Jen seeking guidance

[graceabounds]

Hello Jen,

Definitely more intimacy, which I’ve realized just scares me.

Bingo! All of these layers to avoid the feeling of being scared! The stories and projections and mental machinations all built up over that. So yes, ‘alive fear’ is the new motto.


[

quote]Can you actually “know” what others are thinking, even with a watcher?

Hmmm no! I can have conjectures from their responses and body language etc., and when I’m pretty sure, i think it’s often been corroborated when I ask, but most of the time, the watcher isn’t even that sure, it just has worries that it spins around. [/quote]

Do they exist?

If your thoughts are not ‘owned’ and not ‘personal’ are theirs?

Body is completely healthy right now, but story about what it would be to experience that kind of physical suffering that I haven’t experienced but have labeled as the worst thing ever

Great, pure fiction! What is here now?

Does pain or death care if it is accepted or not?

No, it’s going to happen anyway. Acceptance I guess just means less suffering

Pain, death, fear, resistance, acceptance, rejection… none of it personal, none of it requiring a controller, none of it outside what’s allowed.

This is the freedom you’ve been looking for, not the end of pain, but the end of ownership.

This is it.

Big love,
Becca

[Jenness]

So yes, ‘alive fear’ is the new motto.

Okay, i like this!

Do they exist?

No! They appear to be sensory inputs with a thought of a them/person. they also appear to have their same bundle of internal experiences as I do, thoughts, feelings, sensations. Scary to feel, like people would be upset that i think that, and worries I’d care less about giving then what they want. Also helps my sense of self loosen up because see it’s the same in both.

If your thoughts are not ‘owned’ and not ‘personal’ are theirs?

No, weird.. similar as above, worry I’ll care less what they’ll think and feel and then act in ways more likely to lead to their bundle having more thoughts and feelings of not liking me.. it’s a trouble accepting the inherent hurts in life that I feel like is the cost of being “real” or trouble accepting the world and people can lead to a lot of hurt in this system

Great, pure fiction! What is here now?

Tiredness, opinion that i don’t like it. Idea that I need to resist it so that I’ll rectify it, but actually, I’ll sleep earlier anyway because the tiredness will automatically drive that

Pain, death, fear, resistance, acceptance, rejection… none of it personal, none of it requiring a controller, none of it outside what’s allowed.

This is the freedom you’ve been looking for, not the end of pain, but the end of ownership.

This is it.

Huh. Okay. Resistance to that, like I still see more to go because I still am needing inquiry to see clearly that things aren’t owned. It’s not consistent in my life. More to familiarize with feelings of sadness, helplessness to loosen resistnece that leads to me getting caught in life. Still want this work to improve my life more. But do also understand that that’ll just be what’s happening..

Much love,
Jen

[graceabounds]

Hi Jen,

similar as above, worry I’ll care less what they’ll think and feel and then act in ways more likely to lead to their bundle having more thoughts and feelings of not liking me.. it’s a trouble accepting the inherent hurts in life that I feel like is the cost of being “real” or trouble accepting the world and people can lead to a lot of hurt in this system

What is here that is not a thought?
What is happening in the body right now reading this?

Who is the one that could “prevent” all harm or keep all connection safe?
Does acceptance or rejection of what is change what IS?
Is it even possible to always be liked, always be understood, always protect others from pain?

me getting caught in life.

Is there a you who can get caught in life? Take a look.

Much love,
Becca

[Jenness]

Hi Becca,

What is here that is not a thought?

