realizing selflessness

[Anastacia42]

my life is starting to feel less like day after day of torture.

Yes, that's relevant. You're doing well.

Keep relaxing into the practice.

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

Have you read Gateless Gatecrashers downloadable here on this site?

Here's another relevant book:

https://a.co/d/0jkEq54G

By the way, sadness happens when we argue with reality & want things to be other than they are. You're fine just as you are.

Loving

[whoknows]

Have you read Gateless Gatecrashers downloadable here on this site?

Yep, I read some chunks of it while waiting to be assigned a guide here.

Here's another relevant book:

https://a.co/d/0jkEq54G

I've read a little bit of Alan Watts but maybe not any of this book. I'll take a look.

[whoknows]

25-minute afternoon meditation: Quieter mind than usual. Pleasant.

[Anastacia42]

GOOD!

[whoknows]

After realizing I was procrastinating on doing any sort of practice by surfing spirituality-related videos, I finally settled down to practice with the same video clip I keep using on noticing thoughts as they arise. There were quite a few thoughts, but I noticed them quickly and/or they seemed fairly transparent, by which I mean that they didn't totally disrupt awareness of the sensations and perceptions of the here and now, or at least not for long.

Then did two minutes of ButtChair before I had to leave. It was interesting to feel like I needed to get down to business and take advantage of those two minutes. My attention was more with the sensations than usual. Still no sense that there are only experiences and no separate experiencer.

[Anastacia42]

Still no sense that there are only experiences and no separate experiencer.

There will be. Separation is simply a lie, a hallucination.

You are hallucinating.

You must stop believing your thoughts about this.

Loving

[whoknows]

You are hallucinating.

You must stop believing your thoughts about this.

I will be glad to be cured of this psychosis.

15 more minutes of ButtChair: Mind not excessively busy. Was settling into the sensations of feeling, seeing, and hearing, with special attention to butt-on-chair sensations. Reminding myself to relax into it and to let go, to observe what is actually here: the sensations, and that's it (well, and thoughts too, but no need to pay any heed to the content of them). Sensations, sensations, sensations — that's what's here — a collection of sensations. But the "self" illusion persists.

[Anastacia42]

Good. Just keep practicing.

You may have done this, but we're looking for what exactly it is you're calling a "self," since there is no such thing.

Explore ‘Sense of Self'

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

Loving,

[whoknows]

Explore ‘Sense of Self'

Third time around for this, but I'll try to start fresh and answer based on exploring and reflecting again right now.

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

My sense of self is located mainly in my head. I've been realizing that there are various aspects of my sense of self. The aspect that is the observer of my experience is located especially around and behind my eyes. The aspect that is where my thoughts appear is in my head and in front of my face. The aspect that is the initiator of my actions is maybe located vaguely in the middle of my head, and the initiator specifically of my speaking seems, at least sometimes, to be located in my mouth and throat. My cheeks also sometimes seem to be part of my sense of self, and my sense of self sometimes seems to extend down to the middle of my upper chest. And maybe sometimes my sense of self encompasses all or most of my body, but I'm not sure about that.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

Not that I've noticed. (But I'm curious what other people say about this and whether their answers might make me go, "Oh, yeah, there's a little of that.")

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

Other than location, size, and shape . . . hmm . . . I'm not coming up with anything. (Again, I'm curious what other people say.)

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

The sense of the "self" that I'm trying to see the illusory nature of is, I think, mostly made of thoughts, maybe images especially, plus physical sensations, mainly in my head, especially my face. (Then there's the awareness/consciousness/being/presence that also seems like part of my sense of self but which is real.)

What is found?

I'm not entirely sure what is being asked here, but if this means "What can be found through direct experience of this 'sense of self'?" then it's just bodily sensations.

[Anastacia42]

Yes. I know. It's a good pointer for your confusion.

The illusion of "self" is the body Sensation of lying, which is heaviness or contraction plus thoughts.

around and behind my eyes.

vaguely in the middle of my head,

Are the Sensations tight? Heavy?

Loving

[whoknows]

around and behind my eyes.

vaguely in the middle of my head,

Are the Sensations tight? Heavy?

By "the middle of my head," I meant inside my skull, in the middle of my brain, so I don't have any physical sensations there, but the sensations around my eyes do feel tight. However, although I understand and have experienced that lying sensations can feel tight, I'm still not buying that that's what's going on around my eyes. It seems to me like it's probably eyestrain from staring at screens too much and/or allergies (which I have for much of the year where I now live) or other sinus issues. But I will consider your idea about lying sensations, and it will be interesting to see if these sensations change or vanish when* I see through the fiction of "self."

*(I noticed that you were checking in with all the folks you've been guiding who seemed to have vanished from LU. I definitely will not be abandoning the mission to realize no-self.)

[Anastacia42]

Here's an idea: just relax & receive.

Don't look for anything. Don't name anything.

Names & words will come up. Ignore them. See what happens.

Loving,

[whoknows]

Here's an idea: just relax & receive.

Don't look for anything. Don't name anything.

Names & words will come up. Ignore them. See what happens.

Reading this, I watched my mind go, "Yeah, that seems reasonable, but . . . but . . . what does that MEAN? What do I DO?"

And then I thought of one of my favorite lines from Adyashanti, who observes that our little mind always wants something to DO and can only imagine doing nothing as something like sitting on the couch eating Cheetos.

So, back to his video "Do Nothing" and Angelo's "The One Pointed Approach to Awakening" (which is for "when we get tired of the mental seeking").

I think my recent focus on noticing thoughts as they arise was helpful, but perhaps now I can ease off of that for a bit. It seems like maybe there's a rhythm to this: try for a while, then "relax & receive" for a while?

Planning to attend Vince's Zoom group tomorrow afternoon (my time). And have been reading parts of some of his threads in the LU Archives.