Help!

[Porky]

What is actually here, before the “I” forms to have an experience? Where’s the center of all this?

Currently, I have not been able to find a center. It seems like everything just is!

stay totally with the “space” where the heart seemed to be. Don’t wait for any special state, just keep noticing the moment the sense of self creeps back in.
Who is it that notices?

Nobody notices until the thoughts start again. Once they start the body/mind becomes apparent. Briefly, there is no one to notice. Just a feeling of being present.

Look right in that gap… is there any real experiencer, or just experience?

In that gap there is nothing. No thoughts. No being. Emptiness. Is that what presence is? The gap between the inhale and exhale of breathing? Where there is nothing.

Does the “you” who wants to stay in that space exist in any form except as a thought or tension?

No

Does it even make sense to say “there is no self”?

No, it doesn't make sense to say that because if this is an illusion that what is real anyway? Nothing. It all just is. With no rhyme or reason.

Or is there just… whatever is, before anything gets named, labeled or said about it?

Yes, Unlimited whatever is!

Comment:
It would be wonderful to experience what is without the ego attachment. It sometimes can last a few moments and then becomes fleeting.
Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

You see it. This is as clear as it gets.
Before “I,” before any story, there’s nothing to grasp—just whatever is, needing nothing.

The desire for it to last is the return of ego. The grasping for continuity, longing for the gap to be permanent, is just another thought. Can you see how the very wish for it to stay is the ego sneaking back in through the side door?

What you call “fleeting” is only the mind wanting to claim something, to keep it, to own it. But presence was never missing. There is no one who needs to hold on, no one who ever had it!

Drop even the expectation for it to be lasting or wonderful. Let presence be as unremarkable, as ordinary, as ungraspable as it actually is. :)

So:
Right now, can you let the gap, the emptiness, the “unlimited whatever is” just be what it is, with nobody there to get it, keep it, or lose it?
No commentary. No effort.
Just… this?

Give it a go today. Be on the lookout for these thoughts, verify they are not yours, nothing to do, and let them pass as all thoughts do.

If there is a body sensation that arises in parallel with thoughts of discontent or hope, investigate there. Tell me what arises in the body if anything is noted.

:)
Becca

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

The desire for it to last is the return of ego. The grasping for continuity, longing for the gap to be permanent, is just another thought. Can you see how the very wish for it to stay is the ego sneaking back in through the side door?

]

Yes, I can see that it's the ego which is very entrenched in my being. I know what you are saying is true, yet how do you let go of something that has been programmed in your mind since birth? Just keep looking and staying in the moment?

Drop even the expectation for it to be lasting or wonderful. Let presence be as unremarkable, as ordinary, as ungraspable as it actually is. :)

I believe this statement is easier said than done! Do you have any processes that could facilitate this experience?

So:
Right now, can you let the gap, the emptiness, the “unlimited whatever is” just be what it is, with nobody there to get it, keep it, or lose it?
No commentary. No effort.
Just… this?

Sometimes I can just be! Conceptually 100% of the time. Experientially maybe 20%. If I do processes on Attention or letting go of thoughts or just recognizing when thoughts arise, my experience of whatever is increases!

If there is a body sensation that arises in parallel with thoughts of discontent or hope, investigate there. Tell me what arises in the body if anything is noted.

There have not been any thoughts of discontent today! Some hope as I do get frustrated at times. When I think about frustration, I can feel it in my body as a slightly uncomfortable sensation in my torso or hips.

Thanks for your help, Porky

[graceabounds]

I do get frustrated at times. When I think about frustration, I can feel it in my body as a slightly uncomfortable sensation in my torso or hips.

Right now, as you notice that area of the torso or hips, What is it?
Is it warmth, pressure, tingling, movement, stillness?
Go straight into the raw data of the sensation, don’t try to dissolve it, don’t even want it to shift.
Set aside all hope for awakening, for release, for peace.
Go into the sensation. Not as a technique, but as direct curiosity.
Drop all stories, even the idea that this is “frustration.” It’s just a set of physical sensations.

What happens when you let the sensation be absolutely ordinary, unremarkable… just there, nothing special?

Report precisely what is happening in the body. No summaries. Just describe the sensations.

And are you aware of any separate “you” having this experience, or is there just experience, sensation, and a story appearing? Look now.

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Right now, as you notice that area of the torso or hips, What is it?
Is it warmth, pressure, tingling, movement, stillness?

My torso is tingling and warm. My right hip has calcium deposits, so it feels pressure and slight continuous pain.

What happens when you let the sensation be absolutely ordinary, unremarkable… just there, nothing special?

When I become a witness or the watcher, then it feels like I am not the owner of this entity, just watching as life unfolds.
nothing special. Just a continuation of what is!

Report precisely what is happening in the body. No summaries. Just describe the sensations.