It’s all a thought, but feels like a story that could quite accurately describe a situation that’s happening. Like people can have thoughts of disliking me and then I’ll lose something I wanted. Which lands me in a sensation I don’t want to feel because emotions are not all awesome appearances to me yet. But I guess that doesn’t seem like the end of the world. Stickier is still the professional piece, if people don’t like me professionally, then in my field, they don’t work with me and I don’t make money and then I land in physical discomfort which I’m not sure would just pass with time. but okay, I see that comfort with the possibility of that story happening, given that it’s not happening right now, will loosen up the needing to be liked professionally, which turns out will make things better socially than not. There is a small but definite possibility of that happening, but being okay with that possibility frees up energy to not be always trying to prevent it, which does not help socially because social interactions don’t function like physical objects that you can do stuff to. And it comes down to some fear of being trapped in discomfort I can’t get out of, but given that there are ways to get out of it, then that taps into an idea that a shortened life where I did not get to experience the things in life I think of as meaningful and awesome, then it’s a less meaningful life somehow. Comes down to a I’ll die but it’ll be more okay if I lived a good and meaningful life. But I guess I just die anyway, and length and story of it doesn’t make it more or less meaningful. Each story is equally meaningless or equally meaningful. There’s no meaning other than to experience when alive, and when gone, not sure what happens but I guess experience that as well. It’s a lot of thoughts still I guess, but feels kind of freeing

What is happening in the body right now reading this?

Fear, like if I see it all as thoughts with no truth, then I’d not care what happens, and then it’ll make me act in ways that’ll make it more likely to happen. But as I look at it, I know those thoughts aren’t true, and I’d probably actually do better, after a possible adjustment period where things swing as some thoughts are seen through but others aren’t yet and start driving behaviors. And then still back to the above, is there a more meaningful or better life. Maybe there isn’t and the story really can just do whatever without investment from me.

Who is the one that could “prevent” all harm or keep all connection safe?

There’s some looping around of using techniques to carry out an agenda, like the more i don’t buy into needing to be liked but feeling the fear and not running away so much, the more it seems to help socially and also just feel better and less constricted. So some kind of using cause and effect to try to lead to better outcomes. Back to there’s a thought of what’s better that I believe in and trying to optimize for it

Does acceptance or rejection of what is change what IS?

No, though it appears to be able to generate a sense of suffering when rejected, which I still don’t understand how a belief that something is a problem can create a sense of suffering.. I guess we’re just very gullible

Is it even possible to always be liked, always be understood, always protect others from pain?

Definitely not , though seems more likely when I let go of needing those, hence the co-opting described above..

Is there a you who can get caught in life? Take a look.

There isn’t, but somehow there’s suffering when there’s a belief there’s something happening to me that I do not like. It’s weird to me that our mind can do that

Thanks!
Jen

[graceabounds]

Right now you’re almost using inquiry to build a better story. Read back, see all the ‘buts’… all thought!

Drop it.

There’s some looping around of using techniques to carry out an agenda,

Bingo.

So for this core old belief: “If they don’t like me, I’m not safe” lets go straight to the mechanism.

1 Find the fear in the body.
Not “fear” as a label, look to the raw data. Where exactly? Chest? throat? belly? face?
2 Remove the words. Don’t settle for the label, feel it directly. What’s actually there: pulsing? heat? buzzing? hollow? vibration? movement?
3 Let it be as big as it wants. No fixing. Just this sensation is allowed to exist.

Now look: Is the sensation itself a problem… or is the problem the thought that says it shouldn’t be here?

Right now, in this instant:
Is there an email firing you?
Is someone in front of you rejecting you?
Is money leaving your account?

Or is there a movie in the head + a contraction in the body?

Be ruthless here: if it’s not happening now, it’s imagination! And imagination can still trigger real sensation but that doesn’t make the movie “true.”

how a belief that something is a problem can create a sense of suffering

Because this is how it works. You can’t keep the sufferer.

When suffering appears, look for the one it’s happening to.
In the chest sensation: is there an owner?
In the throat sensation: is there a “me” located?
In the thought “they’ll dislike me”: can you find the person that thought refers to, outside of more thoughts and images?

Don’t answer with ideas. Actually look.
When fear is present, what is immediately added that turns it into “I am in danger”?

[Jenness]

Hi Becca!

Now look: Is the sensation itself a problem… or is the problem the thought that says it shouldn’t be here?

It’s the thought that’s there’s a problem that’s the problem.

Right now, in this instant:
Is there an email firing you?
Is someone in front of you rejecting you?
Is money leaving your account?

