Sage

[Elad]

The seeing that there is more trust in belief then in direct experience is a good step.

The seeing that there is no you to control it, no you who can control it is also a good step.


Continue seeing how beliefs, with no verification, just are being held onto, without control, without a chooser.


And this is important: Yes, very little real interest in just what is here, just what is true. Practically all energy goes to fantasies and beliefs "about self, disconnected and disinterested in LIFE HERE NOW AS IT IS. What is actually here is. hardly ever attended to and truly appreciated, it is given the minimal attention needed to respond correctly to questions. It is given so little attention that there is no sense of newness and mystery.


And also this of course just happens. It is innocent, despite the suffering it causes.


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Here is a story for you from a fellow guide, Vince:


She didn’t say it at first.

It hovered at the edge of the conversation, tightening her shoulders, shortening her breath.
Finally, it came out sideways:

“If I let go of control… I’m scared I’ll stop caring.”

They were sitting at a café table by the window. Outside, traffic slid past in uneven waves. She watched a cyclist wobble briefly, then find balance again.

She’d spent years gripping her life tightly — not dramatically, but constantly.
Schedules. Lists. Mental rehearsals. Quiet pressure.

Control had been her fuel.
Fear was the match.

She remembered times when she had loosened — moments of rest, surrender, softness. They felt good… and then quickly frightening.

Because after the softness came the thought:

What if I don’t start again?

She pictured herself stalled. Unmotivated. Drifting.
Life unlived.

As if control were the only thing keeping her upright.

Later that night, lying in bed, she noticed something subtle.

Her hand was clenched.

Not metaphorically.
Actually.

She unclenched it.

Nothing dramatic happened.
The world didn’t collapse.
Her ambitions didn’t evaporate.

But her breath deepened on its own.

She realised then:
what she was afraid of losing wasn’t drive —
it was the familiar strain that had always masqueraded as purpose.

Control had never been the engine.

It was the brake she’d been leaning on so long, she mistook the pressure for motion.

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Now the next exercise:

Deeper Body Investigation


Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.
Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror? Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’? Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colours and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).

Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’? Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

[Elad]

Hi Sage, letting you know I think of you from time to time and how things are unfolding. No need to respond before you are ready.

[Sage]

Hi Elad, sorry for the long silence.
My research has stalled.
I think it's fear.
Can we try to work on this?
Do you think it's okay?
Thanks

[Elad]

Hello Sage, nice to hear from you! Certainly!

Tell me about your fear, whatever comes to mind!

[Sage]

In theory, I think I'm afraid of discovering that I don't exist, of my annihilation, whatever that means.
In practice, it translates into me not even trying to do the last exercise you suggested.
At first, I thought it was just a day or two of inactivity. I tried to give myself time for this to change, for the determination to do the exercise to look to come but it never came.
Now I think I understand that it's precisely this fear. I know that nothing real can be threatened and that what isn't real already doesn't exist, so nothing will fundamentally change, but it's as if I don't want to abandon my illusions.
I don't know how to unlock this.

[Elad]

In theory, I think I'm afraid of discovering that I don't exist, of my annihilation, whatever that means.
In practice, it translates into me not even trying to do the last exercise you suggested.
At first, I thought it was just a day or two of inactivity. I tried to give myself time for this to change, for the determination to do the exercise to look to come but it never came.
Now I think I understand that it's precisely this fear. I know that nothing real can be threatened and that what isn't real already doesn't exist, so nothing will fundamentally change, but it's as if I don't want to abandon my illusions.
I don't know how to unlock this.

Got it good.

Don't try to make the fear go away. Instead, invite the fear of losing something repeatedly, and be curious. How exactly is it experienced? What is there?

Whenever you see fear or resistance come up, it is a golden opportunity. Just take an interest in what it actually is, what it consists of, how it is experienced, how it appears and disappears, without ever trying to change it or make it go away.

Write me what is experienced and seen.

[Sage]

Hi Elad
First of all, I have to say that I find it extremely difficult to allow myself to fully feel fear because I can "sniff" it from afar and immediately react with rejection/resistance/avoidance.

When it does reach me, I feel a strong discomfort in my body, especially in my chest and stomach. It's like tension or a tightness. There's no immediate precise content, just a very uncomfortable sensation.
Thoughts come later, like "I might miss something" or "It's not right," but they seem a bit confused. They come and go.
The feeling doesn't stay the same. Sometimes it increases or decreases a little, and if I stay there doing nothing, nothing special happens except feeling this great resistance, this internal NO to staying with what's there.
So I feel like stopping, distracting myself, doing something else, and that's exactly what happened with your penultimate mirror exercise.
I simply don't do it; I digress, thinking "not now, later/tomorrow" precisely because I resist even the possibility of feeling fear.
One thing I see is that all of this happens on its own. I have no control over the onset of resistance/avoidance/fear of fear, and I can't push it away despite my entire being's resistance. If I think about it, the resistance hurts more than the fear itself.

