Am I in a universe level Truman show?

[graceabounds]

I feel so stuck now

I feel like life is on hold

I feel like I should do something

Are these feelings or thoughts?

I feel like I should do something

What is the raw sensation underneath this one in particular?


Is thought, formerly responsible for being the one in control (which doesn’t exist) now resurrecting as the one who has no control? Can you see how passivity is just the other side of the same coin? Heads: I do everything Tails: I can’t do anything
Both are positions!


How does dissatisfaction with life appear? You are seeing it! Expectations.
Comparing what is to some thought about something else that isn’t here.

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Are these feelings or thoughts?

They are all thoughts.

How does dissatisfaction with life appear? You are seeing it! Expectations.
Comparing what is to some thought about something else that isn’t here

.

Yes, I can see it happening.

I sat down and wrote down everything I could think of about what I expect my role in life to be, how I think I am supposed to live life. It is a very long list. All very unrealistic. All picked up from lots of places.

Here are some...

I am supposed to create my own life. Something exciting, daring, and successful. The engineer of my own life.

I am meant to have big dreams of big things and I am supposed to go after them. Planning, executing, revising. Using my intellect to drive towards the goals I set myself.

To push myself to be better at everything.

I am supposed to be disciplined, and mentally strong.

I am supposed to be happy most of the time.

...

All thoughts. But they are sticky things I believe important about how to live.

Maybe this is what happens when you get old and cynical. All these expectations pile up, and you can no longer look at life as it is anymore. It explains a lot.

And these beliefs or expectations are directly contradicted by what is being seen directly. I dont control thoughts at all, but most expectations I wrote down expect or rely on there being control.

Can you see how passivity is just the other side of the same coin? Heads: I do everything Tails: I can’t do anything
Both are positions!

What is the answer? That there is no position? That there is no answer? Because yes, now I can see myself taking two positions.

Ha ha, another expectation thought is here. I expect there to be an answer to this conundrum. And I want to know it.

And just like that I created another seeking job.

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Something seems different today.

Thoughts come up but I feel less need to chase them down or engage . Just like sounds appearing naturally, that happen and are heard without involvement.

Thoughts come, thoughts go. Only other thoughts hold them in place. When they go I am still here. And what is still here has no need of thoughts to be whatever it is.

Entertaining the possibility that I don't need to investigate everything. Maybe just let it be.

[graceabounds]

:)

I was halfway through a reply very early this morning when there was an ‘interruption’… and coming back now and seeing your update it is now unnecessary to post… just blah blah blah words…

What ‘sticky things’ remain?

[superchook]

Hi Becca, thank you for all the advice you sent, and for the advice you didn't end up sending too.

What ‘sticky things’ remain?

Expecting to take action and make decisions is still pretty sticky. Especially when I am at work. A big part of the work identity I think.

The 'shift' was noticing the answer to some questions is best answered by not asking (just stopping).

Who wanted to know? It is just a thought going on a hunt. Just stop. And the answer is... it never really mattered anyway.

It's nice not to have to go on another goose chase.

[graceabounds]

What doesn’t happen automatically at work?

Assuming tomorrow is a work day, take a look.

Is there actually a little manager inside manually operating experience? :)

Are you willing to give up ‘work identity’? (Language is imperfect here since there is no you to do such a thing… but look to the you who inflates to see where the attachment is.) Where does that land in the body?

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

It's not a work day today 😁 wahoo.

But...

The really sticky bit is this thought:
"I should be in control but I am not."

There is a feeling of agitation around it. And so many more thoughts coming up.

I'll give you an example, I saw the box my kettlebell (exercise) came in. I felt a brief sense of disappointment that I hadn't exercised recently, and then a thought came in. Does this mean a can't choose to have an opinion on myself not exercising or not? Normally, I would use feeling bad to guilt myself into doing something.

And the follow up thought, does this mean I will never exercise again (because I won't make a decision).

Direct seeing shows little things happen by themselves and then the thoughts come and take credit. And if I had control there would not be the idea of willpower, because only the thoughts you wanted would be there.

But this sticky belief is still there. I believe I make decisions, that I have opinions, that I decide what I like and what I don't, that I choose to do things or not.

It's freaking me out a bit. That two such contradictory things are in me. All I know about the world is being undone.

I am crying right now. I guess I more afraid, confused, frustrated than I thought.

Is everything I know going to be gone.

[graceabounds]

Hi Grant,

Life comes and goes, the same as it always did. Just without a center to whom ‘gone’ could be a personal affront.

Does a you need to be improved?

Sit with the agitation, the guilt, sit right down in it and take a look at what is actually there. What is there in guilt (or shame) that activity distracts from? What does it feel like in the body?

But this sticky belief is still there. I believe I make decisions, that I have opinions, that I decide what I like and what I don't, that I choose to do things or not.

