Could Elad be my guide?

[Elad]

Hi Amy

Who or what is this "I in control"? How is the belief in this "I" held without any evidence of an I ?

The belief that there is an "I" seems to be present in thoughts. When I keep looking for an "I", there is not one that can be found. It feels more like a habitual protection of something.

What is this experience of it "trying to protect" ? How exactly is that experienced directly, beyond just mere belief, how is it felt exactly, beyond words?

What in direct experience says that there is something that is trying to protect something ?

Feel deeply into this many times. Feel deeply. Go deeper, more direct then thoughts.

How is the belief in the controller of thoughts, resistance and fear held even though they clearly work in ways that are not chosen, that goes against what is wanted and aimed for?

It feels like thoughts, fear, resistance happen all on their own- then a thought comes in "I don't like this" or "I don't want this" and then there is a feeling of needing to do something to push it all away. That seems to be where a sense of self comes on board.

Try this exercise:


Word “I”

Let’s look at thought and the content of thought a little more,

Write the word "I" on a piece of paper. Look at the word, is that YOU?

Speak the word “I” silently; be aware of any sensations or responses to this word. Are any of these reactions in your body or mind by themselves YOU?

Now say the word “I” aloud. Is that sound YOU?

Is the combination of any of these, the word, the sound, the thought YOU?” Is the thought, "I exist" you?

Is the thought "I" you?

Who needs to keep looking? See that it is just a habitual story that creates a sense of control.

The story seems so strong. It feels like it will take time to look at the events in my life to catch the story. It's still there for sure. I am trying to relax. But it's true- I am always trying to control, control, control-- it's an effort to protect.

Don't try to make control go away. That is just another control. How to stop control with control? How to see beyond thinking with thinking? Can you find me an upside-down circle? See the futility again and again. See the futility of having a different reaction NOW than what is here. See no control in control, no choice in choice. Every time you see this smile, even laugh. It is okay if it is fake. Just do it.

[Xarelta]

Good morning Elad,

I spent the weekend really trying to LOOK.

What is this experience of it "trying to protect" ? How exactly is that experienced directly, beyond just mere belief, how is it felt exactly, beyond words?

It is experienced as a sensation of tightening or contracting in the body. But even those terms are not perfect. Those are labels as well. My mind adds those labels to a feeling. And there is no control over that feeling. The mind then comes in and labels it as unwanted.

What in direct experience says that there is something that is trying to protect something ?

There is nothing, absolutely nothing in direct experience that says something is trying to protect. That is a simply a thought that comes after a sensation. To see this has been quite amazing and surprising. There is just pure sensation and then thought comes in. I thought all along I was trying to protect but really that is in interpretation of a sensation/feeling. Now I think, what is an emotion? Can I find an emotion without a thought attached? I haven't really looked into this.

Write the word "I" on a piece of paper. Look at the word, is that YOU?

Speak the word “I” silently; be aware of any sensations or responses to this word. Are any of these reactions in your body or mind by themselves YOU?

Now say the word “I” aloud. Is that sound YOU?

Is the combination of any of these, the word, the sound, the thought YOU?” Is the thought, "I exist" you?

Is the thought "I" you?

I did all of these things. Each one. None of them felt like they were me. When I got to "I exist" it felt only like another thought that did not have any real truth value. The thought "I" is not me either.

I spent a lot of time with all of these this weekend and especially with looking at not trying to make control go away. Just really looking at the futility again and again. I keep forgetting to smile but I keep looking. Something is starting to change in my inner world because there is a sensation of everything being very close to me, which brings up fear. There is a feeling like I cannot push life away like I usually do. Had to distract and read a book to fall asleep last night. This seems like the wrong direction but this is tough work:-).

Hope you had a restful weekend and thank you.

Sincerely,
Amy

[Elad]

Amy,

What you describe is clear seeing. Especially noticing that “protection” is a thought added after sensation. Insight right there.

The fear and closeness you are noticing, often shows up when the old habit of pushing life away can’t operate as easily anymore.

Just let it continue to unfold. Absolutely no need for pushing or pressure. Just again and again in small doses, noticing what is actually directly felt and seen, its enough a few seconds at the time.

