Akasha sees

[Akashalila]

And here we are at the core of things. I am aware of the relative and absolute teaching, and the 'middle way'. All very sensible and clear. But its an easy intellectual trap.
My immediate response to looking, is frustration. Generally I am pretty smart. I can understand concepts quickly. So its my first refuge.It is failing me. There is also an urgency,' I need to get this, its important'. Spiritual ambition?
Beliefs? Apologise if the following is scattered.
That my existence as it is, is not enough. Its too two dimensional. i am unsatisfied.
I believe there is richness to transcending relative and absolute. I want it.
Despair. A belief in there needing to be meaning. At some level, life has to be of value to the universe.
A fundamental belief that has followed my from childhood, I don't matter. which is aggravated by ideas of no self. Sets up despair (I want to matter)
Who/what is having these beliefs? I don't know. I can run to concepts (personhood, self) but having a neat little box is not helping (what is personhood/self anyway?). Is it coming out of a facility/ capacity for belief? Built into the organism as much as movement and math? An emotion as much as joy and sadness? A function of being an animal (non-human animals hold beliefs about their world too). Have I digressed into too many concepts?

[Elad]

"You" are doing great. This is a natural process and it needs to go through all the feelings, thoughts and beliefs it needs to go through.......

Please for now suspend any belief in that you exist OR dont exist, that there is meaning to you and life OR that there is no meaning to you and life.

Both beliefs are not your direct experienced truth. Stay loyal to your direct experienced truth, stay loyal to your not knowing and keep looking.

Also saying that there is meaning or saying that there is no meaning, are both at best useful pointers.....

Keep looking many times in the here and now: What exactly is being experienced right now AS IF it is me?

Let me know what happens.

[Akashalila]

What is being experienced now is sensations, thoughts although the thoughts also appear to be sensations. There is a quality of observation and much more subtle is the experience of a moment. Of time. And something related to moments that I can explain. Like a pulse.
There is an idea of reflection. Like i exist as a reflection of these experiences.

[Elad]

What is being experienced now is sensations, thoughts although the thoughts also appear to be sensations. There is a quality of observation and much more subtle is the experience of a moment. Of time. And something related to moments that I can explain. Like a pulse.
There is an idea of reflection. Like i exist as a reflection of these experiences.

Okay good. Now really look, do you believe any of that is truly "the self", "you"? Where and how exactly?

Also do this exercise:

Time Exercise

There is a general assumption that there is linear time that started (if started at all) somewhere very far in the past and advances to the distant future. The present moment (now) is considered to be a very small fragment of time, or an event that is moving forward on a linear line, coming from the past and advancing to the future.

But is there an experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?
Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next?
Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?
How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?
Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began? How long does the ‘now’ last?
Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?
When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?
What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?
So is there actual experience of ‘time’ or thoughts about ‘time’?

[Akashalila]

There is no loci to this idea of self. While the edges of the body are firm my perspective is more … wafty. There is no location a single point of self no matter how hard I look. It’s like looking into an empty room. There is emptiness because there is a room, but there is nothing in the emptiness. Is it ME , these experiences? They are not not me. There is clearly a something experiencing but I couldn’t not point a finger at it
Time, not time is something I have reflected on quite a bit. When I bring myself to awareness the moment feels eternal. There is memory- I know where I am etc, and I can recall memories if required- that are more like sensations. The future is not present in the moment. Sometimes I get a bit scared. Like it’s Groundhog Day. The moment is so strong. Does it advance? Is there a next moment? It’s like how eyes track across a sentence, jumping forward on jerks. The sentence is constant but the eye movement jerks. Moment in time feels like that. As my awareness jags, let’s go, in the moment, let’s go etc etc. hence the sense of a pulse I think . Trying to ride the sharpest edge of the Timway is incredibly difficult. That moment is so utterly incredibly thin that it is beyond my comprehension and my ability to enter it.

[Akashalila]

Test

[Elad]

It is good you wrote "test". I answered you days ago. For some reason the answer was lost. So here is another one:

There is clearly a something experiencing but I couldn’t not point a finger at it

Why is there clearly "something" experiencing?

Rather then just "there is experiencing happening"?

The wind does not need a "winder" (something) doing it to blow, the rain does not need a "rainer" (something) to rain. Raining and rain are just two words for the same one process without anyone doing it, same for wind.

Is it not the same for experiencing?

Don't speculate look!

Sit still for long periods of time facing a wall with open eyes relaxed. Look: What makes everything happen, thoughts, micromovements, experience itself? Is there anything or it just happens, and an old belief is held on to unconsciously that there most be something.

[Akashalila]

I am currently on your around Japan so it’s been a little hard to find the dedicated time needed to settle and sit. I will be home in about 4 days.
What I am noticing is how much I really do believe myself to be a discreet packet of something. How strongly I identify with my body, and I think my mindfulness of the body practises have reinforced this. The moment I turn into look I actually turn to my experience of body and it dominates.
I will continue to work on your guidance and update again soon

[Elad]

Keep looking are any of these body sensations or wharever else experienced as a self/doer, actually a self/doer? Is anything truly in control by "you" standing apart from it?


And yes, write me when you have worked more with the last instruction, the one with sitting, exactly as it was described.


Enjoy your time in Japan!!!