wake up Shane

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
Just checking in to let you know that I’m still working on/sitting with these questions, although the weekend has been and gone.
Although I may be taking my time with this, I just wanted to let you know I’m still here Now.
Shane

[graceabounds]

Perfect.
No timeline…
Much love,
Becca

[graceabounds]

How are you dear?
Anything stuck,
or just floating along?
:)

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
I’m okay.
And probably a bit of both to be honest.

I find it hard to find words to express how I am feeling.

I want to be honest and authentic.

I feel like I had an experience a few weeks ago, that has shifted my perspective. It was both profound and powerful, and it lasted like that for quite a few days.
But then I feel I have dipped into a feeling, that I would have previously called depression.
It’s not necessarily a bad feeling.
But it does include a very strong lack of motivation.
I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to go to work (although I still do. somehow the need to pay bills still persists)

I have tried to answer your questions.
If there is one that I am stuck with, it is the concept of free will.
I can’t see a free will anywhere, in anything I do, but then I find myself asking
“What is the point of doing anything?”
And then I seem to be floating along, just following old habitual and addictive behaviours.
One of the worst being binge eating.
As a result I am feeling quite sick, unfit and unwell.
I find it kind of interesting, that my main argument in favour of some kind of free will, is my ability to sabotage my self.

In many ways I am still working through the experience that I had.
I can, whenever I want, look into the nothingness that is everything, and it dispels all doubt.

But other times I feel like I am playing a semantic game of gaslighting myself.
Language cannot express how I feels.
And no amount of looking into direct experience will show me an I.
But I still persists.

There is a sense that this may just be part of the process.
One of my other addictions is to social media scrolling and watching videos online.
My consumption of this content has changed.
I watch videos, of people talking.
Perhaps in the past I might have engaged in some way with what they were saying.
But increasingly, I am seeing “oh, that’s just a story”.
I brought this up as an example of how something might be shifting in me.
But the truth is, that even this is just contributing to the idea that everything is meaningless.

So I am a bit stuck in doubts, and a bit stuck in lack of motivation.
And I’m a certainly stuck with words.

But I’m also just floating along
Not really seeking.
But also, not really sure what’s going on.

[graceabounds]

Hello Shane,

Thanks for the raw and authentic sharing here.

This happens. There is no one way this unfolds and settles, but it is what we at LU call falling.

Here’s another video (of someone talking of course!) but perhaps of use to validate this in between space.

https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w?si=qY_JvCDWH_sLIgjk

And no amount of looking into direct experience will show me an I.
But I still persists.

Go into the next few seconds of lived experience, right now. What, as a raw, sensory, visceral actuality, persists?

Can you find any location, any boundary, any ‘thing’ at all that is “I”?

Go into the experience of “being.” What is here?
Is there anything solid, graspable, findable, as a “self”? Or just labels, thoughts, sensations, habits?


The eating behavior may be resistance. What happens right beforehand? What thoughts? What is happening in the body? Get curious about any discomfort that is present at those times.

(If it supports, I went through the same phase, the interpretation in retrospect was that the body was trying to ‘ground’ itself. If this resonates at all get outside in nature and actually lay down directly on the earth.)

I find myself asking
“What is the point of doing anything?”

See how even that question is a leftover reflex, an echo from the old system of stories, motives, hopes. WHO needs there to be a point? Is there a “point” in a river flowing?

Can you see that meaninglessness is as much identified with as the illusion of control was?

I can, whenever I want, look into the nothingness that is everything, and it dispels all doubt.

Practically speaking, set aside a few moments each day to stop and look (set alarms if needed) since it is and always will be accessible.


There is an operating system still operating. The system still carries itself to work, the body still feeds itself, there is the writing of these messages. Lean into the magic of how all that happens. It has always been this way… just the overlay of the driver is gone and there isn’t trust yet in what actually IS floating along.

I’m here. Write as often as it comes.

Much love,
Becca

[Seanus]

Thank you for your response Becca,
It helps a lot.

“falling” is such an appropriate name for this feeling.
And I did appreciate the video, thanks.
Especially that final bit, that at some point the falling starts to feel like flying. I like that, and can see how it might be true.