Write me what moves and shows up on its own.

When you feel like it, do this exercise (once in a while I will suggest the same exercise several times, or a variation on an earlier instruction, in which case, just do it freshly again):

Raising Hand Exercise

1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.

Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?

What is it that is controlling the hand?

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

Can anything be found that makes the hand move?

How is the decision made?

[Xarelta]

Good morning Elad,

Write me what moves and shows up on its own.

Looking at control again and again. There is this feeling of something here to "deal with"... a situation, worry, concern etc. When that shows up, there is an energetic feeling contraction, tightening. I would label this sensation dread. But there is really nothing in the direct experience that says it is dread. That is just the mind coming in later. There is a tendency to need to avoid this situation or try to DO something to prevent it from getting worse, or make it better. But really, it's already here. The whole thing feels like suffering. Then, sometimes, there is a moment of what feels like acceptance. This seems to happen in thought but I'm not so sure now that I am really looking at it. There is some relaxation of that energetic feeling of contraction/tightening. I keep having to remind myself to allow the resistance. See no control in control. Smile every time. But I'm frustrated because it ties me up again and again.

If I can see that that the label of protection is just a label, why does it keep feeling real to me? What am I trying to protect? I don't have an answer to this one yet. In my mind I do, but not in direct experience.

I did the exercise below and my mind just argued with itself again and again that I was choosing which hand to raise. So I looked at some other behaviors that seemed more automatic like what hand grabs the door to open it?

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?

I cannot find what is choosing the hand that moves.

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?

No, it seems to happen all on its own.

What is it that is controlling the hand?

I guess life is controlling the experience and the hand.

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

No

Can anything be found that makes the hand move?

How is the decision made?

No, nothing can be found that makes the hand move or the decision made. But it feels like the mind can come in occasionally and influence it. But the thoughts are not me. They come and go without my choosing. There is fear about this last statement. If there is no one here to protect, nothing good will ever happen. That may sound silly but it is honest.

I hope you are safe and warm this weekend. I wish you the best.

With sincere appreciation,
Amy

[Elad]

Dear Amy, my answers will be short for the neek, I am without computer. But just use what I send to the max!

Repeat many times the sentence: discomfort is an inveitable part of life. In many situations.

See what happens with each repetition.

Be as kind, patient and sincere as possible as the attitude.

Write me what happens.

[Xarelta]

Good morning Elad,

Discomfort is an inevitable part of life in many situations.

I have tried my best to sit with this statement, over and over again. Mostly it has just triggered more and more thoughts. Many of the thoughts say, "but I don't like the discomfort." I know it will always be a part of life, but I seem to want to push it away or at least deal with it in a more constructive manner.

All of my efforts seemed to be looping back around in thought and I really wasn't getting anywhere. So, I decided to look at the discomfort and try to find it directly. It was hard to find it in my body as a felt sense and seemed to be coming from thoughts. Then I labeled it psychological discomfort and tried to find where that was located. Still in thought. Argh. Okay, with further reflection, there does seem to be a contraction sense in the stomach/shoulders. But, what to do with that insight?

The statement above feels very true.

I hope you are enjoying some time away from your usual work life and computer.

Thank you,
Amy

[Elad]

When the opportunity to stay with the contraction shows up, do that, sepaeating it from thoughts, and see what happens.

Also, try restating the I thoughts to pure process. I.e "I could not rest with it" restated is something like: "thoughts kept coming up including the belief "this is not going well", "this cannot be it"" etc.

Practice this translating of "I framing" to pure descriptive process statements. What happens?

And thank you, I am enjoying :)

[Xarelta]

Good afternoon Elad,

I'm glad to hear you are enjoying a little time off:-)

When the opportunity to stay with the contraction shows up, do that, separating it from thoughts, and see what happens.

As I have done this I find that I meet the sensation in the body and my mind immediately wants to start talking about it. When I don't listen to the thoughts associated, the contraction seems to dissipate and I look closely at it and feel it. It feels very neutral. Almost like this feels like such a non-event. I need to keep practicing this- I end up back in thought almost inevetably.

