Papillon

[papillon]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this? That the entire identity-psychological I- is an illusion. Due to strong beliefs, convictions, thoughts, emotions, attachments -- a contraction is created within the open space that causes us to build walls around ourselves. Everything is perceived as threat. We believe ourselves to actually be a small me behind the eyes looking out to the world.

What are you looking for at LU? It feels like there is still a tiny thread holding me to the 'identity', like a final small thing to let go of. The space is open. I understand Douglas Harding's headless exercises now. It seems my previous experience of life is incredibly fragmented, now there is space, calm, finally the light of attention is turned outwards, but something feels incomplete. Maybe even this feeling of incompleteness is another trap but still worth looking into.

What do you expect from a guided conversation? To dissolve any remaining contractions/doubts that may exist. The experience of life is already different, more relaxed, more open. The entire visual field is clear, unobstructed. Thoughts and emotions arise, I get pulled back in, and I want to resolve any obstructions that may still be there.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry? Spiritual literature, books, few lousy attempts at meditation.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[graceabounds]

Hello Papillon,
(is that the name you’d like for me to use here?)

I’m happy to sit here beside you in this exploration.

Is there still a final thread that feels present? How would you describe it or when does it appear?

In gratitude,
Becca

[papillon]

Hi Becca,

We can use 'papillon'.
Thanks for doing this.

Is there still a final thread that feels present? How would you describe it or when does it appear?

There is still switching between two 'modes' -- from openness where living is incredibly light, unfragmented, without intermediary, then back into the contraction (person). the "person" comes back with all its stories and suffering and seeking. So it seems very incomplete. It comes back mostly in moments of unpleasant bodily experience, fear, anxiety.

[graceabounds]

Hello Papillon,

You reference incomplete. What would ‘complete’ look like? What is expected?

When the “‘person’ comes back”, is it seen through? Meaning is there still full identification with the stories, or are they somewhat hollow?

Now go into the body where contraction happens.

Dropping the labels of ‘anxiety’ and ‘fear’, underneath that…

What is it, exactly?
Tightness? Pressure? Heat?

Staying with raw sensation only, describe what is experienced. Is it still or moving?

Does not wanting this sensation = ‘I’?

-Becca

[papillon]

Hi Becca,

When the person comes back, the stories feel somewhat hollow -- I can see them as stories, but there's still getting pulled in, especially with unpleasant bodily sensations and fear.

Underneath the labels of anxiety and fear there's tightness and contraction in throat and gut mostly. Heat sometimes. Pressure. When I look directly at the contraction it becomes harder to locate, loses solidity.

Whether not wanting it equals 'I', I think so, yes. The resistance to it feels like the core of it. But I'm still confused. I don't know if anything actually shifted or if I'm just getting better at talking about this. That feels important to be honest about.

Papillon

[graceabounds]

Great.

The important thing is not whether “something shifted” (and as a side note it is far better to sit inside uncertainty than claim certainty about any of this.) What matters is the stories are being seen as stories.

So that resistance is the apparent self. Now look under the hood at the tightness and contraction. You already noticed when examined directly, it loses solidity. So stay with it as best you can. Is there any self in the tightness and contraction? Is there actually an entity there??
Is there anything to be resisted in these sensations as they appear and disappear? Does the contraction mean danger?

What is “not wanting” made of?