I had forgotten how much I get from this exchange of words between us Becca.
My initial reaching out to LU, was part of a realisation that I couldn’t, and don’t need to do this by myself.
But I see now, that part of my falling, included a feeling of retreating into myself, and retreating into old patterns of independence and wanting to “do it myself”
I will try to remember that I don’t need to do this alone.

I am very grateful for your guidance. Thank you.

I will write again soon,
As I continue to work with this feeling of falling
But just wanted to send this quick note to say thank you.

With gratitude
Shane

[graceabounds]

Happy to support.

This going it alone pattern is here to be seen through as well. :) In one sense all of this is only an inside job, but it is nice to know when things get uncomfortable that there are some landmarks to support in wayfinding.

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

In an attempt to put a stop to my overthinking, I am sending the below answers to your questions, as I have been working on them sporadically over the last couple of weeks.

My thoughts on these matters are continually changing, i have thought and rethought them, many times, amid many distractions.
but here is one way to capture them.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

I have discovered no identifiable identity.

There are words, and memories and thoughts, which give a sense of identity.
When I look beyond that, I see nothing.

There are senses, and impressions, but these are not personal.
There is a body too, that I talk about like it is mine, but it is not me, it is just another thing that is here. Floating in the nothingness like everything else.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion arises as patterns of thought, with misleading language.
“i”, “me”, “past”, “future”, “will”, “want”…
Language learned from infancy and childhood, and ongoing change.
Memories give an illusion of continuity.
Patterns become habits, and repetition reinforces the sense of identity.

The only time that exists is now.
Therefore it starts now.
As a thought, a memory, a desire for the future.
An identification with the thought.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

It feels empty, and meaningless.

When I started this process, I was desperately seeking.
And felt like there was something about the world, or reality, that I just wasn’t getting.

I now feel like I have seen a truth that has been here all along.
It has always been here. I have always known it.
I just didn’t want to look.

Actually, I still don’t want to look. And I have become very aware of the many distractions that I use to stop myself looking at it.
But I can’t deny the truth, that when I do look, it is obvious, plain as day.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look? Was there a moment of shift with a distinct before and after?

There was a moment when I was reflecting on “what else is here?”
And I realised there was nothing else.
And the experience of that nothingness was all encompassing.
And I felt like I could see the way that everything rises out of this nothingness.
It was surprising in its ordinariness.
It wasn’t a new feeling. I had seen it before.
It was a new perspective that allowed me to see that it had always been there. It has always been like this.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Consider and describe each if these separately.

Decisions are thoughts, that in my experience, come after an event, as commentary, and a justification as to why I did that thing.
They reinforce the illusion that I made the decision, making it seem like the decision came first.
But when I look closely, I do not experience a similar thought process before an event occurs, I do not have experience of making any decisions.

Intention is desire. “I want [this] to happen”.
Sometimes the things I desire happen.
Sometimes they don’t.
I tend to downplay the times they don’t, and reinforce the times they do happen.
This gives me a feeling that I did it.
But it is a confirmation bias.

Free will does not stand up to scrutiny.

I do seem to make choices between one thing and another. But when I look back at these choices. There is no way I could have made them any differently than I did.

I like to think that I am in control.
But I have found no evidence that I am.

There does seem to be something.
Like an ability to look.
That somehow still feels like it is in my control.
I can chose to look, or to allow myself to be carried away with distractions.
But this may just be the next layer of illusion.
Because even now, as I try to examine it, I can’t see it.
And it feels like every other illusory decision I seem to make.

6) What makes things happen? How does it work?

I don’t know.

Perhaps there is a will, a self, a universal consciousness making it all happen,… perhaps.
It may be that I just want there to be.
It does seem like there is something causing things to happen.
But if there is, it is not me. And I have no knowledge of it.
Except that it is nothing, and everything.

7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Apart from the possible ability to look, or allow myself to be distracted, and look away.
I can not give any examples, of anything that I am responsible for.


I did also want to acknowledge a point from your most recent message…

The eating behavior may be resistance. What happens right beforehand? What thoughts? What is happening in the body? Get curious about any discomfort that is present at those times.