I guess I should rather say "thoughts keep coming back in-- even when there is no desire to look at them"

Some irritation has come up this week. There is a thought that I am taking so much time to see through the illusion. I should be able to have seen this by now. Grrr.
I'll change that to "Thoughts keep coming up about the passing of time and there been no solution to the puzzle of illusion" I can feel that these types of thoughts are not useful but what to do with the irritation? I guess back to the top and feel the sensation?

Okay, back to the contraction of irritation. I can see that "irritation" is just a thought. It's built on thought after thought of what I believe life should be like at this moment, different that it actually is.

Thank you as always,
Amy

[Elad]

Hi Amy,

This is good seeing.

Yes, thoughts coming back is completely expectable, normal.

Beautiful noticing how contraction without the story becomes neutral, almost a non-event. That’s important.

About irritation: you’re right, it’s thought built on thought about how things should be. Nothing to do with it, not even “go back to the top”, just notice when it’s believed, and when it’s not. And notice the belief that "you should make it not believed". Just another belief to see through. All just process.

Keep reformulating I-thoughts to pure process language. Smile, maybe laugh, when it is noticed how process language is closer, more direct description of just what is.

Keep noticing how even the most primal reactions and most basic "sense of I", just happens. Not chosen, not separate, not a separate you in control.

With love,
Elad

[Xarelta]

Good morning Elad,

It seems like I have always been looking for an answer to end suffering. Before I started this journey with you, I thought that if I could control my thoughts, just have more positive thoughts, practice them enough, I could end suffering. And there are many teachers out there teaching just that! Hahaha. It's so funny to me now. I do not control thoughts and I do not have control of the outside world. I have no ultimate control over pain. Thoughts come in, the world comes in, causing a shift of energy and then I label that energy/feeling as undesired and try to push it away. But it is not even 'mine' to push away. It just is. And the energy just is. The pushing away is not mine either. This is what I am seeing today.

I start to "believe" or hang on to thoughts/energy when I believe the resistance is mine. I believe in a me when I think I have some control. And man do I eat that idea of control up:-) Let me work harder, try harder, do more, say some things right....and I can prevent suffering. But where is the suffering? It seems to come up with the idea of a ME.

This is in no way a permanent state for me. I'm going to try to keep looking at this.

Thank you as always, you are such blessing to me.

Sincerely,
Amy

[Elad]

Dear Amy!

It seems like I have always been looking for an answer to end suffering. Before I started this journey with you, I thought that if I could control my thoughts, just have more positive thoughts, practice them enough, I could end suffering. And there are many teachers out there teaching just that! Hahaha. It's so funny to me now. I do not control thoughts and I do not have control of the outside world. I have no ultimate control over pain. Thoughts come in, the world comes in, causing a shift of energy and then I label that energy/feeling as undesired and try to push it away. But it is not even 'mine' to push away. It just is. And the energy just is. The pushing away is not mine either. This is what I am seeing today.

I start to "believe" or hang on to thoughts/energy when I believe the resistance is mine. I believe in a me when I think I have some control. And man do I eat that idea of control up:-) Let me work harder, try harder, do more, say some things right....and I can prevent suffering. But where is the suffering? It seems to come up with the idea of a ME.

Beautiful, very clear!

This is in no way a permanent state for me. I'm going to try to keep looking at this.

And where is this "me" for whom a state could ever be permanent? ;)

[Xarelta]

Good Morning Elad,

And where is this "me" for whom a state could ever be permanent? ;)

Where indeed. This "me" seems to not be permanent in any way. The idea of me comes up when a story starts to form and I attach to it with a belief. That belief is that the story is real and I am the one experiencing the story. But there is not an "I" in control of any of this. And the story is mere thought.

After last week's interaction with you, a lot of irritation and annoyance came up. I couldn't seem to figure out why. I was just annoyed with everyone and everything. And it really bothered me. It lasted DAYS with no reason to be found. I was annoyed with the annoyance. There was a subtle belief there that "I shouldn't be annoyed." And then after many days of this, I suddenly realized that I did not have control over that feeling/emotion. It came just as other do. The suffering in it only came when I believed I had some control or I believed somehow that I could have prevented it or that it wasn't right to have. When I saw through no control, I accepted that emotion, not as 'mine' but as part of life. I accepted that it had a right to be there and looked at it with a tiny bit of curiosity. Then the whole thing relaxed and slowly dissolved. It's so funny. One little emotion like anger/annoyance and the piles and piles of thoughts and pushing away that are done. And it's so fast and automatic.