I don't feel like I own the tingling or warmth, and the pain doesn't seem to be owned by me, it is just there!
When I'm awake the pain in my hip comes and goes, but when I'm sleeping it becomes much more intense and wakes me up.

And are you aware of any separate “you” having this experience, or is there just experience, sensation, and a story appearing? Look now.

Yes, more like a story! A story about this being, with less attachment! Yes, just sensations as the experience when I look now!

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Right now, as sensation is here(torso tingling, warmth, hip pain, pressure, whatever is present) where is the “you” that could own, reject, accept, or watch any of this? Look directly, not as a concept.

If a sense of “I” appears, where is it, what does it feel like, what shape does it have? Can you find it? Or is it only ever another sensation, another thought, another movement, just as impersonal as tingling or pressure?

When I become a witness or the watcher, then it feels like I am not the owner of this entity, just watching as life unfolds.

Is this becoming a decision? Is it something controllable? Or is it in the moment of letting go of ‘you’ being in control of the unfolding that this sense emerges?

Who or what knows about the witness or watcher?
If there is a witness, is there not also a knowing of that witness?
Does that mean there must be another witness to witness the witness?
Trace this… do you ever land anywhere solid?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

Right now, as sensation is here(torso tingling, warmth, hip pain, pressure, whatever is present) where is the “you” that could own, reject, accept, or watch any of this? Look directly, not as a concept.

I am having trouble distinguishing! Where am I? I'm not sure. Things look and feel different. The "I" is disappearing, and some type of experience seems to be taking its place.

If a sense of “I” appears, where is it, what does it feel like, what shape does it have? Can you find it? Or is it only ever another sensation, another thought, another movement, just as impersonal as tingling or pressure?

Yes, it seems very impersonal and almost like a dream yet I'm awake in this body! The sense of "I" is slowly dissipating. It's getting more difficult to find it! Sensations are still there but it does feel like this life is just another thought.

Is this becoming a decision? Is it something controllable? Or is it in the moment of letting go of ‘you’ being in control of the unfolding that this sense emerges?
When I become a witness or the watcher, then it feels like I am not the owner of this entity, just watching as life unfolds.

Recently the watcher was controllable and would only come when I called for it! Now, it's coming on its own without me controlling it, so no, it's not controllable anymore. I'm not sure why. Could it be "Letting go of the "YOU"? Very possible!

Who or what knows about the witness or watcher?

It seems like the watcher just appears and when it does, there is no "I" just experience. No one would know!

If there is a witness, is there not also a knowing of that witness?

Yes, there is a knowing of the witness.

Does that mean there must be another witness to witness the witness?

No because the witness is just that. Watching!

Trace this… do you ever land anywhere solid?

There is no place solid to land with this one, as it is unfolding.

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Very good Porky,

There has never been a “you” to own, reject, or even witness experience. The “watcher” is just another event… arising, passing, like warmth in the torso or pressure in the hips. No different.

Don’t slip into trying to “hold on” to the watching. That is just seeking again. Instead, look:

Can you find the one who is supposed to be “awake”?
When a sense of “I” or “watcher” comes, can you see it as just one more appearance?

Isn’t it obvious that whatever appears (pain, warmth, watching, not-watching) happens without ownership?

Are you making ANY of it happen? Or is it simply happening?

Right now, without reaching for explanation or position, is there any “you” at all?

Is it possible that “I” was only ever a story about experience, a kind of glue that never actually held anything together?

In gratitude,
Becca

[Porky]

Hi, Becca,

Can you find the one who is supposed to be “awake”?

I'm not sure what to look for.

When a sense of “I” or “watcher” comes, can you see it as just one more appearance?

When the watcher comes, it changes my perspective and everything looks different. When I was driving what was noticed specifically was my hands on the steering wheel and looking out the windshield. Appearance of what? It certainly doesn't feel like me or "I".

Isn’t it obvious that whatever appears (pain, warmth, watching, not-watching) happens without ownership?

Yes, it has become more like it just happens with no ownership. I cannot say that it's all the time. But I'm having trouble seeing that there is someone called me here!

Are you making ANY of it happen? Or is it simply happening?

No, I'm not making anything happen. It just happens. Especially thoughts and dreams.

Right now, without reaching for explanation or position, is there any “you” at all?

What I can say is that I am not conscious of what I'm seeing most of the time. Is it a YOU? Or an I? Not sure what I'm seeing. I do know my vision has changed of what I experience and continues to do so!

Is it possible that “I” was only ever a story about experience, a kind of glue that never actually held anything together?

Yes, in this uncertain reality, anything is possible!

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

Tell me more about this:

When the watcher comes, it changes my perspective and everything looks different. When I was driving what was noticed specifically was my hands on the steering wheel and looking out the windshield.

