Fellow traveler on liberation road

[poppyseed]

Hi Adam
It's good to hear from you!
We have some checkpoint questions, where the other guides check if we've missed anything. Do you want to give them a try?
You don't have to answer right away, maybe let all calm down a bit.
Here there are... If the self is truly gone—then answer clearly, from direct experience, not from memory or concept:

1. Is there a separate entity—‘self,’ ‘me,’ ‘I’—at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?

2. Describe how the illusion of a self arose. Not in theory—
Give a precise, visceral, real-life example.
When did you see it most clearly? What was the mechanism?

3. What has changed, concretely, in the last 72 hours?
Not “more peace” or “less thinking.”
What’s different in your moment-to-moment life that cannot be faked or reversed?

4. What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5. What is decision, intention, free will, choice, and control—now?
Give real examples. Describe how action happens in daily life.
Where is “Adam” in any of it?

6. What are you responsible for?
Name a recent moment when something happened—did “you” do it?

7. Anything to add?

Don’t drift into abstraction. Don’t philosophize. Don’t narrate. Speak from DE. If the self is gone, then nothing in you can answer these from identity. So either they ring empty—or the story comes crawling back.

Love
Rali

[adamluc]

Hi Rali,

Note - I will use the words "I" or "Me", but there is no longer an I or Me, its just easier to communicate that way.

1. Is there a separate entity—‘self,’ ‘me,’ ‘I’—at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?

No and No.

2. Describe how the illusion of a self arose. Not in theory—
Give a precise, visceral, real-life example.
When did you see it most clearly? What was the mechanism?

I am aware of what created the self, but I prefer not to go into much detail in a public forum - I can talk around it a bit though below with an example and provide some details. The discovery for me happened when I had my first awakening experience (breaking buddhist fetters 1-3).

Similar Example:
The self was born by trying to manage trauma early in life, for example - managing the expectation of wanting to play with a toy and not getting the toy, and due to the strong negative sensations "not having" from that type of experience, a self was created as a a way to manage the disappointment that must have felt so strong. Effectively an identity was born that can shield me from the disappointment of not getting the toy. This has many side effects as the self itself gets in the drivers seat, and hence at some point we notice we are not driving ourselves.

The actual root of my "self" was created to attempt to align myself to what my mother wanted me to be, a specific trait of a person. It influenced a large array of the decisions I made over the course of my life and also drove a lot of my own suffering. I saw this most clearly in a therapy session - trying to understand when I was very young - what was driving the foundation of how I saw myself - when this was revealed to me, it felt like too much to take on and I shut down. Only when I looked around later in the day, I saw the shift and realized what happened - I saw the root of the self. It was a harrowing experience, such a large realization that was not a positive experience. The shift was positive, but overshadowed by how I got there, which really felt overwhelming - it took months for me to really process. That happened about a year and a half ago.

3. What has changed, concretely, in the last 72 hours?
Not “more peace” or “less thinking.”
What’s different in your moment-to-moment life that cannot be faked or reversed?

Originally, I felt a hollowness shortly after the shift, something was lost. In addition, I immediately saw I lost my perspective - there was no longer any sense of another aspect to experience, now it was simply direct.

Nothing has changed - things that occur are like drops in a still pond. No matter what drops in, there is no more resonance with anything in the pond, and the wake created by what is dropped in just fades away.

4. What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

I am not sure how I triangulated to what ultimately dissolved the self, only that it was a search for just the right thing - and in an odd experience there was a realization that the self was attached to awareness which appeared to be the last aspect the self clinged to - it felt like a short circuit type of feeling when the realization occurred - when this was realized, the self disappeared.

5. What is decision, intention, free will, choice, and control—now?
Give real examples. Describe how action happens in daily life.
Where is “Adam” in any of it?

Decisions just happen. there is no intention, free will. Choices can be derived by the mind, but ultimately the decision just is made - Things flow significantly easier then I have ever experienced. Some control is still there, but is more of a conditioning - I see it almost like a phantom limb. The control aspect is something to be shed - it is much smaller then it used to be and if it arises, it can be viewed neutrally and discarded as there is nothing to get in the way. I expect this to be the next phase of the journey.

Adam is no more :)

6. What are you responsible for?
Name a recent moment when something happened—did “you” do it?

There is no you/me any longer, things just happen. I can't attribute a decision to anything as there is nothing to attribute to - there is just "this".

7. Anything to add?

Thank you for all of your help.

Ultimately, the journey was going to happen, it kept pulling me along - the ride was generally not easy, but it seems to be worth it thus far.

The other thing I find interesting is interactions with other people. Its much easier to see and understand what drives some interactions when there is no one in my drivers seat.

[poppyseed]

Hi Adam

There is a question for you:

I am not sure how I triangulated to what ultimately dissolved the self...

What self was there to dissolve if there has never been a self?

Love
Rali

[adamluc]

Hi Rali,

What self was there to dissolve if there has never been a self?

I see the above as looking at via two lenses, one where I engage in the world and act with societal norms, and the other via the spiritual path. I reside in both to live life, but my primary is the spiritual path.

1. societal norms: Through the lens of analysis and when relying on the mind to look at it's recollection of history - to dissolve something means it needs to have been there in the first place, otherwise there would be less suffering in general if there was no self - whether it was an illusion that was manufactured or not doesn't matter with this lens, the fact is there was a past, and a "now" and those are different experiences.

2. spiritual path: my statement above is a way to convey the transition as a form of communication. Through the lens of the spiritual path, there was never a self at all - there is just this.

Thanks
Adam

[poppyseed]

Hi Adam
Welcome home!

It appears that the Gateless Gate has been crossed, but as you know there is no Gate, no one to cross it, and no end to the journey. It has been a pleasure to walk beside you! Of course it is not necessarily the end of our conversation.

There have been no more questions for you, which means that you will receive an email notifying you of a PM from the forum, inviting you to join LU's Facebook groups. It also has other information that might be of interest to you. I will inbox you my contact details if you want to stay in touch. If you have any questions, just ask, or you can drop a line on your thread here and I will respond.

Your username will change from green to blue. This thread will be moved to the ‘Archive’ section of the forum, but you will be able to access it.

Please don’t forget that this is just the beginning of exploring. It’s the beginning of cleaning up of all sorts of old beliefs. Emotions and feelings can show up to be seen and felt, so don’t stop looking! Please feel free to contact me, so we can have a look together, if you like.

We have a couple of support groups that are meeting via teleconference, which you will be able to access once your name has turned blue, join in any group discussions on FB, or make use of LU online support groups run by senior guides free of charge.

There are three of those, and they meet on Zoom – do contact the organisers for extra info, links and schedules:
1) Vince runs one on Wednesdays and weekends. Contact: vinceschubert@gmail.com
2) Luchana and Lubo run one on Thursdays. Contact: Luchana at luchanauzunova@gmail.com
3) Ilona holds a monthly meeting. Contact: admin@ilonaciunaite.com

viewforum.php?f=49

You can also explore the ten Fetters further:
Kevin Shinilac has instructions on his site https://www.simplytheseen.com/

Pernille Damore and Todd Lent https://www.youtube.com/@TheAwakeningCurriculum

Love
Rali

[adamluc]

Thank you so much for all of your help Rali. Appreciate it!

Best
Adam