Since these two perspectives are battling it out, go through the following step by step.

The aim of this exercise is to discover whether the function of choice can really be found or confirmed in actual experience. The idea of making ‘choices’ is a very clear example of a function that we wrongly identify as the basis of our identity.

Here's what’s needed - a chair, a table and two different drinks. Any two drinks you like are okay for this: coffee, tea, milk, water, juices, smoothies, beer, wine, etc.

Place the two drinks side by side on the table in front of you, sit comfortably on the chair and mentally label them as drink A and drink B.

Sit for a few moments, take a few relaxed breaths and let the dust settle. When you feel ready:
1. Look at drink A and at drink B. Think about their respective qualities, the things you like about them, compare and weigh the pros and cons of each. See if a preference is manifesting for one or the other.
2. Count to 5.
3. Choose one of the drinks. Pick it up and take a sip.

Remember that we’re looking for some kind of function, a something, an ‘I’ which is doing the ‘choosing’…

In step 1 when thinking about their respective qualities, did you ‘choose’ the qualities? Or did they kind of appear by themselves? If some preferences manifested, did you ‘choose’ these preferences? Or did they just pop up by themselves?

In step 2 when you counted to 5, if the preferences took the back seat while the numbers took the front seat, did you ‘choose’ this sequence of event? Did you ‘choose’ to shut down the preferences to give way to the counting? Did you directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Have you seen this function in action?

In step 3 where you made a choice, did you actually witness or directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Did anything arise that announced, ‘I am the chooser’? If so, what does this function look like?

Sometimes we describe this sense of choosing as a ‘feeling’: It feels like ‘I’ did the ‘choosing’. But the question is, can a feeling ‘choose’? Is it in the nature of a feeling to ‘choose’?

Hang in there! There is another angle to all this but want to cover this one first…

-Becca

[superchook]

Does a you need to be improved?

Lots of thoughts popping up like...

Well yes, I need to do more around the house, I need to have friends, I need a hobby, I need to be fit... and I am not.

Also, a recognisation that whatever is here without all thinking (when stopping and looking) is not worried about what is here or have any need to improve what is.

What does it feel like in the body?

A dull numb feeling in the face and upper chest.

What is there in guilt (or shame) that activity distracts from?

That was a powerful question! It got paired down to "what does activity distract from?".

After sitting with it a bit, activity distracts me from the disappointment that I am not what I want to be. That I am not what I think others want me to be. That I am not who they think I am. That I am not what they think I should be.

From someone saying "I am so disappointed in you", or my own thoughts "I am so disappointed with myself".

Ultimately it is distracting from disapproval from others.

It is nice to have some sunlight on all that. But also hard, and a bit painful. I can see the effect of these thoughts and beliefs in lots of behaviors.

---
And now the exercise. Which was very interesting.

In step 1 when thinking about their respective qualities, did you ‘choose’ the qualities? Or did they kind of appear by themselves?

Thoughts appears playing out the pros, cons, and what was known about the qualities of the drinks. No choice or editing was evident. They just appeared.

If some preferences manifested, did you ‘choose’ these preferences? Or did they just pop up by themselves?

No. Just a list of facts / info all thoughts that played back memory and what was known all as facts just appearing. No sign of any chooser.

In step 2 when you counted to 5, if the preferences took the back seat while the numbers took the front seat, did you ‘choose’ this sequence of event? Did you ‘choose’ to shut down the preferences to give way to the counting?

No. It just happened.

Did you directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Have you seen this function in action?

No, all automatic. Just a stream of events.

In step 3 where you made a choice, did you actually witness or directly experience a mental function or faculty doing the ‘choosing’? Did anything arise that announced, ‘I am the chooser’? If so, what does this function look like?

When the choice was seeing saw a hand shoot out and grab a glass. There was no chooser anywhere. It just happened.

I cross-compared a previous decision / choice from earlier. Same pattern. Some thoughts about a choice, then a choice with no chooser evident (it just happened), and in that case a thought following up personalising (saying I chose it) after it happened.

So. I see no chooser choosing. Choices get made. Thoughts happen before and after. I see no structure, person, I, whatever actually making a choice in experience. It is interesting that all these unconnected events thoughts arising before, an action, and thoughts afterwards come together to form something that makes it like look someone made a choice.

Sometimes we describe this sense of choosing as a ‘feeling’: It feels like ‘I’ did the ‘choosing’. But the question is, can a feeling ‘choose’? Is it in the nature of a feeling to ‘choose’?

No. It was clear. A choice got made, no feeling was involved. Qualities were described. A glass was selected, the hand moved, the glass was grabbed.

Interesting... who can be blamed for something when there was no one choosing. How can anything be 'wrong' or 'right' when there is no one choosing?