No, not in this instance

Or is there a movie in the head + a contraction in the body?

There’s a movie of a future possibility and letting go of labeling the fear of it feels like letting it happen. Or letting the possibility of it happen. Which does feel like the right direction. It might happen. Lots of awful things might happen. If there’s clear things I can do to prevent a negative consequence, do it, and then let the rest go. If it happens, it happens.

Be ruthless here: if it’s not happening now, it’s imagination! And imagination can still trigger real sensation but that doesn’t make the movie “true.”

Yes, it’s not true right now. Or, someone right now might dislike me, but it’s not currently causing any issues that are a problem.

When suffering appears, look for the one it’s happening to.
In the chest sensation: is there an owner?
In the throat sensation: is there a “me” located?
In the thought “they’ll dislike me”: can you find the person that thought refers to, outside of more thoughts and images?

there’s only the idea of an owner attached to a faint felt sense in the body. There is no “me” other than that label on the felt sense of feeling the body here. Cannot find the person, the felt sense in the body isn’t a person, so it’s just a thought that’s “it’s me, I’m here”, and that thought obviously doesn’t feel like what i am, which brings up more fear, so did this a few times.

Don’t answer with ideas. Actually look.
When fear is present, what is immediately added that turns it into “I am in danger”?

It immediately comes with the thought “these sensations feel bad” “get me back to something that feels better,” but it’s more and more not that bad in and of itself. It’s when it links to a future, “if I’m still resisting these sensations, they’re going to cause social issues when I act out of running away from them or believing in them, so I have to get comfortable with them so it affects my relationships and job less” Belief that if those things happen, it has more of a real consequence than just the feelings of fear, sadness, shame. Then if I play with the idea of “Let anything happen. It’s all fine,” then fear comes. Lack of trust that those things happening will still mean things are fine, back to the idea that anything that affects me physically is not fine. “Protect physical health and security at all costs.” Every time I imagine losing all of that physical safety, or think about things in the context of death, things seem to settle a little bit, and shift closer to “it’s not the end of the world.”

[graceabounds]

Inching closer here…

Lots of awful things might happen. If there’s clear things I can do to prevent a negative consequence, do it, and then let the rest go. If it happens, it happens.

Is there a chooser who chooses what to do and what to let go?

Hold up both hands.
Say, “In 5 seconds, I’ll raise either the left or the right hand.”
Watch every single microsecond as the choice happens.
Catch the chooser.

back to the idea that anything that affects me physically is not fine

Who or what is this “me” that could be affected?
Is there a separate “me” that’s not the body?

Touch your arm. Where is the boundary between sensation and “me”?
Does the “me” exist anywhere in the direct sensation?
Or only in the story about the sensation?

The belief that “I” am being affected is itself the suffering! Not the sensation or event.

[Jenness]

Is there a chooser who chooses what to do and what to let go?

Hold up both hands.
Say, “In 5 seconds, I’ll raise either the left or the right hand.”
Watch every single microsecond as the choice happens.
Catch the chooser.

No chooser! Just a thought predicting. Seems the thoughts have learned the human system and societal rules etc. well all on its own.

Who or what is this “me” that could be affected?

It’s a thought. It’s only convincing because the alternative is to feel a sensation labeled as “negative” “should not feel that way” “means something is wrong with you” and allowing the feeling means “if you accept the feeling and don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or the feeling, you’re giving up the way to a better you, and therefore a better life”

Is there a separate “me” that’s not the body?

No, it’s just the body. There’s a strong thought “the body must not be harmed,” but it’s a standalone thought

Touch your arm. Where is the boundary between sensation and “me”?

There’s is none, there’s an idea that the body is me/mine, tied to sensations existing inside the body and to the image of the body, and an idea that on hand is touching the other hand. The sensation of touch itself stands alone and doesn’t feel like me

Does the “me” exist anywhere in the direct sensation?

No

Or only in the story about the sensation?

only in the story

The belief that “I” am being affected is itself the suffering! Not the sensation or event.

