it is exactly, describe it.
Let's not assume either that there is some kind of self or not. It doesn't matter. What matters is truth and clear seeing.

I can not catch it, but something is there, something that rides on thought, something that directes the thought stream in a particular direction and holds it there for a long time, something that coloures every expirience, labels it and makes it a desirable or non desirable. Sometimes a feeling of tirednes comes, tired of all that useless (mostly) movement. Then when my in-sight begines to focus, just before I see it....a new trick is pulled out of the hat, and the sight is redirected or, tired or unconcentrated or postponed....I am not making the final step.

Mostley there is an unconsiouse underlying belife that I am not good enough, or ready enough, or trained enough....so it is impossible for me to see and usless to try. Maybe also some kind of fear...I am not sure.

I will try to see the mehanics of it all. Mostly I am waiting for the right happening, like I describe, but that is not so often, I will see if that can be looked at in a more mundane situationes.

Thank you for bear with me.

[Eloratea]

I can not catch it, but something is there, something that rides on thought, something that directes the thought stream in a particular direction and holds it there for a long time, something that coloures every expirience, labels it and makes it a desirable or non desirable.

What is this something? Does it have constant, distinguishable shape or form? Don't be satisfied with defining your self as something. :)
Do you have to define your self? Do you need to be something?

Sometimes a feeling of tirednes comes, tired of all that useless (mostly) movement. Then when my in-sight begines to focus, just before I see it....a new trick is pulled out of the hat, and the sight is redirected or, tired or unconcentrated or postponed....I am not making the final step.

You don't have to wait till total exhaustion and hopelessness happens. You can drop the burden right now. Just dare to look into this simple looking which is happening right now and always; and can be sensed in open space behind your eyes.

Mostly there is an unconscious underlying belief that I am not good enough, or ready enough, or trained enough....so it is impossible for me to see and useless to try. Maybe also some kind of fear...I am not sure.

Can you find that one who is not good enough? Where is he? Have you ever met him face to face? Or it is just a guess, second hand knowledge? How many of you is there?

I will try to see the mechanics of it all. Mostly I am waiting for the right happening, like I describe, but that is not so often, I will see if that can be looked at in a more mundane situations.

Yes, it can be seen in a very mundane situation. In any situation. If you let this possibility in.

Be well.

[Zmay]

Thank you, thank you...thank you