What is directly experienced? What is present (or absent) in body sensations in these moments? In seeing with or without labels? In hearing? Are thoughts present or absent?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

What is directly experienced?

Direct experience is of an energy watching. It's not me! when I call to the watcher, my experience changes to a feeling that I've never had before! Like the word says, it's like a witness to my actions. whether it's looking in the mirror or walking down the street, all I have to say to myself is...be the watcher.

What is present (or absent) in body sensations in these moments?

All the body sensations are there. I just checked. And an added sense that is difficult to put into words.

In seeing with or without labels? In hearing?

Both seeing and hearing are there, but as soon as I let go of the watcher, thoughts begin again mostly of what I'm going to do next or the near future.

Are thoughts present or absent?

Checking to see if thoughts are present and while the watcher or witness is present there are no thoughts just sensations.

Thanks, Porky

[graceabounds]

There seems to be a process occurring, so just a couple of inquiries to offer as this unfolds organically…


What is present, without any name?
If you look at the body, there are sensations—tight, soft, heat, cool, tingling, pulsing. Look at vision—colors, shapes, movement. Hearing—sounds, tones, textures.
But are these “yours”?
Look freshly: is there anyone who owns these sensations or sights?


Who makes the decision to call the watcher?


When thoughts begin again is there a kind of distance there? A space around them?


Continue to report what is directly experienced
:)

[Porky]

Hi Becca,

What is present, without any name?

Sensations are present.

If you look at the body, there are sensations—tight, soft, heat, cool, tingling, pulsing. Look at vision—colors, shapes, movement. Hearing—sounds, tones, textures.
But are these “yours”?

Sensations feel like they belong to this body. Hearing, seeing, feeling. I'm not clear about them being "mine". They don't appear to be owned but it's fuzzy.

Look freshly: is there anyone who owns these sensations or sights?

Unclear as to ownership, as the sensations exist, yet I'm not sure who if anyone owns them. They just seem to be!

Who makes the decision to call the watcher?

The watcher only shows up when I consciously ask. When I do ask the witness to come, it shows up and goes through a series of checking on what I'm looking at and how I'm perceiving this reality. This only lasts as long as I can stay with it.

When thoughts begin again is there a kind of distance there? A space around them?

In order for there to be distance between thoughts, I have to be completely conscious of my thoughts and say to myself that's a thought. Then I can begin just sensing. If I'm not aware that I'm thinking, then thoughts just keep coming without me controlling them. Sometimes I catch myself thinking and other times not!

Continue to report what is directly experienced

Whenever I write to you or spend time doing processes or meditate, my experience becomes more aware of being here now! That wears off and I get lost in day-to-day activities until, out of nowhere, my mind will wake up and the direct experience of being in the present starts again. Only to dissipate as my ego takes over.

[graceabounds]

The watcher only shows up when I consciously ask.

Before you ask, what is happening?
Did you choose for the urge to “call the watcher” to arise?
Or does even that impulse just appear, like every other thought, sensation, or urge?

Whenever I write to you or spend time doing processes or meditate, my experience becomes more aware of being here now! That wears off and I get lost in day-to-day activities until, out of nowhere, my mind will wake up and

Who is it that “gets lost in day-to-day activities”? Is there a someone to be lost?
When you say “my mind wakes up” can you find any “mind” other than thoughts?


What is here that does not come and go?


Before you try to watch,
Before you manage experience,
Before you try to “be here now,”
What is here?

[Porky]

Hi Becca,
Was having trouble connecting to you for a couple of days! Had emailed administration to find out if it was me or them having issues. They emailed me back this morning and told me it was probably them!

Before you ask, what is happening?

The watcher is not present, and my mind is usually active with thoughts of past and future! It's been difficult lately to stay in the moment for any length of time as thoughts have been occupying my mind.

Did you choose for the urge to “call the watcher” to arise?

Sometimes I think I choose to call the watcher and other times the thought jumps in my head.

Or does even that impulse just appear, like every other thought, sensation, or urge?

Yes, the impulse just appears like other thoughts.

Who is it that “gets lost in day-to-day activities”? Is there a someone to be lost?

I'm not sure because the "I" takes a back seat at times. But to who or what is just conjecture here as I have no definitive answer to that question. It would not be experiential but more like wishful thinking.

When you say “my mind wakes up” can you find any “mind” other than thoughts?

I'm not sure who or what wakes up! There isn't anything but thoughts and/or sensations.

What is here that does not come and go?

A sort of energy that occupies this body. It thinks but that comes and goes and so does sensations.

Before you try to watch,
Before you manage experience,
Before you try to “be here now,”
What is here?

Thoughts and sensations. Sometimes there is an awareness, other times I catch myself lost in thought and aren't aware of the thought just blankness.


Thanks for your patience.
Porky