Okay, great, every time i see the thoughts on the physical sensations and that it’s just thoughts, there’s fear, so can see the avoidance of that driving the attachment to the idea of self

[graceabounds]

Yes Jen. The only thing ever at stake is the belief “I am being affected.”

Thought + Sensations = Emotion

Every time the emotion of fear comes, see the thought of “wrongness,” let it hang in the air, and feel the sensations, without running, fixing, or labeling.
Ask, again and again:
Is there anyone at the center of this fear??
And, is this or any other thought True?


What happens if you let go of the hope for a better self?
What’s here, without that agenda or self-improvement project?
Is anything truly missing?

[Jenness]

Hi Becca,

Is there anyone at the center of this fear??

Nope, just that thought of “it’s a problem”, which is more “it’s a problem because it’s mine and I think it’s a problem “

And, is this or any other thought True?

No, it’s not true. It just doesn’t like letting go because of a thought that thinks being wrong with my thoughts is scary. Been looking at my thoughts. there’s always ways why they aren’t quite right or just covers one perspective of things, even in a relative world reality. And even things that generally hold really well, like don’t run into the street without checking the light, are like a sentence I’ve heard “the map but not the territory.” Learned guidelines for how to get what we want in this world.

What happens if you let go of the hope for a better self?

Sadness and fear with a bit of relief. More okay if I remember that the unconditional acceptance I actually want is already here and feel into it, but maybe that’s just another avoidance.. If try to let go without believing there’s anything to fall into, and applying the instructions above of just let wrongness thoguht hang and feel the sensations, then there starts to be boredom, and underneath the boredom is sadness and a thought “there needs to be something for me to grab to make things better, to move towards something better.” But wasn’t sure how I was supposed to make it better, or what was wrong with how it was now, except it was kind of empty of anything positive. Then remembered there’s a connection with what’s here that’s always here, and that felt better, but think it’s also a running away maybe. So just stayed , seeing that this is how it is right now, and there’s nowhere to run from how it is right now. And as I just watch it, it starts to feel less like the thoughts of me-ness are true, and there’s some ease that comes in. Though the grabbing back of the me thought is fast.

What’s here, without that agenda or self-improvement project?

Just sensations, with a really sticky “me, mine” story, story loosens at little when I look at it. And more of a thought of “there’s nothing i can do to make the people I want to like me, like me” “there’s nothing i can do to be perfectly likable”

Is anything truly missing?

No, just thoughts of things missing

[graceabounds]

So just stayed , seeing that this is how it is right now, and there’s nowhere to run from how it is right now. And as I just watch it, it starts to feel less like the thoughts of me-ness are true, and there’s some ease that comes in.

Beautiful.
And notice how the layers of emotion move through when the story is not held?

Been looking at my thoughts. there’s always ways why they aren’t quite right or just covers one perspective of things, even in a relative world reality

Yes.
Thoughts arise. The fact of arising or the sound of them internally is direct experience. The content, what they are about, is not direct experience. It is story, fantasy. Can you see this?

[Jenness]

And notice how the layers of emotion move through when the story is not held?

Yes, got caught fighting tensions for a whole day today when felt underlying social fear energy wasn’t tolerable. And then when I finally left it alone, then things flowed

Thoughts arise. The fact of arising or the sound of them internally is direct experience. The content, what they are about, is not direct experience. It is story, fantasy. Can you see this?

Yes! The verbal ones are easier. The silent ones I hadn’t quite learned when I’m caught, but after today, more of sense of, if it’s constricted and there’s the sense of resisting, I’m probably believing a concept.

[graceabounds]

For the silent ones the work of Byron Katie can be helpful to untangle and see through. Are you familiar with it?

[Jenness]

For the silent ones the work of Byron Katie can be helpful to untangle and see through. Are you familiar with it?

I’ve look at the judge your neighbor worksheet. It has the 4 questions (is it true ? Who would you be without that belief etc.) is that the one you’re referring to?

[graceabounds]

Yes.

It is a very good tool for working through some of these beliefs.
Pick it up and see if it supports.

One question today:
Do words hurt?

🤍