Feeling very close, but still miles away

[squeakyclean]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I have read a number of books on the subject (Rupert Spira, Angelo Dillulo et al) and have a conceptual grasp of there being no 'self'. In practice this seems to be just outside of my grasp as far as recognizing it at an experiential level. There is no self, but it still seems to be hanging around.

What are you looking for at LU?
The 'nudge' that will allow me to see beyond the intellectual. I love the analogy of the fact I used to believe in Santa Claus, but as soon as the belief was seen through/dismissed, the idea of a Santa Claus became laughable. I would like to experience this no-self so tangibly that this is no longer any doubt. I would like help in finally seeing through it.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Some pointers, based upon my current understanding (not sure if that is the right way of putting this), that help me see through the veil which is covering the truth. I feel I am very close, yet so far away.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I have a background in NLP, Timeline therapy and Hypnosis, which I'm aware (now) is more about fixing the thinking than seeing the truth of the 'I'. I had so many breakthroughs with NLP that seemed huge, but then dissipated over a short period of time. I looked at the Three Principles (the Sydney Banks stuff) and found that interesting and a similar focus to non-duality. Recently I have attended an Angelo Dillulo online retreat and have been doing some work with a guide. I have recently had a profound experience after reading a couple of chapters of the Gateless Gatecrashers, wherein my sense of time got really distorted. I couldn't discern whether something had just happened, was happening or I'd just imagined this. It was a bit like my 'timeline' had somehow been juggled and re-sorted. This lasted about 12 hours and has settled down now.

I feel as though I have been on a seeking path for 40 years (I'm 66 now). I've meditated sporadically, had various forms of talking therapy etc. all aimed at, frankly, being happier and less stressed. On one hand I feel it was a waste of time, but on the other it was the path that brought me to non-duality and here.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
10

[Daniel777]

Hi,

Welcome. I'm looking forward to working with you and thank you for the clarity and openness of your introduction.

Our investigation begins precisely at the intersection you describe—where understanding ends and direct experience is still lacking.

Let's start by addressing two points you mentioned:

"In practice, however, this insight doesn't seem entirely tangible to me yet, as far as experience is concerned." And: "I want to experience this non-self so tangibly that there is no longer any doubt about it."

Herein lies a subtle but crucial stumbling block. You're looking for a way to make the non-self tangible. The mind is trying to grasp an absence (the lack of a self) like an object or a state. As long as the expectation persists that a "non-self" must present itself as a tangible, lasting experience, the simple reality is overlooked.

...I recently had a profound experience that completely disrupted my sense of time. I could no longer distinguish whether something had just happened, was happening right now, or whether I had simply imagined it. It was as if my "timeline" had somehow been jumbled and rearranged. This lasted about twelve hours and has now subsided.

Such experiences are fascinating, but they are temporary states. For our investigation, we must consciously set these experiences aside. We are not interested here in what comes and goes, but rather in what is always present, unchanged—regardless of whether you are stressed, happy, or disoriented.

The veil you mention when you write, "I feel so close and yet so far away," consists primarily of this expectation and accumulated knowledge.

To ensure we proceed pragmatically and without unnecessary baggage, I'd like to ask you to make an agreement: For the duration of our conversation, please put aside all concepts, books, NLP approaches, and even Angelo DiLullo's videos. While they may be helpful for intellectual understanding, they hinder direct, fresh observation.

Over the next few days, I will ask you questions that require no prior knowledge. Your only task will be to look for the answers not in thinking or remembering, but purely in the immediate experience of this present moment.

When you hear this term: What exactly do you understand by "immediate experience"? What defines it for you, and how does it differ from simply thinking about something?

I look forward to your response.

Daniel