The binge eating pattern seems to arise after I have fallen asleep.
I fall asleep, and then wake up, often within half an hour of sleeping.
It is hard to catch, because I am still half asleep. Sometimes it feels like I am waking up at the fridge door.
I can see myself looking for cheese, or bread, or sweet things. But I can’t stop myself. I can even sometimes hear a voice, or a thought saying “you don’t need that!” But the voice is not enough to stop the reaching and subsequent eating.

I recall as a teenager, I used to wait until my parents had gone to bed, and then I would sneak to the fridge, and often eat cheese slices, or bread, they were easy to grab quickly and then race back to my room before getting caught.

Last night I caught myself in the feeling.
I was in bed, I may have drifted into sleep, but I woke and became aware of an emptiness in my stomach.
Earlier in the day I had bought a block of chocolate as a treat, and wanted to make it last a few nights, but the thought of an open block of chocolate in the fridge was all I could think about. I could still taste the very reasonably sized portion I had eaten earlier.
It felt like a hollowness in my stomach, the hollowness also strangely felt like it was in my feet. As I became aware of it, my breathing became more rapid, and a feeling of desperation came over me. The hollowness now seemed higher, in my chest. I felt like I was breathing into a vast empty cavern.
I was trying to resist the urge to get up. One thought that comes repeatedly is that I can’t sleep with an empty stomach. I gave in to the feeling eventually, got up and ate the entire remains of the block.
Later I went back and ate some more cheese to try to get the taste of chocolate out of my mouth.

Even as I write this I can see that this is quite clearly a resistance to looking at the emptiness, the hollow feeling.
I will continue to explore this.

Thankyou again Becca for your excellent guidance.

Shane

[graceabounds]

Hello,

Thank you Shane. There is a lot here that is coming up to work with.

I don’t usually offer this, but would you be open to a zoom call to work through it in real time rather than the back and forth?

Will send you my contact info now by email. From the timing of your posts I think you are on the opposite side of the world :) but we should be able to make something work.

In the meantime, your instinct to push through the resistance and face the emptiness is spot on. Stay right in the hollowness in the stomach and look there. Resist the meaning making of it, just look:
What is it?
What happens when you stay with it without an agenda, allowing it to simply exist and be seen?
What lies behind or beneath or on the other side of it?

Abundant love,
Becca

[Seanus]

He Becca,
Thanks for the offer,
Yes, I believe that it would be of use to have a zoom call if you are available for that.
I will respond separately to your email.
Thanks
Shane

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
Thanks for our meeting yesterday.
I haven’t worn shoes since, including a nice walk around the neighbourhood with the dog immediately after our meeting.
I felt very connected and feeling the world through my feet.

Some quite intense emotion too.

Early in they day, not long after I came back from my walk, my son and I were doing the dishes together.
He’s been discovering and getting in to some old (90’s) music, and playing music from bands that I used to listen to when I was his age.
Nirvana, Sound Garden, that sort of stuff, perfect in its day, but I kind of grew out of it years ago. It’s been quite interesting seeing him discover it for the first time.

Yesterday morning he played me Silverchair, who I saw play live back in the day, and loved. Silverchair started out as teenagers who won a music competition, and their early music had a raw and intense teenage anger.

Listening to it I found myself getting hot and a feeling of anger, rise up in me.
I had to ask him to turn the album off. And I took a break from doing the dishes.
I spent some time in my room trying to get a sense of where that anger came from. Perhaps just 30+ years of associating their songs with that emotion.
Perhaps even just the lyrics “hate is what I feel for you! And I want you to know that I want you dead!” (It is a song about a high school bully, written from the perspective of the bully).
But I realised that the main emotion that rose up in me was not anger.
I was definitely upset, but the main thing I was feeling was a strong need to stop that emotion from rising up in me. The intense feeling was not the emotion itself, it was the feeling of repressing it.
I lay down and tried to follow the feeling, I could still feel the tingling in my feet, it was hot and intense there too. More so than before.
I could still feel intense sensations in my feet from the walk I took earlier.

I tried to follow it, but the feeling began to dissipate.
Perhaps just the recognition of it was enough. But as I write this, I do feel there is probably some more there to explore.
After i had calmed down, I went and spoke to my son, and tried to explain the feeling to him, and make sure he knew I wasn’t upset with him. He didn’t even really understand the feeling I was trying to describe to him, and hadn’t even really listened to the lyrics. So the song certainly didn’t have the same connotation for him.