Even when I do good or bad things I still see, sense, think, smell, hear, live. Whatever it is that I actually am, it does not withhold no matter what happens.

Is it fair to be disappointed when someone never chose to take an action? How can there be guilt for something when no visible will, person, mind, entity made a choice to do that?

I don't know what to say.

[superchook]

Sorry, reading back the post. Something was a bit garbled. I wrote.

When the choice was seeing saw a hand shoot out and grab a glass. There was no chooser anywhere. It just happened.

That should have been...

When the choice was made, 'seeing' saw a hand shoot out and grab a glass. There was no chooser anywhere. It just happened.

[graceabounds]

Very good.

I’m going to give you another.

Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labeled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen. Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all? Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labeled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

yes, I need to do more around the house, I need to have friends, I need a hobby, I need to be fit

What comes up around this after doing that exercise?

activity distracts me from the disappointment that I am not what I want to be. That I am not what I think others want me to be. That I am not who they think I am. That I am not what they think I should be.

So activity is a distraction from thought? Does that work? Or do the thoughts come anyway?
Are you generating or in any way responsible for these thoughts?

Ultimately it is distracting from disapproval from others.

Are there others?
If no one here taking action, in ownership of thought, responsible, then…. ?

Big love,
Becca

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Apologies for the gap in responding. I did the exercise and have maintained some focus on looking and noticed a few things.

(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labeled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?

No there is no connection. The more looking, the flatter the image and more obvious the disconnection. Thoughts come in to make connections.

(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?

No.

(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?

Only thoughts make the suggestion.

(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?

Only colours and shapes. I did some other exercises like this in a book by Galen Sharp. Looking at things and examining whether it is just a field of colour and shade we sense, or independent things that you come across that you can detect.

The image I have learned to call me in the mirror is just like everything sensed by seeing, part of a field of light and colour, and not a separate thing.

(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen. Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?

No. Just thoughts and memory as expectations.

(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?

Only sensations.

(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all? Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?

This is harder to examine, because more senses come in and coordinated things happen at the same time, scene moves, sound of steps and clothes moving, body sensations balance, movement, touch, weight changes on body parts.

Without language, thought, memory it is just all those things happening. And there are thoughts saying "of course this is walking".

Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all? Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?

There is an experience (a set of sensations and senses), and thoughts label it walking.

Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?

There is an experience (a set of sensations and senses), and thoughts label it body.

Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?

No walking is no to be found on its own.
Walking is a label for a set of senses that happen together, and have happened before.

(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labeled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

They happen, and then a context 'location' is added by thought after.

----

yes, I need to do more around the house, I need to have friends, I need a hobby, I need to be fit

What comes up around this after doing that exercise?

The energy is drained out of those. Nothing really comes up.

So activity is a distraction from thought? Does that work? Or do the thoughts come anyway?
Are you generating or in any way responsible for these thoughts?

This is a powerful enquiry. Activity is distraction? From what?

Does it work, yes but not for long. The thoughts definitely always come, there is no stopping it. And no, as has been seen, thoughts are not generated or controlled by a me.

Are there others?
If no one here taking action, in ownership of thought, responsible, then…. ?

I did not create myself, or create the conditions and context that lead to thoughts, preferences, behaviours or any of it.
And if I didn't, neither did others.

Also, if I can't pick 'myself' or 'my body' out of an image field (mirror), then what evidence do I have to say that the other image is another person. Only thoughts tell me it is another person.

Hmmmmm. Ok. Freaky.

----

Something else that got noticed this week.

A mechanism, a loop.

It seems there is a loop that constantly looks at experience and does this over and over, always on alert. The loop is:

" What is wrong? Why is it wrong? What should I do?..... What is wrong? Why is it wrong? What should I do? ... "

There it is, a constant loop that is resisting what is.

I noticed it in the background, and then going into overdrive a few times this week.

I would like whatever it is to be free from the burden of constant vigilance. Free from constantly having to be on the look out for things that are 'wrong'?

It's not like it can do anything about anything, anyway.

[graceabounds]

Also, if I can't pick 'myself' or 'my body' out of an image field (mirror), then what evidence do I have to say that the other image is another person. Only thoughts tell me it is another person.

Hmmmmm. Ok. Freaky.

Precisely. Gold star.
So if there is no one in control over here… is there a separate someone making choices over there?

Does responsibility exist?


To the final question about looping… it points back to ‘activity is a distraction’
Underneath these looping thoughts there is a response in the body system. It is likely a feeling labeled ‘unwanted’ or ‘uncomfortable’. Go right there with this loop on repeat and sit down in the sensations. Tell me what is being experienced. What wants to be seen or expressed or to move through? (this isn’t a question to be answered with thought, ask the body)

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

It's been a while since my last reply which is not ideal, so I am rearranging some daily things so I can work on this daily and reply more frequently. I really appreciate your coaching, and things are definitely shifting, thank you so much. :)

Here's an update. There have been a few insights and shifts. So I broke it into events.