[Elad]

What you’re describing has lots of clarity!

Especially the noticing that resistance hurts more than fear, and that none of this is controlled.

For now, don’t try to feel fear fully. There’s no need.

Instead, when the NO or tightening appears, just notice it for one or two breaths, and then stop. Let yourself move away if that’s what happens.

We’re not training endurance here. We’re letting the system learn that noticing does not equal danger.

Also invite a playful and chill/easygoing attitude in doing it. Not systematic. No big deal. Just looking here and there, noticing a little fear, noticing some variation of resistance. Noticing and moving on. No big deal.

We are gently undramatically helping the system remember it's natural state. Like in most people, this system has been conditioned to perpetually be in a place of "trying hard" or "collapsing". Both are really born out of misunderstanding.

Play with this, short easy going moments, many times. Let me know what what happens.

[Sage]

Hi!
So… I have to be honest, this exercise is very hard to me. The resistance and fear are still very heavy, and I often feel trapped, like I can't let go. I try to stop for a moment, observe them, breathe… but often I struggle to detach myself, or I almost feel like running away from the experience itself.
However, little by little, a strange insight has come to me. I've noticed that fear and resistance only come later, like explanations the mind constructs. Like: if I don't do something "out of fear," in direct experience, that thing simply doesn't happen. After that, the "fear/resistance" story comes in, but in reality, there are only physical sensations and things that happen or don't. So it seems like fear and resistance are just thoughts, stories based on what happens in the body, rather than real events to be faced.
Not that this makes everything easier—in fact, I still feel overwhelmed—but every now and then, when I see this, I manage to smile a little internally.

[Elad]

Hi Sage,

This is good movement. Especially noticing that sensations happen first, and the fear story comes later.

Now, even that does not need to be held on to. Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you’re missing something, it is just this place in the process.

When the smile appears, enjoy it, and let it come and go.

Continue just as you are doing: brief noticing, one or two breaths, then rest, chill, do whatever.

"Life is teaching in its own way and rythm"

[Sage]

Hi! Thanks for your words, they're very helpful. I continue to observe physical sensations without judging them, and I realize how much of a difference it makes not to hold anything back. When fear arrives, I can now perceive it for what it is: a sensation that's there, but that doesn't necessarily have to become a big problem. And this makes me feel "lighter," as if the mental narrative surrounding it were less solid, less urgent.
I also get that smile you mentioned more often, when I see that fear is nothing more than a passing thought, nothing more. It's like a little "Ah!" of awareness that really makes a difference.
I see that, by letting go, resistance begins to dissolve, and I feel less and less "hooked" to that feeling of having to fight against something. It's interesting, because sometimes everything seems simpler than I initially thought.

Thanks again!

[Elad]

Hi Sage,

Yes, exactly. This is clear seeing.

Notice how nothing special needs to be added to what you’re describing. Lighter, simpler, that’s a natural consequence of clarity deepening by itself in this process, not something to do or hold on to.

Let the “Ah!” moments come and go like everything else.

Just continue: noticing when it happens, noticing when it doesn’t. Life doing life. No one truly there to make it happen or not, no one truly there to control it.

Just let this happen for a while and write again.

With love,
Elad

[Sage]

Just continue: noticing when it happens, noticing when it doesn’t.

Of course I will definitely do it

Life doing life. No one truly there to make it happen or not, no one truly there to control it.

In fact, I see that I'm neither what makes things happen nor what have control , even if there's the illusion that I do.
I feel more like what observes and in this i fell my presence.. does that make sense?

[Elad]

That's good movement right there.

Now once in a while, notice the observing/awareness itself. Does it have a doer, a self, that is doing it, or is awareness just there inherently as part of experience with no self that can make it happen or not happen?

No need to answer me quick. Just look many times, particularly when calmness is there, in calm and relaxed moments (when there is more tension and anxiety in body mind, often the thoughts that argue and discuss and vail simple seeing, are more intense).

[Sage]

Now once in a while, notice the observing/awareness itself. Does it have a doer, a self, that is doing it, or is awareness just there inherently as part of experience with no self that can make it happen or not happen?

I'm not the one "doing" awareness. I don't purposely observe.
It happens spontaneously, and I have no power to "manage" it.
Consciousness and experience are inseparable, like two sides of the same coin: experience happens and is known at the same time.
The strong sense of my presence and of being the observer remains.