Perhaps I was just open and vulnerable to the emotion, after our discussion, and my walk.
Or perhaps there is some very strong emotion that my body has been holding on to and repressing since I was a teenager.

I felt the energetic feeling in my feet again last night in bed, as hunger took over.
There was the feeling in my stomach, and in my feet.
Then as I recognised it. My breath became shallow and desperate.
I focused on calming my breath and I must have succeeded because I fell back to sleep.

I can feel the energy even now as I lie in bed, getting ready to get up for work.
The energy is rising up into my calves and my thighs.
And when I close my eyes, I can feel it darting all over my body.

I am keen to continue exploring this feeling.
I am curious as i feel it, what is it?
Is it connected to energy centres, like the chakras?
I feel my mind try to direct it there, but perhaps that is just thoughts.

I will continue to explore this feeling over the coming days and
Will continue to share my experiences as I go.

With gratitude and curiosity.
Shane

[graceabounds]

Very good.

The feeling of repressing the emotion is a very good catch. I would agree that it is probably old, just wanting and ready to come up and be seen now. Everything does.

Keep going barefoot and grounding.
Continue to let the energy move and dart around as it will, no need to direct, it has its own intelligence.

None of this needs active managing, curiosity is a really healthy approach. Rather than asking what is it, continue to look at where is it? Stick with direct experience of it. Let me know if it moves up into the torso or back into the crown of the head.

:)

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

I have to say I am loving this barefoot thing.
It’s day two of not wearing shoes
I feel like a beatnik! It’s great.
What will I do on Wednesday when I have to go in to the city for work?

Another walk barefoot with Jake after work,
and even hours later, as I head to bed, my feet are still on fire.
Observing the energy.

And now, as I wake up in the morning,
I have more than an hour before I have to get up and ready for work,
So I’m in bed with a coffee.
I realise I must have slept through the night without getting up to eat.
Did I do anything?
I remember lying in bed focusing on the energy in my feet.
I remember an intense feeling there.
I remember the quickening in my breath as the feeling of desperation rose up in me.
But I don’t remember anything else.

I can feel the energy this morning too.
It seems to rise up my legs and into my thighs.
Where it rests.
It is quite pleasurable.
I remember last night, looking in to it. It didn’t feel pleasurable Initially, it felt quite uncomfortable, and I readjusted my feet a few times, before looking closer. But don’t remember much else.

Now I feel it in my shoulders, and biceps, and then quite intensely in my hands. They feel warm. And both are resting on my stomach, I feel the warm energy radiate from my hands down in to my stomach. It became quite intense, and almost a feeling of nausea began to rise up.
I removed my hands, opened my eyes, and wrote the last few lines.
But I’m going back now.

I can feel it simultaneously in my thighs, and in my hands resting on my stomach.
Can I feel it in my crown, or in my torso?
Not specifically right now, but in a general sense I can feel it all over my body.
Trying not to direct it, but there is a sense that it can be wherever I look.

Hmmm closer inspection doesn’t really bear that out.
I feel it strongly in my thighs this morning.
And my hands.
Perhaps at some point my skin was tingling with it.
As I observe it, I go in to a very relaxed state,
And then my thoughts drifted to work.
Another day of busyness.
All the things I didn’t get done yesterday, and my to do list feels like it is bigger each day.
And the stress starts to rise up in me.
It went that way for quite some time before I noticed it.

I go in again, directly to look at the thought, and then I see the feeling of stress.
The tingling in my thighs is still there.
There is some tension in my shoulders.
And my neck a little uncomfortable on the pillow, a slightly wrong angle. I haven’t moved. How did I not notice that before? I readjust.

Can I observe this feeling during the day.
Work feels so intense, from start to finish, it is non stop.
Every person I talk to has something to add to the task list.
Every task spawns three new tasks.
But what is the feeling of stress?
Heart beats, warmth rising in my face.
An energetic blockage?
I want to feel a sense of accomplishment, but it just feels like it is never ending.
“I want”.

What if I don’t need a sense of accomplishment?
Why do I care so much about that?

I wonder if there is a way I can go into the day without caring about accomplishing anything?
Hmmm, I’m not sure that will work.
If I don’t care about anything, I may as well just call in sick and stay in bed.