What is this pushing away? The me or sense of an I seems to arise with the pushing away. Is this always true? Is there an I that pushes emotions/sensations away? They are already here right now so how can they be pushed away? Looking at this confuses me a bit.

Hope you had a lovely weekend.

Sincerely,
Amy

[Elad]

And where is this "me" for whom a state could ever be permanent? ;)

Where indeed. This "me" seems to not be permanent in any way. The idea of me comes up when a story starts to form and I attach to it with a belief. That belief is that the story is real and I am the one experiencing the story. But there is not an "I" in control of any of this. And the story is mere thought.

After last week's interaction with you, a lot of irritation and annoyance came up. I couldn't seem to figure out why. I was just annoyed with everyone and everything. And it really bothered me. It lasted DAYS with no reason to be found. I was annoyed with the annoyance. There was a subtle belief there that "I shouldn't be annoyed." And then after many days of this, I suddenly realized that I did not have control over that feeling/emotion. It came just as other do. The suffering in it only came when I believed I had some control or I believed somehow that I could have prevented it or that it wasn't right to have. When I saw through no control, I accepted that emotion, not as 'mine' but as part of life. I accepted that it had a right to be there and looked at it with a tiny bit of curiosity. Then the whole thing relaxed and slowly dissolved. It's so funny. One little emotion like anger/annoyance and the piles and piles of thoughts and pushing away that are done. And it's so fast and automatic.

Perfect, what a valuable process and seeing.

What is this pushing away? The me or sense of an I seems to arise with the pushing away. Is this always true? Is there an I that pushes emotions/sensations away? They are already here right now so how can they be pushed away? Looking at this confuses me a bit.

Good lets focus here next. Is there in fact an "I" needed or present to create the belief that irritation or some other emotion or pattern should not be there? Or is it just another conditioning, whatever sequence of experiences and events created the belief "this feeling should not be there" and "this feeling is mine" and "I should be able to change it" ? ;)

[Xarelta]

Good morning Elad,

“”Good lets focus here next. Is there in fact an "I" needed or present to create the belief that irritation or some other emotion or pattern should not be there? Or is it just another conditioning, whatever sequence of experiences and events created the belief "this feeling should not be there" and "this feeling is mine" and "I should be able to change it" ? ;) “”

No, there is not an I needed to create the emotion or the belief that the emotion is should not be there. That is all conditioning and arises on its own. The belief in an “I” is incredibly sneaky though. When there is a strong emotion felt, it feels like it is MINE. It happens so fast. The offshoot of thoughts, reactions, what to do about it come in over and over. The strength of the emotion seems to distract me from being able to see there’s not really a me there to claim ownership of any of it.

Is the sense of me or an I just a false sense of ownership? Ownership is simply an idea, a thought.

Thank you as always.

You’re the best for taking this ride along with me.

Sincerely,
Amy

[Elad]

No, there is not an I needed to create the emotion or the belief that the emotion is should not be there. That is all conditioning and arises on its own.

Yes

The belief in an “I” is incredibly sneaky though. When there is a strong emotion felt, it feels like it is MINE. It happens so fast. The offshoot of thoughts, reactions, what to do about it come in over and over. The strength of the emotion seems to distract me from being able to see there’s not really a me there to claim ownership of any of it.

Is the sense of me or an I just a false sense of ownership? Ownership is simply an idea, a thought.

Well imagine a human with no capacity to differentiate what is - conventionally - their feelings and thoughts versus others. That would be pretty problematic right? Actually quite a lot of mental imbalances have to do with distortions around this capacity for differentiation. Point being: WE ARE NOT LOOKING TO GET RED OF THE SENSE OF SELF. We are just seeing that this thinking/orienting pattern is one more expression of and within nature/the mystery/the non-dual. Not in control of, created by, or owned by any truly separate self.

Thank you as always.

You’re the best for taking this ride along with me.

Its a pleasure to "journey" with you Amy!


Let this point percolate in your system and let me know how things unfold.........