realizing selflessness

[Anastacia42]

It just opens your mind to other people who are seeking and have found no self.

[whoknows]

Did a few minutes here and there of ButtChair during various periods of waiting at the doctor's office (annual physical).

Then did about 15 minutes at home.

I'm in one of those moods where I'm just sick of it — sick of practice, sick of looking for helpful videos and helpful Zoom groups, sick of trying to wake up. One of the only Angelo DiLullo videos I can use for meditation/pointing the past several days is "The One Pointed Approach to Awakening," which speaks directly to this state of mind and validates it. I've been playing that one a lot.

It's interesting that ButtChair is simple enough that I don't feel a lot of rebellion against it.

Anyway, when I did ButtChair at home, given my state of mind and taking to heart your repeated reminders to relax, I tried to feel like I was giving up on all of this effort and just sinking into the sensations and soaking in them, like soaking in a hot bath.

[Anastacia42]

giving up on all of this effort and just sinking into the sensations and soaking in them, like soaking in a hot bath.

That sounds very good. There is such a thing as trying too hard.


Why don't you take the weekend off? Check your gut feeling.

Loving,

[whoknows]

Why don't you take the weekend off? Check your gut feeling.

Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Anastacia42]

You're welcome.

See you next week.

Loving

[whoknows]

Haven't done any ButtChair since Friday morning. I did continue with my regular twice-daily meditation time but was more relaxed about it, in the sense of not worrying so much about what it might be “best” for me to do with that time but just doing whatever I felt like doing.

I also watched some videos, mostly Angelo DiLullo but also one from Rupert Spira, whom I haven’t been following as much in the past six months or so as I did for at least a year before that. And I watched part of Ilona’s interview with Loch Kelly, whose name I’d run across before, but I did a little more poking around to see who he is and what he’s up to. Such videos often explicitly include guided meditation/inquiry, and even when they don’t, they often lead me there, and that feels much more relaxed and less effortful and practice-y than just sitting myself down in an upright position and being very still and trying to “do” some sort of meditation all on my own. So I often use these during my "official" meditation periods but also at other times.

(Sometime in the last year or two, I realized that my background with Zen and Tibetan Buddhism had led me to be prejudiced against guided meditation, feeling like it was “impure” or “cheating” or would make me dependent on it or something. I’ve gotten over that.)

I also attended another one of Vince’s Zoom meetings this afternoon. He spent a long time with me, and I feel like he's getting a sense of what sort of pointing might be most helpful for me. I’ll be returning, probably at least once a week. Thanks again for pointing me toward these meetings.

[Anastacia42]

That all sounds very good. I thought in-person might help.

Keep me posted.

Loving ,

[whoknows]

By the way, I also contacted Pernille and Todd, and I probably won't try their monthly "inquiry group" because (1) the recording gets posted publicly on YouTube (as is the case with two of Vince's four weekly groups, and I probably won't go to those two, or if I do, I'll just lurk) and (2) it looks like there are usually at least 25 participants (while Vince's groups usually seem to have maybe 5 or 6 tops).

[Anastacia42]

Don't go nuts with groups.

Stacy relaxed.

Loving,

[whoknows]

Returning to ButtChair and trying again to feel like I'm giving up on effortful practice and just sinking into the sensations and soaking in them. Did a series of consecutive 5-minute periods.

- First 5 minutes: Mostly mental chatter (and responding to a text).

- Next 5(?) minutes (forgot to start the timer): Lots of chatter, but remembered a nice insight spawned by Loch Kelly video: that if I recognize that I don't at this moment have any problems I need to solve, that reduces the stickiness of huge swaths of thoughts.

- Next 5 minutes: Mind beginning to settle down a little. Unfortunately, had to stop after that. One of the most important reminders for myself: "Don't take notes" (courtesy of Angelo DiLullo). I.e., during meditation, I don't need to be putting my experience into words for myself, you, or anyone else.

[Anastacia42]

Good. Again, Just LOOK.

And true.

Loving,