Perhaps today I just need to observe.
Do the things that are in front of me.

We’ll see.

Shane

[graceabounds]

Very good exploration.

And to the questions at the end, read back through…

want to feel a sense of accomplishment, but it just feels like it is never ending.
“I want”.

What if I don’t need a sense of accomplishment?
Why do I care so much about that?

I wonder if there is a way I can go into the day without caring about accomplishing anything?
Hmmm, I’m not sure that will work.
If I don’t care about anything, I may as well just call in sick and stay in bed.

Perhaps today I just need to observe.
Do the things that are in front of me.

All of this is thought, about future, which is always thought.

Come back to the body. Set a timer for one minute of just being at work. Notice where your feet are.

Later on set a timer for 5 minutes.

For five minutes, do nothing to get anything. Simply allow whatever happens to happen: watch hands move, watch thoughts appear, watch the urge to “do” rise and fall.

Notice: What is the feeling of stress? Where is it?

If you didn’t touch the thought “I should accomplish,” does the body stop moving?
Does breathing stop?
Do actions cease?

After work, ground back into the body, continue with its explorative wholesome process.

And inquire:
What is the raw experience of wanting to accomplish?
Where is it, and what happens if it’s not labelled or resisted?

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

The grounding continues.
On Tuesday night, the feeling in my feet was so intense as I lay in bed.
It wasn’t really pleasurable, as I have described it in the past. Sometimes I was able to lie in bed and allow the feeling to rise up into my thighs, which was more pleasurable. But it kept coming back to the feet. At one point it got so intense that I sat up, and put my feet on the carpet beside my bed, and rubbed them there to try to discharge the energy. It may have helped, because it wasn’t as intense after that, and I suppose I fell asleep.

Come back to the body. Set a timer for one minute of just being at work. Notice where your feet are.

I have experimented with this over the last couple of days.

I first read your message on my lunch break working from home. It had been a stressful morning of busyness.

I set the timer, and sat with my multiple screens looking at all the tasks before me.
One caught my eye and I just did it. Not stressfully, just one task, that was no trouble at all.

I tried a few more 1 minute experiments like that, still allowing the work to happen. But again there wasn’t really a stress associated with it.

The five minute experiment, again. I still sat there with a large task list in front of me, and I just allowed myself to observe it, sometimes doing things, only as they arose, not with any bad feeling.
I noticed my legs were crossed and feet curled up under my chair.
I grounded them on the floor. And felt the cool, plastic chair-mat under the soles of my feet.

I only did the experiment a few times that first day. And i know I’m not supposed to be thinking about accomplishing things.
But by the end of the day, the task list was looking a lot more manageable. Things did get accomplished.
It’s almost like it is the stress of overwhelm is actually what is responsible for the overwhelm.

Yesterday, I had to work in the city.
I only did the 1 minute minute experiment a couple of times.
But this time, I literally just sat there.
I kept my hand on the mouse, to keep the screen from going to sleep. But did nothing.
I deliberately minimised apps, and just allowed myself to be there. In the office, amidst all those other workers, working away on our screens. A smile crept over my face as I saw the absurdity of the situation.

I’ll keep experimenting with this,
I can see that it is thoughts about the tasks that makes them stressful. Not the actual tasks themselves. And there are a lot of layers of thoughts. But by Wednesday afternoon, the task list feels much more manageable.
There are still tasks waiting for me to complete today.
But I’ll get to them… hang on… Scratch that!

I doesn’t do them. I is the one getting in the way.
They may or may not get done.
That’s okay.

In addition to this,
I have begun to explore some of the third fetter material from the Awakening curriculum.
So many habits, so many distractions.

The theme of the tantruming teenager is still there, and has arisen a few times since, although it is more out of curiosity now than the intense anger that I felt on the weekend. i think of my son, and what a great young man he is becoming. Perhaps i can also be as supportive of young Shane.

I did also realise that I’d like to continue exploring the 2nd fetter too.
It was letting go of doubt that allowed me to have my initial vision of nothingness. But [but, but, but] i do still seem to want to argue with everything.
I can let go of the doubt, and it is good when i do. But [there’s that word again] (now I can’t even remember what I was going to “but” about)…

But nothing.

Shane