The Responsibility Question

Does responsibility exist?

I can't remember the exact scenario, but at one point there was conflict with someone else. So I combined this question with looking at the uncomfortable feeling that usually comes up when I feel like I have said something wrong, asking the body what needs to be seen or expressed, or needs to move.

There was a sharp intake of breath, and sharp feelings that go with "oh no, what did I do!" thoughts. I stayed with the feelings and asked it to express itself. And after some time writing started happening (like it was automatic). Here's what got written down:

"I didn't do anything. I don't do anything. We don't do anything. We are not responsible for anything. You didn't do anything. They didn't do anything.

There is nothing to forgive. There is nothing to be done. There is nothing to do. And nothing happened.

Nothing is happening.

There is nothing to do."

The nothing is happening part is realisation that this, whatever it is, is what is happening. Nothing. Happening. I keep looking, and I keep seeing nothing but nothing happening.

And another thing that is being realised (slowly) is that stuff that happens doesn't mean anything. Something happened, it didn't mean anything, there is nothing to do about it.


The feeling under the loop

This time reflecting on the way I reacted to a person at work (lots of conflict happening).

> Underneath these looping thoughts there is a response in the body system. It is likely a feeling labeled ‘unwanted’ or ‘uncomfortable’. Go right there with this loop on repeat and sit down in the sensations. Tell me what is being experienced. What wants to be seen or expressed or to move through? (this isn’t a question to be answered with thought, ask the body)

The feeling got labelled agitation. And the usual thought pattern (what is wrong with me) jumped in there with "Why am I so agitated?!?"

Then staying with feelings this came up: "I don't know! Leave me alone!", then feelings of fear, anxiety, recollections of wanting to get away from these feelings and scrutiny.

More thoughts:

"
I don't know why I feel like this.
I don't know why I am like this.
I don't know why I do this.
It's hopeless, I can't do this. "

In response to another thought: "Why did you do that?!?"

Feelings that got labelled as guilt and shame.

More thoughts: "You can't hurt people like that again."

Followed by sensations of a low burning around the heart area, shuddering, tears.

Honestly, it felt OK to let it all out. I am not used to letting feelings run their course. Normally this gets bottled up until I can't handle it anymore.

Which leads me to the next event...

Realising something about feelings

On the train I took some time to look more at this feeling of dissatisfaction I get when going to work.

I "sat in the sensation" like you said. But... I somehow interpreted that as zooming into the sensation getting it really intensely (which is what I have somewhere learned to do). Here's what happened next...

It felt really uncomfortable (well duh!) and realised this can't be it. So I tried relaxing around the feeling instead and creating space around it.

Well that was much better and a series of realisations happened... it was noticed that "In the seen there is simply the seen, and in the heard is simply the heard" is true for me, but "in the felt there is stuff I don't know how to deal with."

It was noticed that I seem to zero in on feelings and treat them like things that need to be moved on. Also, clearly focusing in on them and zooming in like I do confines feelings and they can't breathe. The loop: "what is wrong, why is it wrong, why is this feeling here?"

I realised I will not let the poor feeling be. Kind of like harassing it.

When the space opened up around the feeling, more realisations came.

When I actually look (while open) it is seen this is just sensations and thoughts playing with themselves. Is there anything to be solved here?

A really clear image came up of two cats play-fighting each other. It's just a game, it doesn't mean anything.

Just another actor in the play of life. Awareness making it all happen. Shaping, forming, playing, going. Play fighting.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just here. Hanging out.

---

That's all that has happened since last time.

Bit by bit these realisations are seeping in. And life is feeling less serious. :)

[graceabounds]

Hello Grant,

The writing is secondary to the looking, and there has been a lot of looking evident here, so whatever is in flow schedule-wise to continue to explore in this way is good.

The nothing is happening part is realisation that this, whatever it is, is what is happening. Nothing. Happening. I keep looking, and I keep seeing nothing but nothing happening.

Yes. Everything else is just layers on top.
So…
in this same way LOOK.
Is there someONE happening? Was there ever a me?

Honestly, it felt OK to let it all out. I am not used to letting feelings run their course. Normally this gets bottled up until I can't handle it anymore

Yes, suppression has been the strategy of the self to manage what is. But without that self structure, it can move. Getting the movement to look a certain way or to resolve (in other words to look at it with the intention tor it to go away) is also… another strategy.

Yes, it doesn’t mean anything in particular. It doesn’t need to be analyzed or interpreted. It just gets to kove through. Even to be seen kind of can be taken as a doing with an agenda, but we have to use some words to point here… :)

Awareness making it all happen

Is Awareness a thing that can do things?

And life is feeling less serious. :)

Bravo!

Much love,
Becca